Question for men with kids who divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

I feel like if my XH had weekends with my kids, he wouldn't realize anything because he'd let them stay up late, eat whatever, buy them whatever, etc. figuring the actual work of raising productive, healthy kids and setting limits would just be left to me.

That's exactly what my XH does on his every other weekend (or every third or fourth, whenever he actually bothers to take them). It's all x-box all day, all treats and snacks, so much fun at Daddy's house!!!! One kid got sick once and he was calling me every 10 minutes to ask what to do.

NP - I would never call my XW about anything while in my custody. In fact, when we were married she wasn't the one juggling all the kids as she couldn't deal with them when they talked back! Want to guess what house the kids like to hang? Control your kids when they are younger, you will live to regret it later.

One of the divorced wives who posted here, and I absolutely agree, it's not always the mom.who is the responsible party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care about men whose kids divorced?

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

Well yeah, I mean, I'm not claiming that there's anything unfair about this. I would like it if we mutually backed each other up more often, but she doesn't want to and that's her choice to make. But the question was about what was surprising about divorce, and this is what was surprising to me. I knew that actually missing work would be hard, but I didn't realize that having to always plan for the possibility of missing work would be so hard, and I didn't realize that we would no longer work as a team in this way. My friends who are divorced seem to have a closer co-parenting relationship than I do with my ex.

You don't get it. You are complaining (or explaining or mansplaining) about something that as a divorced man makes your life harder. But the same thing you are complaining about "lack of backup" is something you subjected your wife to while you were married. Then you wonder ....dang... Why can't she be more accommodating and why do my other divorced friends have it better... Because of YOU..... You were not better, you are not better..l that is why it is not better. Do you get it?

Why can't you let the PP have his experience? He is actually the audience for the question posed in the OP and he answered it- this isn't an example of 'mansplaining' at all, you clearly don't know what that means.

[Anonymous]

Didn't the OP mean a man with kids who himself got divorced and not a man with kids and his son or daughter later married and got divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

Well yeah, I mean, I'm not claiming that there's anything unfair about this. I would like it if we mutually backed each other up more often, but she doesn't want to and that's her choice to make. But the question was about what was surprising about divorce, and this is what was surprising to me. I knew that actually missing work would be hard, but I didn't realize that having to always plan for the possibility of missing work would be so hard, and I didn't realize that we would no longer work as a team in this way. My friends who are divorced seem to have a closer co-parenting relationship than I do with my ex.

You don't get it. You are complaining (or explaining or mansplaining) about something that as a divorced man makes your life harder. But the same thing you are complaining about "lack of backup" is something you subjected your wife to while you were married. Then you wonder ....dang... Why can't she be more accommodating and why do my other divorced friends have it better... Because of YOU..... You were not better, you are not better..l that is why it is not better. Do you get it?

+100.

Sorry, but I read the posts about being daddy-tracked and not backed up on sick days, and I thought, "DUH".

You want something from her (mutual backup) that you were unwilling to give her during the marriage ("too be honest, it was usually her"). She extended you assistance for your share of this child-care responsibility during the marriage, and you did not reciprocate to the extent required to bring the effort back to 50/50. Now she no longer trusts you not to abuse the privilege she extended to you of sometimes doing more than her 50% on a particular childcare task. Instead she has drawn a hard line -- you have the kids 50% of the time, you are totally responsible for them. You are now experiencing the same kind of stress she has been experiencing her whole life because of you.

It's hard to have sympathy.....

[Anonymous]

but at least now he gets to have sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

Well yeah, I mean, I'm not claiming that there's anything unfair about this. I would like it if we mutually backed each other up more often, but she doesn't want to and that's her choice to make. But the question was about what was surprising about divorce, and this is what was surprising to me. I knew that actually missing work would be hard, but I didn't realize that having to always plan for the possibility of missing work would be so hard, and I didn't realize that we would no longer work as a team in this way. My friends who are divorced seem to have a closer co-parenting relationship than I do with my ex.

You don't get it. You are complaining (or explaining or mansplaining) about something that as a divorced man makes your life harder. But the same thing you are complaining about "lack of backup" is something you subjected your wife to while you were married. Then you wonder ....dang... Why can't she be more accommodating and why do my other divorced friends have it better... Because of YOU..... You were not better, you are not better..l that is why it is not better. Do you get it?

+100.

Sorry, but I read the posts about being daddy-tracked and not backed up on sick days, and I thought, "DUH".

You want something from her (mutual backup) that you were unwilling to give her during the marriage ("too be honest, it was usually her"). She extended you assistance for your share of this child-care responsibility during the marriage, and you did not reciprocate to the extent required to bring the effort back to 50/50. Now she no longer trusts you not to abuse the privilege she extended to you of sometimes doing more than her 50% on a particular childcare task. Instead she has drawn a hard line -- you have the kids 50% of the time, you are totally responsible for them. You are now experiencing the same kind of stress she has been experiencing her whole life because of you.

It's hard to have sympathy.....

THIS. Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:but at least now he gets to have sex

For $50 a pop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but at least now he gets to have sex

For $50 a pop

Way cheaper than a wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

Well yeah, I mean, I'm not claiming that there's anything unfair about this. I would like it if we mutually backed each other up more often, but she doesn't want to and that's her choice to make. But the question was about what was surprising about divorce, and this is what was surprising to me. I knew that actually missing work would be hard, but I didn't realize that having to always plan for the possibility of missing work would be so hard, and I didn't realize that we would no longer work as a team in this way. My friends who are divorced seem to have a closer co-parenting relationship than I do with my ex.

You don't get it. You are complaining (or explaining or mansplaining) about something that as a divorced man makes your life harder. But the same thing you are complaining about "lack of backup" is something you subjected your wife to while you were married. Then you wonder ....dang... Why can't she be more accommodating and why do my other divorced friends have it better... Because of YOU..... You were not better, you are not better..l that is why it is not better. Do you get it?

+100.

Sorry, but I read the posts about being daddy-tracked and not backed up on sick days, and I thought, "DUH".

You want something from her (mutual backup) that you were unwilling to give her during the marriage ("too be honest, it was usually her"). She extended you assistance for your share of this child-care responsibility during the marriage, and you did not reciprocate to the extent required to bring the effort back to 50/50. Now she no longer trusts you not to abuse the privilege she extended to you of sometimes doing more than her 50% on a particular childcare task. Instead she has drawn a hard line -- you have the kids 50% of the time, you are totally responsible for them. You are now experiencing the same kind of stress she has been experiencing her whole life because of you.

It's hard to have sympathy.....

THIS. Exactly.

Sayin' it again for the folks in the back.

So sad. If only he'd learned this earlier. Sounds like she gave him plenty of chances...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but at least now he gets to have sex

For $50 a pop

Way cheaper than the wife you chose