Question for men with kids who divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

Well yeah, I mean, I'm not claiming that there's anything unfair about this. I would like it if we mutually backed each other up more often, but she doesn't want to and that's her choice to make. But the question was about what was surprising about divorce, and this is what was surprising to me. I knew that actually missing work would be hard, but I didn't realize that having to always plan for the possibility of missing work would be so hard, and I didn't realize that we would no longer work as a team in this way. My friends who are divorced seem to have a closer co-parenting relationship than I do with my ex.

You don't get it. You are complaining (or explaining or mansplaining) about something that as a divorced man makes your life harder. But the same thing you are complaining about "lack of backup" is something you subjected your wife to while you were married. Then you wonder ....dang... Why can't she be more accommodating and why do my other divorced friends have it better... Because of YOU..... You were not better, you are not better..l that is why it is not better. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was surprised how some people who I'd known for 10 years + just dropped off the radar.
I miss my kids and it sucks to hear them talk about the AP. It's really hard to keep my mouth shut about that.
I wanted the marriage to work but glad she left now because she really is a POS.
You really don't know someone until you divorce them

Why do you miss your kids? Don't you have 50/50 custody, or you mean you have them 50% of the time but you miss them anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

Does this really happen when people get divorced? I kind of imagine that if my husband and I got divorced, he would have the kids every other weekend when he had time, and I would be making excuses about how busy and important their father is and how lucky they are to have such an important dad and hoping they didn't feel abandoned. In short, I can't imagine it would be that different than it is now.

My ex is a much better dad after experiencing that rude awakening. I would suggest that you find a reason to need to go away for a night or two so that he can handle the full cycle of the day with the kids. You're probably making it look too easy.

If you divorce, a wise friend told me not to let him off the hook. He got "stuck" with daily pickups because I worked too late. Kids need more than 4 days a month with their dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was surprised how some people who I'd known for 10 years + just dropped off the radar.
I miss my kids and it sucks to hear them talk about the AP. It's really hard to keep my mouth shut about that.
I wanted the marriage to work but glad she left now because she really is a POS.
You really don't know someone until you divorce them

Why do you miss your kids? Don't you have 50/50 custody, or you mean you have them 50% of the time but you miss them anyway?

Yes - 50: 50 and I miss them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How has your life gone since the split? Better or worse? What things have been the most surprising?

In my case, it is better. Legal custody is split 50/50%, except DD wanted to live with me. She was 13, and got to make the decision. Wife was a SAHM -- but had an affair. I found out...I could smell it. I spent the money on a DNA test to confirm that 1) it was semen in her underwear, and 2) the semen was not mine. (I knew it was not, as we had not had sex in a while). I did not tell DD why I was leaving her mom.

Lawyer was decent: apparently in VA, if infidelity is proven, the person that was not faithful loses alimony. So, we split up. I pay her little: $1.5K/month for 20 years for her half of the house. She left the area, and lives about 100 miles from here. She sees dd every other weekend.

I am a 50yo divorced father, professional, making close to 200K, and have found that I am a hot commodity if I stick to people my age (which I do -- how can I talk to someone who does not remember Alex P Keating, and does not know that the 80's had a bad recession?). I have not introduced my DD to any date. I am not sure if I want to remarry right now. I am kind of bitter. But, I am enjoying meeting new people, and find the women like a guy with stable income and a good sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care about men whose kids divorced?

Why are you such a pedantic ass?

Actually I think this is an interesting topic. I am a man and have a son. If my son divorced as an adult, I would be very concerned about his well-being, and I would probably make a tremendous effort to remain on good terms with his ex if there were any children. For the children's sake and also for mine. It's all too common for kids to lose time with their extended family as a result of divorce, especially if the kids' dad doesn't make the effort on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How has your life gone since the split? Better or worse? What things have been the most surprising?

In my case, it is better. Legal custody is split 50/50%, except DD wanted to live with me. She was 13, and got to make the decision. Wife was a SAHM -- but had an affair. I found out...I could smell it. I spent the money on a DNA test to confirm that 1) it was semen in her underwear, and 2) the semen was not mine. (I knew it was not, as we had not had sex in a while). I did not tell DD why I was leaving her mom.

Lawyer was decent: apparently in VA, if infidelity is proven, the person that was not faithful loses alimony. So, we split up. I pay her little: $1.5K/month for 20 years for her half of the house. She left the area, and lives about 100 miles from here. She sees dd every other weekend.

I am a 50yo divorced father, professional, making close to 200K, and have found that I am a hot commodity if I stick to people my age (which I do -- how can I talk to someone who does not remember Alex P Keating, and does not know that the 80's had a bad recession?). I have not introduced my DD to any date. I am not sure if I want to remarry right now. I am kind of bitter. But, I am enjoying meeting new people, and find the women like a guy with stable income and a good sense of humor.

What makes you a hot commodity ? Salary ?
50 with shared custody of two kids under 10. Not such a hot commodity. Well actually it's harder to date women with kids - go figure. Unmarried without kids don't get it.

No way I'd remarry. It'd be a financial catastrophe and the kids already fucked up by ex and her AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

Yes, but the question is not about women. It is about men. This is not a contest. Stay on topic.

I'm a single parent, and get barely any child support. Believe me, I know what it takes to keep up a house, and bring home the money. Seeing as I make more than my child's father, and own my own home (he rents a shithole, but doesn't really have to), and I out earn him, believe me I know what it takes.

Also - most families now both parents work. So, yes, women do know what it takes to pay for things (and the ones that don't work, but manage the family money, still get it)

Seventy-nine point six percent of custodial mothers receive a support award, while only 29.6 percent of custodial fathers receive a support award.

Forty-six point nine percent of non-custodial mothers totally default on support, while only 26.9 percent of non-custodial fathers totally default on support.

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/Family-Law-Blog/2012/October/32-Shocking-Divorce-Statistics.aspx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was surprised how some people who I'd known for 10 years + just dropped off the radar.
I miss my kids and it sucks to hear them talk about the AP. It's really hard to keep my mouth shut about that.
I wanted the marriage to work but glad she left now because she really is a POS.
You really don't know someone until you divorce them

Why do you miss your kids? Don't you have 50/50 custody, or you mean you have them 50% of the time but you miss them anyway?

Yes - 50: 50 and I miss them.

Do not see why the courts and society choose to call it 50/50 split when the standard is every other weekend and Thursday evenings and some time period during the summer. It doesn't work out to be 50% of the time. When I went thought my divorce the judge kept talking about 50% split but the bath doesn't work that way. Also, if its 50% split why am I paying more than 50% of the child expenses. I asked about that and the judge gave me some line about how the custodial parent has the heaver "parenting" responsibility (yes.. I was like WTF) so the non-custodial parent pays more.... which cause me to ask.... well isn't it a 50% split and if so why is the "custodial" parent considered to have more "parenting" responsibility... to which my attorney told me to be quite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

I feel like if my XH had weekends with my kids, he wouldn't realize anything because he'd let them stay up late, eat whatever, buy them whatever, etc. figuring the actual work of raising productive, healthy kids and setting limits would just be left to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

I feel like if my XH had weekends with my kids, he wouldn't realize anything because he'd let them stay up late, eat whatever, buy them whatever, etc. figuring the actual work of raising productive, healthy kids and setting limits would just be left to me.

That's exactly what my XH does on his every other weekend (or every third or fourth, whenever he actually bothers to take them). It's all x-box all day, all treats and snacks, so much fun at Daddy's house!!!! One kid got sick once and he was calling me every 10 minutes to ask what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was surprised how some people who I'd known for 10 years + just dropped off the radar.
I miss my kids and it sucks to hear them talk about the AP. It's really hard to keep my mouth shut about that.
I wanted the marriage to work but glad she left now because she really is a POS.
You really don't know someone until you divorce them

Why do you miss your kids? Don't you have 50/50 custody, or you mean you have them 50% of the time but you miss them anyway?

Yes - 50: 50 and I miss them.

50% physical custody, meaning you have them the same amount of time as your wife. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

I feel like if my XH had weekends with my kids, he wouldn't realize anything because he'd let them stay up late, eat whatever, buy them whatever, etc. figuring the actual work of raising productive, healthy kids and setting limits would just be left to me.

That's exactly what my XH does on his every other weekend (or every third or fourth, whenever he actually bothers to take them). It's all x-box all day, all treats and snacks, so much fun at Daddy's house!!!! One kid got sick once and he was calling me every 10 minutes to ask what to do.

PP you quoted.
I'm surprised he didn't just expect you to pick him up and deal with it! Even if my XH had 50-50 I think he'd expect me to deal with every crisis and he himself would still run an " anything goes" household.

[Anonymous]

A lot of women in here explaining how things are for a divorced man with kids lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

I feel like if my XH had weekends with my kids, he wouldn't realize anything because he'd let them stay up late, eat whatever, buy them whatever, etc. figuring the actual work of raising productive, healthy kids and setting limits would just be left to me.

That's exactly what my XH does on his every other weekend (or every third or fourth, whenever he actually bothers to take them). It's all x-box all day, all treats and snacks, so much fun at Daddy's house!!!! One kid got sick once and he was calling me every 10 minutes to ask what to do.

NP - I would never call my XW about anything while in my custody. In fact, when we were married she wasn't the one juggling all the kids as she couldn't deal with them when they talked back! Want to guess what house the kids like to hang? Control your kids when they are younger, you will live to regret it later.