Question for men with kids who divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

When one of my kids is sick, my wife and I make a case-by-case decision regarding who can more easily work from home that day. I would assume if we were divorced, we would instead default to "the person who has custody that day is the one who needs to leave work."

[Anonymous]

So much better now. Remarried. Happy. Not stressed. Not trying to reassure someone and calm them down all the time.

Biggest surprise was seeing my ex be jealous of my second wife. Hadn't seen that coming at ALL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

My H and I are divorcing and everything is harder than he thought. I could bail him out (like I did our whole marriage) but that is the point, but now that he realizes how hard it is, I think he will be a better spouse/father in the future.

He will be running every which way but loose and he will call or text... I will be drinking wine with friends... sorry can't drive. That is life baby! Remember all those "work related" dinners/happy hours/travel. Well here you go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

What do you mean by this?

Presumably they have the same two incomes they had when they were married, only now they have 2 homes instead of 1. 2 mortgages, 2 cable/internet bills, 2 roofs needing repair, etc. Its a common complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

What do you mean by this?

Presumably they have the same two incomes they had when they were married, only now they have 2 homes instead of 1. 2 mortgages, 2 cable/internet bills, 2 roofs needing repair, etc. Its a common complaint.

Yes. Only we both need more family-friendly jobs now too, so our incomes aren't quite as high. Divorce is really expensive.

[Anonymous]

I will admit I didn't really think through how complicated the schedules would be. I had more kids with a second wife, and my ex married a man who already had kids. So there's 5 kids and 4 adults in 2 houses and we have to work out everyone's holidays and school breaks and travel. It's been hard to make it all work out. We get along pretty well but it definitely feels like work, lots of email, time consuming. I didn't really think about this when I was getting divorced with just one child and not dating anyone.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care about men whose kids divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care about men whose kids divorced?

Why are you such a pedantic ass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted the divorce and sprung it on me by surprise. I did not fight her over money or the children. Originally, she just wanted to leave without the kids. I said OK. Then she wanted the kids. I knew the courts are biased so I figured it was best to make sure her and the kids were financially taken care of and not to fight because I thought that would impact the kids. I thought that being adult about the situation and continuing to be concerned about her welfare would be reciprocated. I was wrong. Frankly, this was the most hurtful things for me. The divorce was very difficult for me and I did the best I could but she really wanted to inflict pain and suffering on me. So even though I paid 15 years of child support in advance to her and made sure the house was paid for and in her name and having done this I was wiped out financially she went about telling everyone that I abandoned them without anything. That really hurt. I also thought that because I treated her as nice as I could that she wouldn't get between me and the kids. I was wrong. She did and said things that forced them to chose sides. They chose her (at least initially). She prevented them for talking to me on the phone. She would unilaterally change pickup and drop-off times. She told the school not to communicate with me about grads. Bottom line is that it has been hard being vilified when I did and continue to do my best. That latest things she has done....told the kids that if they want they can move in with me. They got excited about that. Then she changed her mind. I'm fully expecting her to pin it on me.

Sorry dude. I suppose suggesting a lawyer etc is a waste of money. Hopefully there is karma but I'm not convinced. I'm just starting out post separation and you've reminded me why I should lawyer up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men don't understand all of the work that goes into any of the minutia with being the primary caregiver or default parent for a child. And they have not learned how to sacrifice continually for a demanding and thankless child that is learning. For a lot of men, when this responsibility falls on them, it is a rude awakening.

A lot of women don't know what it takes to put a roof over the head of the family, keep the food on the table and the lights and heat on.

Yes, but the question is not about women. It is about men. This is not a contest. Stay on topic.

I'm a single parent, and get barely any child support. Believe me, I know what it takes to keep up a house, and bring home the money. Seeing as I make more than my child's father, and own my own home (he rents a shithole, but doesn't really have to), and I out earn him, believe me I know what it takes.

Also - most families now both parents work. So, yes, women do know what it takes to pay for things (and the ones that don't work, but manage the family money, still get it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

Well yeah, I mean, I'm not claiming that there's anything unfair about this. I would like it if we mutually backed each other up more often, but she doesn't want to and that's her choice to make. But the question was about what was surprising about divorce, and this is what was surprising to me. I knew that actually missing work would be hard, but I didn't realize that having to always plan for the possibility of missing work would be so hard, and I didn't realize that we would no longer work as a team in this way. My friends who are divorced seem to have a closer co-parenting relationship than I do with my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted the divorce and sprung it on me by surprise. I did not fight her over money or the children. Originally, she just wanted to leave without the kids. I said OK. Then she wanted the kids. I knew the courts are biased so I figured it was best to make sure her and the kids were financially taken care of and not to fight because I thought that would impact the kids. I thought that being adult about the situation and continuing to be concerned about her welfare would be reciprocated. I was wrong. Frankly, this was the most hurtful things for me. The divorce was very difficult for me and I did the best I could but she really wanted to inflict pain and suffering on me. So even though I paid 15 years of child support in advance to her and made sure the house was paid for and in her name and having done this I was wiped out financially she went about telling everyone that I abandoned them without anything. That really hurt. I also thought that because I treated her as nice as I could that she wouldn't get between me and the kids. I was wrong. She did and said things that forced them to chose sides. They chose her (at least initially). She prevented them for talking to me on the phone. She would unilaterally change pickup and drop-off times. She told the school not to communicate with me about grads. Bottom line is that it has been hard being vilified when I did and continue to do my best. That latest things she has done....told the kids that if they want they can move in with me. They got excited about that. Then she changed her mind. I'm fully expecting her to pin it on me.

Everyman needs to read this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad with 50 50 physical custody and the biggest surprise to me was how expensive it is to maintain two big enough homes. People earned me but I didn't really get it. The other surprise was that on my weeks, dealing with whatever comes up with the kids is hard. Like if they get sick, there is no backup, my ex does not bail me out. So I have to miss work. I wish we could be nicer to each other in this way, but she doesn't care.

You don't want to miss work when your child is sick? You never missed work when your child was sick when you were married?

I can see where this could happen in a lot of marriages where the man covers everything financially is protected from the day-to-day impacted by this type of thing. I'm curious to know how it impacts a male's career post-divorce with children when you have 50/50. Do you feel "daddy-tracked" if you never experienced it befo6re? Honest question, no snark.

When I was married, I did sometimes miss work for sick kids, but other times my wife would. To be honest it was usually her, but I did too because I could teleworking better than she could. Now, I miss a little more, but I'm saying it's harder than I thought because I don't have any where to turn if I can't miss work, except babysitters. I always know that if something comes up on my week with the kids, it's on me. That is stressful beyond just the stress of missing work. I have to a range things to not go too far out of town on my weeks, for example. Some families back each othere up more, but my ex needed to make more money so she took a more demanding job. It's been hard for both of us.

I do feel daddy-tracked, but I need the flexibility and I can focus on my career again later. I don't regret doing 5050 physical, I'm just saying I didn't realize how hard it would be

And she misses work when the kids get sick on her time...with no back up other than babysitters.

I'm not saying that to imply that it's not hard. But it's hard for both parents. My ex always refused to miss work when our son was sick, regardless of what I had going on at work. I could have had an extremely important can't miss meeting and he would say, "oh well, guess you can't go".

Now he only has weekends and summers, and he still never misses work for child related things - his mom does it during the summer. Some people never grow up.

Well yeah, I mean, I'm not claiming that there's anything unfair about this. I would like it if we mutually backed each other up more often, but she doesn't want to and that's her choice to make. But the question was about what was surprising about divorce, and this is what was surprising to me. I knew that actually missing work would be hard, but I didn't realize that having to always plan for the possibility of missing work would be so hard, and I didn't realize that we would no longer work as a team in this way. My friends who are divorced seem to have a closer co-parenting relationship than I do with my ex.

Maybe because they were better coparents when they were married.

[Anonymous]

I was surprised how some people who I'd known for 10 years + just dropped off the radar.
I miss my kids and it sucks to hear them talk about the AP. It's really hard to keep my mouth shut about that.
I wanted the marriage to work but glad she left now because she really is a POS.
You really don't know someone until you divorce them