How did your feelings about your parents change over time?

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm sorry about your DC with health problems. That must be very difficult for all concerned, and I wish you the best.

You seem to view it as your parents' (esp. your mother's) obligation to help you out. It isn't. It's their choice -- one you may disagree with, of course. They may feel that they've raised their children, they've worked hard and now they are retired, and they feel entitled to live out the rest of their lives as happily as they can. (At that stage, the end of the road looms much more clearly into view.)

The fact that your mother came and stayed with you for 2 months shows that she was willing -- however reluctantly -- to help you in a crisis. She may not, however, view it as her duty to provide you with ongoing labor and other support to help you raise your own family. I understand why that would upset you. But it is her life and her choice to make.

It does seem clear that you need help, though. You've got a lot you are dealing with. Can you outsource part of the work to babysitters, home health aides, etc. And do you have a DH in the picture? Is he carrying his fair share of the load, and is there family on his side that you can call for help as well?

[Anonymous]

op: I'm coping ok and I have a good dh. ILs live closer but are nearly 80. I didn't ask my parents to pay for college, to do any free child care, help with my house payment, etc, but I always thought my mom would do all she could to help if I had a true crisis. I continued to pay the full time nanny while my mom stayed, even though I had to use unpaid time from work. We had home care nursing for a while- I'm glad that's over, because it was intrusive. What I wanted from my mom was to provide a "mom substitute" in the evenings for my girls, so my dh could help me in the hospital - we had to travel to a more distant hospital to get specialty care. My son was raging, pulling out tubes and lines, we had to get a crib with a cage.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you posting this in the Fifty and Over sub-forum? You sound younger, and your issues seem more like family relationship issues. If you're here to ask us older people if we ironed out past grievances with our parents over time, well, okay, you're getting good answers.

I think people have been sympathetic to your difficulties, but I agree with them that it's not your parents' responsibility to take care of your children, and your anger seems misplaced. You brush off your mother giving two months to help you out, saying all your parents care about is pleasing themselves. No wonder she felt you were ungrateful. You do sound ungrateful and extremely entitled. By the time you're pushing 70, it's draining to leave your home routines and go take care of someone's kids, even if they are your beloved grandchildren.

You have a full-time nanny. You have a good husband. You have what sounds like a good mom who helped you out as much as she could in a crisis. That's so much more than a lot of people with sick kids have. Yet two years later, you're still angry because you feel entitled to more. You thought you were entitled to free childcare, paid-for college, plus house payments. Those are not actually things that parents are required to do for their adult children, and most of us make do without those benefits, yet we love and appreciate our parents anyway. I hope you're able to come to terms with your anger and entitlement issues.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is going through this with her own daughter. Her daughter feels that she is not "put first" in her mother's life. She is resentful if her mother helps but not when she wants her to, does not follow a myriad of rules her son in law sets for her when she enters the house, and they seem to pick apart everything she says out of context. What really is happening there is that the son in law is serious emotional abuser...immature, narcissistic, controlling, however no one has evidence that he's physically hurt anyone.

The daughter is taking it completely out on her parents instead of where it belongs, probably out of fear and resignation.
OP: while this situation is not yours specifically, you are dealing with a very intense situation. Your child, who is apparently quite ill is scaring you. I think you are very scared and used to relying on your Mom. You have reason to be afraid, and it isn't wrong to want her help, but you know have to make that leap where you are in control. I'm not sure if you are missing the support from your spouse, but that might be it.I wish you well as you have a challenge that others do not. If your spouse is not supportive, then find a support system, but it won't and can't be your Mom in the exact way that you want, but don't wholesale assign her as the problem. You've been dealt a bad set of cards, but it happens.Don't sacrifice the already good relationship you do have with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you posting this in the Fifty and Over sub-forum? You sound younger, and your issues seem more like family relationship issues. If you're here to ask us older people if we ironed out past grievances with our parents over time, well, okay, you're getting good answers.

I think people have been sympathetic to your difficulties, but I agree with them that it's not your parents' responsibility to take care of your children, and your anger seems misplaced. You brush off your mother giving two months to help you out, saying all your parents care about is pleasing themselves. No wonder she felt you were ungrateful. You do sound ungrateful and extremely entitled. By the time you're pushing 70, it's draining to leave your home routines and go take care of someone's kids, even if they are your beloved grandchildren.

You have a full-time nanny. You have a good husband. You have what sounds like a good mom who helped you out as much as she could in a crisis. That's so much more than a lot of people with sick kids have. Yet two years later, you're still angry because you feel entitled to more. You thought you were entitled to free childcare, paid-for college, plus house payments. Those are not actually things that parents are required to do for their adult children, and most of us make do without those benefits, yet we love and appreciate our parents anyway. I hope you're able to come to terms with your anger and entitlement issues.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP: I am not "used to relying on my mom". She lives 10 hours away and worked full time until just before my son's health crisis. She has never provided any free child care for me. I only tried to rely on her during a crisis. I asked for very little child care during the crisis, only emotional support for my daughters. Please don't twist my story. I did not ask my parents to pay for college or help me financially since the age of 18, and I do not feel entitled to such help.

[Anonymous]

Ten hours is a long way, OP.

[Anonymous]

op: She came to visit when my son started seizing. We were sent to ER. She demanded to be picked up from airport b/c she doesn't take taxis. I had to leave ER and miss seeing the neurologist to pick her up (Yes my dh met with the neurologist but I couldn't be there because of her demand). She took her regularly scheduled flight out 4 days later even though my son was seizing and he was admitted to the hospital that day. She insisted on being driven to the airport which delayed his medical care by 90 minutes. So, living 10 hours away was very convenient for her because she didn't have to help after that! I begged her to return and eventually she did, but I begged for all her help. My dad told her the whole time not to help me.

[Anonymous]

op: When I say "she came to visit when he started seizing" - this was a planned visit, not because he was seizing, it was coincidental, and she would have cancelled if she had known he was seizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: When I say "she came to visit when he started seizing" - this was a planned visit, not because he was seizing, it was coincidental, and she would have cancelled if she had known he was seizing.

Ok, did she fully understand that you had this emergency with your son seizing? Is the transportation thing, being driven, a part of her normal "shtick " or something new? What age range is she? I'm 60, and I can't imagine requiring being picked up. Also, why is you father recommending that she not help? Not clear on that.

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart breaks for you.

I work in a hospital and I can tell you that many parents suffer PTSD after the hospitalization of a child. It is a deep trauma and some do not ever fully recover. They enter a new normal, but it is nothing like before. Please read up on the symptoms of PTSD. I cannot tell you how many parents are traumatized, literally, by this experience (not to mention their children, but that is another topic).

Treat yourself gently. Pamper yourself with good self-care strategies every day. Consider trauma therapy (EMDR) or another modality that will lead to healing. Healing is slow, but there is a lot of new information on trauma resilience coming out. Read up.

Repeat hospitalizatios for your son may be triggering for you. They are for many parents of chronically and acutely ill children. A lot of recent research is being done on the trauma experience of parents of NICU babies. It applies to all pediatric hospital admissions when there is an acute crisis

Find other mothers. Seriously. Find and nurture friendships with older women. They can provide you with the steadiness and care you need in order to be able to care for others. I have that role in the life of a 29 year old woman with two children. I provide a level of concern and involvement and support for her and her kids that she is unable to get from her family. There are many 50+ women like me.

Think of your mother as an aunt. Put as much emotional investment into the relationship as you would an aunt. Expect about as much reciprocity as you would from an aunt. Then, when you are old, do things differently so that the cycle of neglect or indifference or dysfunction is broken.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. With a sick child, that's about what you can do right now. Don't borrow trouble from the future, or ruminate about the past. You are a GREAT mother. Your kids are lucky to have you, very lucky.

Did I say to pamper yourself? Do that tonight. Hot bath, cup of tea, whatever you like. Mother yourself, and find other mothers. Some of the best mothers for you won't be the one that is genetically related to you. They are out there. Trust me!

I think that's all for tonight. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had a tense/strained relationship with one or both parents, did things improve later in adulthood? Did you make up before your parent/s died? Or did you bring about peace by creating distance?

Things have improved because (a) I no longer expect my parents to be different and (b) I've detached. I accept that they are flawed and, indeed, sick, and by doing so am much more capable of "dealing." I look to other older people for advice and as models for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I am not "used to relying on my mom". She lives 10 hours away and worked full time until just before my son's health crisis. She has never provided any free child care for me. I only tried to rely on her during a crisis. I asked for very little child care during the crisis, only emotional support for my daughters. Please don't twist my story. I did not ask my parents to pay for college or help me financially since the age of 18, and I do not feel entitled to such help.

Ok, perhaps that was a poor choice of words, as that is not what I meant. I can understand your taking a stance against that. What I meant was:
It's sounds like your son has some serious health issues, and on this particular day, when things were going downhill in a scary trajectory, it appears as if your parents, both of them, didn't acknowledge the severity of the situation which hurt you. I'm a little puzzled as to why she insisted on being picked up, and frankly, I would not have picked her up rather than speak to the neurologist. I'm wondering if she didn't fully understand.

I agree with a pp regarding the idea that this is more than what is being said. You obviously have many hurt feelings, but so much is being put to the test here in this scary situation. Communication is the key if you do want your parents in your life. I don't know if your mother is selfish and greedy, or if this is a long term issue that is coming to head here.

I am sorry if I said anything to make you feel as if you were being viewed as a brat. That wasn't what I meant. I simply feel that you have more needs that can be met by your parents now- for whatever reason they can't meet them. I also feel that this is the time to shore up the resources you do have for this is an issue that will encompass many years. Separate that from why your Mom didn't do all that you thought she would do, and take care of yourself, your son, and your family.

You know, I was a pretty easy kid. One of my sisters was a nightmare, and my other sister was a typical teenager. When we became adults. I was kind of hurt that my parents did as little as possible when my kids were born and throughout their lives. They loved them, I know that, but there was no help, no babysitting, nothing. And they were easy kids, too. I think my mom actually felt bad about that, but what she wanted was freedom. They moved to a smaller condo and had the life she wanted sans kids. She was a good Mom, but probably would not have had kids if given that option. Anyway, I was resentful for a long time. When she died, and then after my Dad died, I went through their pictures, papers, correspondence, etc., and so much more became clear to me and I realized more than I ever did. I wasn't able to separate my needs ,when I was in my thirties, about them as my parents and the two of them as people. I should have.
You have a great need now, and you deserve some empathy. Reorganize...your life, your needs, your expectations, and relationships. Take what your parents can give without judgement, because in the end that's what matters.
FWIW, I would be over in a second to help you. ? I aplogize if I wasn't clear earlier and hurt your feelings.

[Anonymous]

op: Thank you for all your kind words. My mom is a good person, and it's true that I have to work through my PTSD. Another thing I didn't mention, though, was that my son has another disease called Hirschsprung's which required an operation to remove 2/3 of his large intestine as a newborn. He came home from the hospital but stopped nursing at 4 days. My mom got my dh and my dad to sit around the table mocking me for being so neurotic. He was my third baby, I took him to ER and he was admitted. So I already had PTSD (which included my mom's behavior) before the epilepsy developed when he was 3. I know my mom couldn't have guessed he'd have a rare disease. But she shouldn't have made fun of me. It was nice of her to come for the birth and to help with my girls at the time. I'm not angry at her anymore, I think. But I'm still very angry at my dad for telling her not to help me during the epilepsy crisis, which lasted four months. My dad was very selfish. He said we should put my son in a home, because he wanted his wife to come back and have the whole thing be over with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died 15 years ago. At first I really grieved his loss. But a few years ago, the clouds in my brain began to clear and I saw what a total jerk he was and what a bad parent he was. Yes, I loved him, but he was a truly awful parent and an all-around mediocre human being. I miss a few things about him, but mostly, when I think about him, I think about what a jerk he was, and how he screwed me up when I was a child by all the awful, stupid things he said to me and the idiotic things he did.
My mother, on the other hand, I feel more sympathy for. She made a mistake when she married my father, and because of her era, she felt she had to stay with him. Today, she might get more support for getting away from him, but back then, she was pushed to stick it out with her terrible husband. She died fairly young, so they never got divorced, which they ought to have.
She was always yelling at him, and he was the "calm" one, so I always thought he was the "good" one, and she was the "bad" guy. In time, I've realized how wrong my assessments were. She was a victim, and he was an a**hole.
It feels good to see clearly, even though it took me a long time to get there. My mother's main fault was that she was a weak person. Had she been stronger, she would have left her husband, a seriously flawed man she never should have married.

Wow, your situation sounds very similar to mine. My father was just never a happy person and should not of had kids or even gotten married.