Anonymous wrote:I can't say that my relationship with my mother was strained but I felt like she was anxious and controlling and I resented her anxiety which was always in the background. At some point, I learned to set limits with her and told her I didn't want to hear her complaints about my father anymore. I learned not to tell her things about my life she could use against me later. I learned not to take money from her because there were always strings attached.
This helped me get enough space from her so it no longer felt as if her anxiety threatened my well-being and I was able to have compassion for her - just like you would for an elderly neighbor whom you can tell is difficult but she doesn't run your life so you can afford to be comforting and reassuring.
My mom passed away 14 years ago and in the years since I've been seeing more and more how both she and my father (also passed away) came into parenthood without a lot of emotional skills or support from their families. My heart goes out to them.
But, I wouldn't be in this place if I hadn't learned to set limits with them and to disentangle emotionally from them. You can't force yourself to be compassionate if you don't have the space for it. Good luck, OP, I wish you the best!
NP here who has had much of the same experience with my mother. She is still alive at 88 but very fragile. I thank you for putting this insight into words so eloquently because I have been trying to come up with a way to tell my siblings how to forgive my parents for their dysfunctional parenting all these years.
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