Estranged and it feels so good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^wrong on all accounts. I have lived through and witnessed entire families destroyed because someone (my sibling) decided to cut of family members. It us possible to protect yourself without dragging everyone else into your drama and dysfunctional relationships--and this grand declarations do just that.

With all completely undue respect for someone who's taking credit for maintaining family relationships that are not mine while presuming you could have / should have lived through mine:

Fuck you. Seriously. You can never tell another human being she should have to survive abuse. How dare you?

Btw we finally left when abuse started affecting my children. When they started manipulating and lying to them, making them cry to us in their confusion, we called it quits.

If you'd expose your child to emotional abuse and be proud of it, well then double fuck you.

You sound more than a little "toxic" yourself--not to mentioned unhinged. It is pretty clear that you need to work on your own issues before casting aspersions at others.

+1.
-Another survivor of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^wrong on all accounts. I have lived through and witnessed entire families destroyed because someone (my sibling) decided to cut of family members. It us possible to protect yourself without dragging everyone else into your drama and dysfunctional relationships--and this grand declarations do just that.

+1 NP and another person who has witnessed sibling estrangement and how it hurts everyone around them, in my own family. I've also noticed (with friends and family who have experienced this), that its rarely just one toxic person at play. If you ask people with at least a little bit of emotional distance from the situation, they see things a bit differently.

I have a toxic person in my life, and FWIW, I just minimize contact and do not make grand gestures. I stay cordial. This has allowed relationships besides mine to flourish.

This!

[Anonymous]

I didn't cut off but completely distanced myself and it has been freeing. It is so nice to not be put in a bad mood for two days after every interaction, not cry all the time. I no longer feel guilt for everything they are mad that I am or I am not doing.
I haven't closed the door but I don't fee obligated to call or visit or share things with them. It really is freeing.

[Anonymous]

NP and another person who has witnessed sibling estrangement and how it hurts everyone around them, in my own family. I've also noticed (with friends and family who have experienced this), that its rarely just one toxic person at play. If you ask people with at least a little bit of emotional distance from the situation, they see things a bit differently.

I have a toxic person in my life, and FWIW, I just minimize contact and do not make grand gestures. I stay cordial. This has allowed relationships besides mine to flourish.

I'm surprised you haven't learned that people and families are different. It is far less painful for me to have no contact with toxic family members. Cutting them off doesn't involve any grand gestures - that's what the toxic people engage in. I don't need to ask anyone else how they feel about it because, after a great deal of therapy, I finally learned that my emotions are important and it's unhealthy to value someone else's feelings over my own. You, clearly, have a different perspective and experience. How nice for you.

[Anonymous]

" Getting rid of toxic people is like removing poison from the body.

Life has begun. I'm here to tell ya -- it's glorious."

Yes, this. My brother would use his children as pawns. He's an angry, manipulative, lying, unkind person. And it is constant. He's possibly bipolar, but to me he fits a borderline personality disorder paradigm. Since being estranged from him, my life has taken such a positive, healthy, happy turn.

I've tried to have a healthy relationship with him - it's not possible and not for lack of effort. He can't be changed - but I can and have made changes so that I can move forward with my own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how you will feel when it is your children judging and cutting you off?

Lovely. I'm guessing that since I'm neither a sociopath or an alcoholic I might do a little better.

Yet, you will be judged by your children just as you judge. Every parent fails their child in someway no matter how hard they try.

NP here. I have not cut off my parents and accept them for who they are, terrible parents and not very good people over all. But I am able to have a friendly relationship with them without them knowing how I truly feel. We all handle things differently and that is okay. I would have no problem cutting off ties with my parents if I felt like that was in my best interest. Why I am responding to you is bc there is a HUGE difference between not being a perfect parent and being a terribly neglectful one. The priority to take care of me came after the drugs, sex, alcohol, and partying. I can promise you that while I will not be a perfect parent, I will be nowhere within the realm of neglectful and abusive. I am happy for you that you cannot understand why someone might cut off a parent, but let's try to have less judgment for feelings that you obviously do not understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my DD grows up to hate me I will know it's my fault not hers. Letting go of toxic people is indeed freeing. My husband and I have been very honest with our child about the reasons and the circumstances of our estrangement from her grandparents. She has every right to expect to live her life filled with people who love her and not only themselves.

I love this. A good parent wants their children's lives to be filled with love, pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

Living the dream.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's a lot easier for other family members when the victim is "cordial" about the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^wrong on all accounts. I have lived through and witnessed entire families destroyed because someone (my sibling) decided to cut of family members. It us possible to protect yourself without dragging everyone else into your drama and dysfunctional relationships--and this grand declarations do just that.

+1 NP and another person who has witnessed sibling estrangement and how it hurts everyone around them, in my own family. I've also noticed (with friends and family who have experienced this), that its rarely just one toxic person at play. If you ask people with at least a little bit of emotional distance from the situation, they see things a bit differently.

I have a toxic person in my life, and FWIW, I just minimize contact and do not make grand gestures. I stay cordial. This has allowed relationships besides mine to flourish.

I have a toxic parent and I minimize contact rather than resort to estrangement, and it works fine for me.

But if I get to the point where estrangement is necessary, I will not hesitate to do so. If I make that choice, it does not mean that I am also toxic; it means that I am doing the healthiest thing for myself and my family.

It is really pretty bold to suggest how abuse victims deal with their abusers is wrong. That's victim blaming, pure and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^wrong on all accounts. I have lived through and witnessed entire families destroyed because someone (my sibling) decided to cut of family members. It us possible to protect yourself without dragging everyone else into your drama and dysfunctional relationships--and this grand declarations do just that.

+1 NP and another person who has witnessed sibling estrangement and how it hurts everyone around them, in my own family. I've also noticed (with friends and family who have experienced this), that its rarely just one toxic person at play. If you ask people with at least a little bit of emotional distance from the situation, they see things a bit differently.

I have a toxic person in my life, and FWIW, I just minimize contact and do not make grand gestures. I stay cordial. This has allowed relationships besides mine to flourish.

I have a toxic parent and I minimize contact rather than resort to estrangement, and it works fine for me.

But if I get to the point where estrangement is necessary, I will not hesitate to do so. If I make that choice, it does not mean that I am also toxic; it means that I am doing the healthiest thing for myself and my family.

It is really pretty bold to suggest how abuse victims deal with their abusers is wrong. That's victim blaming, pure and simple.

And victim blaming and gaslighting are exactly what abusers do.

In my case, all of my first cousins, along with my dad's brother and sister-in-law, supported me in making this break. When they learned how bad things have gotten they opened their hearts and homes to me and said that while estrangement was unimaginable to them, they understood I had no choice that would preserve my own health. Thank god I have people like them in my life, rather than the PPs who are so sure it's never the abuser's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^wrong on all accounts. I have lived through and witnessed entire families destroyed because someone (my sibling) decided to cut of family members. It us possible to protect yourself without dragging everyone else into your drama and dysfunctional relationships--and this grand declarations do just that.

+1 NP and another person who has witnessed sibling estrangement and how it hurts everyone around them, in my own family. I've also noticed (with friends and family who have experienced this), that its rarely just one toxic person at play. If you ask people with at least a little bit of emotional distance from the situation, they see things a bit differently.

I have a toxic person in my life, and FWIW, I just minimize contact and do not make grand gestures. I stay cordial. This has allowed relationships besides mine to flourish.

I have a toxic parent and I minimize contact rather than resort to estrangement, and it works fine for me.

But if I get to the point where estrangement is necessary, I will not hesitate to do so. If I make that choice, it does not mean that I am also toxic; it means that I am doing the healthiest thing for myself and my family.

It is really pretty bold to suggest how abuse victims deal with their abusers is wrong. That's victim blaming, pure and simple.

I am the second PP you have quoted above. All I meant is that I dont go out of my way to avoid them. I.e.,if I know there is a family party, and they are there, I dont avoid the party. I say hello, how are you, that is it. I allow my kids to (briefly) talk to them. I dont talk with my kids about this person (unless they ask) because that would give this person too much importance. My kids are very indifferent to this person because I act indifferent. At this point, its been so long, that I actually truly FEEL indifferent.

I dont presume to know what works in other situations or for other families, just that this is fine for mine.

I dont blame the abused, as I was one, but I have done enough therapy - years - to know that I could exist in the same community as this person without getting sucked in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^wrong on all accounts. I have lived through and witnessed entire families destroyed because someone (my sibling) decided to cut of family members. It us possible to protect yourself without dragging everyone else into your drama and dysfunctional relationships--and this grand declarations do just that.

+1 NP and another person who has witnessed sibling estrangement and how it hurts everyone around them, in my own family. I've also noticed (with friends and family who have experienced this), that its rarely just one toxic person at play. If you ask people with at least a little bit of emotional distance from the situation, they see things a bit differently.

I have a toxic person in my life, and FWIW, I just minimize contact and do not make grand gestures. I stay cordial. This has allowed relationships besides mine to flourish.

I have a toxic parent and I minimize contact rather than resort to estrangement, and it works fine for me.

But if I get to the point where estrangement is necessary, I will not hesitate to do so. If I make that choice, it does not mean that I am also toxic; it means that I am doing the healthiest thing for myself and my family.

It is really pretty bold to suggest how abuse victims deal with their abusers is wrong. That's victim blaming, pure and simple.

I am the second PP you have quoted above. All I meant is that I dont go out of my way to avoid them. I.e.,if I know there is a family party, and they are there, I dont avoid the party. I say hello, how are you, that is it. I allow my kids to (briefly) talk to them. I dont talk with my kids about this person (unless they ask) because that would give this person too much importance. My kids are very indifferent to this person because I act indifferent. At this point, its been so long, that I actually truly FEEL indifferent.

I dont presume to know what works in other situations or for other families, just that this is fine for mine.

I dont blame the abused, as I was one, but I have done enough therapy - years - to know that I could exist in the same community as this person without getting sucked in.

. +1 now that is maturity.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^wrong on all accounts. I have lived through and witnessed entire families destroyed because someone (my sibling) decided to cut of family members. It us possible to protect yourself without dragging everyone else into your drama and dysfunctional relationships--and this grand declarations do just that.

+1 NP and another person who has witnessed sibling estrangement and how it hurts everyone around them, in my own family. I've also noticed (with friends and family who have experienced this), that its rarely just one toxic person at play. If you ask people with at least a little bit of emotional distance from the situation, they see things a bit differently.

I have a toxic person in my life, and FWIW, I just minimize contact and do not make grand gestures. I stay cordial. This has allowed relationships besides mine to flourish.

I have a toxic parent and I minimize contact rather than resort to estrangement, and it works fine for me.

But if I get to the point where estrangement is necessary, I will not hesitate to do so. If I make that choice, it does not mean that I am also toxic; it means that I am doing the healthiest thing for myself and my family.

It is really pretty bold to suggest how abuse victims deal with their abusers is wrong. That's victim blaming, pure and simple.

I am the second PP you have quoted above. All I meant is that I dont go out of my way to avoid them. I.e.,if I know there is a family party, and they are there, I dont avoid the party. I say hello, how are you, that is it. I allow my kids to (briefly) talk to them. I dont talk with my kids about this person (unless they ask) because that would give this person too much importance. My kids are very indifferent to this person because I act indifferent. At this point, its been so long, that I actually truly FEEL indifferent.

I dont presume to know what works in other situations or for other families, just that this is fine for mine.

I dont blame the abused, as I was one, but I have done enough therapy - years - to know that I could exist in the same community as this person without getting sucked in.

. +1 now that is maturity.

No, it's not maturity. It is simply the situation of someone for whom those types of interactions do not cause mental or emotional pain. Maturity has nothing to do with it.