Saying Sorry at Work

[Anonymous]

As my kids learned in Daniel Tiger, the best is to say "I'm sorry, how can I help?" Or in grown up work terms "I'm sorry, here is my plan for fixing the situation."

[Anonymous]

i think that saying sorry (when appropriate) is a mature trait that i would expect of an adult. expect that you lose some points of respect when you can't utter two words that frankly say more about you than the situation at hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unprofessional of me to not say sorry when I messed up? I accept full responsibility and take corrective actions when I make a mistake, but I just don't (can't or won't?) say "sorry" to apologize for it. Today for instance my team messed up big time (but not catastrophic) and almost negatively impacted a coworker's delivery (it would've if not for her incredible talent and experience). Postmortem I think I did everything a responsible person would do, but I felt my coworker was expecting a "sorry" which I never offered (I did say a quick sorry to her when "the wheels started coming off the wagon."), and I think she's still pissed by that. By not saying sorry, am I subconsciously refusing to accept all responsibility?

Saying sorry is a courtesy, not a requirement. Yes, you are owning up to your mistake and making amends work-wise, but you aren't extending your co-workers the appropriate courtesy in apologizing for your contribution to the mess that caused them a lot of extra work to remediate. Think of it this way, they'll understand that you do the work and act professional, but they may not like you or really care about you. This creates the atmosphere that when you need a favor, no one will volunteer to do it for you because no one feels they need to step up for you. Over my professional career, I have seen people like you and while they are respected for their work, no one feels the need to do nice things for them and they ultimately end up feeling like it's just a workplace and not a particularly good one. Conversely the people who do step up, do the courtesies, act polite on top of professional, end up liking their workplaces more and often get side benefits from people who are willing to bend over backwards to help them.

Continue as you are, but don't expect your coworkers to go out of their way for you.

THIS ALL DAY LONG!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As my kids learned in Daniel Tiger, the best is to say "I'm sorry, how can I help?" Or in grown up work terms "I'm sorry, here is my plan for fixing the situation."

I used to say sorry to clients when we screwed up (along the lines you outline...sorry we didn't bring you what you expected, here's how I would like to straighten it out." This is kind of discouraged, because often clients were pissed about things that weren't our fault (or were because they misread the contract), and we didn't want to admit liability in a way that could come back to bite us. But I found that if I started with "I'm sorry" that would actually defuse things--they wouldn't assume I was trying to minimize/deny a problem, and they would be willing to work with me to get it fixed. It was hard to swallow my pride and apologize when a client was complaining about something that really wasn't my (or my team's fault), but it was an effective way to build trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:just wanted to note that I do own up and admit the mistakes. I don't try to hide behind or blame others or pretend I never make errors or am never wrong.

but after reading all the posts, I think I should say sorry to my coworker because since almost all of you think so, she was definitely expecting one and probably was even more pissed at me for not apologizing...

I think you're confusing two different type of "sorry"
there definitely is a current idea that women say I'm sorry way too much. But that really relates to saying it as a filler or a deference mechanism. "I'm sorry I didn't understand that last statement. Could you repeat yourself?" or "I'm so sorry to bother you, but do you have that brief that was due to me two weeks ago?"

Saying I'm sorry when you actually screwed up is almost always a kind, polite, and appropriate thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman boss. I have a couple guys on my team who don't say sorry, even when they seriously messed up and it required my time to instruct them how to fix things. It irritates me. I gave them smaller bonuses because of it.

You don't need to overapologize (as some women seem to do) but you do need to say sorry once, to recognize that you wasted other people's time, or your own resources, which if you did it right the first time, you would be more productive to the overall team.

[Anonymous]

You wasted her time and company resources with your ineptitude. An apology is in order. Don't be a pompous ass, unless you are perfect.

[Anonymous]

Saying sorry is not a gender issue (and shouldn't become one). It's about humility, ownership, and respect.

[Anonymous]

Eh, too many people say sorry and then offer nothing concrete as a solution. Would much rather care about the solution. And I don't get personally offended about things at work, so I have no idea what a "sorry" would get me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, too many people say sorry and then offer nothing concrete as a solution. Would much rather care about the solution. And I don't get personally offended about things at work, so I have no idea what a "sorry" would get me.

I like you, I'm like you, too.

[Anonymous]

I have no problem apologizing when I make a mistake, whether I'm apologizing up the chain or down. I always follow an apology with a solution to the problem.

My boss is similar. She apologizes for mistakes, whether they have client implications or are frustrations she accidentally takes out on the team.

She is well respected, and so far, it appears I am as well.

So, I default to apologizing. The key for me is to make it sincere, direct, and includes a fix.

[Anonymous]

There are many ways to say "I'm sorry" without using the word "sorry," if that's what your problem is. Even an email saying "This went wrong, and I accept responsibility. We will do X, Y, and Z in the future," can be viewed as an apology.

Without knowing what your exact hang up is, it's hard to tell if you're just a pompous ass or if you're acting on some strange advice about never apologizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just wanted to note that I do own up and admit the mistakes. I don't try to hide behind or blame others or pretend I never make errors or am never wrong.

but after reading all the posts, I think I should say sorry to my coworker because since almost all of you think so, she was definitely expecting one and probably was even more pissed at me for not apologizing...

I think you're confusing two different type of "sorry"
there definitely is a current idea that women say I'm sorry way too much. But that really relates to saying it as a filler or a deference mechanism. "I'm sorry I didn't understand that last statement. Could you repeat yourself?" or "I'm so sorry to bother you, but do you have that brief that was due to me two weeks ago?"

Saying I'm sorry when you actually screwed up is almost always a kind, polite, and appropriate thing to do.

Yes, this. When someone bumps into you, you don't need to apologize, like many women and Canadians tend to do. But when you screw up, yes, you do need to apologize.

[Anonymous]

I was thinking about this thread at work today. I tend to be one who finds it hard to apologize ever. In life. Not just work. I tend to feel there are usually legitimate reasons for something and therefore nothing to be sorry for. It's not that I never apologize. I do when I think it's warranted but it's rare. And at work I think sometimes when you apologize you show people there is something to be sorry for. I think of women who are always apologizing and men who never do (yes, I'm generalizing). I thought of this today when I was fielding an email about a disgruntled client. There was a reason it happened but it must have looked bad on the client's end. In my mind, there's no reason to apologize because there was a legitimate reason which I explained. I then stared at my screen wondering if I should apologize. Typically I would not. I thought about this thread. First I thought about how I don't see a reason to apologize. The client felt my team hadn't done anything when that wasn't true. I clarified this to the account manager. A lot of work was happening to rectify an issue but the solution was not quicly delivered. But then I thought maybe I should apologize because regardless, the result was a delayed outcome and unhappy client. But then i thought, if I apologize I'm giving the cue that there is a reason I should be sorry. Yes, I went back and forth like this! Finally I settled on a small apology basically thinking about this thread and figuring I need to occasionally throw one out there. It wasn't easy. And I still don't know if I should have.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman who will say the words "sorry" to a woman if I sense she is a good person. I try not to say them to men or to women who seem like they'll hold it against me.