How to tell BIL you are not happy with how he speaks to your children, or myself without causing

[Anonymous]

While usually passive-aggressive is not the way to go, in this particular case I would be evilly tempted to kill them with (fake) kindness and faux ignorance. E.g.:
"Oh BIL, please don't worry about Johnny, we have the discipline under control." "Really, I hate to see you constantly putting yourself out. You must get so wound up about this!"
"Oh BIL, Johnny just loves playing with those cars, doesn't he. I'm sure your glad he's so throughly occupied! Has [BIL kid] learnt to play independently yet?"
Feigned shock: "MIL, why would you ever call a little boy a devil? Was that a term of endearment where you grew up?"

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a pp (the one that kept saying no judgment/opinion) and was trying to give benefit of doubt about peacekeeper. This is getting ME so riled (especially the MIL calling your son the devil). You are a saint so far, but wow, this can't go on.

Chiming onto the passive aggressive poster - you could continuously tell your MIL that your kids are "just like asshole BIL were at that age"

"isn't he just a little devil"
"Yes, [DH] tells me little danny is just like BIL was at that age."



You to BIL: "Oh, BIL, I see so many similar characteristics in little danny and you." Isn't it so sweet the way little Danny is so much like you???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are right. We were too passive. I don't know how to handle conflict with my inlaws. We see them about once a month or every other month. They love 6 hours away and come down to see My MIl and FIL.

My inlaws absolutely love this son (he is their financial support) and kiss his ass, (to keep their $ coming). They support him with everything (even though it's wrong). In fact, I feel like it's possible that MIL talks abt my children (she's late 50s and I think generally is past the age where she's comfortable with children in her home) so my children irritate for that reason alone. She hides their toys If they visit (once a month). And prefers they only watch tv. I feel like she's the one who pushed this son, so talk this way. He's her mouthpiece, and puppet. I truly can't stand this brother. That's the only reason I want to talk to MIL. To let her know I was hurt. To let her know their comments (she is generally cruel with her words to my children,mine ie has nicknamed my son the devil). I'm not being biased. But he's a sweetheart. And does nothing at her home to warrant that name. I hate that she calls him that. She does this when DH isn't around, only for my ears.

I think you're all right. I need to handle it next time on the spot. There have been several moments where he's disrespected my children. I just haven't known how to handle it. Ie/ 2 months ago, 3rd brother got married, there was a family picture of the siblings, this brother had his 2.5 yr old daughter in the picture. my daughter came running to be in it. She's very close to this uncle and that brother told her sternly to leave the picture and it was for siblings only. She was shocked and says bc clearly his kids were in it!? I was fuming, but again didn't handle it.

WOW! Please work on having a backbone. I say this as a person who has TOO MUCH to say. If you are at a loss of words, post the situation. I have a number of "lovely" responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needed to bring it up when it was happening. Or, if your husband didn't see it happening, YOU needed to say in the moment "Thanks Bruce, but Larlo is behaving just fine." "Bruce, I'll handle disciplining my kids."

To say something now is ridiculous. To talk to your MIL would also be ridiculous - are YOU four years old? No? Then you don't go tattling to Mommy. You should be angry at your husband and yourself for being shitty parents who didn't stand up for your kids in the moment.

Sorry op but this pp is spot on. You need to nip it in the bud right then. If you do it now it will cause all sorts of drama and he said she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are right. We were too passive. I don't know how to handle conflict with my inlaws. We see them about once a month or every other month. They love 6 hours away and come down to see My MIl and FIL.

My inlaws absolutely love this son (he is their financial support) and kiss his ass, (to keep their $ coming). They support him with everything (even though it's wrong). In fact, I feel like it's possible that MIL talks abt my children (she's late 50s and I think generally is past the age where she's comfortable with children in her home) so my children irritate for that reason alone. She hides their toys If they visit (once a month). And prefers they only watch tv. I feel like she's the one who pushed this son, so talk this way. He's her mouthpiece, and puppet. I truly can't stand this brother. That's the only reason I want to talk to MIL. To let her know I was hurt. To let her know their comments (she is generally cruel with her words to my children,mine ie has nicknamed my son the devil). I'm not being biased. But he's a sweetheart. And does nothing at her home to warrant that name. I hate that she calls him that. She does this when DH isn't around, only for my ears.

I think you're all right. I need to handle it next time on the spot. There have been several moments where he's disrespected my children. I just haven't known how to handle it. Ie/ 2 months ago, 3rd brother got married, there was a family picture of the siblings, this brother had his 2.5 yr old daughter in the picture. my daughter came running to be in it. She's very close to this uncle and that brother told her sternly to leave the picture and it was for siblings only. She was shocked and says bc clearly his kids were in it!? I was fuming, but again didn't handle it.

If these people were friends, not family you would not allow them to treat you this way. Govern yourself accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I hear a lot of misplaced anger from you, OP. Does BIL have something you don't, but covet? You seem to blow out of proportion a fairly common family dynamic and mention money once in a while. Could that be it?

[Anonymous]

I think you're all right. I need to handle it next time on the spot. There have been several moments where he's disrespected my children. I just haven't known how to handle it. Ie/ 2 months ago, 3rd brother got married, there was a family picture of the siblings, this brother had his 2.5 yr old daughter in the picture. my daughter came running to be in it. She's very close to this uncle and that brother told her sternly to leave the picture and it was for siblings only. She was shocked and says bc clearly his kids were in it!? I was fuming, but again didn't handle it.

WOW! Please work on having a backbone. I say this as a person who has TOO MUCH to say. If you are at a loss of words, post the situation. I have a number of "lovely" responses.

OP this pp is right. If you need help with responses, post some examples and we'll help you.

For example: the picture

brother told her sternly to leave the picture and it was for siblings only.

2 Options:

BIL - DC will stand next to your kids. Larla, honey, just stand right here.

Option 2:

Turn to Groom: Groom, can Larla stand here next to her cousins for this picture? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

PP, this is OP, $ isn't a factor but we don't pay for my in-laws. All I was saying was he financially supports them, and so MIL keeps him on her good side. She tolerates his children and treats them lovingly. I don't think she's ever held my son (live in the same city). They are like strangers. However will never put that sons children down. I think k she resents my DH bc never financially supported them. Both sons are financially the same. That has caused some of the dynamic. The woman has never worked a day in her life and is physically able. We believe if she needs an extra $1000./month work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a pp (the one that kept saying no judgment/opinion) and was trying to give benefit of doubt about peacekeeper. This is getting ME so riled (especially the MIL calling your son the devil). You are a saint so far, but wow, this can't go on.

Chiming onto the passive aggressive poster - you could continuously tell your MIL that your kids are "just like asshole BIL were at that age"

"isn't he just a little devil"
"Yes, [DH] tells me little danny is just like BIL was at that age."



You to BIL: "Oh, BIL, I see so many similar characteristics in little danny and you." Isn't it so sweet the way little Danny is so much like you???

This advice is bizarre. Please don't do this.

[Anonymous]

Clearly your IL's don't like you and/or your husband. Stop seeing them. Make every effort to put your husband and children first and let go of your sense of duty to his mom and brothers. In no time you and your husband will have the peace of mind required to assert yourselves in front of the ILs. When you prioritize your family unit there will be no need to be subservient to disrespectful relatives. Under no circumstances should you tell your MIL that you are upset. If she truly dislikes you she will use this information to continue to belittle you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear a lot of misplaced anger from you, OP. Does BIL have something you don't, but covet? You seem to blow out of proportion a fairly common family dynamic and mention money once in a while. Could that be it?

I won't call the OP envious, but I do feel like there is a giant piece missing from this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're all right. I need to handle it next time on the spot. There have been several moments where he's disrespected my children. I just haven't known how to handle it. Ie/ 2 months ago, 3rd brother got married, there was a family picture of the siblings, this brother had his 2.5 yr old daughter in the picture. my daughter came running to be in it. She's very close to this uncle and that brother told her sternly to leave the picture and it was for siblings only. She was shocked and says bc clearly his kids were in it!? I was fuming, but again didn't handle it.

WOW! Please work on having a backbone. I say this as a person who has TOO MUCH to say. If you are at a loss of words, post the situation. I have a number of "lovely" responses.

OP this pp is right. If you need help with responses, post some examples and we'll help you.

For example: the picture

brother told her sternly to leave the picture and it was for siblings only.

2 Options:

BIL - DC will stand next to your kids. Larla, honey, just stand right here.

Option 2:

Turn to Groom: Groom, can Larla stand here next to her cousins for this picture? Thanks.

Backbone PP here. I would not have even addressed the BIL:

"Baby, you stay right where you are, Uncle Groom is letting kids in the picture" -- all the while giving Uncle Asshole the ice grill.
"Say something to me -- go 'head -- SAY. SOMETHING."
Barring an entire missing piece of this story, an undisclosed family dynamic, Honestly, your BIL sounds like a big ass punk. Folks like that need to be clearly, VERY CLEARLY schooled on how to treat you. You do not have to be nasty, you don't have to curse him out, neither do you have to be unnecessarily over solicitious.
This is the dude you look dead in the face,

"I beg your pardon, is there is a reason you need to speak to my child like that"?
"Who are you talking to like that"?
"Is there a problem we need to deal with"?
"You want to re-phrase that like you have some manners"?
"Is there any reason you are talking crazy to me?"
"Is there a problem?"
"Is there some reason you think you can talk crazy to me(my kids, etc"?
"Kids play, toys are for kids to play with, now if you would like them to be a bit quieter, than please ASK, do not yell, because THAT will spark a whole different conversation, get my meaning?"
"I believe in teaching people how to treat you, do you need to be schooled right now"?
"I believe in talking to people NOT AT them, so if you want this to go well , I suggest you talk TO me"
"PROBLEM?"
" I am NOT THE ONE"

The key to all of this is when saying any of this to that joker is taking one small step towards him -- straight face -- look directly in his face -- and when you are finished, quietly look dead in his face for about 10 seconds, then turn and walk away.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's very telling that you write that your DH

..."never told him to STFU"

and that "DH would [talk to BIL] but he's uneasy doing it (his younger brother)."

I think you already know that DH and his family dynamics are a huge part of the problem. DH has to step up. I don't get why the younger brother thing matters at ALL in this case, unless the younger brother-golden child thing is at play and BIL does no wrong in anyone's eyes, so DH is scared of making him or MIL mad.

DH should have instantly said, "Bro, MyKid is OK, thanks. We'll correct him if he's not behaving. Let's you and I go" wherever -- outside to shoot hoops, inside to watch TV, to a coffee shop, whatever. Treat BIL like the tantrumy kid he's being--call him out on it and then immediately redirect, or just move on to another topic.

And then DH should be the one to tell BIL, at a time when BIL has NOT just been carping at your kids and is calmer -- "I've noticed that you seem to worry a lot about the kids making noise, or about us bringing toys for them at Other BIL's and so on. Maybe you don't realize that every day we're hearing comments to our kids correcting them and it's not needed. I know having a new baby is pretty stressful because I've been there so maybe it's that stress talking. But to be honest with you, my kids are getting scared of how you talk to them, and seeing you as someone who's there just to correct them. Is something going on?" In other words, DH can approach it as basically, you are messing up here, but I'm giving you some benefit of the doubt that maybe you're stressed. That puts BIL on alert.

If that doesn't work, yes, DH needs to whip around the next time BIL does this and say, very coldly because it will happen in front of your kids, so no yelling: "Hey, that's out of line. MyKid is sitting there playing and not interfering with you or YourKid. If our kids are acting up, we'll correct them."

I would absolutely leave MIL out of it as she will likely take son's side over grandkids' side from what you describe about golden-boy syndrome.

Regarding BIL, I wouldn't write him off forever for this, not yet; it may indeed be that he just does not like or know how to relate to or play with younger kids, but he may also turn out to be an adult who gets along great with older kids. Some adults just do not click at all with babies, toddlers, younger elementary kids, but are much better once the kids are older. I've known a couple of adults who would admit that "I prefer my kids once they're old enough to hold a real conversation" or "once they're old enough for us to do things that are more interesting" than kid play -- it's kind of sad, to me, but it's also just the way some adults are. He might be a better uncle (and father?) once all the kids are older. But you absolutely should not let him get away with talking to your kids in ways that undermine YOU and scare them, no matter their ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, this is OP, $ isn't a factor but we don't pay for my in-laws. All I was saying was he financially supports them, and so MIL keeps him on her good side. She tolerates his children and treats them lovingly. I don't think she's ever held my son (live in the same city). They are like strangers. However will never put that sons children down. I think k she resents my DH bc never financially supported them. Both sons are financially the same. That has caused some of the dynamic. The woman has never worked a day in her life and is physically able. We believe if she needs an extra $1000./month work.

Sounds like BIL and MIL are angry that you and DH aren't stepping up to the plate financially to support MIL. BIL is taking it out on your kids. I am not saying that you should be supporting MIL financially but expressing the underlying dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It's YOUR job to protect the children from mean relatives.
Like I told DH, if you can't handle your relatives, I will.