Reply to How to tell BIL you are not happy with how he speaks to your children, or myself without causing

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, it's very telling that you write that your DH

..."never told him to STFU"

and that "DH would [talk to BIL] but he's uneasy doing it (his younger brother)."

I think you already know that DH and his family dynamics are a huge part of the problem. DH has to step up. I don't get why the younger brother thing matters at ALL in this case, unless the younger brother-golden child thing is at play and BIL does no wrong in anyone's eyes, so DH is scared of making him or MIL mad.

DH should have instantly said, "Bro, MyKid is OK, thanks. [i]We'll[/i] correct him if he's not behaving. Let's you and I go" wherever -- outside to shoot hoops, inside to watch TV, to a coffee shop, whatever. Treat BIL like the tantrumy kid he's being--call him out on it and then immediately redirect, or just move on to another topic.

And then DH should be the one to tell BIL, at a time when BIL has NOT just been carping at your kids and is calmer -- "I've noticed that you seem to worry a lot about the kids making noise, or about us bringing toys for them at Other BIL's and so on. Maybe you don't realize that every day we're hearing comments to our kids correcting them and it's not needed. I know having a new baby is pretty stressful because I've been there so maybe it's that stress talking. But to be honest with you, my kids are getting scared of how you talk to them, and seeing you as someone who's there just to correct them. Is something going on?" In other words, DH can approach it as basically, you are messing up here, but I'm giving you some benefit of the doubt that maybe you're stressed. That puts BIL on alert.

If that doesn't work, yes, DH needs to whip around the next time BIL does this and say, very coldly because it will happen in front of your kids, so no yelling: "Hey, that's out of line. MyKid is sitting there playing and not interfering with you or YourKid. If our kids are acting up, we'll correct them."

I would absolutely leave MIL out of it as she will likely take son's side over grandkids' side from what you describe about golden-boy syndrome.

Regarding BIL, I wouldn't write him off forever for this, not yet; it may indeed be that he just does not like or know how to relate to or play with younger kids, but he may also turn out to be an adult who gets along great with older kids. Some adults just do not click at all with babies, toddlers, younger elementary kids, but are much better once the kids are older. I've known a couple of adults who would admit that "I prefer my kids once they're old enough to hold a real conversation" or "once they're old enough for us to do things that are more interesting" than kid play -- it's kind of sad, to me, but it's also just the way some adults are. He might be a better uncle (and father?) once all the kids are older. But you absolutely should not let him get away with talking to your kids in ways that undermine YOU and scare them, no matter their ages.[/quote]

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