How do I respond to my GF's behavior on NYE?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the sort of thing that gets better. She's showing you how she handles it when things don't go her way. This was about a NYE celebration, and she was unkind. Imagine when it's something serious? You date to learn about the other person and figure out if you're compatible. This was not a good sign.

LISTEN TO THIS WISDOM OP!

+2
She might be a wonderful person the rest of the time (which, honestly, I'd have a hard time believing) but her behavior that night was egregious enough to leave her. Seriously, you don't want that headache. She didn't just berate you for drinking the water, she berated you on the walk to the next venue, and then followed you home to continue to argue! She tried to be nasty and she tried to be hurtful and this wasn't a heat of the moment thing, lots of time in there for her to calm down if she wanted.
You'll be better off in the long run without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she was showing off - belittling you to make herself look better in front of her friends. Very insecure. This is reality-TV "real-housewives" type behavior. Break it off with her. You'll be rid of an insincere person and she may learn the limitations of that kind of behavior - or she may find people who appreciate it.

I found out that she had told her friends that the reason I didn't come out with them was because I had too much to drink and was unable to get to the bar.

You said she openly berated you: "starts berating me in front of her friends. What a child I am, how she feels like she's my mother, I never listen/understand her, etc."

Stop defending her behavior, that's the first step.

Next, figure out if it's worth it to you to put up with it or try and address it (knowing there's a chance it may not be fixable and it may get worse even if you address it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you weren't paying attention to something that was important to her and she flips out.

Her reaction seems way over the top, but I bet if we were to have a chat with girlfriend we'd see a pattern of behavior where she feels ignored by you.

Bottom line I don't think you two belong together. It's clear she needs to grow up, and you probably do to even though you tried to show us how perfect and mature you are in your OP.
Good luck in the new year.

OP here. We do communicate really well and she repeatedly tells me how grateful and appreciative she is to have someone like me who cares about her so much and treats her well. I can assure you this episode was not triggered by a pattern of me being inattentive to her or her needs.

I don't believe that she just randomly berated you. Something is off in your relationship even if you can't admit it to yourself. Even if you want to ignore the other signs that are likely there this is a huge one. Drunk or not this isn't okay behavior, so if you really want to continue with her you need to have a serious conversation, one in which she knows it can never happen again.
I still think you two are better splitting up and growing up.

[Anonymous]

My DH was engaged to a woman before me, and my DH is a great guy but very forgetful. One day he was driving to an event with her and her two or three friends in the back seat. He had just met them.

En route to the event, he realized he forgot something at home and said he knew where there was an exit to a store where he could replace missing item.

However; she berated him in front of her friends, calling him stupid and an idiot. He said he was so mad he just wanted to pull the car over. At one point she said, "I don't even know why we are together," and he thought, "yeah, why ARE we together?"

Bottom line he broke up with her.

Berating your spouse in front of others (publicly) is the highest correlated factor with divorce.

You are wise to take this incident very seriously, OP. Imagine when you have kids that are old enough to understand, and she's berating you in front of them, or behind your back. It will be bad, OP.

[Anonymous]

In two years together, she's never behaved like this toward you before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you weren't paying attention to something that was important to her and she flips out.

Her reaction seems way over the top, but I bet if we were to have a chat with girlfriend we'd see a pattern of behavior where she feels ignored by you.

Bottom line I don't think you two belong together. It's clear she needs to grow up, and you probably do to even though you tried to show us how perfect and mature you are in your OP.
Good luck in the new year.

Agree

[Anonymous]

If she's like this now, you can imagine what she'll be like in a few years. She's not going to change and I'd rather see you move with your life and find someone else.

I hate bossy women and I'm a woman. You sound like my uncle who is in his 40s.

[Anonymous]

Maya Angelou said that when someone shows you who they are believe them the FIRST time. Start the year off fresh. Sorry it didn't work out with her but she needs to be with a man she respects.

[Anonymous]

You don't marry someone because when thing are good, things are good. You marry someone, because when thing are bad, they are still kind and respectful. She has shown you that when things are "bad" (and I put that in quotes, because really, it was about a cup of water), she is disrespectful and belligerent.

Run, run far, run fast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the sort of thing that gets better. She's showing you how she handles it when things don't go her way. This was about a NYE celebration, and she was unkind. Imagine when it's something serious? You date to learn about the other person and figure out if you're compatible. This was not a good sign.

This is not true. I was far more "wild" at the age of 24 than Ian now. I drank heavier and loudly expressed my opinion, often in not so nice ways. I am so very different in my 30's. I handle all situations better. I work to understand others more. I do not enjoy heavy drinking or partying.

I am not saying she is the one for you, but people do certainly change.

[Anonymous]

I'm Italian and this is not Italian behavior. This is trashy behavior.

She showed you who she really is. Believe her. She's not worth keeping around.

[Anonymous]

She is vindictive and malicious. You need to move on.

My DH and I can have epic throw downs with every curse word you could imagine-never once has it been directed at each other. We don't tear each other down even in our worst moments. We recover from our arguments in minutes and move on with no problem because we haven't let behind any sharp words.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to depart from the common wisdom here and say that it was a drunk episode with less meaning for your relationship than it was for her personally.

Twenty-three is a weird transitional stage and you just got a front row seat. When you bring your high school friends into the context of your not-quite adult life and put alcohol into the mix, there's an uncomfortable juxtaposition between what your high school self thought your adult self would be and the reality of what you are. She brought her old friends around and then critiqued herself through their eyes - through their high schooler eyes. Drunk minds do that kind of bullshit.

If you were in your 30s I'd say run like hell, but in your 20s go with your gut feelings. She basically showed you a vulnerability and if you care about her you can tell her honestly how it made you feel and give her a chance to deal with the consequences of her behavior. I'm betting she'll feel badly and open up about some stuff she hasn't shared before.

Or you can decide you really don't have time for her issues and move on. Both options are reasonable. Plenty of time to deal with Significant Other Drama I your lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm Italian and this is not Italian behavior. This is trashy behavior.

She showed you who she really is. Believe her. She's not worth keeping around.

Are you from the north? there's a huge difference between a woman from Bologna for example and one from Napoli

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 23yo guy, she is 24. We've been together for 2 years.

For NYE we had a big group of her high school friends over in her apartment. We live in the same building but she lives in a 2BR with a roommate and I have my own studio. She comes from a Spanish/Italian family where there's a symbolic tradition to fill a cup of water in 2015 and then pour it out once the clock rolls over to "discard" 2015. She explained the tradition to the group and gave everyone a plastic cup. I wasn't really paying attention and I drank the cup of water. On the walk outside the building to discard the water, she realizes I drank it and starts berating me in front of her friends. What a child I am, how she feels like she's my mother, I never listen/understand her, etc.

We were walking to a paid NYE event shortly thereafter and once we get a little in front of the group she continues tearing into me. I turned to her and said something to the effect of "If you don't stop this right now, I'm going to turn around and go home. I'm going to this paid NYE event even though I don't want to and I don't need to listen to you criticize me on the whole walk there". She continued, and so I turned around and went back to my apartment.

She came back to my apartment and told me the visitors were her friends and that I don't have any friends. I'm extremely close with 3 guys and one of them lives in SF (so I don't get to see him that often), and she has more of a mile-wide inch-deep relationship with her female acquaintances so I suspect that's why she would say that. Regardless, the remark made no sense in the context of our argument and it was clear she just trying to be hurtful. She said "I'm leaving and if you don't come with me we're done". I said "I think you're being really unreasonable, but if that's what you want". I then went up to grab my stuff from her apartment, and on the way in the elevator she was gleefully rubbing in my face how she is going to a bar with her friends and I'm not. I didn't go with her and fell asleep.

The next morning, I sent her a text that said "I am really really disappointed in your behavior towards me last night". She came down to my apartment and was really apologetic for being "nasty bitch". I explained that I'm not sure why she'd say she feels like my mother or that she takes care of me. I do well for myself, I am totally self-sufficient, and have my life together for a 20-something let alone a 23 year old. She is a self-admittedly bossy and sometimes controlling person, and she said she thought it might be more a function of that vs me being immature or in need of someone to take care of me.

I have literally never had a significant other be so vindictive and deliberately hurtful, I almost feel like I saw a side of her personality that does not bode well for the future. I don't know what to do from here.

OP, I agree with her. I would dump you. Not having your own friends to invite to a party and not respecting her when she was talking about a tradition and just dazing off like a little worm are both LOW STATUS MARKERS.

She doesn't have the courage to dump you, at least at this moment. But make no mistake - she doesn't think you're a quality specimen, which you are not. I'd say dump her before things get worse.