How to be closer to DD (age 11) if I'm stretched thin (working and with 3 kids)?

[Anonymous]

OP, my 3 kids are much younger and so I don't have any advice (I saw the title of the thread and was interested). But as a working mom I can imagine myself being in a similar situation. What I don't get is that, isn't middle school out around 3 pm? And if you're able to work your schedule around to be home around 5, then what is the big deal about not being there for two hours after school? When I was that age I played tennis or was in an academic type club every day until 4:30 or 5. So I'm not understanding why your post is so heavily focused about working versus being at home. To me it seems like this is a red herring, that the situation is unrelated to your work and just about your relationship with your daughter. I'm sure I'm missing something but for you to stop working now when your kids are in school all day seems extreme, or unrelated to your main issue.

good luck....

[Anonymous]

I have 3 children exactly these ages, and something I've found helpful is having 'special time' with mom and dad - on the calendar. It's planned and always involves leaving the house. Making it for a Saturday and Sunday works fine, also Friday nights. I usually take my younger to get a quick bite to eat, sometimes my older two for a hot chocolate. Again, separately showing them you respect their differences and want to spend time with them separately. Sometimes that gets lost in the middle child...

[Anonymous]

If she makes fun of your suggestions for things to do, what would she like to do? Maybe a photography exhibit instead of the mall or high tea? Maybe show you her minecraft world? I think it can be particularly hard when a daughter is not a girl girl or is a little into counter-culture, as the girl can feel a little guilty for not being the bubbly, pedicure-wanting girl that she thinks her mom expects and wants. I think you need to figure out where her interest lie and follow that, even if it's not something you're into. Then, from there, you can find common ground.

[Anonymous]

I have to go back and read all the replies, but the first few seemed thoughtful, and your post seemed very thoughtful, OP.

I'm a mom of two DDs, 11 and 13. Yes 11 is a nicer age; 13 brings snark and pushback, it seems.

So here are some random things:

I want to recommend a book (that I actually highlighted) called Girls will be Girls. It was recommended to me years ago by a children's brain researcher, and it's very helpful and not a hard read at all.

I do want to say that the way you posed your question makes it impossible. If I read it right, it was basically "how can I develop a closer relationship with my DD if I don't have one more second to spend with her?"

You need to carve out some time, OP. Don't know what can go away, but maybe get a cleaning service or someone to do your laundry (which seems to take forever in my house).

Go to lunch together, or something after school if possible. If you are getting nowhere with the conversation, remember to model what you want to hear. "How was your day?" won't get you far, but "Wow, first Larlo in the next cubicle had the worst gas! (blah blah, funny story) And then Janet gave me the nicest compliment, she is such a kind person…….what about your day?" Then they talk.

However; if she doesn't, then in the car, or on a walk is great because many people open up when not looking eye-to-eye, and when doing something else. Actually if you can pick up in carpool, this is the best time for many; it often gets squandered on a car movie or by outsourcing this key time.

If there are two or more languages in your household, ask your DD about her day in the language that it happened in (presumably English). The stories flow more easily when there is no extra step of translating required.

Lastly, I'll say this from my own experience. When I was 8, my folks split up and my mom worked really hard, and worked nights for part of this time; I only saw her asleep for about two years. Our relationship was not close because she was so unavailable. My memories of her during my teen years were of her yelling at me to empty the dishwasher. I really can't remember much else and remember when I was a young adult how my mom had "changed," she is so happy all the time and didn't yell! ha ha…but wow as an adult and especially when becoming a mom, I realized how much stress she was under.

So, our relationship now? We are close, now, and have been for many years (and I'm 50 next week and she's 90 next week!) I think if your DD understands that your motive is not that she is not a priority, but that you work hard because she IS the priority, then that makes a difference. If you were just working for more toys, bigger house, fancier car, that would be different, and that's not the case here.

I was a professional, but am now a SAHM and I also think I'm a good mom, and in our situation given DH's job, that's the way we make sure our kids' needs are met. I don't think it comes down to SAH or not; it's how the whole family package fits together. If my DH's job wasn't so demanding, I never would have quit. Likewise, if my job was one I could do part-time, I wouldn't have quit. It's just the circumstances of your individual situation. So I wouldn't hang this problem all on the SAH question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had a closer relationship with my DD (age 11)

We have three kids – ages 13, 11, and 6.

I feel close to my oldest and my youngest, but I don’t feel close to my middle child (DD age 11 – a 5th grader).

I know that part of it is that I work full-time. I wish so much I could be there for the kids right after school. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my job, and I do feel lucky to have a good interesting job that pays well and does not require travel. (My DH and I each make $150K per year.) We could get by on DH’s income but we are trying to build up a nest egg so that we all have a cushion (and so that we hope our kids have a cushion that they can pass on).

We have a long-time babysitter who helps with the kids after school while I work. In the summers, they seem to like doing a combo of day camps, 2 weeks of sleep-away camp, and a few weeks of vacation.

I genuinely try to spend every free moment with the kids and be the best mom possible. But with 3 kids, I feel I am stretched thin. My DH is a good father and he is pretty close to our 11-year-old.

I sometimes wonder if my DD is a bit depressed, even though she is only 11 years old. Despite having a stable family life and a nice school to attend, she seems kind of blue generally. She has always been this way! I remember that, even at age 2-3, my grandmother commented that DD was “such a somber child.” I still remember her saying those words even though it was about 9 years ago!

At this age (11), so many of DD’s friends are such cheerful and upbreat girls. In contrast, my DD is a bit more negative. She can be openly critical of me in front of her friends, as if she thinks it’s cool to criticize your mom.

She finds school pretty easy and therefore claims it’s boring. Unlike me as a kid, she does not seem to care about pleasing the teacher. She’ll do a slapdash job on homework and just turn it in. Her grades are OK, but not outstanding because she just doesn’t want to put in the effort. Her teachers over the years seem to like her, but not love her.

I don’t know if this suggests anxiety on DD's part, but she does need to use the bathroom more often than most kids. When we are on an outing, for example, she’ll use the bathroom 2x in a 90-minute trip to the mall. (She goes all night without using the bathroom, but often goes at least every hour during the school day).

I have heard that the elementary school years are the “golden years” for parents because the kids are independent and yet enjoy spending time with you. My DD seems to enjoy being with me, but also can be critical of me (making fun of my attempts to suggest ideas for things we can do.) I’m kind of dreading the teenage years, if this is what 11 years old is like.

My mom worked full-time when I was a kid, and we have a pretty close relationship. I am praying that will be possible for my DD and me someday. I see some of my DD’s friends with their stay-at-home moms and I wish so very much that I had that type of close relationship with my DD.

I have suggested to the kids that I could become a SAHM if we moved to a more distant suburb. Both my 13—year-old and my 11-year-old opposed the idea, mostly because they said that they’d like to keep their current friends. (My 6-year-old liked the idea.)

Any advice on how to be close with your DD even if you work full-time and are stretched thin with a family of 3 kids, especially if your DD does not have the standard upbreat personality? Thank you.

$300K is a lot of money to make. Do you really need to move to a distant suburb? Couldn't you just find a part time job, move to a smaller house, or stop working? We live among the most affluent suburbs in the DC area and people make half that and live comfortably.

[Anonymous]

You did sound somewhat critical of your daughter...your language implied there was something inherently wrong with being somber and serious and cynical. She has probably caught on to that and that has become an obstacle for the both of you.

You need to really be able to see her strengths, and she needs to trust that you really do see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my 3 kids are much younger and so I don't have any advice (I saw the title of the thread and was interested). But as a working mom I can imagine myself being in a similar situation. What I don't get is that, isn't middle school out around 3 pm? And if you're able to work your schedule around to be home around 5, then what is the big deal about not being there for two hours after school? When I was that age I played tennis or was in an academic type club every day until 4:30 or 5. So I'm not understanding why your post is so heavily focused about working versus being at home. To me it seems like this is a red herring, that the situation is unrelated to your work and just about your relationship with your daughter. I'm sure I'm missing something but for you to stop working now when your kids are in school all day seems extreme, or unrelated to your main issue.

good luck....

Heads up, PP. Many of us found that middle school was a much harder time to be working than elementary school. Some kids are really, really needy at that point in life as they start leaving childhood behind and they become more complex.

(I do agree on work being the red herring, though)

[Anonymous]

I have two kids with very different temperaments. My first born (DD) is much like me, outgoing, confident, competitive, positive. My son (9), much more reserved, sensitive and at times grumpy and negative. One thing that has helped me is to find the positive aspects of his disposition and to vocalize them (so he knows I see and understand him). So, while I cringe when he can't bring himself to speak to adults after losing a close sports match, I can also tell him "I know you are extremely observant"; "You could be a comedian with the impersonations you do" "You have an amazing memory." Lately he's developed a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that appears to come out of now where when coming from such a "straight guy" . . . hysterical.

I'd spend a few minutes writing down the "flip side" of your DDs traits that make he different than you. Is she more intense? Is she more methodical? Calmer? Skeptical? (these can all be strengths) Then think about how those traits will serve her well in life and start celebrating them when you have a chance.

BTW--I am home after school. Nonetheless, it took me a good 6 years to figure out how my son operates. Even though I know a lot about him, that doesn't mean we always connect. He way too often uses me as his punching bag and to let off steam and I get frustrated by this!! If I weren't there, I'm not sure I'd catch as much of that. TBH, I think the one advantage of being home is that I can sometimes intuit what has created his dark mood based on what I know about his day that I might not know if I wasn't there driving carpool etc. I also know when to push and when to let things slide because I understand more of the stressors in his afternoon than I would if I come home a 6:00.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids with very different temperaments. My first born (DD) is much like me, outgoing, confident, competitive, positive. My son (9), much more reserved, sensitive and at times grumpy and negative. One thing that has helped me is to find the positive aspects of his disposition and to vocalize them (so he knows I see and understand him). So, while I cringe when he can't bring himself to speak to adults after losing a close sports match, I can also tell him "I know you are extremely observant"; "You could be a comedian with the impersonations you do" "You have an amazing memory." Lately he's developed a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that appears to come out of now where when coming from such a "straight guy" . . . hysterical.

I'd spend a few minutes writing down the "flip side" of your DDs traits that make he different than you. Is she more intense? Is she more methodical? Calmer? Skeptical? (these can all be strengths) Then think about how those traits will serve her well in life and start celebrating them when you have a chance.

BTW--I am home after school. Nonetheless, it took me a good 6 years to figure out how my son operates. Even though I know a lot about him, that doesn't mean we always connect. He way too often uses me as his punching bag and to let off steam and I get frustrated by this!! If I weren't there, I'm not sure I'd catch as much of that. TBH, I think the one advantage of being home is that I can sometimes intuit what has created his dark mood based on what I know about his day that I might not know if I wasn't there driving carpool etc. I also know when to push and when to let things slide because I understand more of the stressors in his afternoon than I would if I come home a 6:00.

This is great advice. All personality traits have both a positive and negative side. It can be harder to see the positive side of what seems to be negativity, but as PP said, often a more negative person is also more analytical, observant, sensitive, etc. -- all wonderful things!

[Anonymous]

I posted above, but want to add-- if your 11 year old makes fun of you. Have a sense of humor. If my 12 yr/old did that I would respond in some SUPER silly way that would be "totally embarrassing." Perhaps suggesting a dance party and by breaking out my best moves in front of her friends . . . Just let her know that yes, you are there to embarrass her "it's your job" as mom of a tween. I have very thick skin and don't mind being the butt of their jokes at times. Of course, when she's outright rude, you tell her so and respond accordingly.

[Anonymous]

If you are tired from working full time, have you thought about cutting back to "school hours" for a year or two - or more? Cutting back for 5 - 7 years isn't going to kill your cushion. Will it be less? sure, but not a lot in the long view (e.g., retirement and beyond) and you'll have more energy yourself and potentially less anxiety about this.

Also, I'd suggest taking a look at the book "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" http://www.amazon.com/The-Hidden-Gifts-Introverted-Child/dp/0761135243 and/or possibly "Quiet Kids" http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Kids-Introverted-Succeed-Extroverted/dp/1618210823/

[Anonymous]

OP, it's natural to find some personalities more compatible with your own, even when talking about your children. You sound like a very caring mom, who wants to meet her child where she is but you just don't know exactly how to do that. My advice is keep trying, keep up efforts to make her feel seen and heard and understood, and try different ways of relating to her. When I thought my DD (now 13) was feeling disconnected from me and was possibly depressed, I started a mother-daughter journal with her. I write notes to her in it and put it on her bed, regardless of whether she writes back. I explained to her that with other kids in the house, I knew that we didn't get enough time alone and that I really wanted her to know I was thinking about her. Just don't get your feelings hurt if she rolls her eyes or never writes back; I see it as my job as the mom to keep coming back and affirming that I care and want that connection.

I also don't think that different has to mean incompatible; it's just a matter of finding what you can share together. DS, now 15, and I thought it was very funny that we have polar opposite Meyers-Briggs types (he took it in a high school class) and were able to talk about it and laugh. It explains a lot about how we relate! As insignificant as it sounds, what he wants from me is shoulder rubs (very athletic kid prone to muscle aches) and he'll chat about school and sports and such. I don't mean this as a literal suggestion for your daughter -- just that there may be something like that that means something to her that seems inconsequential to you.

Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm going through the sane thing with my 12 year old daughter. I worry about her ALL the time. One thing I've noticed is that I have been very critical of her and I know I need to do better and I've told her that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through the sane thing with my 12 year old daughter. I worry about her ALL the time. One thing I've noticed is that I have been very critical of her and I know I need to do better and I've told her that too.

I have a 12 yr old too. My parents were hyper-critical and as a result it's my nature to be that way too. Luckily I have friends who had kids before I did, and was able to learn that there's more than one perfectly acceptable way to do things and kids can still come out fine. So my daughter's top dresser drawer doesn't have what *I* think it should have. She's got a system and it works for her, so that's fine. I've gotten good at stepping back and thinking "what reaction does she need/want from me after saying this?" and it helps me to avoid saying things like "Ella cursed on Instagram - you're no longer allowed to hang out with her."

I worry about my girl all the time too - she has no idea how many hours I've stayed awake thinking and worrying. But I try to remind myself what I wound up yelling at my mother when I was a teenager - you have to have confidence in your parenting, that you've taught your kid well.

[Anonymous]

I agree it wouldn't be different if you were at home.

OP, can you take an occasional staycation day on a school break and do something with your 11-year-old one to one?

Better yet, can you go away for a girls' weekend with her?

When my daughter and I went through a period of what I'll call disconnectedness I decided to take her to the place of her choice, just us, for a long weekend. We went to NYC. It not only reconnected us but actually brought us to a level we'd never been at before, and the effect has lasted for years.

There are many cheaper places to go. It's priceless.