How to be closer to DD (age 11) if I'm stretched thin (working and with 3 kids)?

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a good parent an knowing that reassures me that having a similar issue may be "normal."

PP who does the mother-daughter diary, what kinds of things do you do or write about?

[Anonymous]

Just to counter some of the thoughts on here, I wouldn't rule out that changing or quitting your job could change your relationship with your kids. Of course, it could change for the better or for the worse. I cut down to school-hours only and took a big demotion less than a year ago and everything in our household has changed: children are less moody, more focused on school, now actually accomplish all their chores and homework, and now can do all kinds of fun activities we just never had time for when I walked in the door exhausted right at dinner time. Only you can say what kind of pressure your (or your husband's) work lives are putting on the family compared to the value of the income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a good parent an knowing that reassures me that having a similar issue may be "normal."

PP who does the mother-daughter diary, what kinds of things do you do or write about?

I'm a NP. We do mother=daughter and mother-son notebooks in our house - basically we write letters to each other. We write about everything. Some of it is just chatty about our day. Sometimes they mention classes they want to take, activities they want to try, things they want to do on vacation, what they want for Christmas. Sometimes they want to ask about a problem or issue they are having. I write about the same things. If I want to know how something is going, I'll start a conversation about it. I just love our notebooks.

[Anonymous]

Lately I've been asking my 11 yo questions about his life at bedtime and letting him stay up a bit later to talk to me. He's less guarded then and I'm less distracted, and I learn a lot as he talks my ear off. The next day, he is always snuggly towards me.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP who posted this back in December 2015.

My DH and I are starting to worry about our DD's lack of effort in school. I re-read what I wrote in December, and it seems so true now. "I sometimes wonder if my DD is a bit depressed, even though she is only 11 years old. Despite having a stable family life and a nice school to attend, she seems kind of blue generally. She has always been this way! I remember that, even at age 2-3, my grandmother commented that DD was “such a somber child.” I still remember her saying those words even though it was about 9 years ago!"

A few months ago she got a fairly large part in the school musical, but the performance is weeks away and she has not put in enough effort to learn her lines. Just this week, her music teacher has told her point blank that, if she does not learn her lines by next week, she will be replaced in the play. Rather that use this as motivation, she is very sad and depressed.

Her grades are pretty decent, but seems like they should be better for such a bright girl.

Any thoughts on motivating a kid to rally to keep their part in a play? I wish she had internal motivation to help her.

[Anonymous]

Have you heard of the Child Depression Inventory (CDI)? Perhaps check with your school counselor or school psychologist to see if either of them could administer this to her? It's quite a simple screening, and it'd be good to rule in/out actual depression.

[Anonymous]

OP, I used to be a middle school teacher and it seems like your daughter might need some more scaffolding -- you know, like your invisible hand helping her to succeed. More structure. So, rather than letting her fail, you help her. Setting up specific targets (x #lines memorized by x date). Maybe it seems insurmountable now that she's procrastinated? That also may be true for the hw. I remember when I was teaching I was pretty surprised that some teachers explicitly taught organizational skills and some didn't at all. It was hard for the kids. Maybe your daughter needs some help for a bit to figure out how to be successful.

[Anonymous]

The immediate question of the school play is the last thing to worry about. And the question of "motivation" is the next-to-last thing. The thing to worry about is depression.

[Anonymous]

OP - please take the day off from work, keep DD home from school, and do something together out of the house. Keep it fun and light. When you broach the topic of depression and the play issue, be kind, be open, and don't give in to the temptation to swoop in with suggestions. Hopefully she will feel safe enough to give you some clue of what is going on. I know you're busy and this isn't necessarily fair to your other kids, but your DD needs you very much right now, and she needs you to not wish she were more easygoing and extroverted. Hugs to both of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DD is very different from me. I used to say "why don't you dress like your cousins. I'll take you to hollister today." My DD would reply that she just wanted more band shirts from hot topics. I drilled on this issue for a year. I purchased the "in" clothes and they never got worn. I gave up, but I was obviously annoyed.

Weeks later, DD confided in me how she felt less than. When I asked why she said she didn't know but that she knew I was annoyed with her because she wasn't like my nieces. Wake up call for me! I got her counseling to undo the apparent damage I had caused, I also learned to be more accepting. 1.5 years later and we have an incredible relationship. I have learned to love and accept every bit of her. She's herself. She's not me or anyone else.

[Anonymous]

PP, I wish you had been my mom! I was like OP's daughter and my mom never "got" me, and finally just let me kind of flounder on my own. I pulled things together for myself with no support from my mom by the time I was in high school and went on to have a lovely grown-up life. Still, the hurt of knowing that I wasn't what my mom wanted and that she wasn't willing to invest in me has stayed with me 25 years later.

Op, you sound like you do care. I agree with the poster who said that you need to provide a scaffolding for your daughter. Giving her structure and support and a sense of the permanency of your relationship will get her through the impermanency of body changes, friend shifts, school switching, etc.

[Anonymous]

OPstepip and help her with the school play lines. Take a day off from work and a day off from school to f you have to. She is overwhelmed, and needs a grownup to help her not be embarrassed. That is you.
This won't solve the bigger problems, but it will show
her you have her back and prevent disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it probably wouldn't be any different if you were at home, especially since it sounds like you are close to your other two kids. It may just be that your temperaments and personalities are different, and you don't feel as connected. There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you love her any less -- you just have to make more of an effort to connect, whereas it just comes more naturally with your other two. Being at home wouldn't necessarily change that.
As long as you continue to make that effort, and taking some time one-on-one when you can, then you're doing well. I'm sure she knows you love her.

OP here. This response brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this post.

This. My daughter and I have completely opposite personalities and I have struggled to find ways to connect. I'm an introvert and she's an extrovert; I prefer quiet; she talks a lot (a lot!). One of the things we do together is take a walk. She views it as a chance to talk about "girly things" and she uses the time to ask me questions about puberty, get advice, etc, and I view it as our one-on-one time together.

Sometimes I'll ask her to come along when I need to run an errand -- again, it's one-on-one time that isn't necessarily scheduled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP who posted this back in December 2015.

My DH and I are starting to worry about our DD's lack of effort in school. I re-read what I wrote in December, and it seems so true now. "I sometimes wonder if my DD is a bit depressed, even though she is only 11 years old. Despite having a stable family life and a nice school to attend, she seems kind of blue generally. She has always been this way! I remember that, even at age 2-3, my grandmother commented that DD was “such a somber child.” I still remember her saying those words even though it was about 9 years ago!"

A few months ago she got a fairly large part in the school musical, but the performance is weeks away and she has not put in enough effort to learn her lines. Just this week, her music teacher has told her point blank that, if she does not learn her lines by next week, she will be replaced in the play. Rather that use this as motivation, she is very sad and depressed.

Her grades are pretty decent, but seems like they should be better for such a bright girl.

Any thoughts on motivating a kid to rally to keep their part in a play? I wish she had internal motivation to help her.

Have you looked into whether she might have some anxiety issues?

Can't put my finger on what made me think of that, exactly. But if she has an above average fear of failure (or of not being "good enough"), then this is very much NOT an issue of motivation.

Many people who internalize their anxiety exhibit behaviors like excessive prograstination. Or they tend to withdraw or disengage from situations, events and even people that they initially liked and enjoyed, but that now cause them undue stress and anxiety. Basically, sometimes even the good things and people become to fraught.

Might be worth exploring with your pediatrician or even the school counselor if s/he is on top of these things.