Reply to How to be closer to DD (age 11) if I'm stretched thin (working and with 3 kids)?

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Reply to "How to be closer to DD (age 11) if I'm stretched thin (working and with 3 kids)?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I have to go back and read all the replies, but the first few seemed thoughtful, and your post seemed very thoughtful, OP.

I'm a mom of two DDs, 11 and 13.  Yes 11 is a nicer age; 13 brings snark and pushback, it seems.

So here are some random things:

I want to recommend a book (that I actually highlighted) called Girls will be Girls.  It was recommended to me years ago by a children's brain researcher, and it's very helpful and not a hard read at all.

I do want to say that the way you posed your question makes it impossible.  If I read it right, it was basically "how can I develop a closer relationship with my DD if I don't have one more second to spend with her?"

You need to carve out some time, OP.  Don't know what can go away, but maybe get a cleaning service or someone to do your laundry (which seems to take forever in my house).

Go to lunch together, or something after school if possible.  If you are getting nowhere with the conversation, remember to model what you want to hear.  "How was your day?" won't get you far, but "Wow, first Larlo in the next cubicle had the worst gas! (blah blah, funny story) And then Janet gave me the nicest compliment, she is such a kind person…….what about your day?"  Then they talk.

However; if she doesn't, then in the car, or on a walk is great because many people open up when not looking eye-to-eye, and when doing something else.  Actually if you can pick up in carpool, this is the best time for many; it often gets squandered on a car movie or by outsourcing this key time.

If there are two or more languages in your household, ask your DD about her day in the language that it happened in (presumably English).  The stories flow more easily when there is no extra step of translating required.

Lastly, I'll say this from my own experience.  When I was 8, my folks split up and my mom worked really hard, and worked nights for part of this time; I only saw her asleep for about two years.  Our relationship was not close because she was so unavailable.  My memories of her during my teen years were of her yelling at me to empty the dishwasher.  I really can't remember much else and remember when I was a young adult how my mom had "changed," she is so happy all the time and didn't yell! ha ha…but wow as an adult and especially when becoming a mom, I realized how much stress she was under.

So, our relationship now?  We are close, now, and have been for many years (and I'm 50 next week and she's 90 next week!)  I think if your DD understands that your motive is not that she is not a priority, but that you work hard because she IS the priority, then that makes a difference.  If you were just working for more toys, bigger house, fancier car, that would be different, and that's not the case here.

I was a professional, but am now a SAHM and I also think I'm a good mom, and in our situation given DH's job, that's the way we make sure our kids' needs are met.  I don't think it comes down to SAH or not; it's how the whole family package fits together.  If my DH's job wasn't so demanding, I never would have quit.  Likewise, if my job was one I could do part-time, I wouldn't have quit.  It's just the circumstances of your individual situation.  So I wouldn't hang this problem all on the SAH question.
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