I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
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Anonymous
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OP, my sister married a man whose first wife left him to marry her AP.
My (step)niece is turning 14 and is starting to put the pieces together in her head. Not only will they eventually figure out what happened, but I know I would appreciate you not having gone nuclear on my childhood (which as an adult, I'd recognize you were within bounds to do) so hopefully they will too. Good luck. |
Anonymous
The thing is though if OP goes crazy like you think she should it doesn't hurt the new wife or X it hurts the kids. OP could even end up losing custody over alienation. OP is being smart. When they grow older those girls will learn the truth. The only thing I would do is warn OP to be cautious many a new wife has persuaded her husband to seek additional custody to push mom out of the picture. Do not let that happen. |
Anonymous
| Sorry that you are still struggling with this OP. To be honest, I think that you are far more accommodating than a lot of custodial parents would be. My present to myself this holiday season is that I am not swapping any custody dates Thanksgiving through New Year's. I did that last year and it was chaotic for the kids and ultimately unappreciated by the ex. |
Anonymous
This almost never happens. It's a myth. |
Anonymous
Someone on DCUM has recently learned the term parental alienation, doesn't actually know what it means, but won't stop flinging it around on various threads. |
Anonymous
You need to put your foot down or your ex and step are going to walk all over you. Stick to the agreement. Tell your kids the truth -- that it's hurtful they don't want to spend the holidays with their mother. |
Anonymous
Agree with the first part of this. It's great if it works out for your kids to spend time with their cousins, but your time is your time. The most important thing for your kids is that they have two parents who love them. And it's too much of a burden on the kids to choose who they spend holidays with-to many chances for them to be manipulated or to feel guilty for whatever they choose. You are the adult, just stick to the schedule. And stick to your rituals even if they are resistant, they will appreciate it when they look back. And, understand that for many kids of divorce life is always better at the other house-my ex and I both here how much more fun the other house is and how the kid would rather be with the other parent/at the other house. That talk is not a reflection on you. |
Anonymous
It's not as I personally know 2 people it has happened to, but you go ahead and keep encouraging OP to use her kids to her back at her X for cheating on her. |
Anonymous
+1 Also when it's you and the kids don't even talk about her or him. If they bring them up change the subject. Don't give them any more time, attention, in you life (or in your head). If you can manage this, have a go between/third-party. I use my mom and she only texts him- no phone calls (it's much more controlled that way and there is a record of what was said). I don't have direct contact with my ex at all because he is so toxic and sneaky. He's much better behaved with my mom and the distance is so good for me. There is also way less back-and-forth. Once something is decided- it stays that way. Way more predictable. That's was a total bonus. |
Anonymous
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PP, she cannot keep her children away from their father. They are his children too and he has as much right as she does to them. Cheating does not sever parental rights. The OP _cannot_ keep the kids away from him, if he cheated with and married a hundred women.
OP, it sounds to me like your kids are telling you that they'd like more active, larger holiday gatherings. I think you can figure out ways to be responsive to this without making it a competition between you and your ex's wife about who's awesomest. Do you have family with kids their age? What about close local friends? Maybe you could have a holiday party. A friend of mine has a 12th Night party every year - it's outside the big holiday party circuit but still in the season of. Maybe you could do something like that. You need to create traditions too. Thanksgiving at home with just you and them may sound great to you, but it's not really much of a "holiday tradition" and it sounds like your daughters realize that. |
Anonymous
Most of my relatives that I'm close to are, like my first cousins, are much older with kids around my age, but they don't have kids and I'm an only child, so my kids don't have any first cousins on my side. I have a few close friends, but they don't have kids that are around my kid's age. A 12th night party sounds interesting, can you tell me more about it? I try to create traditions. We decorate for Thanksgiving and I usually make a big Thanksgiving meal for all of us and then we'll watch classics like Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and The Wizard of Oz. Maybe I need to find other things to keep their interest. |
Anonymous
Violating the custody order or agreement sure. Alienation, not so much. Extremely hard to prove actual damage done. No damage proven, no custody lost. |
Anonymous
One way to engage them is to ask them to help you come up with new traditions. What kinds of things would they enjoy doing on Thanksgiving, what would they look forward to as the holiday approached? Be open to new things, like perhaps going for a family hike on Thanksgiving morning. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, but what was AP again? Is that where the whore came from? The whore and all is grown people's problem. Kids don't need to know about who did what. They will ask or figure it out when time is right.
My parents fought over who slept with whom and it was devastating. As a grown up I told them I didn't care, it was not important, my sanity as a kid was important. Right now I'm actually in a similar situation. My ex DH is dating the woman with whom he went to vacation behind my back. That was 9 years again and I just don't care. As long as she is good to my son (9), that is all that matter. I remarried and have moved on. Just be happy for your children, they don't need any drama and fighting over them. No one can replace mom. |
Anonymous
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Hugs to you. This is understandable and a tough position for you but never fear. Your kids will always, always love you as their mother. I know it is hard for you but it is pretty great they have another supportive person in their lives too especially as they become teens. My story is below and hopefully you will learn some ways to deal with this new situation.
We were in a similar position as your kids, and at those ages and frankly until they are adults - you are likely to find them making statements like that and genuinely feeling that way. It is what it is and you can work around it, in fact you must figure out how you will do that and stick to it for years. I can tell you about how my mother did it with us, 5 of us. She did not have a big family and there were no cousins on that side. I had a lovely stepmother for over 30 years until she died suddenly 3 years ago and a mother, whom I love greatly, who was an alcoholic for most of my youth and young adult life and slipped up even as recently as 5 years ago, but she has and will always continue to be my mother. She was so good at enjoying every moment she had with us and pretty much never badmouthing our stepmom as much as she probably wanted to - these are the keys - even though we rarely had actual Thanksgiving day with her, she always had a Thanksgiving meal for us the next day or whenever she next had us - the celebrating not the actual day are just a state of mind - even if we were in college and just dropped by for a few hours. Also we had traditions in each family and you can get your kids input and start some new ones with them too if they want that - it can be ice skating and hot cocoa or whatever you all come up with - your DH isn't the only one with that opportunity. Good luck OP - you can get past this - and create your own space with your kids. I think managing your expectations will be key here. Stay positive! |