I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you , OP.

You are doing right by them.

YOU are their mom.

No sweet talking hussy no matter how many cookies, treats, and toys she bribes them with can change that.

You are in this for the long haul she's only in it until your ex gets bored and replaces her.

Please. My DH's father has been married to his AP for 40 years. And honestly, no one should wish for more instability in their children's lives.

That's nice dear. I'm sorry your daddy was a cad.

PP was right Stepmom is only around aslong as X wants her to be she has no legal standing. Mom is mom forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, she cannot keep her children away from their father. They are his children too and he has as much right as she does to them. Cheating does not sever parental rights. The OP _cannot_ keep the kids away from him, if he cheated with and married a hundred women.

OP, it sounds to me like your kids are telling you that they'd like more active, larger holiday gatherings. I think you can figure out ways to be responsive to this without making it a competition between you and your ex's wife about who's awesomest. Do you have family with kids their age? What about close local friends? Maybe you could have a holiday party. A friend of mine has a 12th Night party every year - it's outside the big holiday party circuit but still in the season of. Maybe you could do something like that.

You need to create traditions too. Thanksgiving at home with just you and them may sound great to you, but it's not really much of a "holiday tradition" and it sounds like your daughters realize that.

Most of my relatives that I'm close to are, like my first cousins, are much older with kids around my age, but they don't have kids and I'm an only child, so my kids don't have any first cousins on my side. I have a few close friends, but they don't have kids that are around my kid's age. A 12th night party sounds interesting, can you tell me more about it?

I try to create traditions. We decorate for Thanksgiving and I usually make a big Thanksgiving meal for all of us and then we'll watch classics like Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and The Wizard of Oz. Maybe I need to find other things to keep their interest.

PP here. Twelfth Night description here (also known as Epiphany): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelfth_Night_(holiday) My friend bakes a King Cake, which is basically a cake with a bean or a tiny plastic baby baked into it. The guest who finds the bean/baby gets to claim they are King for the year. It is a cute party activity that you can take as seriously or not as you wish. There are obviously religious underpinnings from old pagan holidays of seasonal change to Catholic traditions, which you can also observe or not, as you wish.

As for the rest of your troubles, it sounds like your kids enjoy the throng that they experience with your ex's family. I know how you feel on that front, as my ex and his wife take my daughter to family holidays with her (large) family. My two siblings do not have children, and my husband is an only child, so DD does not get to experience the throng with us. I think that your Thanksgiving sounds great, but I think you can probably imagine that for a child who wants to run around with cousins and other kids, having a nice dinner and then watching movies does not sound very exciting or special.

Next year is our Thanksgiving, and at this point, I am strongly considering just flying us out of town for the holiday. We can go to the Caribbean or something, and consider that to be DH's and my Christmas present to each other. I'm not suggesting that you need to do this, but it sounds to me like your daughters are old enough to have preferences about their experiences, which means that they're old enough to contribute to creating those experiences.

[Anonymous]

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing. I have a cousin whose father married his affair partner. Mom and dad fought so much and my cousin has ton of issues from it. He is in his 30s and still incredibily bitter towards his father to the point that it's become self destructive.

But I would be careful about sending the kids to your ex for every major holiday. Or you may get stuck with this arrangement forever which is only going to make you feel worse. I would also ask your ex-husband again if you can have them for Christmas and stress to him the importance of this if he wants your goodwill in the future with switching for other important events. If he gets upset remind him that he chose this situation.

I know this situation hurts because I saw it first hand with my aunt. I hope you move on to someone more deserving.

[Anonymous]

Stepmom here. I didn't read all the responses. But I am a very good and loving stepmom to my three step kids. Of course the kids have a ball with us! Disneyworld! A car for DSD! Dinners at fancy restaurants! International vacations! They love coming to dad's house, and they love to confide in me-I'm sort of a "cool aunt" to them. But those kids LOVE their mom in a deep and meaningful way that no amount of money, fun trips, or fun cousins can ever replace. Even a shitty mom has a strong bond with her kids. A good mom like you? You have nothing to worry about. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you , OP.

You are doing right by them.

YOU are their mom.

No sweet talking hussy no matter how many cookies, treats, and toys she bribes them with can change that.

You are in this for the long haul she's only in it until your ex gets bored and replaces her.

I am not OP, but this made me smile haha.

It's true OP, they share with you because they TRUST you. They trust you won't get jealous or made at them because they had fun. That's a wonderful thing and means you are faking it really well. That's just what they need. You are their mom, their mama, their mommy. Nothing will ever replace that. Ever. It might not be the same, but that doesn't mean it's not also awesome. The best way you can love your kids is to encourage them to have a great relationship with their father and step-mother. They might not see it now, but as they get older they will see so clearly how hard that must have been and it will make them love you more. My mother did this for me, and at 35, it's still one of the greatest gifts she's ever given me. She put her own hurt aside so that I could be open and welcoming to the love my father gave me. Because of this I have great relationships with both of my parents as an adult. I didn't really understand how hard this must have been for her until I got married and had my own child. Now I see it and it makes me love her even more.

Thanks for posting this. I was finding this thread super depressing in terms of how many hussy/whore/keep your kids away from their dad posts there were. I think it's wonderful that OP is putting her hurt aside and being the bigger, more mature/adult person, even if she has some totally natural human jealousies. And I think it's great that her kids have a good relationship with their stepmom, even if the relationship between their stepmom and dad did not happen under the most ideal of situations.

[Anonymous]

This is sad. Their father should make sure this dynamic does not occur. Sounds like they are really immature. Your kids will eventually see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Stepmom is a whore. My kid wouldn't be going over there EVER.

Be brave -- tell your kids the truth about their dad, and cut off contact.

No, I'm going to let them find out when they're older. I want them to maintain their relationship with their dad regardless of how I feel about him or her!

You are a good mom. They deserve to have a good relationship with their dad whether or not he deserves it.

Why? He is a lousy man and a shitty dad. He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near his children.

Doesn't sound that way to any of us, pp. This isn't about you and your life. Stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

OP, please don't give up your time with the kids again. Whatever you can provide them is valuable, even if it is less flashy or smaller than what the Dad can provide. Stick to the custody agreement.

I'm a bit disturbed that the bioDad is manipulating you this way to see less of your kids.

I am basically in a similar position as the much less wealthy of the two divorced parents. Also, I have fewer relatives, most of whom are either much older or much younger than my kids. But, it is still very important for me to have time with them and my family. Different isn't worse.

I find some of the other posts about step-families who provide expensive presents, privileges, trips, etc., somewhat disturbing. This is another subtle way of buying the kids affection, which I don't find very healthy.