Long-lasting family conflicts/grudges and how kids have been impacted

[Anonymous]

It has impacted my kids because few family members recognized their high school graduation, sent them a card, etc. I worry that no one will come to their weddings. On some level I also worry about what would happen if DH and I were tragically killed in an accident or something while the kids were still little. Would his family step in?

As someone who grew up without a relaitonship with my parents' families, I can tell you that my siblings and I didn't miss that family at graduations/weddings. We got plenty of cards and recognition. Tickets to high school graduations were really limited and extended family couldn't attend even if we had a relationship. Same thing with weddings. We couldn't invite all the people we wanted and I'm glad we didn't have to invite relatives we barely knew. YOU might feel the absence of that family but your kids won't. I was glad we never had to worry about Uncle Larlo's racist comments or Aunt Larla's drinking.

[Anonymous]

I'll say this. Both of my parents had issues with some of their siblings, where long-term rifts ensued. They basically forced us kids to get along for the sake of family.

One of my siblings had always been pretty awful. Always putting me down, critical, negative, talking down about me to to others. He said it was because he believed I could do better. But that doesn't matter - you don't tell people you love that they're screwups. That other people (other family members) don't care about them. You don't tell them others don't like them. That's a form of abuse. I may not be an astrophysicist, but I'm also not an alcoholic, drug addict, or anything even close. I'm a simple, but decent human being.

I've severed my relationship with this sibling. It's not out of a grudge or past conflict. I simply am a better, happier, stronger, healthier person without them in my life. It's not about the past, but about my own life now, and in the future.

There are sacrifices. I choose to opt out of some occasions that involve them. I will not make others (other family members) bear that burden, but I'll do it myself. I won't trash talk to others about this sibling, but I won't needlessly expose myself to more of their negativity. I won't be a part of their kids' lives, and vice-versa. It's not ideal, but it's what's necessary for me.

My estrangement from this sibling has also given me a lot of forgiveness for my parents, and their sibling issues. I did harbor questions and hurt about not being connected to extended family. But part of growing up, is understanding that your parents aren't superheroes. They make the best decisions they're equipped with. I get their choices. I hope that mine will be understood one day as well.

[Anonymous]

When my mother and her brother were younger kids, her first cousin's father died. This first cousin, a girl my mothers age became very jealous of my mother having her own father. I know it sounds strange but it wasn't just my mother's perception. This cousin, no matter how successful she became later in life, simply hated my mother for no reason. And my mother's father really was very good to this cousin and her other siblings, stepping in as a father figure, giving them time, money, and attention. For years, that side of the family would be very cruel and mean toward my mother, her mother, and me and my sister, just out of spite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, my mother's family falls in this camp: my two aunts won't speak to each other, one of the aunts won't speak with her parents, and my uncle is estranged from everyone (didn't respond to my DD's birth announcement nor wedding invitation, for example). Not to mention a lack of proper family blending when my grandmother married her now-husband - my mother's stepfather from age eight - that impacts the way the three children from that marriage relate to my mother (hint: not in a good way).

It's sad to watch but ultimately understandable. My grandmother and her husband are critical, negative people. As an adult, I keep my distance.

What a strange way to put it. I think it is the exception, not the rule, for stepfamilies to "blend properly."

This was an extreme case. They tried to cut off my mother's biological dad and have her stepdad adopt her to avoid the "shame" of being a blended family. Sent my mom's younger half-siblings to private while mom went to public; helped younger siblings with college, but not mom; used her as a live-in babysitter/housecleaner. Not inviting and including my mom (and me and my brother) in family activities because she's not "their" child. Very dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and his brother don't speak and it's made things extremely awkward between his whole side of the family. From what I can figure out, the brother is really jealous of our careers, house, lifestyle and has invented a reason not to speak to us. We also know about his affair so that might have something to do with it too.

It has impacted my kids because few family members recognized their high school graduation, sent them a card, etc. I worry that no one will come to their weddings. On some level I also worry about what would happen if DH and I were tragically killed in an accident or something while the kids were still little. Would his family step in?

DH worries about what will happen when his parents pass away. He thinks there will probably be a big ugly fight about inheritances, and he's probably right.

My family has longlasting conflicts and to me this kind of idiocy sums them up.

One side believes that they are simply caused by "jealousy" and 'invented reasons." The other side has, of course, presented clear reasons time and again, but they are never acknowledged. It's much easier to pretend someone is just jealous. It protects you from having to face your own role and responsibility. And then to turn around and worry about whether your children will receive adequate high school graduation and wedding presents? OMG. Yes, that is what is important when a family is divided -- lack of cashola for the kids. And of course fear about an inheritance fight is what keeps ME up at night worrying about when my parents pass away...not isolation, relationships gone for good...

This is what is so stunning about family feuds. One side is emotionally tone deaf.

[Anonymous]

There's something sort of like this, though not as severe as most of these posts, on my in-laws' side. My inlaws are wonderful people, genuinely nice and kind and sweet to everyone. For some reason, MIL's brother and his wife and their grown daughter have no interest in communicating or getting together -- ever. They all used to be very close and then about 6 years ago the contact stopped. MIL has no idea why. She has asked them and they just say everything is fine and it's nothing she's done, they're just busy. At first it wasn't as obvious because they lived far away, but now they live within 30 minutes of us. We have seen them exactly once in 6 years -- at our wedding. They never respond to invitations. They rarely answer phone, email, or text from anyone on that side of the family (MIL, FIL, my DH, or my SIL who also lives nearby). MIL's brother grudgingly gets together with her once or twice a year when she comes to visit us (she comes to visit monthly but he is only willing to see her once or twice a year). He has never met or shown any interest in our son, his only nephew.

I don't care particularly since I didn't grow up with them, but DH is hurt because their daughter is his only first cousin, and they used to be very close, and she apparently wants nothing to do with him or anyone else in the family but we don't know why. It's a shame too because her daughter is only a few years older than our son and it would be nice to get them together on occasion. But the kids have never met despite being only 30 minutes apart! After being rejected multiple times, we've stopped trying altogether. MIL is terribly hurt but keeps trying. We've all told her to let it go but she can't. To her family and friends are everything. I admire that attitude but I'm not one to go crawling back if I've been kicked enough times. I may forgive, but I never forget. MIL always forgives and forgets! So instead, we are very close to cousins and nephews/nieces on my side of the family. But I'm always sorry to see how upset MIL gets when she visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and his brother don't speak and it's made things extremely awkward between his whole side of the family. From what I can figure out, the brother is really jealous of our careers, house, lifestyle and has invented a reason not to speak to us. We also know about his affair so that might have something to do with it too.

It has impacted my kids because few family members recognized their high school graduation, sent them a card, etc. I worry that no one will come to their weddings. On some level I also worry about what would happen if DH and I were tragically killed in an accident or something while the kids were still little. Would his family step in?

DH worries about what will happen when his parents pass away. He thinks there will probably be a big ugly fight about inheritances, and he's probably right.

My family has longlasting conflicts and to me this kind of idiocy sums them up.

One side believes that they are simply caused by "jealousy" and 'invented reasons." The other side has, of course, presented clear reasons time and again, but they are never acknowledged. It's much easier to pretend someone is just jealous. It protects you from having to face your own role and responsibility. And then to turn around and worry about whether your children will receive adequate high school graduation and wedding presents? OMG. Yes, that is what is important when a family is divided -- lack of cashola for the kids. And of course fear about an inheritance fight is what keeps ME up at night worrying about when my parents pass away...not isolation, relationships gone for good...

This is what is so stunning about family feuds. One side is emotionally tone deaf.

[phone]

I'm estranged from one of my siblings. They have told me outright that they think it's because I'm "jealous." It's so astonishingly tone deaf, devoid of any acknowledgement of responsibility (even if accidental, not intended that way, etc). Calling someone "jealous" is such a simplistic brush-off, and a form of avoidance in actually wanting to hash things out.

[Anonymous]

This post really hit me. I'm going to have my DH read it.
We get along well with everyone on my side, and see them frequently. We also get along pretty well with most of DH's side (cousins, aunts, uncles). DH has a difficult relationship with his parents, who both have serious health issues, but we try to be cordial anyway, and visit them frequently. We also took them in for 2 years during one inlaw's recovery period. However, DH is more or less estranged from his sister and her spouse. The issue is from resentment on how she has handled her parents' (my inlaws') caregiving, which is to not be overly involved. My husband feels like the majority of the work fell on him/us, and its never been acknowledged. I've tried to tell him that things are never equal in this arena, ever, and that he needs to drop it, but he thinks all the expectations were levied on him because he is the oldest kid, and little sister happily took the lesser-responsible role, despite us asking her to do more. I personally believe he just needs to forgive and forget for the sake of the family, but I can't make him do that....
Anyway, now she has young kids, and we have young kids, and the cousins don't know each other (they've seen each other twice, ever, despite only being 2 hours away). And that makes me really really sad, despite us having other cousins in the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and his brother don't speak and it's made things extremely awkward between his whole side of the family. From what I can figure out, the brother is really jealous of our careers, house, lifestyle and has invented a reason not to speak to us. We also know about his affair so that might have something to do with it too.

It has impacted my kids because few family members recognized their high school graduation, sent them a card, etc. I worry that no one will come to their weddings. On some level I also worry about what would happen if DH and I were tragically killed in an accident or something while the kids were still little. Would his family step in?

DH worries about what will happen when his parents pass away. He thinks there will probably be a big ugly fight about inheritances, and he's probably right.

My family has longlasting conflicts and to me this kind of idiocy sums them up.

One side believes that they are simply caused by "jealousy" and 'invented reasons." The other side has, of course, presented clear reasons time and again, but they are never acknowledged. It's much easier to pretend someone is just jealous. It protects you from having to face your own role and responsibility. And then to turn around and worry about whether your children will receive adequate high school graduation and wedding presents? OMG. Yes, that is what is important when a family is divided -- lack of cashola for the kids. And of course fear about an inheritance fight is what keeps ME up at night worrying about when my parents pass away...not isolation, relationships gone for good...

This is what is so stunning about family feuds. One side is emotionally tone deaf.

OP here. Huh. Years ago, my mother would always throw around the word "jealous" and accuse everyone else of wanting money from a grandparent. Everyone she didn't like on my dad's side and on her own side was always jealous of her. Not surprisingly, she was always see herself as the good guy and her in-laws as the bad guys. To this day, she has extreme anxiety and NPD. But everyone except her needs psychotherapy. She's just a victim.

As I kid, I always felt that my relatives were bad people but now, as an adult, I see how both sides are at fault. Yes, I agree there are people in our families who are bats$it and you need to move away from them as far as possible. Even animals know to move away from dangerous areas. Still, it is telling to see things through adult eyes many years later.

[Anonymous]

Most people who write off complex human emotions to things like "jealousy" are very primitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people who write off complex human emotions to things like "jealousy" are very primitive.

Whenever I hear someone say something like "oh, SIL is just jealous of our family/car/house/etc" I immediately believe that person must have said/done something really, truly awful. It's such an absurd, and highly simplistic excuse.