Long-lasting family conflicts/grudges and how kids have been impacted

[Anonymous]

I'm sad to say my family (on both sides) is one of those families that has several members who have stopped talking to each other for reasons ranging from someone accusing someone else of wanting grandpa's money to one sister-in-law feeling insulted over remarks made about her damn pumpkin pie or whatever it was that upset her 25 years ago. Looking back, none of these fights, that have resulted in people not talking for years, were really not caused by anything significant-- no one stole from anyone, no one was abused, no one cost someone a job or destroyed property... In hindsight it was all just a bunch of adults who didn't know how to take the high road and stop acting like six year olds. Years later, as cliche as it sounds, it really was the children who paid. I have several cousins I haven't spoken to or seen in more than 15 years because everyone's mom or dad is a boogeyman who upset their own mom or dad. The grandparents were too weak as people and got involved, taking sides instead of stepping in, blowing a whistle and saying knock it off, you're all ridiculous.

Anyone else have such a situation in their family? How has it impacted you and your kids? Do you wish people had grown up or are you all really better off twenty years later? For me, it's a real shame. Us kids all lost out because the adults were all worried about their own pride. I feel bad for my own parents who don't have much family around as a result of this behavior, but in a way I also blame them too for not being stronger people. I blame all of them for not sticking by the old rule they taught us kids: If you can't say something nice, don't say it. I feel like a lot of people weren't honest about their own behavior and rather than own it, punished everyone else.

I recently asked my mother what exactly happened with one particular relative and it was as if she couldn't even really articulate what happened other than accusing the relative of being a manipulator. Did the relative actually confront her, say something horrible to her face, do something to her personally? Well, not really. It all amounted to a lot of my mother felt this way or that and knew this relative said something nasty (but no real proof, just all feeling).

[Anonymous]

It is sad. My husband's family is exactly like this. His parents divorced when he was in grad school and as a result, his sister is now estranged from the family (DH has not seen or spoken to her in 10 years), his father remarried and now has a whole new family (and DH's father has never met our kids or shown any interest in meeting them), and his brother is estranged from the father and hasn't seen/spoken to him in 20 years. The whole thing is really sad. Yes, the kids (my husband, his brother and his sister) are negatively affected but also our kids, who will never know their aunt/uncle or grandfather. I had never heard of a family as dysfunctional as my husband's but now I'm used to their grudges and weird family dynamics. The only family members of his that we have any relationship with are his mother and his brother (who we see once every other year). All of them live far away, so at least we don't have to deal with their dysfunction on a daily basis. But we don't spend holidays with them and it's really sad that DH's father doesn't have any interest in ever meeting his grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this unkindly but I don't understand why your kids would be negatively impacted by not having a relationship with such people. I think you have an overly rosy view of this kind of family. We're much better off without mine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should clarify this a bit better. At this point, my own kids are extremely removed from the situation I grew up with. Half the culprits are dead. They are too small and for them, it's irrelevant. I myself have great in-laws, and if anything they have taught me what it means to keep the peace and maintain respect even if you don't exactly love everyone. And really, you don't have to love everyone. For my own family years later, we are now starting from scratch.

I guess my post was probably just more me reflecting on the fallout of years of bad behavior. I mean, most of us would be spending holidays all alone with our spouses or just our parents if we didn't learn to pick our fights better and talk out issues. I harbor no ill will against my lost cousins. It's just a shame.

[Anonymous]

My brother is on his way out from the family. He's in an abusive relationship, and he had mental health issues, and he just can't function within our family any more (his choice). So even though the circumstances are a little different, we all still attempt to keep contact with his kids (through his ex-wife). They can rarely come to holiday events when the rest of the extended family are there, and that's sad, because these kids in particular really enjoy getting together with extended family. So I feel badly about that. Once they are grown (5-8 years), we will be able to get together again for family events on a more regular basis, but until then we just try to keep contact however we can.

[Anonymous]

In a nutshell?
It's awful.
My sister is estranged from our father, my children are the same age as hers (under 6) and she has chosen to tell them all about how awful he is.
My children enjoy a wonderful relationship with him, as do I.
So that's going to be a lot of fun managing this as they get older.
We already have the wonder of listening to her bash him at family events like baby showers and engagement parties he doesn't attend that she does, and having to avoid talking about even mundane things we do together, such as a response to "so what are you up to today?".
And separate holidays.
Can you tell I'm bitter?

[Anonymous]

Not at all. My uncle absented himself from his father and siblings, one of whom is my parent. I grew up seeing him regularly and then somewhere in late elementary school he was gone. Did not have any impact on me or my sister at all. I am not even sure my own child knows he exists. Now, his estrangement has certainly impacted my parent and my uncle's children, but no one else.

[Anonymous]

I guess my post was probably just more me reflecting on the fallout of years of bad behavior. I mean, most of us would be spending holidays all alone with our spouses or just our parents if we didn't learn to pick our fights better and talk out issues. I harbor no ill will against my lost cousins. It's just a shame

You say that as if it's a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

I always shook my head at those families but now I'm part of it. My sister in law just hates me, for reasons that I've never been able to figure out. We've dutifully done holidays at her house (which she insists on) and it's always basically ruined my holiday trying to force a friendly face to respond to her passive aggressive snarky comments and eye rolls. Last year, she sent me a really nasty email after the holiday and then didn't respond to my email defending myself and apologizing for the perceived misdeed. So I'm done. It is sad because our kids really like each other, but I just can't spoil my holiday every year and she's not willing to get together otherwise. So, yeah, it's sad, but now I Understand why sometimes bridges are just burned, and I'll see the rest of the family when she's not around.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm not buying your description of the slights that have led to your extended family problems. I would be willing to bet that what you call people over reacting may have been people removing themselves from abusive relationships.

Your characterization that it was all about a bunch of adults unwilling to take the high road is probably minimizing what has actually gone on. In dysfunctional groups, there are always people who deny the dysfunction and attack when scapegoats or abused members take a stand or try to leave the group.

18:52, you could be my sil. Her version of our difficulties would sound like your story. Of course she would never mention her spoken belief that she is always right and is entitled in all things. She sent me a hate filled email after I sent her one saying we would probably be 15 minutes late for Tday. They live 2 hours away. Her dysfunction is that she is always right and that things HAVE to be her way. When we host, she and my brother show up to my house whenever they want. They think it is funny. This was the final straw that was minor compared to the truly sick underlying stuff going on.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, my mother's family falls in this camp: my two aunts won't speak to each other, one of the aunts won't speak with her parents, and my uncle is estranged from everyone (didn't respond to my DD's birth announcement nor wedding invitation, for example). Not to mention a lack of proper family blending when my grandmother married her now-husband - my mother's stepfather from age eight - that impacts the way the three children from that marriage relate to my mother (hint: not in a good way).

It's sad to watch but ultimately understandable. My grandmother and her husband are critical, negative people. As an adult, I keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm not buying your description of the slights that have led to your extended family problems. I would be willing to bet that what you call people over reacting may have been people removing themselves from abusive relationships.

Your characterization that it was all about a bunch of adults unwilling to take the high road is probably minimizing what has actually gone on. In dysfunctional groups, there are always people who deny the dysfunction and attack when scapegoats or abused members take a stand or try to leave the group.

18:52, you could be my sil. Her version of our difficulties would sound like your story. Of course she would never mention her spoken belief that she is always right and is entitled in all things. She sent me a hate filled email after I sent her one saying we would probably be 15 minutes late for Tday. They live 2 hours away. Her dysfunction is that she is always right and that things HAVE to be her way. When we host, she and my brother show up to my house whenever they want. They think it is funny. This was the final straw that was minor compared to the truly sick underlying stuff going on.

You are projecting and it putting your perception of your family onto op and hers.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all of the responses. But my experience has been that it is actually sometimes better to just cut ties -- even if it seems petty.

I have some relatives who have nonstop, constant petty drama. My parents never cut ties with them, and I've seen it actually take a toll on my parents' marriage because the relatives were always trying to drive a wedge between my parents over the most ridiculous nonsense.

My parents would have been better off just cutting those relatives off. As an adult, I have pretty much distanced myself from them, and every time I talk to my mother and hear of the constant nonsense, I am glad I have one so.

The reality is that it isn't about the specific disagreement. It is about the personalities involved and whether they're emotionally draining people.

Most of the seemingly small things that triggered rifts weren't the only things -- they were usually part of a long neverending series of small irritating dramatic episodes.

I'd actually like to sort of distance myself from some of my inlaws who are petty and gossipy. Up until this year, my husband has insisted on keeping up relations. But I think he's starting to see how all of the small stuff becomes death by a thousand paper cuts. I dread holidays because whenever I go to a holiday inlaw event, one inlaw says some nasty stuff about another one. It's negative and un-fun. And of course, I am sure if they are talking about each other to me, they are likely talking about me to each other. I just feel like I'm getting to old for this junior high nonsense, and at some point, we'll just stop going to the family events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, my mother's family falls in this camp: my two aunts won't speak to each other, one of the aunts won't speak with her parents, and my uncle is estranged from everyone (didn't respond to my DD's birth announcement nor wedding invitation, for example). Not to mention a lack of proper family blending when my grandmother married her now-husband - my mother's stepfather from age eight - that impacts the way the three children from that marriage relate to my mother (hint: not in a good way).

It's sad to watch but ultimately understandable. My grandmother and her husband are critical, negative people. As an adult, I keep my distance.

What a strange way to put it. I think it is the exception, not the rule, for stepfamilies to "blend properly."

[Anonymous]

My husband and his brother don't speak and it's made things extremely awkward between his whole side of the family. From what I can figure out, the brother is really jealous of our careers, house, lifestyle and has invented a reason not to speak to us. We also know about his affair so that might have something to do with it too.

It has impacted my kids because few family members recognized their high school graduation, sent them a card, etc. I worry that no one will come to their weddings. On some level I also worry about what would happen if DH and I were tragically killed in an accident or something while the kids were still little. Would his family step in?

DH worries about what will happen when his parents pass away. He thinks there will probably be a big ugly fight about inheritances, and he's probably right.