Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you mentioned something critical but in passing -- your DH has ADD although referred to today as ADHD. All his behaviors are characteristic of people with ADHD. Is he taking medication for his ADHD? That can greatly increase his ability to concentrate and stay on task. Why don't you consider helping him get treated for the ADHD before you consider a separation or divorce. He is not going to improve until he gets some help. He can't help being the way he is and expecting more is unfair to him unless you become part of the solution.

He was on medication for his ADHD, and he literally was way worse. He put all of his energy into work, and would literally not come home til later 8 or 9 pm, could never tell me when to expect him, and when he came home was all strung out and crashing after working like a maniac on speed. It was horrible. He would stare at a wall blankly and never could even maintain a conversation.

I supported him through this period on the promise he would also attempt behavior therapy and try to learn to be more functional, rather than just focusing on work. He came out and told me he felt he should be able to focus entirely on his career.

Now he has stopped medication without advice from his doctor and I am back to having to do everything myself. For a year we had major housekeeping to help, but now we cannot afford that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things, OP. One is that people are different, and not everyone is a multitasker. You say above that if he stays with the children he makes literally no contribution to the household, like a meal cooked or a house project finished. Well, I am like that. If I am watching kids, I am probably not going to get anything else done - my brain just can't manage all that happening at once. That just may be the way your DH's brain works.

Second, when you describe your morning that was so frustrating, while your DH was feeding the kids eggs and toast, you were upstairs cleaning?!? Cleaning is what needs to be done when you all are in a rush? That sounds crazy to me. As you say, you get depressed when your standards are not met, so maybe it's depressing to you to leave a house when bedrooms aren't tidy or whatever. But that doesn't mean that your DH's approach is WRONG. I'd certainly prioritize a breakfast of eggs and a messy house over a breakfast of granola bars and a tidy house. You make it seem like there's one right way of doing things, and his is wrong.

I'd suggest the book, "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" and maybe working with a couple's counselor who is very familiar with ADD and can actually coach you guys.

No, I wasn't cleaning, I was getting ready, which I normally do in a horribly haphazard fashion, makeup in the car, no hairbrushing, etc. While I was getting ready, yes, I did about three minutes of tidying to make the bed, put away his clothes, pick up his socks, put my pajamas away, wipe down the sink and put the toothbrushes back. What I would consider a basic adult routine.

I understand that not everyone can multitask, but I don't think that gives him a free pass to contribute nothing. I feel it is his duty to figure out what his best contribution can be and do that. I feel the way he treats our children is not only harmful to them personally, but very passive aggressive towards me and harmful to our marriage.

OP, your feelings are completely understandable. It is really frustrating to have to make "chore charts" for my DH as well as for my 4-year-old. It shouldn't be my responsibility to mold and coach him into a minimally functional adult. But I chose to marry him so I'm doing it. It does feel disrespectful, it's unfair to your children, and most other adults would be able to do much better. But this is textbook ADHD marriage stuff. Just give one of the books a try, it may help to feel you are not alone in this. Then look for a marriage counselor who has experience with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. I have a very similar situation. My approach is to outsource as much as possible and have him do the things he can actually handle that are not time sensitive. Eg he does a ton of childcare on the weekends. He can do some childcare in the evenings but only when I make him do pickup otherwise he just wouldn't come home before bedtime. Basically you have to pick the things you know he will actually do and not screw up. Sorry, I know what it is like!

I am sure this varies person to person, but can you give me some examples of what he does? When he stays with the children and I say, go on a run, the entire house gets trashed top to bottom, things get ruined (marker all over a shirt of mine or couch or something) and there is literally no contribution to the household, like a meal cooked for later or an errand run, a house project finished, just a major deficit. We were outsourcing a ton for the past year, but the truth is we really cannot afford that. We had a short term cushion where we could throw money at the problem, and we did. It was fairly effective, but it was nothing other than a bandaid, and now that is gone. Back to square one, and I am hating life.

Not PP, but my DH's job is to clean up the kitchen while I put the kids to bed. It works because he is distraction-free, and he has a discrete list of tasks that we agreed on in advance. Put food away. Load and start dishwasher. Wash all other dishes. Wipe countertops and stove. Clear and wipe table. Take out trash if more than half full. Sweep floor. And he has a deadline-- 8:30 PM. I know this makes me sound like kind of a jerk, but it has worked really well-- other than when he is truly ill or not physically present, he has done it every night for about 5 years. I praise him to our friends and to his parents.


We tried this, but he inevitably gets about 5 minutes in and then starts surfing. I give the kids a bath and then put the kids to bed and then come down to find everything more or less how we left it at the end of the meal, him staring into his laptop. So for a while we switched, and he started putting the kids to bed, but the bedtime routine, which should be over by 8 regularly takes until 9 or 9:30 and means we have no time to go over any household management stuff, bills, upcoming events, work schedules, (for example two days later I will find out at lunchtimne or after work that he has some event and won't be back til 11 pm.)
Of course, it only works because he actually wants to pull his weight. It won't work if your DH is lazy, sexist, and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. I have a very similar situation. My approach is to outsource as much as possible and have him do the things he can actually handle that are not time sensitive. Eg he does a ton of childcare on the weekends. He can do some childcare in the evenings but only when I make him do pickup otherwise he just wouldn't come home before bedtime. Basically you have to pick the things you know he will actually do and not screw up. Sorry, I know what it is like!

I am sure this varies person to person, but can you give me some examples of what he does? When he stays with the children and I say, go on a run, the entire house gets trashed top to bottom, things get ruined (marker all over a shirt of mine or couch or something) and there is literally no contribution to the household, like a meal cooked for later or an errand run, a house project finished, just a major deficit. We were outsourcing a ton for the past year, but the truth is we really cannot afford that. We had a short term cushion where we could throw money at the problem, and we did. It was fairly effective, but it was nothing other than a bandaid, and now that is gone. Back to square one, and I am hating life.

Not PP, but my DH's job is to clean up the kitchen while I put the kids to bed. It works because he is distraction-free, and he has a discrete list of tasks that we agreed on in advance. Put food away. Load and start dishwasher. Wash all other dishes. Wipe countertops and stove. Clear and wipe table. Take out trash if more than half full. Sweep floor. And he has a deadline-- 8:30 PM. I know this makes me sound like kind of a jerk, but it has worked really well-- other than when he is truly ill or not physically present, he has done it every night for about 5 years. I praise him to our friends and to his parents.

Of course, it only works because he actually wants to pull his weight. It won't work if your DH is lazy, sexist, and selfish.

We tried this, but he inevitably gets about 5 minutes in and then starts surfing. I give the kids a bath and then put the kids to bed and then come down to find everything more or less how we left it at the end of the meal, him staring into his laptop. So for a while we switched, and he started putting the kids to bed, but the bedtime routine, which should be over by 8 regularly takes until 9 or 9:30 and means we have no time to go over any household management stuff, bills, upcoming events, work schedules, (for example two days later I will find out at lunchtimne or after work that he has some event and won't be back til 11 pm.)

Sorry, that didn't post correctly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things, OP. One is that people are different, and not everyone is a multitasker. You say above that if he stays with the children he makes literally no contribution to the household, like a meal cooked or a house project finished. Well, I am like that. If I am watching kids, I am probably not going to get anything else done - my brain just can't manage all that happening at once. That just may be the way your DH's brain works.

Second, when you describe your morning that was so frustrating, while your DH was feeding the kids eggs and toast, you were upstairs cleaning?!? Cleaning is what needs to be done when you all are in a rush? That sounds crazy to me. As you say, you get depressed when your standards are not met, so maybe it's depressing to you to leave a house when bedrooms aren't tidy or whatever. But that doesn't mean that your DH's approach is WRONG. I'd certainly prioritize a breakfast of eggs and a messy house over a breakfast of granola bars and a tidy house. You make it seem like there's one right way of doing things, and his is wrong.

I'd suggest the book, "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" and maybe working with a couple's counselor who is very familiar with ADD and can actually coach you guys.

No, I wasn't cleaning, I was getting ready, which I normally do in a horribly haphazard fashion, makeup in the car, no hairbrushing, etc. While I was getting ready, yes, I did about three minutes of tidying to make the bed, put away his clothes, pick up his socks, put my pajamas away, wipe down the sink and put the toothbrushes back. What I would consider a basic adult routine.

I understand that not everyone can multitask, but I don't think that gives him a free pass to contribute nothing. I feel it is his duty to figure out what his best contribution can be and do that. I feel the way he treats our children is not only harmful to them personally, but very passive aggressive towards me and harmful to our marriage.

OP, your feelings are completely understandable. It is really frustrating to have to make "chore charts" for my DH as well as for my 4-year-old. It shouldn't be my responsibility to mold and coach him into a minimally functional adult. But I chose to marry him so I'm doing it. It does feel disrespectful, it's unfair to your children, and most other adults would be able to do much better. But this is textbook ADHD marriage stuff. Just give one of the books a try, it may help to feel you are not alone in this. Then look for a marriage counselor who has experience with ADHD.

Thanks, this is something I've toyed with. He gets pissed to be treated as though he is defined by this diagnosis, but hasn't managed to suggest anything better or contribute in the mean time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs treatment for the ADHD. If he won't address that, I don't see how else you can cope without just doing everything.

Has he tried anything? Put it on the line that you can't deal, that you need him to be functional, and that he needs to get help--therapy, coaching, drugs--so you can get your household functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, it seems you married a man who was never ever meant to be a father. In our society, there is too much pressure on people to have children and many who should not do. I think you need either to accept him as he is or divorce.

What attracted you to him in the first place? Are there things you love about him? Either focus on that or get out. He will not change if he doesn't want to, and it doesn't seem that he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

Yeah, focus on getting him help. That's the source of these issues.

And honestly, I would be contemplating separation too were I in your shoes. Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

Smart. Try that and one of those books, and give yourself a deadline.

It seems like your DH is really resistant to help, and I do think in the end that is the deal-breaker. You sound like you would be happier without him, frankly, and you might also visit a divorce lawyer to ground truth that assessment. Would you be looking at 50-50 custody, for instance? What would the financials look like?

Explore all options so at the end of the day you know what you're choosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Post a list in the kitchen. Get a whiteboard. Have him take complete control of one household chore and either routinize it (sweep on Thursday evenings.), or have it be his ongoing thing (every dish in the sink, he rinses and puts in the dishwasher--everyday, all the time.)

Get your list out of your head. It's not real to him. His eyes are different. Where you see an opportunity to gather all of the scattered laundry into the washing machine, he sees as a chance to make eggs for the kids (or not).

It's not a moral failing or stupidity. Think of it as cross-cultural. He operates from a difference place.

This. I've been with my husband for nearly a decade, and he didn't really 'get' household chores until we did this. Now, I literally pick 3-4 chores that go into a daily chart. This way, DH can visualize what needs to be done, and we aren't regularly overwhelmed by everything that needs doing.

I saw in another comment, OP, that you were frustrated by how long it takes your husband to complete tasks. This, unfortunately, is going to be the case. It still takes my husband 2-3 time as long to do some things as it would take me. But, I've learned to step away from those things instead of hovering and wishing that he would do stuff the way I do it. The important thing is that he's taking something off your plate. Don't micro-manage him, even if his style is vastly different from yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.