Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Post a list in the kitchen. Get a whiteboard. Have him take complete control of one household chore and either routinize it (sweep on Thursday evenings.), or have it be his ongoing thing (every dish in the sink, he rinses and puts in the dishwasher--everyday, all the time.)

Get your list out of your head. It's not real to him. His eyes are different. Where you see an opportunity to gather all of the scattered laundry into the washing machine, he sees as a chance to make eggs for the kids (or not).

It's not a moral failing or stupidity. Think of it as cross-cultural. He operates from a difference place.

This. I've been with my husband for nearly a decade, and he didn't really 'get' household chores until we did this. Now, I literally pick 3-4 chores that go into a daily chart. This way, DH can visualize what needs to be done, and we aren't regularly overwhelmed by everything that needs doing.

I saw in another comment, OP, that you were frustrated by how long it takes your husband to complete tasks. This, unfortunately, is going to be the case. It still takes my husband 2-3 time as long to do some things as it would take me. But, I've learned to step away from those things instead of hovering and wishing that he would do stuff the way I do it. The important thing is that he's taking something off your plate. Don't micro-manage him, even if his style is vastly different from yours.

My husband takes 3x as long and then points out how much cleaner it is...makes me laugh, and want to kill him.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the poster who says that being on a laptop around kids is not a symptom of ADHD. It's actually typical ADHD type behavior -- he's seeking stimulation, and may actually be hyperfocused, on his computer. Lots of things on a laptop can cause a dopamine rush -- even getting a reply to a comment on DCUM. So for a brain seeking stimulation and reward, a laptop or other device can be addictive. Sadly, we don't always get a dopamine from watching our kids around bedtime. I wish that would trigger my brain's pleasure centers more than it does!

OP, I have a few thoughts and "prescriptions" for you and your marriage. One is the book I mentioned earlier - "Is it you, me, or adult ADD". That's for you, and for your DH if he's willing to read it (it sounds like not).

The ADHD meds he was on were not a good fit for him, but there are LOTS of meds to try that might be better. If he'd let you go to an appointment, or have input in an appointment, you could describe the symptoms you experienced. It sounds like he really needs treatment but he hasn't yet found the right one.

John Gottman's book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" is really helpful. You might take a basic survey in that book and show your answers to your husband and let him know you really think your relationship is in deep crisis, and you want to try to rescue it. The book has lots of great ideas about how you can build and strengthen your friendship. But he needs to see that you are in a crisis. Here's a quick test here:

http://www.bestcouplestherapy.com/RelationshipTest.en.html

It's really, really hard to be in a relationship with a person with untreated ADHD. I'd hate to see you give up on the relationship when he might dramatically improve...if he's willing to try. I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure she is close enough to you, OP, but Ingrid Melenbacker in Springfield has a lot of expertise in ADD/ADHD issues and is also Gottman certified. She wasn't a good fit for me and my DH but I think she is really, really well informed about how ADD can impact a marriage and has lots of great resources for ADD couples:

http://www.masterfulcouples.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just get over wanting shit? You'll both be happier.

Thanks sunshine.

If by "wanting shit" you mean wanting a functional marriage, I guess I am nearly over that... the point of the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure she is close enough to you, OP, but Ingrid Melenbacker in Springfield has a lot of expertise in ADD/ADHD issues and is also Gottman certified. She wasn't a good fit for me and my DH but I think she is really, really well informed about how ADD can impact a marriage and has lots of great resources for ADD couples:

http://www.masterfulcouples.com/

thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, another thread here by a woman who feels like domestic help.

My husband was raised in a 1950's household, where the mom literally does everything, (but has pretty low standards) and so my husband kind of comes home as though that alone is his contribution. He consistently overschedules himself and is also spacey - high ADD. Forgets about basic things like what time we have to leave the house in the morning, what time the children need to go to bed, etc. Between those two traits / tendencies, there are perpetual reasons why he's never around / available / participating, or when he is participating, he is in a fog, and not actually helping. For example, he made a huge deal about "helping" this morning by feeding the children an eggs and toast breakfast when we didnt have time, instead of helping put shoes on and get out the door, eat granola bars in the car. I was harriedly trying to get ready for the day myself, for 15 minutes, while cleaning our upstairs, while this happened. We were 20 minutes late, when I came downstairs, there were still 20 things to do before getting out of the door.

I do 90% of everything, he might putter here and there, but the majority of what he does beyond that is because I am demanding it of him. I'm tired of being a nag and a bi*&@#. We are not a team, and we don't seem to be on the same page at all. Its been seven years, and I can't deal anymore.

I have higher standards and as such, have been pretty screwed by both of our expectations. Dropping those standards just makes me feel really depressed. I also have a higher sex drive, more motivation overall, more social, more engaged with life, etc.

Are there any resources out there for creating a more harmonious household in this type of scenario?

Thinking of initiating a separation because life is just too damn short.

I'm another poster who has been there, OP. Agree with other posters that you need to urge your DH to get back on meds, including trying out different doses and new meds. The fact that on one med he was working like a crazy person until 8pm before crashing suggests to me that he wasn't on the right dose or even the right med.

I'll focus instead on the motivation and low standards part. Lack of motivation and low standards are definitely part DH's ADHD package. I have multiple theories about why, ranging from depression to defensiveness to passive aggression. In fact, I think all of these things have been operative at different times. Depression often comes along with ADHD (because low serotonin is common to both? I'm not an expert). He's actually admitted to the passive aggressive part (on a few occasions he's said "I didn't try because I knew I couldn't meet your standards"). I also wonder whether DH's very sweet mom, who also has ADHD (it often runs in families), lacked the parenting skills and general stick-with-it-ness to instill standards or a work ethic in any of her kids (even the sibling without obvious ADHD is sort of a slacker and mooch). Anyway, DH knows he's in a fog relative to most people in his life, and he's not happy about it, so he acts out in different ways depending on the context. This seems distinct from the question of whether, given the ADHD, he's even capable of certain tasks.

I had no clue about the ADHD when I married him. However, I decided very early on that if I cared about something (like having a neat house), then it's my problem and I should take care of it. Once we figured out the ADHD (including in his siblings), I figured that DH wasn't really to blame here, because his ADHD means he can't do things to my standards (and assuming good will on his part). Except that backfired too. He complains that I'm always cleaning up behind him. Even when I stifle my hatred for the bugs (lots of bugs!) his kitchen messiness attracts, and wait until he's out of the room, or until the next day, to clean the kitchen.

I have no great advice, only sympathy. I guess my best advice would be to find a therapist who is skilled in ADHD, and let them him or her give you advice -- so far that's eluded us.

[Anonymous]

You can always withhold sex if he doesn't change, however even I have to admit that is a pretty unhealthy way to deal with this.

When things are calm and you and your spouse have some quiet time together, talk to him about this issue gently. Not in an accusatory manner, but a loving one.

Stress to him how much you love him and don't want to lose him, but that he needs to pull some more weight at home or you are considering a separation.

Tell him you have been unhappy of his lack of contributions to the home and it is really making life with him unbearable.

If that doesn't get him to change, I think you are out of options.