Reply to Effective strategies for getting DH to pull his weight

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A few things, OP.  One is that people are different, and not everyone is a multitasker.  You say above that if he stays with the children he makes literally no contribution to the household, like a meal cooked or a house project finished.  Well, I am like that.  If I am watching kids, I am probably not going to get anything else done - my brain just can't manage all that happening at once.  That just may be the way your DH's brain works.

Second, when you describe your morning that was so frustrating, while your DH was feeding the kids eggs and toast, you were upstairs cleaning?!?  Cleaning is what needs to be done when you all are in a rush?  That sounds crazy to me.  As you say, you get depressed when your standards are not met, so maybe it's depressing to you to leave a house when bedrooms aren't tidy or whatever.  But that doesn't mean that your DH's approach is WRONG.  I'd certainly prioritize a breakfast of eggs and a messy house over a breakfast of granola bars and a tidy house.  You make it seem like there's one right way of doing things, and his is wrong.

I'd suggest the book, "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" and maybe working with a couple's counselor who is very familiar with ADD and can actually coach you guys.[/quote]

No, I wasn't cleaning, I was getting ready, which I normally do in a horribly haphazard fashion, makeup in the car, no hairbrushing, etc. While I was getting ready, yes, I did about three minutes of tidying to make the bed, put away his clothes, pick up his socks, put my pajamas away, wipe down the sink and put the toothbrushes back. What I would consider a basic adult routine.

I understand that not everyone can multitask, but I don't think that gives him a free pass to contribute nothing. I feel it is his duty to figure out what his best contribution can be and do that.  I feel the way he treats our children is not only harmful to them personally, but very passive aggressive towards me and harmful to our marriage. [/quote]

OP, your feelings are completely understandable.  It is really frustrating to have to make "chore charts" for my DH as well as for my 4-year-old.  It shouldn't be my responsibility to mold and coach him into a minimally functional adult.  But I chose to marry him so I'm doing it.  It does feel disrespectful, it's unfair to your children, and most other adults would be able to do much better.  But this is textbook ADHD marriage stuff.  Just give one of the books a try, it may help to feel you are not alone in this.  Then look for a marriage counselor who has experience with ADHD.[/quote]

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