My friend keeps scolding my children

[Anonymous]

OP what is your definition of 'scold?'

By your own admission you have a kid who gets heaps of options to eat and doesn't bother, and runs around instead (probably making a mess) and you don't like consequences and boundaries and you think instruction is some form of punishment and think that another person who is trying to teach their child how to behave is objectively wrong.

If I was your friend I wouldn't scold your child, I'd cut the ill-disciplined, ill-mannered, petulant little critter out of my life. Do you actually understand that not everyone thinks that kids should do exactly what they want, to whom they want, when they want?

My view is that if other people have to intervene with my children then there is something seriously wrong. With my children and not with them.

Your friend should not scold she should not invite you back. Because your parenting leaves a lot to be desired...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's your friend... talk to her about it. Just say we don't make DC finish his food, we only make sure he takes a few bites. For the yelling if it gets on her nerves then yeah she can say something regardless of what your DC rules are. If you are in her house it's her house rules, minus the food thing. If they are at your house it's your house rules. Or go somewhere neutral.

I have a friend who yells at you if you take a glass of water and don't finish it, the same with food. Now when we go there I really watch what I put on my plate or cup.

OP here. We have 2 other friends who insist that their children finish the food on their plates. They don't let their kids get up until they are finished. Those friends don't say anything to my kids but my kids will often eat only half their food and get up to play. They make me feel like my kids have poor manners.

My children are ages 4 and 6. They go through phases of eating poorly and well. I try not to stress about it too much. They eat when they are hungry and I limit unhealthy snacks.

Your kids do have poor manners. I, like you, don't insist that my kids finish their food. However, when they are on a play date, have a friend over, or we have guests that include other children, my kids do not get up to go play while another kid is still eating. Especially when the other parent is trying to get their kid to finish. That IS poor manners. I will tell my kids "you can be 'done' but you may not be excused until Larla is finished (or until Larla's mom says she is)." That's pretty bad to hve your kids off and running to play after a few bites while Larla is stuck at the table, regardless of whether you agree with the mom force feeding her kid or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:22:01 here. You need a like-minded circle of friends, OP.

I tend to be on the harsh side. I forced DS to finish his plate as a toddler because he had failure to thrive and was seeing oral-motor therapists - ie, there was an excellent reason to insist on feeding him. But I would NEVER discipline someone else's child.

The simple truth is that you're never going to be comfortable with these people (who may be of the same background and culture?) if their parenting is so different from yours. Seriously, take the time to choose new friends.

OP here. Prior to having children, I was very aggressive and ambitious. My friends from prior to having children have similar personalities. They are perfectionists and want their children to be well behaved and perfect. By doing this, I don't think the parents and children seem very happy.

I am now a SAHM. I used to stress about my children's eating. I pick my battles with my children. They eat lots of fruit and veggies. They also eat ice cream almost every night after dinner. They cannot eat ice cream until they eat a decent amount of dinner. Our house is always kind of messy except for the few hours after the cleaning lady finishes cleaning. We are ok with this. I spend a lot of time reading and trying to enrich my kids. Often that includes messes that we don't always clean up right away.

PP you're responding to.

People on this board complain all the time about how hard it is to make friends. Knowing it might take time, just go out there and do it anyway! I moved here from abroad and took many years to find a small circle of excellent friends. Our only thing in common is our parenting and general philosophy of life - not nationality, age or occupation. That way there is perfect frankness when we talk about parenting strategies and education, etc. I feel I can ask for advice and get something that will truly match what I want for my children. And vice-versa. The rest of the conversation is fascinating, since we can relate our different experiences of life.

On a side note, you seem insecure. There is no need to justify your lifestyle. You only have one life to live, so do what you think is best.

OP here. I do not think I am insecure. I feel like a fish out of water. I am new to being a SAHM and can't seem to find my place. I may be holding on to old friendships. I thought we could continue being friends even if our parenting styles were different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what is your definition of 'scold?'

By your own admission you have a kid who gets heaps of options to eat and doesn't bother, and runs around instead (probably making a mess) and you don't like consequences and boundaries and you think instruction is some form of punishment and think that another person who is trying to teach their child how to behave is objectively wrong.

If I was your friend I wouldn't scold your child, I'd cut the ill-disciplined, ill-mannered, petulant little critter out of my life. Do you actually understand that not everyone thinks that kids should do exactly what they want, to whom they want, when they want?

My view is that if other people have to intervene with my children then there is something seriously wrong. With my children and not with them.

Your friend should not scold she should not invite you back. Because your parenting leaves a lot to be desired...

This was at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:22:01 here. You need a like-minded circle of friends, OP.

I tend to be on the harsh side. I forced DS to finish his plate as a toddler because he had failure to thrive and was seeing oral-motor therapists - ie, there was an excellent reason to insist on feeding him. But I would NEVER discipline someone else's child.

The simple truth is that you're never going to be comfortable with these people (who may be of the same background and culture?) if their parenting is so different from yours. Seriously, take the time to choose new friends.

OP here. Prior to having children, I was very aggressive and ambitious. My friends from prior to having children have similar personalities. They are perfectionists and want their children to be well behaved and perfect. By doing this, I don't think the parents and children seem very happy.

I am now a SAHM. I used to stress about my children's eating. I pick my battles with my children. They eat lots of fruit and veggies. They also eat ice cream almost every night after dinner. They cannot eat ice cream until they eat a decent amount of dinner. Our house is always kind of messy except for the few hours after the cleaning lady finishes cleaning. We are ok with this. I spend a lot of time reading and trying to enrich my kids. Often that includes messes that we don't always clean up right away.

PP you're responding to.

People on this board complain all the time about how hard it is to make friends. Knowing it might take time, just go out there and do it anyway! I moved here from abroad and took many years to find a small circle of excellent friends. Our only thing in common is our parenting and general philosophy of life - not nationality, age or occupation. That way there is perfect frankness when we talk about parenting strategies and education, etc. I feel I can ask for advice and get something that will truly match what I want for my children. And vice-versa. The rest of the conversation is fascinating, since we can relate our different experiences of life.

On a side note, you seem insecure. There is no need to justify your lifestyle. You only have one life to live, so do what you think is best.

OP here. I do not think I am insecure. I feel like a fish out of water. I am new to being a SAHM and can't seem to find my place. I may be holding on to old friendships. I thought we could continue being friends even if our parenting styles were different.

I know, I know - after a while, I dropped my old friends who had vastly different parenting styles. We were never going to see eye to eye. You need to act, OP. Either change the way you parent, or change your friends.
(I would change the way you parent, but again, you have to choose how you want to live).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's your friend... talk to her about it. Just say we don't make DC finish his food, we only make sure he takes a few bites. For the yelling if it gets on her nerves then yeah she can say something regardless of what your DC rules are. If you are in her house it's her house rules, minus the food thing. If they are at your house it's your house rules. Or go somewhere neutral.

I have a friend who yells at you if you take a glass of water and don't finish it, the same with food. Now when we go there I really watch what I put on my plate or cup.

OP here. We have 2 other friends who insist that their children finish the food on their plates. They don't let their kids get up until they are finished. Those friends don't say anything to my kids but my kids will often eat only half their food and get up to play. They make me feel like my kids have poor manners.

My children are ages 4 and 6. They go through phases of eating poorly and well. I try not to stress about it too much. They eat when they are hungry and I limit unhealthy snacks.

Your kids do have poor manners. I, like you, don't insist that my kids finish their food. However, when they are on a play date, have a friend over, or we have guests that include other children, my kids do not get up to go play while another kid is still eating. Especially when the other parent is trying to get their kid to finish. That IS poor manners. I will tell my kids "you can be 'done' but you may not be excused until Larla is finished (or until Larla's mom says she is)." That's pretty bad to hve your kids off and running to play after a few bites while Larla is stuck at the table, regardless of whether you agree with the mom force feeding her kid or not.

Your 4yo may have perfect table manners but mine does not. This is something I am working on. We know a lot of picky preschool eaters. This is not unique to my 4yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:22:01 here. You need a like-minded circle of friends, OP.

I tend to be on the harsh side. I forced DS to finish his plate as a toddler because he had failure to thrive and was seeing oral-motor therapists - ie, there was an excellent reason to insist on feeding him. But I would NEVER discipline someone else's child.

The simple truth is that you're never going to be comfortable with these people (who may be of the same background and culture?) if their parenting is so different from yours. Seriously, take the time to choose new friends.

OP here. Prior to having children, I was very aggressive and ambitious. My friends from prior to having children have similar personalities. They are perfectionists and want their children to be well behaved and perfect. By doing this, I don't think the parents and children seem very happy.

I am now a SAHM. I used to stress about my children's eating. I pick my battles with my children. They eat lots of fruit and veggies. They also eat ice cream almost every night after dinner. They cannot eat ice cream until they eat a decent amount of dinner. Our house is always kind of messy except for the few hours after the cleaning lady finishes cleaning. We are ok with this. I spend a lot of time reading and trying to enrich my kids. Often that includes messes that we don't always clean up right away.

PP you're responding to.

People on this board complain all the time about how hard it is to make friends. Knowing it might take time, just go out there and do it anyway! I moved here from abroad and took many years to find a small circle of excellent friends. Our only thing in common is our parenting and general philosophy of life - not nationality, age or occupation. That way there is perfect frankness when we talk about parenting strategies and education, etc. I feel I can ask for advice and get something that will truly match what I want for my children. And vice-versa. The rest of the conversation is fascinating, since we can relate our different experiences of life.

On a side note, you seem insecure. There is no need to justify your lifestyle. You only have one life to live, so do what you think is best.

OP here. I do not think I am insecure. I feel like a fish out of water. I am new to being a SAHM and can't seem to find my place. I may be holding on to old friendships. I thought we could continue being friends even if our parenting styles were different.

I know, I know - after a while, I dropped my old friends who had vastly different parenting styles. We were never going to see eye to eye. You need to act, OP. Either change the way you parent, or change your friends.
(I would change the way you parent, but again, you have to choose how you want to live).

My 6yo is well behaved and an excellent eater. We focus our attention more on academics and sports.

I do not find the need to threaten my children to finish their food. We hope that my 4yo will improve as he gets older, just the way that his older brother did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's your friend... talk to her about it. Just say we don't make DC finish his food, we only make sure he takes a few bites. For the yelling if it gets on her nerves then yeah she can say something regardless of what your DC rules are. If you are in her house it's her house rules, minus the food thing. If they are at your house it's your house rules. Or go somewhere neutral.

I have a friend who yells at you if you take a glass of water and don't finish it, the same with food. Now when we go there I really watch what I put on my plate or cup.

OP here. We have 2 other friends who insist that their children finish the food on their plates. They don't let their kids get up until they are finished. Those friends don't say anything to my kids but my kids will often eat only half their food and get up to play. They make me feel like my kids have poor manners.

My children are ages 4 and 6. They go through phases of eating poorly and well. I try not to stress about it too much. They eat when they are hungry and I limit unhealthy snacks.

Your kids do have poor manners. I, like you, don't insist that my kids finish their food. However, when they are on a play date, have a friend over, or we have guests that include other children, my kids do not get up to go play while another kid is still eating. Especially when the other parent is trying to get their kid to finish. That IS poor manners. I will tell my kids "you can be 'done' but you may not be excused until Larla is finished (or until Larla's mom says she is)." That's pretty bad to hve your kids off and running to play after a few bites while Larla is stuck at the table, regardless of whether you agree with the mom force feeding her kid or not.

Your 4yo may have perfect table manners but mine does not. This is something I am working on. We know a lot of picky preschool eaters. This is not unique to my 4yo.

No, my 4 year old and 5 and a half year old have horrendous table manners, if left to their own devices. That's why when they say "I'm done!" and get up to play, I sit them back down and tell them they need to wait until the other kids are finished. It's our job as parents to correct and redirect, and to be respectful of other parents and their parenting choices when they are guests in our homes. You don't need new friends, but you could be a little more accommodating and hospitable without having to alter how you feed your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, do your children come to you an hour or so later and tell you they are hungry or want dessert? If so, they are not eating enough at mealtime. That behavior is perceived as spoiled/bratty and disrupts the mealtime of the others at the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's your friend... talk to her about it. Just say we don't make DC finish his food, we only make sure he takes a few bites. For the yelling if it gets on her nerves then yeah she can say something regardless of what your DC rules are. If you are in her house it's her house rules, minus the food thing. If they are at your house it's your house rules. Or go somewhere neutral.

I have a friend who yells at you if you take a glass of water and don't finish it, the same with food. Now when we go there I really watch what I put on my plate or cup.

OP here. We have 2 other friends who insist that their children finish the food on their plates. They don't let their kids get up until they are finished. Those friends don't say anything to my kids but my kids will often eat only half their food and get up to play. They make me feel like my kids have poor manners.

My children are ages 4 and 6. They go through phases of eating poorly and well. I try not to stress about it too much. They eat when they are hungry and I limit unhealthy snacks.

Your kids do have poor manners. I, like you, don't insist that my kids finish their food. However, when they are on a play date, have a friend over, or we have guests that include other children, my kids do not get up to go play while another kid is still eating. Especially when the other parent is trying to get their kid to finish. That IS poor manners. I will tell my kids "you can be 'done' but you may not be excused until Larla is finished (or until Larla's mom says she is)." That's pretty bad to hve your kids off and running to play after a few bites while Larla is stuck at the table, regardless of whether you agree with the mom force feeding her kid or not.

Your 4yo may have perfect table manners but mine does not. This is something I am working on. We know a lot of picky preschool eaters. This is not unique to my 4yo.

If this is OP responding, then my read is that you know your kids have bad manners (totally understandable at their age, but you don't intervene when you should) and you get annoyed when your friend 'a stricter parenting reminds you of that fact. She should definitely not make your DC cry; you should definitely not let your kid get up from a meal when she's trying to get her kid to finish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do your children come to you an hour or so later and tell you they are hungry or want dessert? If so, they are not eating enough at mealtime. That behavior is perceived as spoiled/bratty and disrupts the mealtime of the others at the table.

No, my kids are healthy and probably eat 2 good meals out of 3. Some meals they will have seconds and even thirds. If they are not very hungry, they may only eat a few bites. My 4yo ate a good breakfast, did not eat well for lunch and ate a huge dinner today.

The friend who scolded my 4yo today has a child who is barely on the growth chart. She is a long time friend and I will give her a pass since her child's eating does in fact stress her out. If she ever scolds my child again about eating, I will kindly as her not to do so in a non-confrontational way. If she asked my child to please eat, I would not have minded. I just didn't like the tone and threatening way that she did so. It was upsetting for both my child and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do your children come to you an hour or so later and tell you they are hungry or want dessert? If so, they are not eating enough at mealtime. That behavior is perceived as spoiled/bratty and disrupts the mealtime of the others at the table.

You are wrong.

Little kids are supposed to eat in little bits. Not three square meals with no snacking.

[Anonymous]

Op, when you have a second or third kid you learn not to stress about these kind of things like your friend does.

She is out of line.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do everything you do, worth the exception of encouraging my child to stay at the table if others are still eating. But, a 4-year old is not going to be perfect, and I tHi I you also have to be reasonable. If the other child is taking 40 minutes to finish their food, your Dc should not be made to wait that long.

Your friends sound anxiously perfectionistic to the point that they parent in an authoritarian way., i.e parents set rules without regard to children's needs or age appropriate capabilities. a lot of studies have shown that children parented this way grow up to have a lot of issues and problems? However, permissive parenting - where there are no consistent, clear rules or boundaries -- is just as bad. Authoritative parenting is the just right middle, where parents set loving boundaries and limits, I,e, take the child's needs, preference, and developmental capabilities into account as they coach and discipline,

you sound like a thoughtful person, but you do come across as rather insecure and uncertain about your boundaries. Someone who wasn't would have had no hesitation about telling their friend to back off. and children who are gently raised are more sensitive to harsh words and treatment, so I totally get that your friend's behavior would have upset them. What I don't get is why you weren't able to respond in the moment, and why you had to come to DCUM to get validation that it is okay to do so.

Try reading a few books that outline why gentle parenting is so important. I think that will help succor you until you find some more likeminded friends. Daniel Siegel's book No Drama Discipline, Susan Stiftelman's Parenting Without Power Struggles, and Laura Markham' Peaceful Parent, Happy Kid ( as well as her website ahaparenting.com) are helpful places to start.

[Anonymous]

NP here - My kids are a little younger than this so I'm following with interest. I am honestly surprised to hear how intensely people feel about very small children getting up from the table when they're done. I understand needing to ask permission and being excused, but apart from tradition (which is usually worth being questioned for validity), what is the value in making a really young kid sit at the table when they're done eating? What's the point?

I'm a stickler about please, thank you, saying sorry, sharing, and picking up, but this one stumps me. When my almost-3yo is done, we're happy if she wants to sit with us some more but also happy to let her get down and play with her toys. Why is this bad manners?