My friend keeps scolding my children

[Anonymous]

In with you PP. my kids are older and forcing them to sit at the table is no fun for any of us. They ask to be excused, have finished what they will of their meal and they clear their plates. If we have friends over we usually feed kids first. N a rare occasion I'll ask them to stay seated but for the most part I don't see the point.

[Anonymous]

Scenario 1: OP is a wishy-washy parent and her friend is normal. OP's kid has a few bites then goes to leave the table, while friend has barely begun. OP tells us she had already asked her kid several times to sit back down, and maybe it was in that saccharine "Oh lovey-boo, can you sit for Mommy, please?" Sort of way. Friend, who is aware that a rule without a matching consequence is just a preference, tries to help OP by saying, "Larla: sit and eat or you will miss playtime after." Larla, whose Mommy would never dream of giving her a direct order, bursts into tears. Friend rolls her eyes and OP comforts her child while thinking about what a mean mom Friend is.

Scenario 2) OP is normal and her friend is a controlling bitch. OP was doing just fine laying down the rules for her kid, but friend felt the need to aggressively enforce the exact same rules for both kids, to the point where Larla is in tears because she can't imagine having to gag down a plateful of food when she's just not hungry.

My money is on number 1, and I say that as a positive discipline Ellen Satter adherant.

[Anonymous]

^ I'd lean toward 1 as well. But maybe that's because I'm a controlling bitch. I have friends like OP in scenario 1. Love them, hate parenting style. (and as a result dislike kids.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scenario 1: OP is a wishy-washy parent and her friend is normal. OP's kid has a few bites then goes to leave the table, while friend has barely begun. OP tells us she had already asked her kid several times to sit back down, and maybe it was in that saccharine "Oh lovey-boo, can you sit for Mommy, please?" Sort of way. Friend, who is aware that a rule without a matching consequence is just a preference, tries to help OP by saying, "Larla: sit and eat or you will miss playtime after." Larla, whose Mommy would never dream of giving her a direct order, bursts into tears. Friend rolls her eyes and OP comforts her child while thinking about what a mean mom Friend is.

Scenario 2) OP is normal and her friend is a controlling bitch. OP was doing just fine laying down the rules for her kid, but friend felt the need to aggressively enforce the exact same rules for both kids, to the point where Larla is in tears because she can't imagine having to gag down a plateful of food when she's just not hungry.

My money is on number 1, and I say that as a positive discipline Ellen Satter adherant.

Actually Secenario #1 is most like the closest to reality. Why? Because if it were Scenario #2, OP wouldn't be writing here for advice on how to handle it. She would already know that her friend is overly controlling, and the play dates would have stopped immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who has a child that is similar in age to my child. She is always scolding her child - behavior, eating, cleaning up, etc. Her parenting style is quite different from mine. She often threatens her child of consequences if he does not behave properly or finish his food. We are much more laid back with eating and cleaning up. We do not start yelling at our child for not finishing his food.

She has made my child cry twice by threatening my child that he cannot play if he does not finish his food on his plate. My child rarely finishes his plate. I often give him a variety of food knowing that he will only take a few bites of 3 or the 4 different foods that I put on his plate. She will scold her child and scold my child at the same time for being loud. I do not scold my child for laughing too loud.

My friend is stressing out my child and my child seems to not have a good time being around them. I think my friend wants the children behave but she is ruining the play dates.

WWYD? Would you say something to her? Just stop hanging out?

I don't want to offend her. I rarely say anything to other children unless there is physical harm being done to another child. I mind my own business when it comes to eating. I don't know why she feels the need to yell at my child to finish his food.

Not her business in any way or form.

One stern warning, then no contact where the children are involved. I'd have a hard time staying friends with her in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's your friend... talk to her about it. Just say we don't make DC finish his food, we only make sure he takes a few bites. For the yelling if it gets on her nerves then yeah she can say something regardless of what your DC rules are. If you are in her house it's her house rules, minus the food thing. If they are at your house it's your house rules. Or go somewhere neutral.

I have a friend who yells at you if you take a glass of water and don't finish it, the same with food. Now when we go there I really watch what I put on my plate or cup.

OP here. We have 2 other friends who insist that their children finish the food on their plates. They don't let their kids get up until they are finished. Those friends don't say anything to my kids but my kids will often eat only half their food and get up to play. They make me feel like my kids have poor manners.

My children are ages 4 and 6. They go through phases of eating poorly and well. I try not to stress about it too much. They eat when they are hungry and I limit unhealthy snacks.

You and your friends are really messed up in the head about food. If your kids only eat half the food on their plate that doesn't mean they're "eating poorly." It means THEY ARE NOT THAT HUNGRY and they are listening to their body's cues. Which is what people are supposed to do. Get a freaking spine, and then use it to walk yourself over to the library and get some books on proper eating, which you obviously don't know.

This. They push children to eat past their satiety point and then they wring their hands crying "OMG OBESITY". No shit, Sherlock?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what is your definition of 'scold?'

By your own admission you have a kid who gets heaps of options to eat and doesn't bother, and runs around instead (probably making a mess) and you don't like consequences and boundaries and you think instruction is some form of punishment and think that another person who is trying to teach their child how to behave is objectively wrong.

If I was your friend I wouldn't scold your child, I'd cut the ill-disciplined, ill-mannered, petulant little critter out of my life. Do you actually understand that not everyone thinks that kids should do exactly what they want, to whom they want, when they want?

My view is that if other people have to intervene with my children then there is something seriously wrong. With my children and not with them.

Your friend should not scold she should not invite you back. Because your parenting leaves a lot to be desired...

This was at my house.

At your house? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do your children come to you an hour or so later and tell you they are hungry or want dessert? If so, they are not eating enough at mealtime. That behavior is perceived as spoiled/bratty and disrupts the mealtime of the others at the table.

You are wrong.

Little kids are supposed to eat in little bits. Not three square meals with no snacking.

x 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what is your definition of 'scold?'

By your own admission you have a kid who gets heaps of options to eat and doesn't bother, and runs around instead (probably making a mess) and you don't like consequences and boundaries and you think instruction is some form of punishment and think that another person who is trying to teach their child how to behave is objectively wrong.

If I was your friend I wouldn't scold your child, I'd cut the ill-disciplined, ill-mannered, petulant little critter out of my life. Do you actually understand that not everyone thinks that kids should do exactly what they want, to whom they want, when they want?

My view is that if other people have to intervene with my children then there is something seriously wrong. With my children and not with them.

Your friend should not scold she should not invite you back. Because your parenting leaves a lot to be desired...

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's your friend... talk to her about it. Just say we don't make DC finish his food, we only make sure he takes a few bites. For the yelling if it gets on her nerves then yeah she can say something regardless of what your DC rules are. If you are in her house it's her house rules, minus the food thing. If they are at your house it's your house rules. Or go somewhere neutral.

I have a friend who yells at you if you take a glass of water and don't finish it, the same with food. Now when we go there I really watch what I put on my plate or cup.

OP here. We have 2 other friends who insist that their children finish the food on their plates. They don't let their kids get up until they are finished. Those friends don't say anything to my kids but my kids will often eat only half their food and get up to play. They make me feel like my kids have poor manners.

My children are ages 4 and 6. They go through phases of eating poorly and well. I try not to stress about it too much. They eat when they are hungry and I limit unhealthy snacks.

So the trouble spot isn't really about the children eating - it's about meal time manners. It's fine that your children don't eat all their food, but manners dictate that they sit at the table until everyone is finished. That's the part you want to encourage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here - My kids are a little younger than this so I'm following with interest. I am honestly surprised to hear how intensely people feel about very small children getting up from the table when they're done. I understand needing to ask permission and being excused, but apart from tradition (which is usually worth being questioned for validity), what is the value in making a really young kid sit at the table when they're done eating? What's the point?

I'm a stickler about please, thank you, saying sorry, sharing, and picking up, but this one stumps me. When my almost-3yo is done, we're happy if she wants to sit with us some more but also happy to let her get down and play with her toys. Why is this bad manners?

I'm one of the PPs that said it was rude to let your kid get up and play when another kid is just starting to eat. I would never dream of enforcing this with just our family on a regular basis at home. Of course I don't expect my four year old to sit quietly and watch DH and I eat and discuss our taxes. But on the occasions we have friends with kids over, yes, I'll make him stay at the table until Larla and Larlo are finished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here - My kids are a little younger than this so I'm following with interest. I am honestly surprised to hear how intensely people feel about very small children getting up from the table when they're done. I understand needing to ask permission and being excused, but apart from tradition (which is usually worth being questioned for validity), what is the value in making a really young kid sit at the table when they're done eating? What's the point?

I'm a stickler about please, thank you, saying sorry, sharing, and picking up, but this one stumps me. When my almost-3yo is done, we're happy if she wants to sit with us some more but also happy to let her get down and play with her toys. Why is this bad manners?

I'm one of the PPs that said it was rude to let your kid get up and play when another kid is just starting to eat. I would never dream of enforcing this with just our family on a regular basis at home. Of course I don't expect my four year old to sit quietly and watch DH and I eat and discuss our taxes. But on the occasions we have friends with kids over, yes, I'll make him stay at the table until Larla and Larlo are finished.

Exactly. Thought this was obvious from the replies.

[Anonymous]

If you were eating at her house, I'd be careful to only give my kids very small portions. If she hates seeing food wasted, I'd really try not to waste her food. If it was your house and your food, I'd try to find a time without kids to have a conversation-"I like you. We parent differently. I don't want my kids held to your standards. How can we work this out so we both feel comfortable." That convo may offend her, but the only other options are not hanging out with her or putting up with the correcting.

[Anonymous]

When my child is at your house, your rules and vice versa. If either of us do not like the rules of the other house, then no more play dates. Simple and easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my child is at your house, your rules and vice versa. If either of us do not like the rules of the other house, then no more play dates. Simple and easy.

No jumping on the couch and put away toys before leaving the room are great rules and one that my child should follow.

This is tricky around meal times. If an adult is portioning out food and then saying a guest can't leave the table until all the food on the plate is consumed, that is not a rule I can support.