Help me cope with in laws visit

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with the couple of posts suggesting that you do some research and find things to do outside the house.

But I'd add, be sure that some of those things are done by the kids with just dad and MIL and/or FIL -- and you get to stay in, or go out for a quiet meal on your own, or discover that you just have to get to the store to buy the X that you forgot, whatever. That gives you a break from the in-laws and gives your husband time to be with them and the kids. Then you do the same for him a few times -- you and the kids with the in-laws while he catches a break. But present it to his parents as "special time with the grandkids" and not as "we adults need to get away from you...."

If he has old friends in the area, he can maybe meet up with one of them which gives him the out of saying, "the kids would be so bored with two guys just catching up.

Also, try to find times when DH can do something with his parents without you OR the kids there; you take the kids to a kiddie movie the adults would hate while DH just chats with his folks, or does some activity with them, or takes them to do something they need to get done with his help (I used to go with my MIL to the store so husband could visit with FIL just as adult son and dad). Husband might find things go better with his folks if he spends a little time with them without the kids and you around to be a focus for MIL's negative behaviors. If I were DH I would be SURE to avoid talking about your own family at those times--he can ask about how they are doing and about other innocuous things, but should change the topic if they start to criticize you or the kids.

But here's the key in all these ideas: Your husband, not you, should suggest this stuff. It should come from him as his suggestions and he should be firm. "Mom, I'd really like some time with just you and me. I'll take you out to lunch today while Dear Wife takes the kids to get those bathing suits we forgot to bring." And so on. If you suggest it, MIL will possibly view it as "Daughter-in-law wants to avoid me and keep me from the grandkids!" but if DH suggests it (and does so along the lines of "This is going to happen and isn't it just great!") she may be likelier to see it as "Son wants special alone time with me!" If he can't bear being with her--he might be using the kids as a buffer, but remind him that that isn't great for the kids as they hear grandma saying how bad they are.

If this is for a week, is there any chance of a half-day class or camp the kids can do while they're there to give them a break from the grandparents? My mom's small town still had summer stuff going on for kids at the rec centers and arts center. If they're old enough for that kind of thing, it could give them something to do and time out of the house, where being restless and bored likely makes them do stuff that grandma thinks is "bad." (Even though it's normal!)

Can you go for less than a week? This sounds like truly it should be a long-weekend relationship, not a week-long-visit one.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thank you so very much for the advice given - very sound. I am really grateful. I have nothing to discuss with my DH - he has total blinders on when it comes to his parents - they are perfect, have always been perfect, and will always be perfect. Any kid thing - like a kid being fussy - will always be my "fault" and any desire to adhere to their own timelines is perceived as "rigidity" - this came into play in our last visit, in dramatic fashion.

If anyone remembers, someone above did, I am the mall poster - my in laws love the mall, love, love, love the mall and love to take us to the mall. They expect kids to eat on their schedule and literally eye roll when i point out that there is a time difference and they need to have lunch at time X, which is "too early" for them.

For grandparents that claim to so dearly love their grandkids, they are interestingly uninterested in accommodating them.

Anyways, since I can't not go - or go for less time (tried suggesting that one - but since in laws don't lift a finger to help after stating "we help SOOOO much," or discuss this in an open, adult way with DH, I am just trying to build an itinerary (have already found mini golf and a cool pool a few towns over) and will find a movie to see with the kids (great idea!!!) and will take time for myself to exercise every day. I'm also loading up my kindle and will go to bed early to leave DH with his parents. I hope, hope, hope we can have a dinner out, but with his parents who knows?

just a little note - my mil was in town for our first valentine's day with our new daughter - MIL insisted on being taken out to Vday dinner, and not watching DD so DH and I could have the night out - that is typical for them.

Thank you all for helping me take the high road. I intend to post on here to vent (and prepared a friend for on-going venting to be coming!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go into it knowing that nothing you do will change her comments. Nothing. If the kids are angels, if you moved next door it wouldn't matter. She will find something to make you feel bad about. People who are negative like this MUST always find a way you are falling short so the target is always moving. This is still really hard for me with my own MIL. I sometimes feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole with her complaints. Once I've addressed one complaint, another unrelated one pops up. So I chose to just DROP the hammer and walk away. I am not responsible for her happiness. I chose to be polite and I encourage her relationship with my child. Beyond that, I drop the rope and let her hang herself if she wants to.

I also bring books to read, go for walks alone or with the kids, and/or drink plenty of wine if I can. Then I go to bed early, even if it's just to read or surf on my phone.

Remember, you are doing this to make your DH happy, NOT her. Concentrate on that. This trip is an investment in your marriage. You are also modeling to your children how to gracefully handle difficult people. They are learning from you, so think of how you'd want your kid's spouses to treat you (even if you were a pill) and DO THAT. It's not easy.

Good luck!

op here, i love this quote. it will be my mantra

[Anonymous]

They sound like assholes, OP, and your husband is letting your kids down by not being an understanding parent. Definitely come back to vent repeatedly! When's the trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thank you so very much for the advice given - very sound. I am really grateful. I have nothing to discuss with my DH - he has total blinders on when it comes to his parents - they are perfect, have always been perfect, and will always be perfect. Any kid thing - like a kid being fussy - will always be my "fault" and any desire to adhere to their own timelines is perceived as "rigidity" - this came into play in our last visit, in dramatic fashion.

If anyone remembers, someone above did, I am the mall poster - my in laws love the mall, love, love, love the mall and love to take us to the mall. They expect kids to eat on their schedule and literally eye roll when i point out that there is a time difference and they need to have lunch at time X, which is "too early" for them.

For grandparents that claim to so dearly love their grandkids, they are interestingly uninterested in accommodating them.

Anyways, since I can't not go - or go for less time (tried suggesting that one - but since in laws don't lift a finger to help after stating "we help SOOOO much," or discuss this in an open, adult way with DH, I am just trying to build an itinerary (have already found mini golf and a cool pool a few towns over) and will find a movie to see with the kids (great idea!!!) and will take time for myself to exercise every day. I'm also loading up my kindle and will go to bed early to leave DH with his parents. I hope, hope, hope we can have a dinner out, but with his parents who knows?

just a little note - my mil was in town for our first valentine's day with our new daughter - MIL insisted on being taken out to Vday dinner, and not watching DD so DH and I could have the night out - that is typical for them.

Thank you all for helping me take the high road. I intend to post on here to vent (and prepared a friend for on-going venting to be coming!)

That is terrible, OP! My in-laws are pretty bad. I posted earlier. But at the very least DH agrees they are awful and doesn't want to see them either. I couldn't imagine how much more tough it would be with a DH who thinks his parents who act as you have described are perfect. Good luck and definitely come back to vent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go into it knowing that nothing you do will change her comments. Nothing. If the kids are angels, if you moved next door it wouldn't matter. She will find something to make you feel bad about. People who are negative like this MUST always find a way you are falling short so the target is always moving. This is still really hard for me with my own MIL. I sometimes feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole with her complaints. Once I've addressed one complaint, another unrelated one pops up. So I chose to just DROP the hammer and walk away. I am not responsible for her happiness. I chose to be polite and I encourage her relationship with my child. Beyond that, I drop the rope and let her hang herself if she wants to.

I also bring books to read, go for walks alone or with the kids, and/or drink plenty of wine if I can. Then I go to bed early, even if it's just to read or surf on my phone.

Remember, you are doing this to make your DH happy, NOT her. Concentrate on that. This trip is an investment in your marriage. You are also modeling to your children how to gracefully handle difficult people. They are learning from you, so think of how you'd want your kid's spouses to treat you (even if you were a pill) and DO THAT. It's not easy.

Good luck!

Great advice! So much great advice in this thread by other PPs too. You described my in-laws perfectly. They are just negative people, but like you said, it wouldn't matter what we did, we will always fall short. It's really hard to accept, but I think the strategy to just drop it and accept that only they can make themselves happy is good advice. I wish I could drink some wine while there, but it is a dry house. No alcohol in sight.

I'm the quoted PP.

Yes the negativity is SO hard to deal with. No one in my family is like so it was all new to me when I got married. And only my MIL is like that, no one else in DH's family is. But when my MIL isn't happy, NO one is allowed to be happy. She spends a lot of time being upset that she doesn't see us or our child enough. Well my DH's sister sees her everyday as she uses my MIL for childcare, and she manages to still be unhappy with SIL about other things in her life. She complains that we ask my mom to babysit before we ask her, but then when we do ask her to babysit, she complains about having to drive to our house or about the time we asked her to be there or whatever. It's really irritating and I often want to snap back "well, I can always just ask my mother if it's such a huge hassle for you!" but I usually just pass the phone to my DH. Serenity now!

I was the one who responded to you. No one in my family is like this either. For us, it's both MIL and FIL. FIL might even be worse. Seriously, he is so dead set on having a miserable time when he visits us that, even though he loves sweets, he pouted when we had a cake for MIL's birthday and then proceeded to just smash his piece of cake into his plate rather than eat it and also talked about how cake makes you fat. However, when we were there over Christmas every night he was pushing the cookies and chocolate and other sweets around the house. Apparently in their house those things won't make you fat! And MIL is the worst about laying on the guilt for never getting to see her grandkids although they decided to skip DS's baptism where SIL (their daughter) was named the godmother. Then they proceeded to grill SIL for details about the baptism and photos and had to inform her about how the priest did the baptism wrong! Because you know it makes it OK to skip a baptism if the priest does it wrong (mind you they do not even attend church ever and haven't in decades). I could go on because they are so ridiculous. Serenity now is right although I do worry sometimes about insanity later!

[Anonymous]

Know what time of the day is the worst.
Is it cocktail time?
Or sitting around with coffee morning time?

Get away - just yourself. Find a coffee shop, something. Think about it ahead of time and have it understood by your husband. "Sweetie, so I'll be gone each morning between 8 and 11, right? Just say you need some "me time", don't complain re the ILs

[Anonymous]

I think I would "sprain" my ankle just before the trip. Bring ccrutches and have to beg off every activity. So very disappointed to miss all the fun! (wink, wink!) DH will have to manage the kids and the many mall excursions . . . and all of the behavior attitude that come with it!

[Anonymous]

Don't go. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband calls her every day??? That 's not normal for a man. For a daughter, not so unusual. For a son....peculiar.

[Anonymous]

OP your dh is a real momma's boy who will never back you up. The problem isn't the in laws, it's the man or should I say nebbish you married. Guess he must have looked to be a good provider so that fit into your plan nicely but doesn't make up for everything.

[Anonymous]

Wow op. Your dh's family sucks. Your dh does too and I'm sorry you don't realize that. Marriage counseling stat. He doesn't stand up for your kids or for you.

I also disagree with the suggestions to leave your kids alone with the in laws while you and dh go out. Your kids should not be left in their care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lower your expectations to rock bottom. Expect each day to be something to get through rather than something fun and enjoyable. But as a PP said, if there are activities you can plan for, do it! Anything that gets everyone out of the house is good. It changes the dynamic, stimulates the kids, gives the day some structure.

Decide that you are your children's ally and you will not let your MIL or the tension she creates turn you against your kids or use them as a vent for your negative feelings.

If there's a book you've been looking forward to reading, bring it. Feel free to carve out "me" time and let your DH and his parents have some time alone with the kids. You are entitled to be a co-driver of what happens on this trip, especially with respect to how you spend your own time. Just go for it and don't worry if MIL seems annoyed. Someone is often going to be annoyed, so why not let it be her sometimes?

Try to ignore her annoying comments. Best revenge for that is no response and no engagement. Noncommittal "hmmm" sounds and then change the subject. Amuse yourself by counting how many baggy guilt comments she makes, or see if she can top the worst thing she said last time. Text a close friend whenever MIL says or does something annoying or nutty (it helps to have a place to vent, to turn it into a joke, and to remember that this is not your normal life and the visit is just an interlude).

If you drink, then imbibe moderately but often!

Really good advice.

Just make sure you don't really drunk, that's a recipe for disaster. Just get an early buzz and maintain it throughout the day.

When i have to do a week with my ILs, I go from relaxing in the morning with coffee and reading the news, to getting away for at least an hour of strenuous exercise, to a lengthy cocktail hour and wine with dinner. fold in a nap and an errand and it can be borne.

[Anonymous]

Day 1 - and let me thank you in advance for being kind to me - well, the BEst part of my day was when my 4 yr old fully trained son poopedin his shorts and my MIL ran around looking to see if he pooped on her carpet. In the middle of dinner.

So, in brief, my childless SIL told me I'm depriving my kids bc they watch tv only every other day (she said, wait till they get to school; they're going to feel sad when other kids are all talking about shows - ummm... They're both in school, but ok) and my MIL told me I don't allow enough junk food. That I'm depriving them and wait told they get to high school; I can't control them then - what's funny about that is that I'm the most laid back mom about food - we have those frozen colored pops in our freezers, we eat mac and cheese from a box, and tonight, in front of them, I allowed my son to have a Rolo for his bedtime snack... I'm not a vegan crazy lady!

But I digress; before the TV and junk food judgements were weighed, we went for a swim... And my kids returned home hungry. So I asked when dinner would be ready... 15 min was the reply. So I set one in front of the TV and took the other for showering. Well, mil was pissed that I asked (I'm guessing) and had words with dh, who then came to the shower to yell at me for "starting the week off badly" and "being that way"

DD asked why we were arguing and I told her (ok, this was bad. Like really bad) that grandma doesn't told daddy that she doesn't want to help us by getting dinner ready for her brother because she wants to keep on her own schedule. It was not nice, but it is true. Almost every single meltdown my child has had at in laws has been directly related to being told to wait to eat bc the grown ups are t ready - today I decided to advocate for my kid (I actually also tried to buy him a hot dog at the pool, but they were sold out.)

[Anonymous]

Op again - in following dcum advice, I did bring a giant puzzle to work on, and took a long time unpacking, and took a long time putting kids to bed and have escaped to bed myself...

I agree with previous posters who suggest my DH has issues. There's just not much I can do about that... I could leave him, but I'm not sure that being brought up with divorced parents is better than with a semi-functional family.