Help me cope with in laws visit

[Anonymous]

I would explain, in macro and detail, why exactly a couple needs to act like one around the rest of the family. So NO blaming you in their presence, and on the contrary, if there is so much as a hint that they're blaming you, DH has to defend you (and vice-versa).

The nuclear family is the top priority. His parents and yours are not part of it. Their opinions and desires come second.

[Anonymous]

OP, can the kids eat separately from the adults? Serve the kids dinner early, and then the adults can eat on your MIL's timeline. Lots of families do this as a routine matter if one spouse gets home on the later side. If not, then get some healthy heavy snacks from the store and tide the kids over until it's dinner time.

If it's day 1, you need to dial it back. Don't say crap to your kids and confuse them about whose side to be on. Maybe your MIL was pissed that you didn't offer to help with dinner? (I get that you were busy dealing with the kids.) Who cares what your in-laws say about TV and junk food? Let them give their opinion, smile, don't really engage, and then talk about something else.

Keep the updates coming!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again - in following dcum advice, I did bring a giant puzzle to work on, and took a long time unpacking, and took a long time putting kids to bed and have escaped to bed myself...

I agree with previous posters who suggest my DH has issues. There's just not much I can do about that... I could leave him, but I'm not sure that being brought up with divorced parents is better than with a semi-functional family.

Then do whatever you can to improve your relationship. Would he rather go to marriage counseling or get divorced? Your kid's relationships will mimic your and dh's relationship. Do you want them to repeat this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Day 1 - and let me thank you in advance for being kind to me - well, the BEst part of my day was when my 4 yr old fully trained son poopedin his shorts and my MIL ran around looking to see if he pooped on her carpet. In the middle of dinner.

So, in brief, my childless SIL told me I'm depriving my kids bc they watch tv only every other day (she said, wait till they get to school; they're going to feel sad when other kids are all talking about shows - ummm... They're both in school, but ok) and my MIL told me I don't allow enough junk food. That I'm depriving them and wait told they get to high school; I can't control them then - what's funny about that is that I'm the most laid back mom about food - we have those frozen colored pops in our freezers, we eat mac and cheese from a box, and tonight, in front of them, I allowed my son to have a Rolo for his bedtime snack... I'm not a vegan crazy lady!

But I digress; before the TV and junk food judgements were weighed, we went for a swim... And my kids returned home hungry. So I asked when dinner would be ready... 15 min was the reply. So I set one in front of the TV and took the other for showering. Well, mil was pissed that I asked (I'm guessing) and had words with dh, who then came to the shower to yell at me for "starting the week off badly" and "being that way"

DD asked why we were arguing and I told her (ok, this was bad. Like really bad) that grandma doesn't told daddy that she doesn't want to help us by getting dinner ready for her brother because she wants to keep on her own schedule. It was not nice, but it is true. Almost every single meltdown my child has had at in laws has been directly related to being told to wait to eat bc the grown ups are t ready - today I decided to advocate for my kid (I actually also tried to buy him a hot dog at the pool, but they were sold out.)

I have no specific advice, but lots of sympathy. Your in laws really do sound ridiculous, and I hope you keep a mental running tally of their craziness so we can legitimize it and you feel less insane.

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. Is your husband normally ok when not around his family?

[Anonymous]

OP, why did you not learn from last year and the mall experience? I don't understand why you are going places without food for your kids again. Freaking take food for them and when they are hungry, GIVE THEM FOOD. Then you won't have to worry about the mealtimes issue and can roll with it. You are too rigid and don't learn from your past mistakes so I can see why your DH is annoyed. If it was me, I would have gone this year with a huge bag full of filling snacks to take with us everywhere, and eff their mealtimes. The kids can eat when grandma is "ready."

[Anonymous]

Don't leave your children alone with this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why did you not learn from last year and the mall experience? I don't understand why you are going places without food for your kids again. Freaking take food for them and when they are hungry, GIVE THEM FOOD. Then you won't have to worry about the mealtimes issue and can roll with it. You are too rigid and don't learn from your past mistakes so I can see why your DH is annoyed. If it was me, I would have gone this year with a huge bag full of filling snacks to take with us everywhere, and eff their mealtimes. The kids can eat when grandma is "ready."

+1. take snacks to the pool. Have snacks in your purse. Stop while running errands so the kids can eat when they're hungry. Also this way your MIL can't complain that you're rushing dinner because the kids are hungry.

[Anonymous]

OP--get to the store now and load up on cheese sticks, small yogurts, fruit and pretzels. Hell, even get some candy.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am sending plenty of calm strength to protect your kids from your ILs and husband.

NEVER lose your temper, but steadfastly get your own way by doing whatever the hell your children need from you. You can prepare a snack for your children in the kitchen. You can get them to shower or bathe, whenever they need to. You can go out whenever you want to. When DH yells at you, stare at him and do not respond. Stare at your ILs and do not respond. The only words that should come out of your mouth should be polite and quiet. Meanwhile, just go ahead and do your thing. Unless they physically lay hands on you, they can't stop you! ILs will understand you're not a pushover. DH will understand that IL visits should be curtailed because you're not taking their shit lying down.

You're the mother - you decide. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again - in following dcum advice, I did bring a giant puzzle to work on, and took a long time unpacking, and took a long time putting kids to bed and have escaped to bed myself...

I agree with previous posters who suggest my DH has issues. There's just not much I can do about that... I could leave him, but I'm not sure that being brought up with divorced parents is better than with a semi-functional family.

I'm here with DH. We're headed to counseling. Your family unit has to have primacy and he needs to back you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going there for 1 week. Small town, not much to do.

Last visit was horrific - I posted about in on Dcum bc I was so upset with how in law behavior had bubbled over to me and I'd been awful with my kids (think - they tell me how bad my kids are, then DH gets in on how bad the kids are and it's my fault and then I shouted at kids for being "bad" when they truly weren't bad at all - just normal kids)

DH is hugely stressed about going - knows I am not enthused, but insisted I come along bc he thinks it's important I come along. Mil hasn't spoken to me in 6 months, unless I pick up the phone when she calls. I have tried to make sure she remains connected to our kids by texting her cute pictures and sending updates (maybe every 3 weeks). Dh talks to her daily.

She has caused major problems in the past and freely uses guilt - "I'm so alone and lonely now that you are so far away. You've forgotten about me. You don't love me." Very manipulative stuff, considering that she has a job she really enjoys that pays well, is still married to her husband, travels 4-5 times a year to exotic locations, and has another child.

So, going in to this, I'm feeling miserable and depressed that I have to use vacation days up for these people, and a little bit angry.

But I need (for myself and my own sanity) to make this week as happy as possible for me and my kids and even DH.
Help me figure out how to approach the week!

Schedule daily Skype conversations with good friends. Give your kids outlets as well, whether pre-planned outdoor activities or iPad stuff that will help them get away from the drama. Plan on having sex with DH at least twice during this trip, so that you two stay connected. It will help. Promise. Bring a book that lets you escape, preferably something about an evil queen who gets what's coming to her. Pack clothes that you absolutely adore to wear as armor against nasty aggression. Bring her a gift, something undeniably sweet to disarm her and tilt things in your favor. Have the kids make a card or something to put them in her good graces. Have little videos on your phone to show and laugh about when tension builds. Try your best to be an outside observer. You can watch a dynamic at work without participating in it. Practice doing this.

Best of luck to you. Courage!

[Anonymous]

OP: It's time to put on your big girl panties. Stop blaming your in laws and husband when you let them walk all over you. If you think yournkids need to be fed, then feed them. How is this not possible at a mall for goodness sake???? Just go to the food court with your kids. Who cares if your in laws disapprove?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again - in following dcum advice, I did bring a giant puzzle to work on, and took a long time unpacking, and took a long time putting kids to bed and have escaped to bed myself...

I agree with previous posters who suggest my DH has issues. There's just not much I can do about that... I could leave him, but I'm not sure that being brought up with divorced parents is better than with a semi-functional family.

You have issues too OP. They have made you the "scapegoat" and it will continue as long as you allow it. If they pull any shit on Day 2, call a cab, go to the airport, and fly home. With/without your kids is up to you but I wouldn't leave them. If within a few hours driving distance rent a car and drive home. You do have your own credit card I hope.

[Anonymous]

Day 2 - slightly better...

Regarding snacking; I try not to "ruin" meals with constant snacking, but I stuffed my purse full of granola bars (brought from home bc I knew what this place is like), and junk and just threw food at my kids every time they chirped. I also held string on meal time for lunch - SIL had a totally hissy fur bc it was early and wouldn't eat anything, but, hey, my kids ate and were great.

They got mad at DD once for climbing on the chairs in the kids shoe area at Nordstrom... I squeezed her arm really hard to get her to stop bc sil and MIL were totally escalating.

Also got told I'm "so strict" because we limit TV. Again, this was said while the children were watching a 2 hour movie.

Hung out with DH's aunt and uncle, who are more reasonable than my in laws.

We did a year of couples therapy before getting pregnant with our first child - the theme pretty much centered around DG and the relationship with his parents being unhealthy for our marriage. He went back into therapy alone 2 years ago for a few months. Both times benefitted our marriage as a whole, but DH felt it was a waste of time. He has said no more.

He's a fairly good guy to be married to 80% of the time. 10% of the time we're at odds over his family and visits like this and add another 10% for usual couple stuff.

Again, a sincere than you to the people who continue to kindly offer advice and support - thank you for the reminder to remain polite and calm. Super important.

Also, being busy has been terrific - I booked swim lessons at their local pool, and while the lessons got canceled, I got to have someplace to take the kids for a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

Op again - also, 4 yr old had diarrhea in his underwear. Again. This is really not a vacation.