"School comes first in our family"

[Anonymous]

Parents should be focused just as much on their kids mental and physical health. Building character, instilling discipline, are just as important as grades. At some point kids will graduate and then they have to be people not just students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your friend's son a good athlete? People tend to place a higher importance on the things their own kids are good at. If her child is not terribly athletic, she might want to change the subject to an area in which he is more successful when the conversation turns to athletics.

Sure! I get that (OP here) and am happy to celebrate her children's interests and achievements! I DO think it is awesome that her kids do so well in school. They are also pretty good athletes, so it's not apples and oranges here. I have wonderful friends who have children that excel or at least are very interested in music, art, performing, non traditional sports (fencing), etc. Or who attend the Center for Talented Youth, or are in the gifted/AP/etc. programs. That's awesome! I love when people find things they enjoy and even better if they happen to be good at it. The point is I don't get the same respect from her for the things my children enjoy doing. I am more than happy to be friends with people with different interests, it's what makes the world interesting, but judgement is just not my thing.

[Anonymous]

Just not a good fit as a friend.

You can't change people.

[Anonymous]

Athletes actually make more money in the long term because they learn team work skills, negotiation skills and how to deal with a boss (coach). These things help to elevate your social IQ, which is arguably more important that academics. Don't pay attention to her- live your life the way you deem fit. Come up with a witty reply like "Well athletics come first in my family- I guess we really do have different priorities" and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

OP it's fairly simple

She most definitely thinks your kids spend too much time on their travel sports and should be concentrating more on school
You either shrug it off and continue the friendship because she has other redeeming qualities
Or you distance yourself from the friendship because it bothers you a lot.
Both valid choices, but neither of them are going to make this person change their mind or judge you less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would simply point out that evidence shows that athletes do better in school.
It also demonstrates to (future) colleges that you have a more “well-rounded” kid.

http://news.ku.edu/2014/01/15/study-shows-high-school-athletes-performed-better-school-persisted-graduation-more-non

That's a pretty obnoxious way to phrase it. By saying that "athletes do better in school," you are being just as judgmental and critical as the other mom is being. That comment is going to grate on the friend as much as the friend's comments grate on OP.

A better way is to say "Johnny shows an aptitude and interest in football, so we encourage him to be more well-rounded." Optionally you can include "Some college admissions value that." This comes across more that you are doing what works best for your child as an individual, rather than a more sweeping generalization that might include her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are being judged. Do you want to keep her as a friend? If so I'd take her aside and say "look, it seems we have slightly different approaches to parenting. It hurts me when you comment in a negative way on how we are raising our kid. It feels judgmental. Can we not do that?"

This- the advice to point out this or that or react in a way that is more "retaliation" is childish and for people who are too insecure to admit when they are being hurt or upset by someone. Say it flat out, that she's hurting your feelings. If she is a real friend, she will feel badly and attempt to change! If she continues, well then feel free to throw whatever it is you want back at her and start to distance

[Anonymous]

There are two different issues going on here:

1. Should school "come first?"

2. Should your friend be making you feel judged?

I think you should try to keep these issues separate. I kind of agree with your friend on #1. And its cool if you don't, but I wouldn't try to convince yourself her believing that is a problem since its not, and what really is bothering you is #2.

Regarding #2, yes it sounds like her judging is inappropriate. I think the "we have different approaches" option is a decent one, as is saying something like "well, we just have been lucky in that we manage to prioritize both school and sports in our household" and then not engaging.

But one thing I'd add is that, assuming you want to remain friends with this person, you will need to recognize that you're now overly sensitived to her and might be calling some of her comments judgmental when they are not.

For example, "I don't know how you do it, school is so important to us and comes first" is right on the line. Someone COULD be saying it to judge you, but they could also be thinking aloud to a friend and not realizing how they come off.

On the other hand, "Wouldn't it be better if he focused more on school, etc." is pretty much overtly judgmental.

If you're able to discourage the second type of comment but not the first, I would call that a win and try not to still be bothered by the first.

[Anonymous]

To paraphrase Mark Twain, you should never let your schooling interfere with your education.

[Anonymous]

My friend (she is religious) made a similar statement so I said. I though God came first.

She said, "Of course, God then School"
I said, "How about family? Before or after school?"
She said, "Of course, God then family then school. But school before athletics"
I said, "What about emotional well being?" "Does that come before or after school?"
She said, "Okay, I get it school does not come first".

Then we drank wine... but she is my real friend not a stranger making a rude comment. Her comment is rude and based on the fact she is pissed that a B student will get into the same school with athletics that her child will need an A+ to get into. She is insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend (she is religious) made a similar statement so I said. I though God came first.

She said, "Of course, God then School"
I said, "How about family? Before or after school?"
She said, "Of course, God then family then school. But school before athletics"
I said, "What about emotional well being?" "Does that come before or after school?"
She said, "Okay, I get it school does not come first".

Then we drank wine... but she is my real friend not a stranger making a rude comment. Her comment is rude and based on the fact she is pissed that a B student will get into the same school with athletics that her child will need an A+ to get into. She is insecure.

OP here. We could so be friends. Love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend (she is religious) made a similar statement so I said. I though God came first.

She said, "Of course, God then School"
I said, "How about family? Before or after school?"
She said, "Of course, God then family then school. But school before athletics"
I said, "What about emotional well being?" "Does that come before or after school?"
She said, "Okay, I get it school does not come first".

Then we drank wine... but she is my real friend not a stranger making a rude comment. Her comment is rude and based on the fact she is pissed that a B student will get into the same school with athletics that her child will need an A+ to get into. She is insecure.

OP here. We could so be friends. Love it!

Some people are just too serious (especially around here), be her levity. We could be friends... we can start a support group... It's not like we don't pray for rain so we can go do more SAT prep.... haha you know I mean drink more wine.

Enjoy the weekend!

[Anonymous]

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. I'd probably respond with, "far out," or some such conversational filler and sip my coffee.

[Anonymous]

I think you've gotten some great advice already. My boys don't play travel (they're good but not that good and we also couldn't afford it) but they love sports and it brings them so much joy. Through sports, they socialize with their peers, learn teamwork and discipline. I often here comments along the lines of school comes first from family members and other parents at school. While school is very important to us, my kids aren't going to the Ivy leagues. I won't make their entire childhood about school. Sports are fun for them. They're a stress reliever. There is such an intense look of pleasure on their faces when they're playing and talking about playing that I know that I'm doing the right thing for my kids.

I've had people say "you know they aren't going to pros". Yea, I know! That has nothing to do with why my kids play.

[Anonymous]

Well she has good values and you don't. She's trying to clue you in to what's really important. If you don't want to hear that you should seek out another friend.