Losing patience with a difficult ex; disengage or keep trying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for these replies. Seems that the consensus is to stop reaching out to him, which is my thought as well. And that's heartbreaking for our DS.

To the poster who stated I'm asking a lot from him, am I? I've never sought child support, asked him to do any overnights, or created drama. I understand your point; he didn't ask to be a father. But I didn't ask to be a mom in the way that this happened, and DS is a blessing. Truly. And in life, when two adults decide to sleep together, babies are a possibility. Our responsibility in DS's birth is completely shared, which is why I believe we share responsibility for DS's emotional health. I am happy to take on everything else. But the kid needs his Dad. It pains me that my ex can't even do that, for a healthy child, with no special needs, who's a joy to be around (that is not a statement denigrating special needs children; I mention it only because those parents have huge extra responsibilities).

It just couldn't be easier. Except to him (ex), it's not. Now that DS is 3, I'm considering starting dating again, I'd really like this boy to have a good man in his life. I'd like that for myself as well. I guess we'll see.

OP, you cannot force someone to behave like a father any more than you can legislate or force moral behavior. I think your ex showed you very convincingly that he has no interest in being a father. You can accept that and move on with that knowledge, or you can continue generating frustration and stress for yourself with beating your head against a brick wall.

Also note that when your child gets older, it will be easier to live with the absence of a father than with an unreliable father. It's a lot easier to deal with "who was my daddy?" question that's one and done, than with biweekly "how come daddy didn't call/didn't come/didn't visit?" Stop buying heartache for yourself and your child. Move along. You have the funds to raise him and you sound like a well balanced person. Your DS is a blessing to you but your ex does not see it that way. Accept it.

[Anonymous]

Get some therapy, some legal advice (in case as a PP mentions he meets a new girl and decides to be Superdad to impress her and then files for custody), if his other grandparents want to stay part of your DS's life - find a way to formalize that/make it happen, and find a man worthy of your time and attentions that you can also treat like a King.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get some therapy, some legal advice (in case as a PP mentions he meets a new girl and decides to be Superdad to impress her and then files for custody), if his other grandparents want to stay part of your DS's life - find a way to formalize that/make it happen, and find a man worthy of your time and attentions that you can also treat like a King.

Yes. Suddenly he'll be blaming you for not encouraging the father/son relationship. Another reason to rely on email - document everything.

[Anonymous]

OP - I did not see if you have done so, but since you indicated this ex BF has mental health issues and/or could be a bit unstable, I would legally get full custody if you have not already done so and also note that no child support was requested or offered. In that way you have full legal protection of your DC. Additionally, you may want to get legal advice on formalizing visits with ex parents or just keeping it informal so that you remain in control of what happens, especially if they have not made any overtures for continued involvement in your son's life. This fellow as you describe does not seem to be one who could add any real positive aspect to DC's life or to your own. As noted, your son is young enough to stop the contact, unless your EX really indicated a strong and consistent desire to have one.

It might be very beneficial to you to see a counselor a few times to get feedback on your feelings about what you have tried to do to establish a father/son bond, support that it is time to let that go in the past and help to build confidence in your plan and desire to move forward for a life of your own, too. You have rightly focused on being Mom for the last three years, but it is time for the well being of both you and DC to make time to cultivate your own friendships, both male and female, away from DC. If a relationship follows that can only be a wonderful new dimension to your life. You are fortunate that you are in a financial position to raise your son. Put some money into finding a reliable sitter so you can spread your wings a bit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I knew something was wrong with you when you didn't ask for something that you are legally entitled too, i.e. child support. Your special needs comment only bears that out. You chose to have premarital sex and it bit you in the ass. If you truly felt that children need dads, you would have lived accordingly. I'd be willing to chalk an opps pregnancy to a bad decision, but it seems you've learned nothing, about compassion, about the law, and how to conduct yourself like a lady. Your post is current information about yourself not rehashing the past. From where I sit, you and your ex deserved each other. It's too bad your child has to suffer with an absent father and a cruel mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I knew something was wrong with you when you didn't ask for something that you are legally entitled too, i.e. child support. Your special needs comment only bears that out. You chose to have premarital sex and it bit you in the ass. If you truly felt that children need dads, you would have lived accordingly. I'd be willing to chalk an opps pregnancy to a bad decision, but it seems you've learned nothing, about compassion, about the law, and how to conduct yourself like a lady. Your post is current information about yourself not rehashing the past. From where I sit, you and your ex deserved each other. It's too bad your child has to suffer with an absent father and a cruel mother

Huh...

I have three beautiful nephews who are exceptionally bright, kind, loving, and athletic and their dad wants nothing to do with them.

I would often look at them when they were in full on "boy" mode horsing around and just having so much fun and think wow.. what kind of person walks away from his kids... turns his back on his flesh and blood. I mean regardless of the circumstances... married/wanted or not... able bodied or not.

I often wondered how could it be that their dad could be so blind to his blessings (3 healthy, smart, beautiful sons). Hey be a Disney dad if that is all you are capable of. If nothing else just show up for the fun stuff but how can you just not show up.

OP doesn't sound cruel in the slightest. Presumably she shows up every day and gives it all she has.. and not just for the fun stuff. Where did that come from? Because you think she slighted special needs kids. Try a little nuance. Give her a break.

[Anonymous]

I would go dark before the child is old enough to know what he is missing, or to feel the disappointments that clearly are already lined up in his future, regarding his father.

Give contact details to the grandparents - and maybe even stay in touch with visits, but drop the dead beat dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I knew something was wrong with you when you didn't ask for something that you are legally entitled too, i.e. child support. Your special needs comment only bears that out. You chose to have premarital sex and it bit you in the ass. If you truly felt that children need dads, you would have lived accordingly. I'd be willing to chalk an opps pregnancy to a bad decision, but it seems you've learned nothing, about compassion, about the law, and how to conduct yourself like a lady. Your post is current information about yourself not rehashing the past. From where I sit, you and your ex deserved each other. It's too bad your child has to suffer with an absent father and a cruel mother

Are you for real? Or a 1950's cliche?

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need therapy.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same position as you OP. I still attempt to take my DC to visit her dad. I don't need her accusing me of keeping her away from him when she gets older. If I didn't take her, he most likely wouldn't visit (he lives halfway across the country). The visits are enough for her even though they are infrequent (maybe 1-2 times per year for a few days).

[Anonymous]

I am/was in a similar situation OP. I finally decided late last year to go completely dark. It was affecting my mental health to the point I would get so upset and angry when he wouldn't visit his daughter. I have since realized you can't make someone do what you want them to do. My ex has seen our daughter twice this year. Once in January and once last month. He lives less than 30 minutes away so distance isn't an issue. He doesn't financially support her even though child support is in place. He is behind over 10,000 dollars. Just like you I am someone who is not interested in the money. I am very financially stable. So I finally decided if he wants to see or talk to her then he has to reach out. I no longer reach out to him. It has helped so much. I feel like a new woman in the past 5 months.

[Anonymous]

The family court will destroy what you have right now. You can force him be a father and mom to your child and continue to promote a relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd discuss it with a family therapist knowledgeable about divorce/child visitation/etc. And make a plan going forward that is in the best interests of your son's emotional well being.

I'd try what PP suggested. See if therapist has any suggestions.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all 2 pages but this is what I've learned by being in the same position you are right now.

My ex was involved until his new wife came along. Then not at all. I guess the smell of new pussy takes precedence over his DD. She was 8 when he basically fell away with minimal contact. Emotionally, that was devastating on her. It was then that I'd filed for CS. I didn't need it either but I was smart enough to realize I can't predict what my financial abilities would be like like later. It's better to have it than not at all. I put it in a separate account for her and turned a portion over to her when she turned 16 for a car. The rest is in reserve for college.

We did go to counseling because she started withdrawing from everyone and seemed depressed. It came out that she missed her dad and the relationship they used to have.

It's better that he leave now than later. It's better your DS never know him than get attached and feel the loss. You can't MAKE this man be a parent. Even if you could - do you want him to be a Dad under force or do you want him to be a Dad under desire? A Dad under force won't be a positive influence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's his responsibility to have a relationship with his child[u], you cannot make that happen. You should have a set visitation schedule, typically at that age what is best for the child is several short visits a week to maintain continuity, but I don't know if he'll be on board with that.

I separated when my son was 18 months and he's now almost 8 and hasn't seen his dad in 4 years. It's hard to believe there are dads out there like that, but there are. And my son is doing fine despite that.

I mean this kindly, but I suggest you invest your time and energy in something that's going to be good for you.

Unfortunately our society does not teach men this value....
Our system makes it too easy for men to disappear and have zero responsibility and put raising the result of unprotected sex entirely on the woman.