Losing patience with a difficult ex; disengage or keep trying?

[Anonymous]

Our very sweet DS was a surprise for both of us; conceived at end of relationship. I wanted the child and was in a position to support DS, my family was/remains on board and helps tremendously. Ex was ambivalent about child, and as I didn't give him a vote (and he earned much less than me) I asked that he remain involved in DS's life and we'd discuss child support as time passed.

DS is 3 now. We do fine financially. Ex has, disappointingly, never stepped up, neither emotionally nor financially. This isn't a post about needing CS. I can file at any time. The question is how long do I keep reaching out. Ex has established a pattern of radio silence as I attempt to keep him in the loop about school, camp, doctor visits, etc. I have to email him to put dates on the calendar for him and DS. I visit his family a few times a year so they can see their grandchild and he won't get involved with the visits, neither to confirm nor deny that he'll join us. He'll see DS 2x/month, max, for a few hours, and makes a big deal of telling me how busy he is.

I'm hitting a wall. I've essentially never asked this guy for anything except to be a dad to a kid neither of us planned for, but is here regardless, and is a beautiful, great kid. I'm raising him alone and working full time and ex feels entitled to rattle off his schedule to me (I remember how much free time I had before DS and this really gets under my skin), as well as be unreliable and absent.

I know some of you will tell me to file for CS and call it a day, but I'll be honest; he's a pretty emotionally unhealthy, manipulative person, and CS will complicate things down the road re: parenting decisions I may need to make. This isn't about limiting their time together. I want them to spend time together. I don't want to give him leverage I'm certain he'll use at DS's expense.

To be clear, this isn't a guy I want to be personally involved with. But, given that I chose to go forward with this pregnancy, I feel an obligation to my son to keep the two of them connected, despite ex's lack of efforts. I'm losing patience however, and wondering if I should just go dark. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Go dark.

[Anonymous]

I'd discuss it with a family therapist knowledgeable about divorce/child visitation/etc. And make a plan going forward that is in the best interests of your son's emotional well being.

[Anonymous]

It's his responsibility to have a relationship with his child, you cannot make that happen. You should have a set visitation schedule, typically at that age what is best for the child is several short visits a week to maintain continuity, but I don't know if he'll be on board with that.

I separated when my son was 18 months and he's now almost 8 and hasn't seen his dad in 4 years. It's hard to believe there are dads out there like that, but there are. And my son is doing fine despite that.

I mean this kindly, but I suggest you invest your time and energy in something that's going to be good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our very sweet DS was a surprise for both of us; conceived at end of relationship. I wanted the child and was in a position to support DS, my family was/remains on board and helps tremendously. Ex was ambivalent about child, and as I didn't give him a vote (and he earned much less than me) I asked that he remain involved in DS's life and we'd discuss child support as time passed.

I'm sorry to say, but it appears that your ex did not want to have the child and is now living accordingly. He was ambivalent and you went ahead with it (totally fine, of course). But you cannot expect the father to have some kind of change of heart now. In essence, he gave you his answer three years ago. Keep your child in touch with the paternal side of his family if they wish to have a relationship with him, but you're not going to change your ex's perspective on this, so I'd stop trying.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

Your son is still young enough not to be too emotionally devastated by an absentee dad - that is, a dad that comes and goes as HE pleases. I don't think the father is going to have some big revelation and say, "Gee, I'd better step up and be present in my child's life." How will this manifest? Dad forgetting birthdays, cancelling weekends at the last minute, etc? I imagine so.

Cut the guy off. He has done nothing to deserve the love of this sweet child. If his family's interested, keep them involved. I just foresee a lifetime of heartache for your kid if you keep being persistent in keeping the ex involved. Either he steps up, or he doesn't - do you always want to be after him like this?

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Stop. If he wants contact, he and you are obviously willing and supportive, he knows where to find you. Keep family involved and when he's ready to be a dad, its up to him to step up. I wouldn't go after child support if you are ok. Not worth the drama.

[Anonymous]

I would make sure that he always has your contact information and knows that the door is open if/when he desires to have a relationship with his child.

If you don't desire the complications that come with child support, let that sleeping dog lie. You can change your mind whenever you want (or need) the CS.

Don't worry about reaching out to him on important topics if he hasn't shown an interest. I would send him a kind note letting him know that you are going to make sure that he has your contact information and that he is welcome to participate in his child's life. Tell him know that he should feel free to contact you for information regarding his child. Then unless there is an emergency (hospitalization for something serious), let him reach out to you. Stop contacting him for input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our very sweet DS was a surprise for both of us; conceived at end of relationship. I wanted the child and was in a position to support DS, my family was/remains on board and helps tremendously. Ex was ambivalent about child, and as I didn't give him a vote (and he earned much less than me) I asked that he remain involved in DS's life and we'd discuss child support as time passed.

DS is 3 now. We do fine financially. Ex has, disappointingly, never stepped up, neither emotionally nor financially. This isn't a post about needing CS. I can file at any time. The question is how long do I keep reaching out. Ex has established a pattern of radio silence as I attempt to keep him in the loop about school, camp, doctor visits, etc. I have to email him to put dates on the calendar for him and DS. I visit his family a few times a year so they can see their grandchild and he won't get involved with the visits, neither to confirm nor deny that he'll join us. He'll see DS 2x/month, max, for a few hours, and makes a big deal of telling me how busy he is.

I'm hitting a wall. I've essentially never asked this guy for anything except to be a dad to a kid neither of us planned for, but is here regardless, and is a beautiful, great kid. I'm raising him alone and working full time and ex feels entitled to rattle off his schedule to me (I remember how much free time I had before DS and this really gets under my skin), as well as be unreliable and absent.

I know some of you will tell me to file for CS and call it a day, but I'll be honest; he's a pretty emotionally unhealthy, manipulative person, and CS will complicate things down the road re: parenting decisions I may need to make. This isn't about limiting their time together. I want them to spend time together. I don't want to give him leverage I'm certain he'll use at DS's expense.

To be clear, this isn't a guy I want to be personally involved with. But, given that I chose to go forward with this pregnancy, I feel an obligation to my son to keep the two of them connected, despite ex's lack of efforts. I'm losing patience however, and wondering if I should just go dark. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

You are asking a lot from someone who did not want a baby. Seems like he was just too chickenshit to say it at the time.

Keep in touch with his family and stop contacting him. I would ask him to make sure his contact info is up to date in the event your DS wants to contact him at any point.

[Anonymous]

OP you might consider sending an email to ex laying out the efforts you have been making, ex's responses (or lack thereof), that you'd like them to have a relationship but you can't go all the heavy lifting, and that ex is more than welcome to set up a regular visitation schedule if he'd like but that you won't try force it anymore. Not that it will change his behavior but it's worth having documented incase years down the road, ex tries to make your life difficult and sue for custody or something (may be unlikely but I don't know if your ex would try to pull that for some reason). Anyway, it's hard to prove or disprove behaviors to a judge but if you have proof that you carefully laid out your efforts and ex's options, it could help show your side of the story. Just a thought. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd stop trying with this guy and concentrate on finding good male role models for your son. You could end up marrying someone who is a good stepfather to him. Your father/brother/male friends can help fill the gap. Then there are teachers and coaches once he's in school.

Your ex didn't want a kid - he's being consistent with that position. And frankly, if he's unhealthy and manipulative, you should be glad he won't be around your son or you. I have friends dealing with coparents who are like that, and they have a lot of stress.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for these replies. Seems that the consensus is to stop reaching out to him, which is my thought as well. And that's heartbreaking for our DS.

To the poster who stated I'm asking a lot from him, am I? I've never sought child support, asked him to do any overnights, or created drama. I understand your point; he didn't ask to be a father. But I didn't ask to be a mom in the way that this happened, and DS is a blessing. Truly. And in life, when two adults decide to sleep together, babies are a possibility. Our responsibility in DS's birth is completely shared, which is why I believe we share responsibility for DS's emotional health. I am happy to take on everything else. But the kid needs his Dad. It pains me that my ex can't even do that, for a healthy child, with no special needs, who's a joy to be around (that is not a statement denigrating special needs children; I mention it only because those parents have huge extra responsibilities).

It just couldn't be easier. Except to him (ex), it's not. Now that DS is 3, I'm considering starting dating again, I'd really like this boy to have a good man in his life. I'd like that for myself as well. I guess we'll see.

[Anonymous]

I would also limit communication to email. No phone conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for these replies. Seems that the consensus is to stop reaching out to him, which is my thought as well. And that's heartbreaking for our DS.

To the poster who stated I'm asking a lot from him, am I? I've never sought child support, asked him to do any overnights, or created drama. I understand your point; he didn't ask to be a father. But I didn't ask to be a mom in the way that this happened, and DS is a blessing. Truly. And in life, when two adults decide to sleep together, babies are a possibility. Our responsibility in DS's birth is completely shared, which is why I believe we share responsibility for DS's emotional health. I am happy to take on everything else. But the kid needs his Dad. It pains me that my ex can't even do that, for a healthy child, with no special needs, who's a joy to be around (that is not a statement denigrating special needs children; I mention it only because those parents have huge extra responsibilities).

It just couldn't be easier. Except to him (ex), it's not. Now that DS is 3, I'm considering starting dating again, I'd really like this boy to have a good man in his life. I'd like that for myself as well. I guess we'll see.

I'm the PP who said you were asking a lot. He didn't want a kid, you admitted that you gave him no choice in deciding whether to continue the pregnancy, etc.

And YES, I get everything you just said, including the part about two adults sleeping together (and I am the child of a single mother, who did exactly what you did - I *really* get it). That is great in theory, but rarely works in real life. You made a unilateral decision to keep the baby, and now you are solely responsible for your child. My father has never made any sort of sacrifice for me (money, time, etc). It is clear that he is willing to do whatever doesn't put him out. My mom didn't ever marry - sometimes I wish she had found a GREAT guy for HER and somewhat selfishly, for me.

[Anonymous]

It is true that most kids benefit from having two parents -- but, in the strictest sense, they don't NEED two parents. It sounds more like you WISH he had a father that cared about him. I can relate to that. You sound a little resentful that he isn't the parent that you had hoped for. Whether you are married or not, this is often the case.

I suggest that you consider some therapy for yourself to help wrap your head around these issues. You'll be a happier person and feel less of a need to compensate for a missing father. Go out and date! Live your life and find happiness.