Women - how do you deal with a female supervisor who is jealous of/intimidated by you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have had do deal this with this issue before. Just as PP mentioned, it's DC, not you.

Document, document, document. Network like crazy and find something new. Things will not improve.

[Anonymous]

OP, in your next 1:1 conversation with your boss, I would bring it up. Say that you would appreciate more of her support for your ideas publicly, because it comes across as you are being corrected in public when she challenges your idea in a group. Mention that you would rather have criticism in private either before or after public meetings.

Tell her you are trying to work on your "executive presence" and ask for her advice on how you both can make you more successful in meetings.

I'm not saying she's not jealous of you, but maybe she's frustrated with you suggesting ideas that don't make sense, or hasn't thought about how what's she's doing is perceived.

I'm not saying she's not difficult, but at least try to tactfully address the problem with her head-on and from a professional enrichment perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have had do deal this with this issue before. Just as PP mentioned, it's DC, not you.

Document, document, document. Network like crazy and find something new. Things will not improve.

I'm very curious why two PPs have said "it's DC." What does this mean? Do multiple people really feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, in your next 1:1 conversation with your boss, I would bring it up. Say that you would appreciate more of her support for your ideas publicly, because it comes across as you are being corrected in public when she challenges your idea in a group. Mention that you would rather have criticism in private either before or after public meetings.

Tell her you are trying to work on your "executive presence" and ask for her advice on how you both can make you more successful in meetings.

I'm not saying she's not jealous of you, but maybe she's frustrated with you suggesting ideas that don't make sense, or hasn't thought about how what's she's doing is perceived.

I'm not saying she's not difficult, but at least try to tactfully address the problem with her head-on and from a professional enrichment perspective.

NP here. I think that this is bad advice. If you take a tone that you would prefer criticism in private, then I think that it could come across as aggressive or put her on the defensive. Or, worse, she could use it against you and suggest that you can't take criticism in your next performance evaluation.

A better approach might be to preempt the public criticism by running things by her via email *before* meetings or *before* bringing them up in group settings. Get her reaction in email and then when it comes time for the meeting and you raise a point, say "As So and So and I discussed..." with So and So being the supervisor who criticizes.

It's also possible that OP is reading the situation wrong. Maybe the supervisor feels like OP is constantly challenging her by bringing up stuff at meetings or in public before or without discussing it with the supervisor. It all depends on context, but if I were a supervisor and I felt like someone under me *never* came to me with ideas/suggestions or critical information and instead waited to meetings to bring it up, I'd get the sense that that employee was trying to undermine me in some way or was gunning for my job.

There's an appropriate way to bring up ideas/suggestions. If you have a supervisor, these things should be run by the supervisor. It shouldn't always be the case that the first time the supervisor ever hears about this stuff is in a group meeting. Even if OP only did this a few times, it would be enough for the supervisor to label OP as a problem and then view everything OP says through that lens.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To respond to 13:19, in the beginning I would initially try to run things by her 1:1. Over time I realized that she never wants to talk to me about work stuff. She has plenty of time to talk about her personal life to everyone but she is always putting off or shooting down important work related things that need to be discussed, especially when brought up by me.

Before when I would try to talk to her 1:1, she would either 1) stop me mid-sentence to push me off on to someone else (that person would later tell me that they can't make a decision or do anything for me without her approval, so it was really a pointless exercise), or 2) she rejects whatever I am saying right there, or 3) says she is too busy to even think about it, most of the time without even knowing why I am trying to talk to her. Also I was not bringing stuff up to her 1:1 that often that it could be disruptive, just on an occasional basis.

I honestly feel like she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. I feel like she'd be happy if I never spoke to her about work (and I'm not a loudmouth by any means) and if all info from me was funneled to her by other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to 13:19, in the beginning I would initially try to run things by her 1:1. Over time I realized that she never wants to talk to me about work stuff. She has plenty of time to talk about her personal life to everyone but she is always putting off or shooting down important work related things that need to be discussed, especially when brought up by me.

Before when I would try to talk to her 1:1, she would either 1) stop me mid-sentence to push me off on to someone else (that person would later tell me that they can't make a decision or do anything for me without her approval, so it was really a pointless exercise), or 2) she rejects whatever I am saying right there, or 3) says she is too busy to even think about it, most of the time without even knowing why I am trying to talk to her. Also I was not bringing stuff up to her 1:1 that often that it could be disruptive, just on an occasional basis.

I honestly feel like she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. I feel like she'd be happy if I never spoke to her about work (and I'm not a loudmouth by any means) and if all info from me was funneled to her by other people.

13:19 here. It sounds like you brought things up verbally. It is sometimes better to make suggestions or bring up issues/ideas via email. Keep it direct and to the point. It gives the supervisor an opportunity to read at his/her convenience, consider what is being suggestion, and respond at his/her convenience.

If I were you, I would try that.

The way you describe her, it sounds like you actually have some issues with her. And I wouldn't be shocked if this is apparent to her. I could be wrong about that.

It also sounds like maybe your entire work environment is problematic. Your supervisor is discussing a lot of personal stuff with other coworkers. Your coworkers are discussing your supervisor with you. I don't know. It sounds catty and unprofessional. I'm not saying it's you (it's difficult to know if you are reflecting what's around you or if you are participating in it). But I probably would try to get out of that environment.

If that's not an option, you need to completely re-invent yourself and how you deal with your coworkers and boss. Maybe lay low for a while. Just do your work. If you need to communicate information to this woman, do it via email. And be strategic about what you say in meetings. You don't have to constantly give input. Maybe you need to hold back for a little while until you can re-establish a professional relationship with the supervisor. Be polite and cordial. Keep communication targeted and succinct.

And most importantly, you need to drop this attitude that your supervisor is jealous of you. It's possible she doesn't like you. But it sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder. And if that in any way shows through in the workplace, then that's part of the problem.

If you have something you need to discuss verbally with her, then try to schedule a meeting with just her. Start off with, "I know you've got a full schedule, but is there any way we could schedule 15 minutes to go over some things." Give the impression that you recognize her time is valuable/limited.

Give it a few months. But if you want to stay in that job, you need to reshape your relationship with her. And you aren't going to do that if you approach her as a jealous divorcee. It's unclear who is telling you she is jealous of you. I mean, you came back and said you weren't discussing it with your coworkers. But it sounded like you were back-pedaling. Not to mention, if the people telling you she's jealous aren't people who actually have observed how she is around you, then they really have no basis for that claim. Regardless, you need to stop getting professional advice from the ones saying she's just jealous/intimidated. A) It's not really an assumption you can make because there could be any number of reasons she treats you the way she does (like that she isn't jealous at all but sees you as a schemer who is angling to undermine her) and (B) It's not a useless assumption -- speculating about whether or not she is jealous of you really doesn't help you figure out a solution.

You also haven't given a few key details. How long has this woman been your supervisor? Has she always treated you like this? Have there been any performance evaluations? Has she ever done anything to actually impact you negatively, or is your beef with her just that she seems dismissive of your ideas? How long have you been in that job? If you are new there and are coming in with a ton of suggestions, people might not take you seriously because you haven't been there long enough to both fully understand the ins and outs and to have built up the reputation to give your suggestions/ideas weight.

[Anonymous]

that should read "B) It IS a useless assumption."

[Anonymous]

OP, I am willing to bet that this is not about your supervisor being jealous or intimidated by you. (Which, incidentally, is the standard response most of us give to our friends when another woman doesn't like her -- "Oh, she's just jealous of you!" -- so I'd take what your co-workers say with a grain of salt). Your supervisor might find you annoying or lacking in your abilities/work ethic/etc. If you are giving suggestions and input constantly, I'd find that annoying, too, if I were her. Your constant input might be perceived as you trying to outsmart her or undermine her authority. You might think you're a great worker and a "go-getter" but maybe you come across as being over-eager and full of yourself. So take a step back to take an honest look at yourself to see if any of this might be true. In the meantime, try laying low for a while to see if her behavior towards you changes.

[Anonymous]

Would she happen to be young or ethnic? I had this HORRIBLE female african american boss who was young and a total bitch. You could not say no to her without her putting on her bitch face and looking down on you. She played favorites a lot (her favorites were those who were slaves to the company and were submissive). Even though I worked hard and did my job well she NEVER gave me praise not even for staying up til 8pm sometimes to finish work left over by her favorite employees. Her pet dog (my supervisor) started out liking me when she hired me but when she found out that bitch didn't like me she got on my ass very quickly and made work hell for me. I suggest to get out ASAP before it reeks damage to your mental and physical health!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would she happen to be young or ethnic? I had this HORRIBLE female african american boss who was young and a total bitch. You could not say no to her without her putting on her bitch face and looking down on you. She played favorites a lot (her favorites were those who were slaves to the company and were submissive). Even though I worked hard and did my job well she NEVER gave me praise not even for staying up til 8pm sometimes to finish work left over by her favorite employees. Her pet dog (my supervisor) started out liking me when she hired me but when she found out that bitch didn't like me she got on my ass very quickly and made work hell for me. I suggest to get out ASAP before it reeks damage to your mental and physical health!

And to add insult to injury she got promoted! and is now making 6 figures because everyone incuding me were afraid to rat on her unprofessionalism to the white higher ups ( an older white lady who never stopped by or arranged meetings to see how we were doing).

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been in a similar situation. It may not be 100% jealousy/intimidation, but let's be honest -- women get mad about those kinds of things and let it influence how we act sometimes. So maybe it is partially that, and maybe it is that she thinks your go-getterness is stepping on her toes.

Your choices are:

1. accept that she is your supervisor. Transform yourself into whatever she wants you to be. This is likely something that you would think of as submissive, but she thinks of as polite subordinate.

2. Leave.

I vote #2. Don't hide your light under a bushel -- let it shine! But, shine elsewhere, because she will make your life difficult every day. It is a slow painful burn. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation, only that she is not my boss, but this one is between me and my boss. She is wo(man) Friday to him. He is very smart but he trumps everyone in our team as to how he lets this dumbo bully us. She is incredibly stupid and still gets to bully us.....god bless them both ...I am suffering for sure...and I do not deserve this....!!!

[Anonymous]

Op I've been in your shoes, with coworkers telling me that a more senior woman felt threatened by me. She was 20 years older than me and had always been the closest to the even older male boss. Soon after I was hired he kept coming to me for ideas instead of her. We had different expertise, but mine was more closely aligned to that of the big boss and hers was more in admin.

The hardest part was that we were leading up different teams, and I needed her collaboration at the end of my projects to make them successful. I think I stayed in that toxic environment for far too long, and it may have hurt my career. One time after she literally screamed at me in public, I went to big boss to say that this was unacceptable. He sighed and said yeah she's a pain in the rear. I'll talk to her. But all that did was make everything more passive aggressive. Big boss relied on her too much to make a change, even though she alienated me and several other young staff who would dare to speak up at meetings.

No great advice. Just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would she happen to be young or ethnic? I had this HORRIBLE female african american boss who was young and a total bitch. You could not say no to her without her putting on her bitch face and looking down on you. She played favorites a lot (her favorites were those who were slaves to the company and were submissive). Even though I worked hard and did my job well she NEVER gave me praise not even for staying up til 8pm sometimes to finish work left over by her favorite employees. Her pet dog (my supervisor) started out liking me when she hired me but when she found out that bitch didn't like me she got on my ass very quickly and made work hell for me. I suggest to get out ASAP before it reeks damage to your mental and physical health!

If you think this is specific to "ethnic" or women, you are sadly mistaken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I've been in your shoes, with coworkers telling me that a more senior woman felt threatened by me. She was 20 years older than me and had always been the closest to the even older male boss. Soon after I was hired he kept coming to me for ideas instead of her. We had different expertise, but mine was more closely aligned to that of the big boss and hers was more in admin.

The hardest part was that we were leading up different teams, and I needed her collaboration at the end of my projects to make them successful. I think I stayed in that toxic environment for far too long, and it may have hurt my career. One time after she literally screamed at me in public, I went to big boss to say that this was unacceptable. He sighed and said yeah she's a pain in the rear. I'll talk to her. But all that did was make everything more passive aggressive. Big boss relied on her too much to make a change, even though she alienated me and several other young staff who would dare to speak up at meetings.

No great advice. Just commiseration.

I've had bosses like you describe -- male bosses. Some people are easily threatened and difficult to work with. But I get really tired of this idea that if it happens to be a bad female boss, then it *must* be because she's unattractive and is jealous of the younger employee.

Nothing in your post suggests that it had to do with age or with sex or even with you in particular. Even the male boss said she's a pain, which indicates that she was likely difficult with MALE employees as well. She probably was just more difficult with the younger, less senior employees because it was easier to get away with it -- not because she was jealous of younger women.

I think that if we perpetuate this idea that difficult female bosses are difficult because they're jealous, then we're only hurting ourselves. Male bosses can be difficult, too. They can do all the same things OP posts and PP posts. It has nothing to do with sex/gender. It just has to do with difficult personalities.