Women - how do you deal with a female supervisor who is jealous of/intimidated by you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would she happen to be young or ethnic? I had this HORRIBLE female african american boss who was young and a total bitch. You could not say no to her without her putting on her bitch face and looking down on you. She played favorites a lot (her favorites were those who were slaves to the company and were submissive). Even though I worked hard and did my job well she NEVER gave me praise not even for staying up til 8pm sometimes to finish work left over by her favorite employees. Her pet dog (my supervisor) started out liking me when she hired me but when she found out that bitch didn't like me she got on my ass very quickly and made work hell for me. I suggest to get out ASAP before it reeks damage to your mental and physical health!

If you think this is specific to "ethnic" or women, you are sadly mistaken.

I thought maybe me and OP had the same boss. But I have had only trouble with young female bosses under 40 of any race and my worst boss ever was the young black woman mentioned above who gave more preference to african american workers and was very mean, fake, and she called herself the biggest jerk and she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For starters, I wouldn't necessarily agree with those "close to you" that she's jealous. Maybe she just doesn't like you for reasons that have nothing to do with your *koff* enviable position as a young, intelligent, attractive, married woman, as opposed to a old, ugly, divorcee.

I think there's a good possibility that you're socially a bit more tone-deaf than you think you are. If you see yourself as a winner because of your youth/beauty/marriage and her as a loser because of same, chances are it's coming through in the way you act towards her.

Find a different job.

Pp, thanks for putting into words what made me feel uneasy about OP's post. Possibly the supervisor is jealous but OP sounds a little too gleeful about that part.

[Anonymous]

OP, forget EVERYTHING that you've heard on this blog. If you have an insecure boss, find another job. All of the talking, befriending bullshit will not get you far. Insecure/jealous women are the death nell.

I've had 14 jobs since college. I head an agency now. So glad I made all of those moves. I learned a long time ago - if your supervisor has it in for you, she will win. Move on. You'll find a better job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I've been in your shoes, with coworkers telling me that a more senior woman felt threatened by me. She was 20 years older than me and had always been the closest to the even older male boss. Soon after I was hired he kept coming to me for ideas instead of her. We had different expertise, but mine was more closely aligned to that of the big boss and hers was more in admin.

The hardest part was that we were leading up different teams, and I needed her collaboration at the end of my projects to make them successful. I think I stayed in that toxic environment for far too long, and it may have hurt my career. One time after she literally screamed at me in public, I went to big boss to say that this was unacceptable. He sighed and said yeah she's a pain in the rear. I'll talk to her. But all that did was make everything more passive aggressive. Big boss relied on her too much to make a change, even though she alienated me and several other young staff who would dare to speak up at meetings.

No great advice. Just commiseration.

I've had bosses like you describe -- male bosses. Some people are easily threatened and difficult to work with. But I get really tired of this idea that if it happens to be a bad female boss, then it *must* be because she's unattractive and is jealous of the younger employee.

Nothing in your post suggests that it had to do with age or with sex or even with you in particular. Even the male boss said she's a pain, which indicates that she was likely difficult with MALE employees as well. She probably was just more difficult with the younger, less senior employees because it was easier to get away with it -- not because she was jealous of younger women.

I think that if we perpetuate this idea that difficult female bosses are difficult because they're jealous, then we're only hurting ourselves. Male bosses can be difficult, too. They can do all the same things OP posts and PP posts. It has nothing to do with sex/gender. It just has to do with difficult personalities.

I'm the pp you quoted. I guess it's not necessarily a female thing, and I'm not particularly attractive, so I'm not working that angle. She just happened to not act this way toward males. She also seemed happy for the men in our office but seemed extra mean to me and other women after we had children. She made sure we knew the she "never had time to have children since there was so much work to do at the office." But that's a whole other story!

[Anonymous]

I don't know why women are always trying to beat each other down and I can't believe there are guys that marry these kind of women!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have had do deal this with this issue before. Just as PP mentioned, it's DC, not you.

Document, document, document. Network like crazy and find something new. Things will not improve.

I have been here, too. It will never improve. I was one of the hardest workers on my team (I can honestly say I was probably the hardest worker on my team) and consistently got amazing feedback from stakeholders, but was the only member of my team not to get a promotion for a total BS reason after I had delivered in a big way on a major project. I was honestly shocked by the justification I was given by my supervisor as it was utterly petty and absurd. She just did not like me for reasons I still don't understand. Found a new job in the same field but with supportive supervisors. I am much, much happier and have received lots of recognition - multiple awards and bonuses - but the way my boss treated me you'd have thought I was horrible at my job. Nothing I could have done would have made this woman happy.

I think not all women are like this - I briefly had a really good female supervisor - but I have never encountered the unbelievable level of petty BS that I did as a female when the two next people in my chain of command were women.

[Anonymous]

I'm not saying it is your fault, but examine the dynamic between the two of you. Are you a good employee or an A-hole who is immediately going to jump to the assumption that the reason someone doesn't care for your ideas is because they are jealous of you? Is that the only reason someone doesn't support you?

[Anonymous]

First off, women absolutely can be extremely competitive about looks, marriage etc.

My main advice would be to discuss this in a polite but direct fashion. Can you sit down with her and tell her you want to talk so you can work on improving things at the office? Tell her you feel unfairly treated and you want to understand why. Tell her you believe it is because you're a woman which makes you sad. Tell her you don't see a future in a place where the cards are stacked against you. Tell her you can take notes on what it is you need to work on.

If she can't give you specific examples then you have your answer.

Regardless, get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, women absolutely can be extremely competitive about looks, marriage etc.

My main advice would be to discuss this in a polite but direct fashion. Can you sit down with her and tell her you want to talk so you can work on improving things at the office? Tell her you feel unfairly treated and you want to understand why. Tell her you believe it is because you're a woman which makes you sad. Tell her you don't see a future in a place where the cards are stacked against you. Tell her you can take notes on what it is you need to work on.

If she can't give you specific examples then you have your answer.

Regardless, get out.

This is horrible advice. If she is against you, approaching her will make it worse. If she is not against you, approaching her (and saying what PPs say) will make her think you have a chip on your shoulder or you are petty.

I'm usually about calling someone out (in my personal life), but in the workplace (especially when the someone is a manager), I think it always backfires. I've learned that if you are at the point where you feel you need to call a manager out, then it's time to leave (especially if said manager isn't likely going anywhere in the near future).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been in a similar situation. It may not be 100% jealousy/intimidation, but let's be honest -- women get mad about those kinds of things and let it influence how we act sometimes. So maybe it is partially that, and maybe it is that she thinks your go-getterness is stepping on her toes.

Your choices are:

1. accept that she is your supervisor. Transform yourself into whatever she wants you to be. This is likely something that you would think of as submissive, but she thinks of as polite subordinate.

2. Leave.

I vote #2. Don't hide your light under a bushel -- let it shine! But, shine elsewhere, because she will make your life difficult every day. It is a slow painful burn. BTDT.

Sadly, I’m in the same position and I am currently doing number 1 until I find a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have had do deal this with this issue before. Just as PP mentioned, it's DC, not you.

Document, document, document. Network like crazy and find something new. Things will not improve.

I'm very curious why two PPs have said "it's DC." What does this mean? Do multiple people really feel this way?

Third person, I def feel this way here (I was in nyc before and people weren’t buddie at work, but we always knew what to do coming out of a confrontation, as opposed to pure power play).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens more than you think. Find a new job. You will never please her.

+1

This happened to me with a younger woman at my last job who perceived me as a rival and always tried to run me off the road with unbelievablely cutting remarks to my face or behind my back. It is bullying. Im so glad i no longer work there and am at a more friendly workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have had do deal this with this issue before. Just as PP mentioned, it's DC, not you.

Document, document, document. Network like crazy and find something new. Things will not improve.

I'm very curious why two PPs have said "it's DC." What does this mean? Do multiple people really feel this way?

Third person, I def feel this way here (I was in nyc before and people weren’t buddie at work, but we always knew what to do coming out of a confrontation, as opposed to pure power play).

What do people in NYC do coming out of a confrontation as opposed to DC people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It happens more than you think. Find a new job. You will never please her.

+1

This happened to me with a younger woman at my last job who perceived me as a rival and always tried to run me off the road with unbelievablely cutting remarks to my face or behind my back. It is bullying. Im so glad i no longer work there and am at a more friendly workplace.

Yeah. I only had issues with bitcyess and powerplay with my younger bosses versus older bosses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, forget EVERYTHING that you've heard on this blog. If you have an insecure boss, find another job. All of the talking, befriending bullshit will not get you far. Insecure/jealous women are the death nell.

I've had 14 jobs since college. I head an agency now. So glad I made all of those moves. I learned a long time ago - if your supervisor has it in for you, she will win. Move on. You'll find a better job.

Boom. This 100%.

Sadly, many of us have experienced a boss like OP's. Get out if you can. Alternatively, keep you head down, build your network, do a great job and wait patiently for her to fall on her face. This type of person often falls in a spectacular fashion because, well, karma.

Good luck.