Women - how do you deal with a female supervisor who is jealous of/intimidated by you?
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Anonymous
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I have a female supervisor who will take any opportunity to shoot down my suggestions or contributions. She is so consistent with this and so often directs this behavior at me that it seems obvious to me and others we work with that she has some sort of issue with me.
I will make a comment or suggestion in a meeting, something very logical and not directed at her whatsoever, literally everyone else in the meeting will concur with said comment, and she will find some non-reason to shut me down. I feel like my opinions are absolutely unvalued and since everyone else agrees that I am very competent at my job, I feel this behavior is personal on some level. Unfortunately this woman really throws her weight around and nobody stands up to her. I work hard, I care about my job and I consistently step up, and yet still she shuts me down constantly. I have learned to filter certain ideas through other people to whom she is more receptive. Others close to me have said that she is intimidated by me/jealous of me, because I am young, intelligent, fairly attractive, and happily married to a great guy, and she is older, divorced a few times and not so attractive. I don't really care what the reason is, frankly, because it doesn't change anything ... but has anyone else dealt with this in the workplace? What did you do? |
Anonymous
| How old are you? |
Anonymous
| It happens more than you think. Find a new job. You will never please her. |
Anonymous
| Read the book: How to Win Friends and Influence People. Seriously. I have used the strategies in it on the frostiest women in my office, and it works. |
Anonymous
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Are any of the colleagues that notice the behavior her peer in terms of rank? If so, I would ask if that person would mention they've noticed the behavior and find out what the root of the problem is or at least point it out so that she stops.
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Anonymous
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For starters, I wouldn't necessarily agree with those "close to you" that she's jealous. Maybe she just doesn't like you for reasons that have nothing to do with your *koff* enviable position as a young, intelligent, attractive, married woman, as opposed to a old, ugly, divorcee.
I think there's a good possibility that you're socially a bit more tone-deaf than you think you are. If you see yourself as a winner because of your youth/beauty/marriage and her as a loser because of same, chances are it's coming through in the way you act towards her. Find a different job. |
Anonymous
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I would probably first try and befriend her - take her out for coffee and find a place where we connect (everyone connects with people on some level). Try and find something you guys have that is similar.
If that doesn't work and she just doesn't like you - then you realize that people sometimes just don't like each other. When she shuts you down - ask her "Larla, I realize that my idea to open a widget store in Iowa may not be the best idea, but perhaps you can offer an alternative solution or build something on my idea where we can go from here" Third, ask her if she has a problem with you directly - maybe she does and you don't see it because you are self absorbed and can't see your own flaws. Last - get a new job. |
Anonymous
OP here - you're right. That is what others have said, but it probably has more to do with her than with me. I know some will get up in a tizzy because I mentioend the young/attractive angle; some people seem to get really annoyed when women acknowledge their own attractiveness (by the way, I don't think that I'm that great anyway, so I'm not going to respond to the inevitable accusations that I am "full of myself.") Just echoing what others have said. I see a lot of narcissistic tendencies with the supervisor. I have a good relationship with my other coworkers and some of them have told me that they are starting to get frustrated by her. She does have a stubborn, might-makes-right personality but it really rears itself in my direction constantly. |
Anonymous
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If you are complaint about it to your peers, do you truly expect them to point out flaws in your work or personality?
That was not meant to be snarky, truly. Maybe ask yourself if you think your work friends would really tell you as a team member and professional "you need to work on A,b and c" versus a friend saying "oh you know she's just jealous of you girl" kind of thing. Also, if you are communicating with coworkers who are telling you what you want to hear, your direction is misplaced. You don't report to them and the problem is not with them. You need to deal directly with your boss. Do you have any experience in this type of conflict management? |
Anonymous
| Complaint - complaining |
Anonymous
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One more thing: it only matters if your supervisor thinks you are competent, not your peers.
They can't hire, fire, promote, give/take away projects like she can. |
Anonymous
| I've encountered this a lot, and my only advice is: leave DC. It's toxic. |
Anonymous
| My male boss is like this, too, and it is absolutely envy and insecurity on his part. I'm actively looking for something new. |
Anonymous
The supervisor is the one who hired me. FWIW she says good things about me to other people, but never to my face. She doesn't usually get involved in my actual work and leaves me to it, but when we have meetings she consistently does not pay attention when I am talking (but listens to everyone else) and she will find some excuse to reject all my ideas before they are even out of my mouth. Coworkers are not the ones saying she is jealous, but others I have gone to for professional advice have said this may be the case and that they have seen it before. The coworkers notice that she shuts me down all the time. They have mentioned this to me without my asking. I think they all have their own issues with her behavior, but I find that I seem to be the one who is consistently shut down without any thought. Supervisor is the one who makes all the decisions but at least she will listen to my other coworkers. |
Anonymous
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OP, OP, OP
You need to deal with your boss. Not what your coworkers think, not what you perceive is her issue with you, not anything but focusing squarely on the issue This is not a situation to "crowd source", if you will, or ask friends about. Be careful with talking about this with coworkers. You have no idea if they are telling her what you say, or it's getting back to her through broken confidences. Your post indicates you are talking about this a lot with your peers When someone offers a suggestion, you are immediately going back to what your coworkers think Stop all that static and concentrate on 1. When 2. How 3. What Meaning when are you going to talk to your boss, how you are going to do it, and what you are going to say |