Women - how do you deal with a female supervisor who is jealous of/intimidated by you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why women are always trying to beat each other down and I can't believe there are guys that marry these kind of women!

A lot of men love this behavior. They will come out on top as long as women are busy attacking each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have had do deal this with this issue before. Just as PP mentioned, it's DC, not you.

Document, document, document. Network like crazy and find something new. Things will not improve.

I'm very curious why two PPs have said "it's DC." What does this mean? Do multiple people really feel this way?

Third person, I def feel this way here (I was in nyc before and people weren’t buddie at work, but we always knew what to do coming out of a confrontation, as opposed to pure power play).

What do people in NYC do coming out of a confrontation as opposed to DC people?

In my field, there are raised voices for a good reason, something work related is not done, money is not made, so when we have a small argument, both parties (including the MD) will understand what needs to be done - I needed to do more work, they needed more resource, ect...
In DC, I am always left scratching my head on what's the action item next. Two supervisors I had in DC never follow up on next steps even though I repeatedly ask them "does xxx and doing yyy help elevate your concern". They seem to be very happy about having a conceptual debate on what makes them unhappy, but refuse to have me address those concerns.

[Anonymous]

This is a common occurrence where you get hired by someone in DC, things are wonderful for 1 to 2 years, and then the hiring supervisor/manager starts bad-mouthing and sabotaging you.

It doesn't make sense, because in my fields there isn't a whole lot at stake (money, prestige), but it still happens over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, OP, OP
You need to deal with your boss. Not what your coworkers think, not what you perceive is her issue with you, not anything but focusing squarely on the issue
This is not a situation to "crowd source", if you will, or ask friends about.
Be careful with talking about this with coworkers. You have no idea if they are telling her what you say, or it's getting back to her through broken confidences. Your post indicates you are talking about this a lot with your peers
When someone offers a suggestion, you are immediately going back to what your coworkers think
Stop all that static and concentrate on
1. When
2. How
3. What
Meaning when are you going to talk to your boss, how you are going to do it, and what you are going to say

Yes. Most of the advice on this thread is unproductive, other than quitting which is always fine if you don’t like the job.

But even if you quit, for the love of god you need to raise this with the boss. Practice your communication skills. Make it about the work and not about how she is delivering things. Eg “in that meeting, I suggested X. It seemed like many people liked that idea. You did not. Can we revisit X? I really believe in that idea and I’d like a little more time to discuss. What are your top concerns with X?”

Choose specific times to do this, either after the moment or save it for your one on ones. And be open to the idea that you may even have things to learn/work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens more than you think. Find a new job. You will never please her.

+1

There is no overcoming this dynamic. All you can do is move on.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me SO much in my early non-profit jobs. I was a pretty, nice and smart employee and at one famous DC organization, my boss literally would put me down and scream at me in my office. I still have PTSD from that experience. I could not figure out why I was mistreated and it took me years of therapy to come to the conclusion that she may have been threatened or jealous of me.

I have also had female colleagues backstab and bully me and exclude me.

Its very hard when you feel like you have no reason to be treated this way but you never know what about you triggers peoples jealousy.

My only advice is to LEAVE NOW. DO not expose yourself to more abuse.

My career is destroyed due to people who emotionally abused me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It happens more than you think. Find a new job. You will never please her.

+1

There is no overcoming this dynamic. All you can do is move on.

+2, from experience. I went as far as telling her that it seemed that every time I brought good news, she found a way to criticize my work. "Hey, I save the client a million dollars!" "Really, that's great, but you should have ..."

Get out, it will never get better.

[Anonymous]

When I was younger (early 20s), I had a female boss turn on me for zero reason. She was going through a bad divorce and she started just criticizing me constantly very harshly. I remember saying to her in a bewildered fashion, wow I've never gotten this type of feedback before but I will work on it. And then crying in the bathroom.

I am now an old lady of 50 and it was 100 percent her and not me. Her "feedback" was bullshit.

Get a different job. Fast.

[Anonymous]

it's always woman vs woman fight

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this right now. My boss is my age but single and childless and she has it out for women with children because "they're not giving 100 percent" as in, not willing to work 80 hour weeks. She is at the point where she won't even greet me or the other mothers when we come in. I have always had stellar reviews, never come in late or call in sick, but because I don't want to work double shifts I'm worthless. (Healthcare)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a female supervisor who will take any opportunity to shoot down my suggestions or contributions. She is so consistent with this and so often directs this behavior at me that it seems obvious to me and others we work with that she has some sort of issue with me.

I will make a comment or suggestion in a meeting, something very logical and not directed at her whatsoever, literally everyone else in the meeting will concur with said comment, and she will find some non-reason to shut me down. I feel like my opinions are absolutely unvalued and since everyone else agrees that I am very competent at my job, I feel this behavior is personal on some level. Unfortunately this woman really throws her weight around and nobody stands up to her. I work hard, I care about my job and I consistently step up, and yet still she shuts me down constantly. I have learned to filter certain ideas through other people to whom she is more receptive. Others close to me have said that she is intimidated by me/jealous of me, because I am young, intelligent, fairly attractive, and happily married to a great guy, and she is older, divorced a few times and not so attractive. I don't really care what the reason is, frankly, because it doesn't change anything ... but has anyone else dealt with this in the workplace? What did you do?

This is textbook sexual harassment. Document and report to HR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me SO much in my early non-profit jobs. I was a pretty, nice and smart employee and at one famous DC organization, my boss literally would put me down and scream at me in my office. I still have PTSD from that experience. I could not figure out why I was mistreated and it took me years of therapy to come to the conclusion that she may have been threatened or jealous of me.

I have also had female colleagues backstab and bully me and exclude me.

Its very hard when you feel like you have no reason to be treated this way but you never know what about you triggers peoples jealousy.

My only advice is to LEAVE NOW. DO not expose yourself to more abuse.

My career is destroyed due to people who emotionally abused me.

This happened to me, too. I would never advise young people to work in DC nonprofits, where abuse like this is rampant and unchecked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have had do deal this with this issue before. Just as PP mentioned, it's DC, not you.

Document, document, document. Network like crazy and find something new. Things will not improve.

I'm very curious why two PPs have said "it's DC." What does this mean? Do multiple people really feel this way?

Third person, I def feel this way here (I was in nyc before and people weren’t buddie at work, but we always knew what to do coming out of a confrontation, as opposed to pure power play).

What do people in NYC do coming out of a confrontation as opposed to DC people?

In my field, there are raised voices for a good reason, something work related is not done, money is not made, so when we have a small argument, both parties (including the MD) will understand what needs to be done - I needed to do more work, they needed more resource, ect...
In DC, I am always left scratching my head on what's the action item next. Two supervisors I had in DC never follow up on next steps even though I repeatedly ask them "does xxx and doing yyy help elevate your concern". They seem to be very happy about having a conceptual debate on what makes them unhappy, but refuse to have me address those concerns.

It's because people in dc are sour. Just visit the relationship forum to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a common occurrence where you get hired by someone in DC, things are wonderful for 1 to 2 years, and then the hiring supervisor/manager starts bad-mouthing and sabotaging you.

It doesn't make sense, because in my fields there isn't a whole lot at stake (money, prestige), but it still happens over and over.

You are spot on. I couldn’t get my head around it, if you dislike my product, either tell me what exactly to do, or fire me. But it’s never this straightforward in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me SO much in my early non-profit jobs. I was a pretty, nice and smart employee and at one famous DC organization, my boss literally would put me down and scream at me in my office. I still have PTSD from that experience. I could not figure out why I was mistreated and it took me years of therapy to come to the conclusion that she may have been threatened or jealous of me.

I have also had female colleagues backstab and bully me and exclude me.

Its very hard when you feel like you have no reason to be treated this way but you never know what about you triggers peoples jealousy.

My only advice is to LEAVE NOW. DO not expose yourself to more abuse.

My career is destroyed due to people who emotionally abused me.

This happened to me, too. I would never advise young people to work in DC nonprofits, where abuse like this is rampant and unchecked.

PP here. I SO wish someone had warned me. DC non profits are an absolute snake pit in every sense of the word. The pay is poor and the jobs unstable and mostly administrative. The higher level jobs are held by unstable, abusive mean girls. There is no upward mobility, no promotions and the few jobs that open up ignite politics and competition equal to the Tudor court!

I have severe PTSD from my experience at these places. I have spent years in therapy and am presently underemployed due to the years and talent I wasted at dead-end jobs at prestigious non profits where I was abused and mistreated.

FWIW, the non profit where my senior level boss fired me was the National Geographic Society. Interestingly, she was fired 3 months after I left as management did not think she was a good fit. I saw she obtained another C suite job at another prestigious DC nonprofit. I feel like throwing up when I see her face online.