do you get sad only having one child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 1150. Snark is easy. You can catch more flies with honey....lol

We talked about adopting another, but it cost us more than $25K for the one we have (with a failed adoption in there too). Don't really have that money sitting around. DH certainly doesn't act old, but he's a realist. Once you calculate the cost of her future education + other opportunities and travel, etc., there isn't much left over. I don't disagree; it's just hard to accept sometimes.

Yes, I am the PP who has adopted two. We have stopped now too for all the same reasons you enumerated. I totally get where you are coming from, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life. I was 35 when we got married, and we started trying right away. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they should.

Thanks to the other PPs. I appreciate the support. I never feel like it's wrong to have only one, or that I somehow failed. We went to hell and back trying. The kid we have is definitely meant to be ours. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a sibling, for her and for us.

These discussions happen every so often in my office and no one means any offense. I usually just stay quiet. I don't usually walk away feeling less than, but today was different.

Even if you started trying right away, at 35, your chances are significantly reduced.

[Anonymous]

OP again. This is part of why we think about moving away, closer to my family. DD has cousins down south, and they are close to her age. Though my sister and I couldn't be more different in how we raise kids, I think it would be good for her to grow up with her cousins.

[Anonymous]

Short answer, OP? Yes, I do get sad about it sometimes. Battled years of fertility treatments, had one beautiful child through IVF, followed by another failed cycle, then decided not to explore adoption b/c of the emotional & financial toll we had already gone through. My DD is wonderful and we are a very happy family of three, but she gets sad sometimes about not having a sibling, and it's still hard for me now that many of my older friends seem to be having "oops" babies. I did think it would get easier when I hit my forties and there'd be less baby showers, new babies in our circle, etc., but there are five new babies among our close circle of 40+ friends, just in the last seven months. So yes, I do feel sad about it sometimes, though I wouldn't point to any particular decision that we made that I would change. We are also enjoying the freedom that comes from having one, especially now that she's in school and we all have a lot more independence to do fun things together.

[Anonymous]

11:56 again - we also really encourage cousin relationships, even though they don't live close by. We prioritize weekend visits to them, family vacations, etc. when planning our travel throughout the year, and keep up regularly with FaceTime/Skype/notes/letters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP. I think it's rude of your coworkers to have these conversations, much less in front of you. I mean, aren't they aware of your life circumstances? And, moreover, are their own lives so limited that they can only imagine one way of living? So strange for adults to be so closed-minded. Haven't they lived their lives and realized that things work out differently sometimes than one has planned? If not in this particular situation for them (kids) but in others (career, education, etc.)?

I don't know, I think this can be a benign, shooting-the-shit type of conversation where no one means to hurt any feelings. Also, they might not know OP's age, much less her husband or child's age.

I will say, having gone through years of infertility myself and ending up an older (and more humbled) parent than I ever imagined, I personally would never join in this conversation. But a lot of people just don't get it. I am not thankful in any way for my infertility journey, but I will say that it made me a more empathetic, open-minded, grateful, and sensitive person. You truly never know all the factors at play in anyone's life choices.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Also, DD lately has been playing with various dolls calling them her "sister." And I know she's just playing, but sometimes I look at her and think about what could have been.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Absolutely agree, 1157.

Actually, my coworkers came right along on our journey with us. They know our ages, they love DD, they were there when our adoption fell through, they were there when we succeeded. Like I said, no one means offense. They were all just talking and sharing their experiences. We have several people in their 20s who are very wrapped up in starting their families and they want to have 4-5 kids apiece, so they're always talking about it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, I feel it, too, sometimes. But then I think about friends who couldn't have children at all, or friends who have sick children, or my friend whose husband is battling end-stage leukemia, and I am so grateful for what we have. We are so blessed, and I feel like it's somehow spitting on our good fortune to dwell on what might have been.

Hugs to you. You sound like a wonderful mother! Only children are usually deeply bonded with their parents, and I know several onlies who've opted for only children themselves because they felt their childhoods were just right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life. I was 35 when we got married, and we started trying right away. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they should.

Thanks to the other PPs. I appreciate the support. I never feel like it's wrong to have only one, or that I somehow failed. We went to hell and back trying. The kid we have is definitely meant to be ours. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a sibling, for her and for us.

These discussions happen every so often in my office and no one means any offense. I usually just stay quiet. I don't usually walk away feeling less than, but today was different.

Even if you started trying right away, at 35, your chances are significantly reduced.

OP knows this. You know that, right? What is the point of posting this? (And by the way, saying "significantly reduced" with no context at all is just inflammatory and makes you sound ignorant.)

I sometimes wonder about the people behind the posts like this. Did you kick your dog on the way to the bathroom this morning, but that just wasn't enough to really get the day started right?

[Anonymous]

I think some of them are just s@&! starters. Just trying to stir the pot, which is so easy on these boards. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely agree, 1157.

Actually, my coworkers came right along on our journey with us. They know our ages, they love DD, they were there when our adoption fell through, they were there when we succeeded. Like I said, no one means offense. They were all just talking and sharing their experiences. We have several people in their 20s who are very wrapped up in starting their families and they want to have 4-5 kids apiece, so they're always talking about it.

Well, that sounds a bit insufferable no matter what a person's circumstances are. I might leave the room in tears out of sheer boredom.

[Anonymous]

We had our first at 34. Easy pregnancy and beautiful, healthy baby. Having a 2nd has not been so easy. I'm currently waiting for a miscarriage to start. Since I found out the pregnancy isn't viable I've cycled through the should haves in my head: should have gotten married sooner, should have started having kids sooner, should have started trying for a 2nd sooner, all that.

But you know what? I could have done all those things and still had regrets...maybe regrets that I didn't travel more, that I got married and had kids young. Who knows. Our lives are a combination of choices and random circumstances, and if you change one choice you change everything. Of course I wish I could have a sibling for my son, but I know if I could rewind time and do things differently I might not have him at all. It sounds like you have gratitude for your family just the way it is; that doesn't mean the "should haves" won't sneak up on you from time to time. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I never wanted any kids at all. DH desperately wanted kids. We compromised on one. As I thought, I still don't like kids, and don't enjoy parenting. But I love my DH, so he's got his one.

I'm sorry you're sad, OP.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes feel sad, but not often. TBH, though, I know women who have more than one and feel sad, or who wish they'd had only one, or who are overwhelmed with the kids they have, or who can't wait for the second to leave for college. Everyone struggles with something.

As 12:17 so wisely said, if I had done things differently, I wouldn't have the wonderful child and the wonderful life I have now. I am very grateful for what I have.