do you get sad only having one child?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have only one at 44. I am so, so lucky to have him (pregnant by luck at 41) after nearly giving up on the dream and hope. But I still get sad occasionally....mostly because I LOVED being a mother to a baby and always hoped I would have lots of kids. But I'm sooo tired that I just don't think I'd be physically able to handle 2 or 3 at my age, I'm sad to say. So I try to appreciate every minute, every hour, every day.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do. Three IVFs for #1, five unsuccessfully (4 m/cs) for #2 and I'm done. Adoption isn't in the cards for us. I've made a shaky peace with it, but the grief comes and goes.

But nobody gets everything they want, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I get sad being an only child. I'm an only child and my parents live on the West Coast (they retired out there). I have no other family--well I do have lots of cousins and aunts and uncles but they are not interested in a relationship with me and they all live thousands of miles away. It is a lonely, lonely place to be. We spend every holiday alone and it sucks. My DH's family is dysfunctional and awful and we have very little relationship with them other than his mother. Besides his mother they have not met our child.

We are new to this area and have no social support/social network. I've made a few friends but no one who is friends who are like family.

Anyhow, we have one child and plan to have another. I was so lonely as a child (we had no local family growing up so I didn't grow up with cousins). But I am 100 times lonelier as an adult, mainly due to having no siblings or relationships with family, and my parents living so far away. I don't want our child to be lonely like I was. So if we can have another child I would like to.

Personally, given my experiences as an only child, I think if you don't have local family that your child can grow up with and be close to then it's very important that the child have a sibling.

I was wondering when Sad Mom with Parents on the West Coast would post!!! I hope you are getting some help to deal with your awful, lonely childhood. But your story is not typical of most only children (cold parents, no holiday celebrations, etc)

Yup, Sad mom here. I just wanted to share my experience. Being an only could be okay if the child grows up with lots of local family around. I didn't have that. In addition, my father worked 70 hour weeks and was never around. So it was just me and my mother most of the time. If there is no local family, it's just a lonely, lonely childhood. And I had a lot of friends as a child and went to school, camp, etc. and I still felt lonely most of the time. That loneliness has turned chronic as an adult and I feel sad every day about this. I am seeing a therapist to help with this issue. But the reality is that it's hard to make friends who are like family and spending evrey holiday alone is just depressing.

Wow. It seems like you are a regular since others know you but I've never seen you post before. I would strongly encourage you to continue therapy and maybe get medicated. You sound depressed and that has nothing to do with you being an only child.

I have one sibling. We are very close. He lives on the west coast. We rarely get to see each other and never on holidays. My parents are not involved and don't live close. My in-laws are dead. We have no local family and never will. We spend all of our holidays either alone or with friends. I have an incredibly full life with tons of friends, a precious few who really ARE like family and lots of others that I just enjoy. I am not lonely every day. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but to let you know that you're using the only child thing as a scapegoat and you have other issues. You could have 10 kids and in-laws over every day and you will still be you and feel this way. There's no reason you should feel sad every day. Good luck.

Sad mom here. It's great for you that you have tons of friends here but that is not the case for everyone. We are new to the area on top of having no local family and it is very hard to make friends when you're in your 30s and move somewhere knowing no one, let alone making true friends. I am out there constantly, trying to make friends and build a community for us, and 99% of the time I am rejected. Yes, there are other issues like the fact that my husband works 70 hour weeks plus weekends so that makes my loneliness much worse. But not having any support network, or social/emotional support really sucks. Having local family would make all the difference. But we don't have that here so I want to have another child, so my child doesn't feel lonely like I did.

NP who was wondering when Sad Mom Who Didn't Get To Have Holidays would show up and make it all about her. Do you really have to bomb every single thread about only children with your story of lonely woe? You've been told again and again that your incredibly dysfunctional family most likely would not have been fixed by having more children in it.

Please have some consideration for OPs and stop derailing every single thread.

Seriously. Sad Mom, please know that you aren't going to guarantee lifelong fulfillment and lack of loneliness for your child by having another one. And until you work on yourself, your kids are going to pick up on the fact that you're trying to fix your problems through them. It goes back to gratitude and being thankful for what you have rather than dwelling on regrets from the past.

[Anonymous]

Hey, Sad Mom, your post is totally unrelated to the OP's question. Stop derailing threads about only children with your sad tale of your dysfunctional family and your miserable life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life. I was 35 when we got married, and we started trying right away. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they should.

Thanks to the other PPs. I appreciate the support. I never feel like it's wrong to have only one, or that I somehow failed. We went to hell and back trying. The kid we have is definitely meant to be ours. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a sibling, for her and for us.

These discussions happen every so often in my office and no one means any offense. I usually just stay quiet. I don't usually walk away feeling less than, but today was different.

OP, this is such a measured and wise response to the PP, who didn't really deserve an answer to the question of why you waited so long. You're awesome!

NP here. I agree. OP, you sound like a smart, calm, loving mom who has a lot of integrity.

Your DD has got to feel so, so lucky to have you as a mom. Heck, I'm jealous I'm not as cool as you are (as evidenced by your response to the somewhat jerky PP). It's not too late to adopt another if you feel like your family is incomplete. But if you feel like it is, then it is! Life is never perfect, but it is always wonderful. Make it want you want and live passionately. I agree with you that moving to be closer to family might be a good middle ground, if that's doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I get sad being an only child. I'm an only child and my parents live on the West Coast (they retired out there). I have no other family--well I do have lots of cousins and aunts and uncles but they are not interested in a relationship with me and they all live thousands of miles away. It is a lonely, lonely place to be. We spend every holiday alone and it sucks. My DH's family is dysfunctional and awful and we have very little relationship with them other than his mother. Besides his mother they have not met our child.

We are new to this area and have no social support/social network. I've made a few friends but no one who is friends who are like family.

Anyhow, we have one child and plan to have another. I was so lonely as a child (we had no local family growing up so I didn't grow up with cousins). But I am 100 times lonelier as an adult, mainly due to having no siblings or relationships with family, and my parents living so far away. I don't want our child to be lonely like I was. So if we can have another child I would like to.

Personally, given my experiences as an only child, I think if you don't have local family that your child can grow up with and be close to then it's very important that the child have a sibling.

I was wondering when Sad Mom with Parents on the West Coast would post!!! I hope you are getting some help to deal with your awful, lonely childhood. But your story is not typical of most only children (cold parents, no holiday celebrations, etc)

I was wondering the same thing! It is like she lurks on DCUM ready to pounce and post her sad, sad tale. Did you ever think, sad lonely only, that part of your problem is that YOU don't seem to have been capable of establishing strong friendships/a network? So the problem is more within you/part of who you are, rather than a problem stemming from being an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I never wanted any kids at all. DH desperately wanted kids. We compromised on one. As I thought, I still don't like kids, and don't enjoy parenting. But I love my DH, so he's got his one.

I'm sorry you're sad, OP.

I hope you're a better mother than this sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with your co-workers that more is "better" or younger is "better". There are pros and cons to every life situation - having kids older or younger, having one kid or many, etc. You sound like a nice and thoughtful person and I'm sure your child is very lucky and happy and well loved. That's really all that counts.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I never wanted any kids at all. DH desperately wanted kids. We compromised on one. As I thought, I still don't like kids, and don't enjoy parenting. But I love my DH, so he's got his one.

I'm sorry you're sad, OP.

I hope you're a better mother than this sounds.

I think it is ok, some people who want kids resent them after having them...
PP might not have wanted her kid, but I am sure this is working out for her family, and it is so wise to stop at one, in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I get sad being an only child. I'm an only child and my parents live on the West Coast (they retired out there). I have no other family--well I do have lots of cousins and aunts and uncles but they are not interested in a relationship with me and they all live thousands of miles away. It is a lonely, lonely place to be. We spend every holiday alone and it sucks. My DH's family is dysfunctional and awful and we have very little relationship with them other than his mother. Besides his mother they have not met our child.

We are new to this area and have no social support/social network. I've made a few friends but no one who is friends who are like family.

Anyhow, we have one child and plan to have another. I was so lonely as a child (we had no local family growing up so I didn't grow up with cousins). But I am 100 times lonelier as an adult, mainly due to having no siblings or relationships with family, and my parents living so far away. I don't want our child to be lonely like I was. So if we can have another child I would like to.

Personally, given my experiences as an only child, I think if you don't have local family that your child can grow up with and be close to then it's very important that the child have a sibling.

I was wondering when Sad Mom with Parents on the West Coast would post!!! I hope you are getting some help to deal with your awful, lonely childhood. But your story is not typical of most only children (cold parents, no holiday celebrations, etc)

I was wondering the same thing! It is like she lurks on DCUM ready to pounce and post her sad, sad tale. Did you ever think, sad lonely only, that part of your problem is that YOU don't seem to have been capable of establishing strong friendships/a network? So the problem is more within you/part of who you are, rather than a problem stemming from being an only child.

NP, I was a only too, and had good friends growing up, but only in school. No local family or neighbors, so weekends & holidays were to myself. Now as I am older, I agree it is hard to make new friends in new places. But by now I am so used to being by myself, that I have no resentment of any kind. I enjoy company of others if available, if not, I enjoy my own company.

[Anonymous]

Having kids later has the advantage of allowing you as the parents to stay "younger" as your child grows up. I am a good decade older than most of my child's friends' parents. Most of them either don't realize or are polite enough to act surprised when a topic comes up that makes my age evident.

But, I do feel a bit younger than my friends whose kids are already grown and in college or beyond simply because I have been dealing with "kid" things all these years while they have been dealing with more adult issues. Yes, they are freer than I am to go where they want, when they want, but I'm happy with my child still at home and will probably be sad at HS graduation.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sure that some people are sad only having one if they intended to have more. But there are also parents who have lost a child/children, or people who have never conceived, or people who have divorced and don't see their children as often as they like, or people who have lots of kids but hate being parents... We all have our raw edges and it is good to be sensitive to them and realize that others have their soft spots and to be considerate and compassionate. I don't think anyone gets to plan their lives down to every last detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, Sad Mom, your post is totally unrelated to the OP's question. Stop derailing threads about only children with your sad tale of your dysfunctional family and your miserable life.

Post is related. The thread asks whether people are sad having only one child. Sad mom is describing her experience as an only child.

I'm an only too, and the rest of my family apart from my parents lived abroad. I also decided to have two, for the same reasons as sad mom.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP, and I'm sorry. I am an only child, and my parents had me when they were older (mom was 40 and dad 44).

I always wished I had siblings, but honestly, I had a wonderful upbringing and got to do lots of things I wouldn't otherwise have been able to do because my parents could focus on me rather than multiple kids and because they had enough money to send me to interesting camps and do extracurricular activities. We weren't well off, and it would have been a stretch if there were multiple kids wanting to do all kinds of things -- much less going to college at the same time!

My dad retired relatively early and has enjoyed an amazing retirement getting to do all kinds of things he didn't ever think he'd be able to pursue. My mom stayed home with me for a little while and then went back to work and is in a position she really loves that gives her the chance to do things she finds interesting. I don't think they could have done this if they'd had more kids because they would have been worried about finances.

I'm a happy adult, have a close relationship with my parents, and get along great with my friends -- who I get to choose rather than have as siblings. Your kid will do well as is, and so will you! No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, Sad Mom, your post is totally unrelated to the OP's question. Stop derailing threads about only children with your sad tale of your dysfunctional family and your miserable life.

Post is related. The thread asks whether people are sad having only one child. Sad mom is describing her experience as an only child.

I'm an only too, and the rest of my family apart from my parents lived abroad. I also decided to have two, for the same reasons as sad mom.

I guess it's related, insofar as both phrases have the world "only child". But she's not answering OP's question or being remotely helpful to OP, just singing the same saaaaaaaaad song all about her her her. I'm starting to wonder if she's a narcissist.

Also, OP isn't asking for people's votes on whether or not she should have more children. What's the relevance of you sharing your experience? To make those of who would've liked to had more children but can't feel worse? Thanks, you're being real helpful.