do you get sad only having one child?

[Anonymous]

I typically don't. But just now in my office, there was a spirited discussion about having kids (everyone has more than one but me) and the age when you have them (younger is better) and how now at 50, you can be footloose and fancy-free because the kids are on their own. I'm 48 with a 4 year old. DH is 52. Wanted more, but we're lucky to have the one we have. Did years of IVF, then adopted. We talked about having more (I've always wanted more), but money was an issue. I adore my kid and DH and generally enjoy my situation, but I felt tears coming on, so I just walked out of the office to the bathroom. I didn't make a scene. It just surprises me that I reacted like that. It isn't like me. I guess sometimes those feelings are buried deep and it doesn't take much to bring them rushing back to the surface.

Heavy sigh.......

[Anonymous]

Not at all. Had my first at 30. Made the final decision not to have another at around 34. I love my child so much, and she completes our family. No need for another.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. We have adopted also. We did adopt two (after years of IF treatment too) (two separate adoptions, 4 years apart) b/c I did not want to have only one, but we are younger than you guys (DH is 43 and I am 41). I wish we could do more too but will have to stop for the same reasons you mentioned (age and $$). I guess we have to find some way to find peace with our limitations and just realize that life/God/fate had a different plan for us? All my best to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with your co-workers that more is "better" or younger is "better". There are pros and cons to every life situation - having kids older or younger, having one kid or many, etc. You sound like a nice and thoughtful person and I'm sure your child is very lucky and happy and well loved. That's really all that counts.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are upset OP. But there is nothing wrong with having one child- plenty of people plan it that way and prefer it. I understand that it wasn't your plan, but please don't feel like you did something wrong somehow. You aren't somehow less than. Having jusr one child is as valid a life choice as two or more.

[Anonymous]

menopause and perimenopause push all the baby buttons, no matter how many kids you have. Every single woman I know has had spasms of regret for not having children/more children even if they have been happy with their choices for years and years. It's hormonal, at least in part. The feelings go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I typically don't. But just now in my office, there was a spirited discussion about having kids (everyone has more than one but me) and the age when you have them (younger is better) and how now at 50, you can be footloose and fancy-free because the kids are on their own. I'm 48 with a 4 year old. DH is 52. Wanted more, but we're lucky to have the one we have. Did years of IVF, then adopted. We talked about having more (I've always wanted more), but money was an issue. I adore my kid and DH and generally enjoy my situation, but I felt tears coming on, so I just walked out of the office to the bathroom. I didn't make a scene. It just surprises me that I reacted like that. It isn't like me. I guess sometimes those feelings are buried deep and it doesn't take much to bring them rushing back to the surface.

Heavy sigh.......

Why did you wait so long?

[Anonymous]

Life. I was 35 when we got married, and we started trying right away. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they should.

Thanks to the other PPs. I appreciate the support. I never feel like it's wrong to have only one, or that I somehow failed. We went to hell and back trying. The kid we have is definitely meant to be ours. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a sibling, for her and for us.

These discussions happen every so often in my office and no one means any offense. I usually just stay quiet. I don't usually walk away feeling less than, but today was different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life. I was 35 when we got married, and we started trying right away. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they should.

Thanks to the other PPs. I appreciate the support. I never feel like it's wrong to have only one, or that I somehow failed. We went to hell and back trying. The kid we have is definitely meant to be ours. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a sibling, for her and for us.

These discussions happen every so often in my office and no one means any offense. I usually just stay quiet. I don't usually walk away feeling less than, but today was different.

You could adopt another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life. I was 35 when we got married, and we started trying right away. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they should.

Thanks to the other PPs. I appreciate the support. I never feel like it's wrong to have only one, or that I somehow failed. We went to hell and back trying. The kid we have is definitely meant to be ours. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a sibling, for her and for us.

These discussions happen every so often in my office and no one means any offense. I usually just stay quiet. I don't usually walk away feeling less than, but today was different.

OP, this is such a measured and wise response to the PP, who didn't really deserve an answer to the question of why you waited so long. You're awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I typically don't. But just now in my office, there was a spirited discussion about having kids (everyone has more than one but me) and the age when you have them (younger is better) and how now at 50, you can be footloose and fancy-free because the kids are on their own. I'm 48 with a 4 year old. DH is 52. Wanted more, but we're lucky to have the one we have. Did years of IVF, then adopted. We talked about having more (I've always wanted more), but money was an issue. I adore my kid and DH and generally enjoy my situation, but I felt tears coming on, so I just walked out of the office to the bathroom. I didn't make a scene. It just surprises me that I reacted like that. It isn't like me. I guess sometimes those feelings are buried deep and it doesn't take much to bring them rushing back to the surface.

Heavy sigh.......

Why did you wait so long?

Not OP, but You just skipped over all that about Years of IVF and adopting, (which is never overnight), didn't you?

Or did you just mean to be an ass?

[Anonymous]

I am a PP. I think it's rude of your coworkers to have these conversations, much less in front of you. I mean, aren't they aware of your life circumstances? And, moreover, are their own lives so limited that they can only imagine one way of living? So strange for adults to be so closed-minded. Haven't they lived their lives and realized that things work out differently sometimes than one has planned? If not in this particular situation for them (kids) but in others (career, education, etc.)?

[Anonymous]

"Sad" is a strong word, but sometimes I feel a twinge when I think of the kid we never had. We reached the decision to only have one together, and I think our reasons are good, and I don't regret our choice, but sometimes I think of our daughter with a younger sibling and I feel a little pang. I think it's not unusual, and it doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice or did something wrong--it just means that you have more love in your heart, and you need to find something productive to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 1150. Snark is easy. You can catch more flies with honey....lol

We talked about adopting another, but it cost us more than $25K for the one we have (with a failed adoption in there too). Don't really have that money sitting around. DH certainly doesn't act old, but he's a realist. Once you calculate the cost of her future education + other opportunities and travel, etc., there isn't much left over. I don't disagree; it's just hard to accept sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP. I think it's rude of your coworkers to have these conversations, much less in front of you. I mean, aren't they aware of your life circumstances? And, moreover, are their own lives so limited that they can only imagine one way of living? So strange for adults to be so closed-minded. Haven't they lived their lives and realized that things work out differently sometimes than one has planned? If not in this particular situation for them (kids) but in others (career, education, etc.)?

It's rude to talk about your kids now?