Sibling doesn't visit

[Anonymous]

You can't make people care

I'm sorry OP

[Anonymous]

She's older, right?

I'm going to take a guess. If this applies:
- the older sibling grows up with the younger one accommodating them.
- the older one has never viewed the younger one as an equal.

OR your family just holds a grudge that you moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to make the visit sound like a chore or obligation. Make it about a desire to hang out and have fun together. It's not about trying to prove something to each other. It's just to spend some time together and have a good time.


Also, what's her husband like? Is he pretty easygoing? Any chance she's not being direct with you about why they're not coming?

Her husband is kind of an A-hole who supposedly has too important of a business to ever take a vacation (except the one they just took using her money). She can bring him or leave him home, as far as I'm concerned. She could be afraid to say why she doesn't want to, but I've never done or said anything bad enough for that to be a reason, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try not to make the visit sound like a chore or obligation. Make it about a desire to hang out and have fun together. It's not about trying to prove something to each other. It's just to spend some time together and have a good time.


Also, what's her husband like? Is he pretty easygoing? Any chance she's not being direct with you about why they're not coming?

Her husband is kind of an A-hole who supposedly has too important of a business to ever take a vacation (except the one they just took using her money). She can bring him or leave him home, as far as I'm concerned. She could be afraid to say why she doesn't want to, but I've never done or said anything bad enough for that to be a reason, IMO.

I didn't mean that he had anything against you, but that he may be the alpha and make all the decisions, override her choices, or just make it too much of a hassle to deal with. Maybe she picks her battles but is embarrassed about that.

[Anonymous]

OP. Why all the fuss, really? She doesn't visit you. You visit your parents and can see her. You don't specifically go to visit her either. What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

OP, I want you to consider this. Imagine a pretend scenario where your family never visits. Every, at all. Now, approach your decision this way: what is the amount of time spent, number of visits where doing the right thing outweighs the resentment. This is your decision. OP, you need to feel empowered. You are in the driver's seat. I'm guessing there is a certain amount of visiting you would want to do - maybe include seeing your family with other sightseeing in the area. Do what you can to make these trips joyful for you - that has nothing to do with your family. You get something - else - out of it.

The hardest part may be letting go of what you *wish* you had or how you *think* it could be. It is what it is. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's older, right?

I'm going to take a guess. If this applies:
- the older sibling grows up with the younger one accommodating them.
- the older one has never viewed the younger one as an equal.

OR your family just holds a grudge that you moved away.

Yes, she's older. They are the ones that moved away. I think there is some truth that they see me as lower status. My mother wanted me to move near them but I never did because it was right before I got married and I had a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I want you to consider this. Imagine a pretend scenario where your family never visits. Every, at all. Now, approach your decision this way: what is the amount of time spent, number of visits where doing the right thing outweighs the resentment. This is your decision. OP, you need to feel empowered. You are in the driver's seat. I'm guessing there is a certain amount of visiting you would want to do - maybe include seeing your family with other sightseeing in the area. Do what you can to make these trips joyful for you - that has nothing to do with your family. You get something - else - out of it.

The hardest part may be letting go of what you *wish* you had or how you *think* it could be. It is what it is. I'm sorry.

Thanks. Yes, I guess I have to accept that the ideal scenario does not exist.

Responding to several posts at once:
Yes, perhaps her husband is calling the shots and she doesn't want to make waves.

She lives 5 min from my parents, so it's not like I'm not visiting her when I fly out there. I stay with my parents because their guest room is nicer. Sometimes I have stayed with her though some of the time.

I enjoy visiting, but the trip takes so long that I don't go as often as I would if they lived closer. They live sort of in the middle of nowhere so there isn't a whole lot of sightseeing we can do, unless we did other stuff a few hours away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make people care

I'm sorry OP

This is what sucks. I always seem to care more than anyone else, and am more sentimental, have a harder time with goodbyes. Other people just don't care.

[Anonymous]

OP - We have two daughters in the DC area one in MD and one in NOVA, and the older one wants "to have" a relationship that just does not exist with her younger sister. Both are very nice girls, married with two young children each and husbands. BUT they are also very different in personalities, in lifestyle with husbands and the older one ends up very frustrated. She has a "perfect sister relationship" in mind that she just can't seem to let go of, and ends up ticking her sister off by trying to force schedule gettogethers or just say I'm coming over..... Fortunately, we live a couple of hours away, and generally I stay out of it. And in part it is due to things that transpired with the oldest one as she was growing up from the time she went away to college that had the negative impact of an over-focus on her.

So, all I can say is learn to enjoy the husband and children you have and focus more on the relationship with your Mom. Why not suggest paying for her to come visit you all a second time each year to build a relationship with your young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I want you to consider this. Imagine a pretend scenario where your family never visits. Every, at all. Now, approach your decision this way: what is the amount of time spent, number of visits where doing the right thing outweighs the resentment. This is your decision. OP, you need to feel empowered. You are in the driver's seat. I'm guessing there is a certain amount of visiting you would want to do - maybe include seeing your family with other sightseeing in the area. Do what you can to make these trips joyful for you - that has nothing to do with your family. You get something - else - out of it.

The hardest part may be letting go of what you *wish* you had or how you *think* it could be. It is what it is. I'm sorry.

Thanks. Yes, I guess I have to accept that the ideal scenario does not exist.

Responding to several posts at once:
Yes, perhaps her husband is calling the shots and she doesn't want to make waves.

She lives 5 min from my parents, so it's not like I'm not visiting her when I fly out there. I stay with my parents because their guest room is nicer. Sometimes I have stayed with her though some of the time.

I enjoy visiting, but the trip takes so long that I don't go as often as I would if they lived closer. They live sort of in the middle of nowhere so there isn't a whole lot of sightseeing we can do, unless we did other stuff a few hours away.

Speaking as someone in a similar logistical position as her, she may not realize that you expect to be taking turns on visits, etc. She is just counting that you see each other regularly. She's not thinking about who is making more effort to see each other. I'm not saying she's right in not realizing it, just that it may not occur to her that that is how you see it.

[Anonymous]

20:36 again. TO get around the potentially obstructive husband, do you think it would make a difference if there was a specific reason to schedule a trip? Sometimes the "You should come over sometime" type comments are too non-committal for some people to follow through on. If you had a specific occasion or reason to encourage a visit, maybe that would make a difference?

[Anonymous]

because their (parents) guest room is nicer

Op, you aren't helping your case - with your sister.
The point is to spend time with her. Late night talks - even in a not-so-nice guest room, might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:36 again. TO get around the potentially obstructive husband, do you think it would make a difference if there was a specific reason to schedule a trip? Sometimes the "You should come over sometime" type comments are too non-committal for some people to follow through on. If you had a specific occasion or reason to encourage a visit, maybe that would make a difference?

The time she visited years ago was when my first child was born. She didn't visit when my second one was born. Her daughter had an opportunity to go on a field trip to DC but she didn't go because for the same amount of money, they could have all visited. So, I suppose I can try to play up the tourism aspect of DC for her kids to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:36 again. TO get around the potentially obstructive husband, do you think it would make a difference if there was a specific reason to schedule a trip? Sometimes the "You should come over sometime" type comments are too non-committal for some people to follow through on. If you had a specific occasion or reason to encourage a visit, maybe that would make a difference?

The time she visited years ago was when my first child was born. She didn't visit when my second one was born. Her daughter had an opportunity to go on a field trip to DC but she didn't go because for the same amount of money, they could have all visited. So, I suppose I can try to play up the tourism aspect of DC for her kids to see.

Do that. But try to focus it on a specific time period. Probably too late for a cherry blossom trip this year (tho give it a try!). Maybe Independence Day?