Sibling doesn't visit

[Anonymous]

My sister has not visited me in 7 years. Before that, it was probably 7 years since the last time she visited. I have two kids under 7 and she has a tween and a teen so it's easier for her to travel. She doesn't seem the least bit interested in visiting, as if she has no obligation to reciprocate. She lives near my parents who moved to be near her, across the country from me. So I have no family here. My parents visit me about once a year and up until I had another kid, I had been visiting all of them about once a year. So it's been like almost 3 years since I have seen my sister, the last time was when I flew out there. When I act like I want her to visit, she makes excuses like she has no money, or that she has to visit her ILs. (Who really wants to visit their ILs anyway?) Then she got some money, and claimed she was going to visit, which was the first time she ever seemed like it might happen. Instead, she took a tropical vacation with her DH and kids. I felt like we were close growing up, and it's just disappointing that visiting each other is one sided. Now I feel like I have to visit them again, even though it's long overdue for her turn to visit us. Otherwise she seems to keep in touch, but not as often as I keep in touch with her. I feel like it's a regular blow to my feelings. When I complain to my parents, they defend her. I don't even know what my question is. Do I once again visit even though it's more of a pain for us to travel? Or make a stink that it's not fair she doesn't visit and that it makes me feel bad? It seems rude and insensitive to me like I don't matter to her and I've put up with it a long time.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'd like you in person. You're so obsessed with whose turn it is and who gives more, etc. Why would I want to visit that?

Why should your sister visit you if she's worried she'll spend a weekend hearing you babble on about "Why don't you come more often? It was your turn"?

Stop complaining to your parents. Talk directly to your sister. Suggest the two of you have a sister weekend in Chicago in late April or May. No, do not make a stink about anything. That does not make people want to be around you.

[Anonymous]

Does she take a lot of other trips?



Would you really be visiting her if she weren't near your parents? Seems to me she just gets a visit bc she's near your homebase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd like you in person. You're so obsessed with whose turn it is and who gives more, etc. Why would I want to visit that?

Why should your sister visit you if she's worried she'll spend a weekend hearing you babble on about "Why don't you come more often? It was your turn"?

Stop complaining to your parents. Talk directly to your sister. Suggest the two of you have a sister weekend in Chicago in late April or May. No, do not make a stink about anything. That does not make people want to be around you.

This.

Maybe she doesn't like you or want to visit? You said she has a husband and kids, so not sure why you think it's easier for her to travel.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's more convenient to travel with older kids. Travel is easier, but they have more obligations and consequences to missing matter more. Also, you are visiting your whole family. Accept that this is how she stays in touch for now and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I'm not sure why you are so upset. This doesn't seem that abnormal to me. My DH gets along well with his brother and sister but is often several years between when we see them. My SIL is a plane ride away but my BIL is only a 5 hour drive away. While I like them I don't mind since I would rather spend our time and money going on a vacation with just our kids or our friends. My BIL's kids are teenagers and it seems like traveling with them is almost harder than with our toddlers. Older kids have all kinds of activities and school commitments and they have their own opinions about what type of vacation they want to go on. One of my DH's nephews had to miss a cross country meet for our wedding and it was a HUGE deal (to the nephew). I'm sure in a perfect world your sister would come visit, but the reality is its just not a high priority for her. If you want to see her it seems like you are going to have to make the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she take a lot of other trips?



Would you really be visiting her if she weren't near your parents? Seems to me she just gets a visit bc she's near your homebase.

She takes weekend getaways quite frequently. It's not really my homebase because I've never lived in their state. I can kill two birds with one stone by visiting all of them, but it just seems like once in a blue moon she should put herself out by hopping on a plane like the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd like you in person. You're so obsessed with whose turn it is and who gives more, etc. Why would I want to visit that?

Why should your sister visit you if she's worried she'll spend a weekend hearing you babble on about "Why don't you come more often? It was your turn"?

Stop complaining to your parents. Talk directly to your sister. Suggest the two of you have a sister weekend in Chicago in late April or May. No, do not make a stink about anything. That does not make people want to be around you.

This.

Maybe she doesn't like you or want to visit? You said she has a husband and kids, so not sure why you think it's easier for her to travel.

I have a husband and kids too. So we're equal except her kids are older and can carry their own luggage and are potty trained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd like you in person. You're so obsessed with whose turn it is and who gives more, etc. Why would I want to visit that?

Why should your sister visit you if she's worried she'll spend a weekend hearing you babble on about "Why don't you come more often? It was your turn"?

Stop complaining to your parents. Talk directly to your sister. Suggest the two of you have a sister weekend in Chicago in late April or May. No, do not make a stink about anything. That does not make people want to be around you.

This.

Maybe she doesn't like you or want to visit? You said she has a husband and kids, so not sure why you think it's easier for her to travel.

I have a husband and kids too. So we're equal except her kids are older and can carry their own luggage and are potty trained.

You are sounding very petty. At least online.

[Anonymous]

Have you had a frank conversation with her about visiting? My sister and SIL rarely visit either. They don't really want to. It makes me a little sad, but that's how it is.

The other thing is discuss alternating visits for holidays or maybe doing a shared vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I'm not sure why you are so upset. This doesn't seem that abnormal to me. My DH gets along well with his brother and sister but is often several years between when we see them. My SIL is a plane ride away but my BIL is only a 5 hour drive away. While I like them I don't mind since I would rather spend our time and money going on a vacation with just our kids or our friends. My BIL's kids are teenagers and it seems like traveling with them is almost harder than with our toddlers. Older kids have all kinds of activities and school commitments and they have their own opinions about what type of vacation they want to go on. One of my DH's nephews had to miss a cross country meet for our wedding and it was a HUGE deal (to the nephew). I'm sure in a perfect world your sister would come visit, but the reality is its just not a high priority for her. If you want to see her it seems like you are going to have to make the trip.

My older kid is in school too. I'm not asking her to visit during the school year. If I decided to be like her and not visit her, we'd never see each other. How does anyone stay in touch if it's okay for certain people to exert no effort on the relationship?

[Anonymous]

OP, you remind me of my ILs. They always count how many times we visit them vs. my mother. It's annoying.

Have you thought that maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable around you?

[Anonymous]

Try not to make the visit sound like a chore or obligation. Make it about a desire to hang out and have fun together. It's not about trying to prove something to each other. It's just to spend some time together and have a good time.


Also, what's her husband like? Is he pretty easygoing? Any chance she's not being direct with you about why they're not coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you had a frank conversation with her about visiting? My sister and SIL rarely visit either. They don't really want to. It makes me a little sad, but that's how it is.

The other thing is discuss alternating visits for holidays or maybe doing a shared vacation.

We don't even see each other on holidays anymore. We talk about a shared vacation but it never materializes. I've sort of given up having a frank discussion because of the excuses I've gotten in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I'm not sure why you are so upset. This doesn't seem that abnormal to me. My DH gets along well with his brother and sister but is often several years between when we see them. My SIL is a plane ride away but my BIL is only a 5 hour drive away. While I like them I don't mind since I would rather spend our time and money going on a vacation with just our kids or our friends. My BIL's kids are teenagers and it seems like traveling with them is almost harder than with our toddlers. Older kids have all kinds of activities and school commitments and they have their own opinions about what type of vacation they want to go on. One of my DH's nephews had to miss a cross country meet for our wedding and it was a HUGE deal (to the nephew). I'm sure in a perfect world your sister would come visit, but the reality is its just not a high priority for her. If you want to see her it seems like you are going to have to make the trip.

My older kid is in school too. I'm not asking her to visit during the school year. If I decided to be like her and not visit her, we'd never see each other. How does anyone stay in touch if it's okay for certain people to exert no effort on the relationship?

Different PP here. I do think that for a long time I was making the most effort to maintain relationships with siblings. That's changed over time. It has a lot to do with personalities and family dynamics, etc. There's probably more going on then you realize.