Vent...my mom's anxiety is out of control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't really do anything about *her* anxiety (and the pps who are like "set some boundaries!" don't get how ridiculous these women are). BTDT. My mother once called the police when I was in college because I took a nap in the afternoon and turned off my phone. But I don't experience any anxiety myself, and you shouldn't either. It's not a nice way to live, particularly if you don't really have anything major to be anxious about. You can't freak out every time your kids or DH leave the house. What if something bad does happen? That's just life, and there's very little you can do about it.

It's not a choice in the strict sense of the word.

PP was right about it not "rubbing off on you" but being a mental illness.

Unfortunately it is highly hereditary and at the same time we learn at our mother's knee how to be anxious.

I am in a similar boat, OP. My mother is super-anxious, high-strung and needy. When I saw these traits developing in myself I started to take action to make sure they would not impair my life and relationships like they did for her.

I am on Lexapro.
I do CBT with myself (try reading Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman)
I do yoga and have started to meditate.

I surround myself with positive, uplifting loving people and have cut out the drama queens, BPD and cynics from my life. That was super tough.
I limit my contact with my mother, when I see her I try to make it a group thing so there is a buffer for me. When we speak or I am alone with her I try to keep it positive and light, and steer the conversation as best I can away from these black holes of anxiety of depression. She doesn't like this of course.

GL.

You can stop anxiety from running/ruining your life, but you have to disengage from your mother.

For me the hardest part is seeing some of these traits in my DD and trying to help her cope in positive ways.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to call me daily, sometimes several times a day, when on vacation with my speech impaired dad. She very much wanted me to be their point of contact, so it started as a call when they arrived, but quickly spiraled into running commentary on everyhting they'd do. I had to stop answering the phone. Drove me crazy.

My mom still expects to talk once a day. Maddening. Gets agitated and angry if I don't call her to talk.

[Anonymous]

My mom saw a therapist and started taking anti-anxiety meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same way. When I was in my teens or twenties she embarrassed me all the time: if I did not respond for an hour, she would go through my call history and called every single number asking for me. When she could not find me, she'd work herself up so badly that she'd have panic attacks, heart pains, crying spells, etc.
As a result I was extremely scared to lose contact with her - I've picked up my phone in the middle of sex, during a job interview, midterm, and opera performance. When I told her that what she does is unacceptable, she'd throw a fit,cry, complain to my dad who'd get mad at me for not taking care of mom. It is nuts , but she sees no problem in her behavior. Right now I lead a boring life working from home, so she has less reasons to worry; I also installed her Find My Friends app to make things easier for me and her.

I feel badly for you. Do yourself a favor and set some boundaries. I already know that you are recreating this pattern with friends, co workers and romantic partners. Time to stop.

Well, you know wrong I don't suffer from anxiety, although some of my siblings do.
My mom is pretty reasonable in things other than safety: she is not pushy, does not give unsolicited advice, respects boundaries, etc. Yet, when she decides that something bad has happened to anyone in her family she completely loses her mind.

I am trying to get her to therapy, but she does not see a problem in her behavior.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a lot like this. I'm sure I'm an enabler, but it is much easier to go with the flow vs trying to fight it. I'll admit I've learned some of this behavior myself, but I'm nowhere near as bad as she is and I recognize it's not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks all. When I say "rubbing off" I just mean that since we are not biologically related the issue of genetics and mental illness don't come into play. So I think the fact that I've started to exhibit some of her same issues is a product of nurture. Anyways, I'm able to reel it in so far but know it's not healthy, hence why I'm going to see a therapist. My Mom has every excuse in the book as to why she won't see one and I've given up trying. She's been on anti anxiety meds in the past prescribed by her GP. I think she's on the wrong med or wrong dose because they don't help.

I'm sure my therapist will help me work on ways to avoid these situations. It just doesn't occur me to lie though. If she asks "did DH like DS' new haircut?" It doesn't occur to me to say "yes" vs "oh his flight doesn't get home until later so he won't see him until the morning"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all. When I say "rubbing off" I just mean that since we are not biologically related the issue of genetics and mental illness don't come into play. So I think the fact that I've started to exhibit some of her same issues is a product of nurture. Anyways, I'm able to reel it in so far but know it's not healthy, hence why I'm going to see a therapist. My Mom has every excuse in the book as to why she won't see one and I've given up trying. She's been on anti anxiety meds in the past prescribed by her GP. I think she's on the wrong med or wrong dose because they don't help.

I'm sure my therapist will help me work on ways to avoid these situations. It just doesn't occur me to lie though. If she asks "did DH like DS' new haircut?" It doesn't occur to me to say "yes" vs "oh his flight doesn't get home until later so he won't see him until the morning"

I understand. Don't lie. You just need to learn to set up boundaries as tall and strong as the Berlin wall. If she asks "did DH like DS' new haircut?" you need to practice saying something like "Hasn't it seen yet" and then immediately change the conversation to something else innocuous like, "I saw the cutest pair of shoes . . ." or "Did you see Downton Abbey last night?" or some such thing. It takes practice but it will become second nature.

Also, don't confide your anxiety in her. It may be tempting, but resist. For me that means I have to keep some things from my mom. It's tough, but hey, that's what my friends and DH are there for.

[Anonymous]

Op, Mom doesn't "make" you do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't really do anything about *her* anxiety (and the pps who are like "set some boundaries!" don't get how ridiculous these women are). BTDT. My mother once called the police when I was in college because I took a nap in the afternoon and turned off my phone. But I don't experience any anxiety myself, and you shouldn't either. It's not a nice way to live, particularly if you don't really have anything major to be anxious about. You can't freak out every time your kids or DH leave the house. What if something bad does happen? That's just life, and there's very little you can do about it.

Says someone who clearly does not deal with an anxiety disorder.

I was one who was *like* "set some boundaries." Guess what? I have an anxiety disorder. I am one of *these women.* Unless you've figured out a magic way to stop mental illness (and if you have, please inform the medical community) telling the OP that she shouldn't experience any anxiety is ridiculous. It isn't a choice to be made.

Yes, boundaries need to be set. Counseling needs to be tried.

[Anonymous]

I am also someone whose anxiety is out of control about planes landing... I have fallen to pieces if my DH's plane hadn't landed well within the time it was expected to (without knowing the flight numbers to track delays). Some years I've been worse about it, some better.

I'm trying very hard to think what might be helpful in your situation, and I really think your mom needs to be much less informed. In some ways, perhaps the most humane and caring thing to do for her is to stop maintaining the illusion that she can and will be able to continually keep tabs on you and confirm your well being (and your spouse's). She's not going to let go of this control illusion herself -- she's not going to agree to go along with it -- she will be climbing up the walls over the prospect -- but ultimately, you are enabling her illusion and, like with any mental illness, enabling it ultimately harms everyone.

And all of this is being said by someone who is very empathetic to the pain and terror she is (trying to avoid) feeling!!! But ultimately you should shift to a form of communication (periodic email?) that is less "on-demand" than the current one -- you don't having to start lying to her, or lessen the content of the communication, but you need to stop feeding her control illusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother doesn't "make" you do anything. You do it.
She runs your life. Set boundaries. Tell her how many times a day you are going to call. Say no to anything else. If she's angry, so what? Learn to deal with anger. It's on you.

You don't have a parent with OCD do you?

OP, my mom was a chronic worrier too and has some other troubling OCD issues. I feel for you. I agree with you although there is a genetic component much of what we do in terms of coping mechanisms are learned behaviors.

The good thing is that you recognize it and can take appropriate actions to help you stay on track. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all. When I say "rubbing off" I just mean that since we are not biologically related the issue of genetics and mental illness don't come into play. So I think the fact that I've started to exhibit some of her same issues is a product of nurture. Anyways, I'm able to reel it in so far but know it's not healthy, hence why I'm going to see a therapist. My Mom has every excuse in the book as to why she won't see one and I've given up trying. She's been on anti anxiety meds in the past prescribed by her GP. I think she's on the wrong med or wrong dose because they don't help.

I'm sure my therapist will help me work on ways to avoid these situations. It just doesn't occur me to lie though. If she asks "did DH like DS' new haircut?" It doesn't occur to me to say "yes" vs "oh his flight doesn't get home until later so he won't see him until the morning"

At least she's taking meds. My mother has bad anxiety-- has had it since I was a child-- and will never get help in any way shape or form. Everyone else has a problem, not her. Her mother had anxiety and rather than give it a mental disorder label, they'd just call it a chemical imbalance that she needed a prescription for. Lots of older people do not want to go down the therapy route because, you know, therapy is only for crazy people like Sybil. My mother justifies her behavior as a positive thing-- these days, her declaration is that her anxiety is a great benefit to all, a special resource, that keeps us all on our toes and out of harm's way because we're not as astute as she is. It will never end. This is now it's going to be for my family, forever.

All I can say is focus on yourself. Good for you for seeking therapy. I did and it made a huge difference. Perhaps you just have to let your mom hit rock bottom. Let her get anxious and land in the ER. Let her call the cops if you don't call her back immediately. She'll be fined a lot of money. In some families, when someone has a mental issue, rather than letting them hit rockbottom and have to get help, they walk around with a sort of broom right behind this person, cleaning up every mess they make rather than letting them see first hand the havoc they cause.

[Anonymous]

She needs anti-anxiety medication and CBT. It works.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom? Anxiety can be hormonally based in perimenopause/menopause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also someone whose anxiety is out of control about planes landing... I have fallen to pieces if my DH's plane hadn't landed well within the time it was expected to (without knowing the flight numbers to track delays). Some years I've been worse about it, some better.

I'm trying very hard to think what might be helpful in your situation, and I really think your mom needs to be much less informed. In some ways, perhaps the most humane and caring thing to do for her is to stop maintaining the illusion that she can and will be able to continually keep tabs on you and confirm your well being (and your spouse's). She's not going to let go of this control illusion herself -- she's not going to agree to go along with it -- she will be climbing up the walls over the prospect -- but ultimately, you are enabling her illusion and, like with any mental illness, enabling it ultimately harms everyone.

And all of this is being said by someone who is very empathetic to the pain and terror she is (trying to avoid) feeling!!! But ultimately you should shift to a form of communication (periodic email?) that is less "on-demand" than the current one -- you don't having to start lying to her, or lessen the content of the communication, but you need to stop feeding her control illusion.

I agree with this. One source of extreme anxiety for me is our oldest's drama ridden life. I am much better when I know next to nothing. Give your mom minimal information. Stay in touch for sure though.