Vent...my mom's anxiety is out of control

[Anonymous]

my mom has always been a highly anxious person. Even though I'm 30, married, and have a kid, she still makes me check in with her whenever we travel. If I don't and I don't respond to text, email, voicemails, she'll start contacting my husband. Last year, we flew to California and my mom forgot about the time change. When we landed and turned on our phones, there were no less than 2 dozen messages from her between DH and me. Ranging from checking in, to concerned, to frantic, to pissed and every other emotion.

I made the mistake of telling her dh's flight was delayed getting in tonight. She asked me to text her when he got home because she will stay up worrying until he does. I told her he likely won't be home until after 1 and I was going to bed. She seemed appalled by this and said I needed to text her when he woke me Because she was already having palpitations from worry.

I guess what pisses me off the most is that I see myself showing her same anxiety. I didn't anticipate hearing from DH fro
When he left for meetings this morning until 7. And yet I still found myself irrationally anxious that something could have happened on his business trip. In the past, if dh has been late, I've looked up on google maps if there have been any accidents. I'm seeing a theRapist soon, but I'm so annoyed that growing up with an irrationally anxious mom has rubbed off on me.

[Anonymous]

If you give in to that, it will just get worse and expand to other situations. It's a mental illness on her part. You can never fix it. Btdt.

[Anonymous]

*but you can address your own anxiety issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about her seeing a therapist?

[Anonymous]

It didn't "rub off on you." It's a mental illness.

Set some boundaries with her. Tell her when you will check in with her (for example) and then do that. Things like that.

Has she ever seen anyone for her anxiety? I could easily be like that.. I was and in some ways still in. I started on Citalopram a couple of years ago and it's much better. It's not gone by any means and my family still puts up with some of my stressing, but I no longer throw up from anxiety.

This isn't something either of you can really control on your own. Cognitive therapy can certainly help.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same way. When I was in my teens or twenties she embarrassed me all the time: if I did not respond for an hour, she would go through my call history and called every single number asking for me. When she could not find me, she'd work herself up so badly that she'd have panic attacks, heart pains, crying spells, etc.
As a result I was extremely scared to lose contact with her - I've picked up my phone in the middle of sex, during a job interview, midterm, and opera performance. When I told her that what she does is unacceptable, she'd throw a fit,cry, complain to my dad who'd get mad at me for not taking care of mom. It is nuts , but she sees no problem in her behavior. Right now I lead a boring life working from home, so she has less reasons to worry; I also installed her Find My Friends app to make things easier for me and her.

[Anonymous]

Your mother doesn't "make" you do anything. You do it.
She runs your life. Set boundaries. Tell her how many times a day you are going to call. Say no to anything else. If she's angry, so what? Learn to deal with anger. It's on you.

[Anonymous]

Teach her how to track a flight online so you don't have to call. Not a real solution, but it might help.

[Anonymous]

Is her anxiety focused mainly on travel? Could you not tell her about upcoming travel if it's not related to visiting her?

[Anonymous]

It would be a good idea for you to figure out the difference between your problems and her problems. You are allowing her to make her problems into your problems.

Set boundaries OP. Your mother is bad for your mental health, frankly you are bad for hers. Your constant reassurance isn't helping her, it's making her crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same way. When I was in my teens or twenties she embarrassed me all the time: if I did not respond for an hour, she would go through my call history and called every single number asking for me. When she could not find me, she'd work herself up so badly that she'd have panic attacks, heart pains, crying spells, etc.
As a result I was extremely scared to lose contact with her - I've picked up my phone in the middle of sex, during a job interview, midterm, and opera performance. When I told her that what she does is unacceptable, she'd throw a fit,cry, complain to my dad who'd get mad at me for not taking care of mom. It is nuts , but she sees no problem in her behavior. Right now I lead a boring life working from home, so she has less reasons to worry; I also installed her Find My Friends app to make things easier for me and her.

I feel badly for you. Do yourself a favor and set some boundaries. I already know that you are recreating this pattern with friends, co workers and romantic partners. Time to stop.

[Anonymous]

Get some counseling--your mom has skewed your sense of normal. Check yourself for anxiety, but also figure out how to manage what she wants from you versus what's actually reasonable on your part to give.

[Anonymous]

I have debilitating anxiety in the realm of public speaking, so I understand how powerless one can feel with these things - however, there is no reason to enable your mother. Tell her you won't contact her like she wants, and your husband won't either, no matter what. Let her deal with it.

[Anonymous]

You can't really do anything about *her* anxiety (and the pps who are like "set some boundaries!" don't get how ridiculous these women are). BTDT. My mother once called the police when I was in college because I took a nap in the afternoon and turned off my phone. But I don't experience any anxiety myself, and you shouldn't either. It's not a nice way to live, particularly if you don't really have anything major to be anxious about. You can't freak out every time your kids or DH leave the house. What if something bad does happen? That's just life, and there's very little you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

it sounds like there is serious anxiety here and i don't make light of that. however, my mother- who is NOT an anxious person- is really wanting to hear calls/check-ins/etc. when it comes to travel. ithink part of it may be generational.