6th grade DD has boyfriend - too young!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the input. We do have her in a ton of activities because we like to keep her busy and active. The grandparents accuse us of over-scheduling her, but we think it's good to be busy!

Compared to when I grew up in the late 1970s and 1980's, I feel like there is too much screen time when kids are not kept busy.

Are you kidding me? The only difference between now and then is back then everyone stared at the SAME screen.

No that's not the only difference. Back in the day, you didn't carry your screen with you everywhere, in your hand, to be able to stare at it literally 24/7, to the exclusion of the world around you.

This may come as a surprise but technology is changing the world. You sound like the crotchety old man waving his fist at the young whippersnappers who won't get off his lawn. Why are you afraid of technology? I mean- even in the OP's case, the phone isn't the issue. The hidden boyfriend is the issue. If the daughter didn't have the phone, OP wouldn't have found out. I can't believe how paranoid some people are the changing world. Are you the Alaskan Bush People?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD is the oldest of our three children, and she attends a middle school in Bethesda. She is a good student and all-around great girl.

She asked me to charge her iPhone the other night. (Yes, we regret getting her one for her 12th birthday a few months ago because now she just wants to text her friends constantly and I think she's almost over-communicating with them.) She has a password for her iPhone, and I don't have access to it. (We probably need to supervise that more.)

When I charged her iPhone, a text came up from a boy that said "Love you. Good night." It was from a 6th grade boy at her school. She met him at the beginning of the school year, and I noticed she hangs out in groups that occasionally include him. He seems like a nice boy.

I think 6th grade is way too young to be receiving a text from a boy that says "Love you. Good night." I remember being a 6th grader, and some of the boys were already going way beyond kissing with girls in my school.

I welcome any advice other parents may have! Thank you!

OP, you sound a little passive about your parenting choices. If you are not comfortable with how things are going, talk with your DD and change the rules immediately. You're the parent. Boundaries around behaviors are important.

For example, if you are unhappy with how often she is texting and "over-communicating" with her friends, set some limits on it. Maybe she needs to hand over her phone to you at X o'clock every night. Or from X o'clock to Y o'clock. And if you regret not having the password to her account, change that and request it now.

You'll need to have a substantive conversation about this with her so she understands why the rules are changing. I would not connect this directly with the boyfriend issue, though she certainly will. I would focus first on how it's your job as a parent to help her make good choices about her phone and the way she uses it. I might also be quite clear about how her phone is a privilege, not a right. And then I would talk about the boyfriend separately.

On that note, learn from your regret about the phone boundaries and be strict about this piece. Sixth grade is not too young to have a "boyfriend" in name only, but it's certainly too young to be spending unsupervised time with him, either at your house, his house, out on a "date" etc. You're the parent. Don't hesitate to set boundaries that you feel are appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I would have a good talk about stuff. In reality, most sixth grade BF and GF relationships are really quite tame. They often spend no real time together (except at lunch, maybe). They might hold hands...But, there are stories of a lot worse...

I had my first Girl Friend between the 6th and 7th grade. Lucky for me, my seventh grade DD thinks boys are disgusting....or at least those that she knowns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a good talk about stuff. In reality, most sixth grade BF and GF relationships are really quite tame. They often spend no real time together (except at lunch, maybe). They might hold hands...But, there are stories of a lot worse...

I had my first Girl Friend between the 6th and 7th grade. Lucky for me, my seventh grade DD thinks boys are disgusting....or at least those that she knowns.

Yes. If I were you, I would start by talking to my daughter about her relationship with the boy. What do they do? How does she feel about it? What does being boyfriend-girlfriend mean in sixth grade? And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the input. We do have her in a ton of activities because we like to keep her busy and active. The grandparents accuse us of over-scheduling her, but we think it's good to be busy!

Compared to when I grew up in the late 1970s and 1980's, I feel like there is too much screen time when kids are not kept busy.

Are you kidding me? The only difference between now and then is back then everyone stared at the SAME screen.

No that's not the only difference. Back in the day, you didn't carry your screen with you everywhere, in your hand, to be able to stare at it literally 24/7, to the exclusion of the world around you.

This may come as a surprise but technology is changing the world. You sound like the crotchety old man waving his fist at the young whippersnappers who won't get off his lawn. Why are you afraid of technology? I mean- even in the OP's case, the phone isn't the issue. The hidden boyfriend is the issue. If the daughter didn't have the phone, OP wouldn't have found out. I can't believe how paranoid some people are the changing world. Are you the Alaskan Bush People?

Calm down, granny. I was merely responding to the comment that the ONLY DIFFERENCE between now and then is "back then everyone stared at the SAME screen." Well, no. There is more to it than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the input. We do have her in a ton of activities because we like to keep her busy and active. The grandparents accuse us of over-scheduling her, but we think it's good to be busy!

Compared to when I grew up in the late 1970s and 1980's, I feel like there is too much screen time when kids are not kept busy.

The grandparents are right. Your DD will feel the impact long before she normally would - she is going to burn out before college. You need to watch how much you push her. This is why she 1.) has a boyfriend and 2.) didn't tell you about it.

Since you asked.

[Anonymous]

A lot of kids this age have "boyfriends" or even same-gender "girlfriends (new thing apparently - it means more than friends but is not sexual. I don't get it).

Anyway, as long as it is just a special-friendship status, and not sexual, I think it's OK.

[Anonymous]

How's your home life? Is your daughter exposed to things that are making her too grown for her age?

[Anonymous]

My DD had the same "boyfriend" from 6 thru 8 th grade. They mostly texted , met up at chaperoned school dances and went on very large group movie nights with big group of boys and girls and supervised by someone's parent in the 7/8Th grades. No one on one dates and they went their separate ways for high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) This is why my 6th grader will never have her own phone

2) This is why, when she does get a phone in a couple of years -- maybe -- I will always have the password and have access to it. It will not be "her phone." It will be my phone that I am generous enough to let her use on occasion, when she demonstrates the maturity required to have one.

This is why she'll be pregnant her freshman year in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids this age have "boyfriends" or even same-gender "girlfriends (new thing apparently - it means more than friends but is not sexual. I don't get it).

Anyway, as long as it is just a special-friendship status, and not sexual, I think it's OK.

MY DD is also in 6th grade in Bethesda. She regularly reports who has "asked out who." She has vocally had a crush on one boy for a couple years and I recently teased her that this will prevent anyone else from asking her out. I happily only have to worry about this one boy who is clearly more into sports than my DD.

Best I can tell, these 6th grade relationship appear to consist almost entirely of texting one another. Then they break-up and create a bit more drama at school. I think the gossip and the drama and the social posturing seem the be the entire point of these relationships. For example, a mom at another school was just complaining to me that her 6th grade boy asked out one girl, which then resulted in two girls fighting over him. . . that's par for the course I believe.

On the phone front-- you've really missed the boat here. My dd has a phone with a wicked contract signed. Contract makes it clear it's my phone and her use can and will be forbidden for any reason I see fit including (any unkindness in her texts; changing her password to something I don't know; generaly snotty behavior at home; sharing her password with others; anything that suggests she's not trustworth). I modeled the contract from Rosalind Wiseman's book Mastermind and Wingman. I have embraced her approach to tweens' technology use. She suggests you should use these M.S. years to supervise their use of technology so you can teach
them safe and appropriate habits. It will be harder to do in H.S. so you need to actively do it NOW. It's a time-suck. But important.

I also told her sexting is prohibited in our family, I explained what it was. She was appropriately horrified--I think its better to get those subjects covered before they are in a situation where it's really relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids this age have "boyfriends" or even same-gender "girlfriends (new thing apparently - it means more than friends but is not sexual. I don't get it).

Anyway, as long as it is just a special-friendship status, and not sexual, I think it's OK.

MY DD is also in 6th grade in Bethesda. She regularly reports who has "asked out who." She has vocally had a crush on one boy for a couple years and I recently teased her that this will prevent anyone else from asking her out. I happily only have to worry about this one boy who is clearly more into sports than my DD.

Best I can tell, these 6th grade relationship appear to consist almost entirely of texting one another. Then they break-up and create a bit more drama at school. I think the gossip and the drama and the social posturing seem the be the entire point of these relationships. For example, a mom at another school was just complaining to me that her 6th grade boy asked out one girl, which then resulted in two girls fighting over him. . . that's par for the course I believe.

On the phone front-- you've really missed the boat here. My dd has a phone with a wicked contract signed. Contract makes it clear it's my phone and her use can and will be forbidden for any reason I see fit including (any unkindness in her texts; changing her password to something I don't know; generaly snotty behavior at home; sharing her password with others; anything that suggests she's not trustworth). I modeled the contract from Rosalind Wiseman's book Mastermind and Wingman. I have embraced her approach to tweens' technology use. She suggests you should use these M.S. years to supervise their use of technology so you can teach
them safe and appropriate habits. It will be harder to do in H.S. so you need to actively do it NOW. It's a time-suck. But important.

I also told her sexting is prohibited in our family, I explained what it was. She was appropriately horrified--I think its better to get those subjects covered before they are in a situation where it's really relevant.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the input. We do have her in a ton of activities because we like to keep her busy and active. The grandparents accuse us of over-scheduling her, but we think it's good to be busy!

Compared to when I grew up in the late 1970s and 1980's, I feel like there is too much screen time when kids are not kept busy.

So you don't like screen time but you give your 12yr old an iPhone and have no limits on it as well as no clue about the password and access. And instead of placing limits on her, you over-schedule her in various activities thinking it will keep her out of trouble. You sound like 99% of the DC metro population.

By the way, girls get pregnant in middle school. There was 2 last year in my DD's school. So a boyfriend in 6th grade and you not knowing it, should be a major concern. I am not saying to jump all over her but you are obviously oblivious with what is going on in your child's life.

Hope you have had the birds and the bees talk. Kids saying I love you in 6th grade aren't just hand-holding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) This is why my 6th grader will never have her own phone

2) This is why, when she does get a phone in a couple of years -- maybe -- I will always have the password and have access to it. It will not be "her phone." It will be my phone that I am generous enough to let her use on occasion, when she demonstrates the maturity required to have one.

This is why she'll be pregnant her freshman year in college.

Only in this area is not having a cell phone in 6th grade or limiting it's use = rebelling and getting pregnant in college. Your kids really do have full control over you, don't they? They have somehow manipulated you into thinking you are a bad mom if you don't give them a phone with unlimited access. You can't be that dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A "frank and explicit discussion" about sex is also premature at this age.

I strongly disagree. She'll be having frank and explicit discussions about sex with her peers within the next year or two (if not already). IMO you should be ahead of the curve and not behind it.