6th grade DD has boyfriend - too young!

[Anonymous]

Our DD is the oldest of our three children, and she attends a middle school in Bethesda. She is a good student and all-around great girl.

She asked me to charge her iPhone the other night. (Yes, we regret getting her one for her 12th birthday a few months ago because now she just wants to text her friends constantly and I think she's almost over-communicating with them.) She has a password for her iPhone, and I don't have access to it. (We probably need to supervise that more.)

When I charged her iPhone, a text came up from a boy that said "Love you. Good night." It was from a 6th grade boy at her school. She met him at the beginning of the school year, and I noticed she hangs out in groups that occasionally include him. He seems like a nice boy.

I think 6th grade is way too young to be receiving a text from a boy that says "Love you. Good night." I remember being a 6th grader, and some of the boys were already going way beyond kissing with girls in my school.

I welcome any advice other parents may have! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD is the oldest of our three children, and she attends a middle school in Bethesda. She is a good student and all-around great girl.

She asked me to charge her iPhone the other night. (Yes, we regret getting her one for her 12th birthday a few months ago because now she just wants to text her friends constantly and I think she's almost over-communicating with them.) She has a password for her iPhone, and I don't have access to it. (We probably need to supervise that more.)

When I charged her iPhone, a text came up from a boy that said "Love you. Good night." It was from a 6th grade boy at her school. She met him at the beginning of the school year, and I noticed she hangs out in groups that occasionally include him. He seems like a nice boy.

I think 6th grade is way too young to be receiving a text from a boy that says "Love you. Good night." I remember being a 6th grader, and some of the boys were already going way beyond kissing with girls in my school.

I welcome any advice other parents may have! Thank you!

You need to talk to her. But I'd be wary of forbidding the boyfriend- that particular horse is out of that particular barn. FWIW- my son is 16 and has been dating the same girl for over 4 years now. Daughter is 14, briefly dated a boy for about a month, has no real interest in dating anyone else (as far as I know).

Talk and perhaps most importantly- LISTEN. Your daughter is growing up, help her with it, don't try to control it. She's obviously starting to make decisions on her own- let her know that you're there for her.

[Anonymous]

1) This is why my 6th grader will never have her own phone

2) This is why, when she does get a phone in a couple of years -- maybe -- I will always have the password and have access to it. It will not be "her phone." It will be my phone that I am generous enough to let her use on occasion, when she demonstrates the maturity required to have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) This is why my 6th grader will never have her own phone

2) This is why, when she does get a phone in a couple of years -- maybe -- I will always have the password and have access to it. It will not be "her phone." It will be my phone that I am generous enough to let her use on occasion, when she demonstrates the maturity required to have one.

Isn't that a bit of a catch-22? How will she demonstrate the maturity to have one? Is she generally immature, irresponsible, and untrustworthy in other facets of her life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) This is why my 6th grader will never have her own phone

2) This is why, when she does get a phone in a couple of years -- maybe -- I will always have the password and have access to it. It will not be "her phone." It will be my phone that I am generous enough to let her use on occasion, when she demonstrates the maturity required to have one.

Not having a phone isn't going to prevent your daughter from having a boyfriend.

OP, FWIW, I've got three kids and they all had boyfriends/girlfriends in sixth grade. I can tell you that the parents who deny that their kids have coupled are burying their heads in the sand. Now, what it means to be boyfriend/girlfriend in sixth grade isn't all that much.

[Anonymous]

We got our DD a phone when she entered middle school, but you should have seen the contract we wrote for her. She's afforded zero privacy on that phone -- she knows we can -- AND DO -- check it.

[Anonymous]

You need to know the pwd on the phone now. That's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Ask her what she thinks it means to have a BF. You need to have a talk with her about boundaries between the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to know the pwd on the phone now. That's crazy.

I agree but your narrow view of this is what's really crazy.

Its not about controlling a 12 year old. Its about having a close relationship where she can come to you and tell you about this boy she likes. Where you can have frank and explicit discussions about the physical and emotional consequences of sex. Foster a relationship where she feels safe and comfortable enough to tell you about the pressure she feels from peers and possibly/probably from her boyfriend. Talk about birth control. Talk about your values. Meet the boy. Ask if his parents know. Ask if any of her friends have boyfriends. But don't treat this like the Spanish Inquisition. (nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...) It will be awkward, it will be uncomfortable- but start this lifelong conversation with your daughter now. Simply forbidding it and pretending this part of her life doesn't exist is a recipe for disaster. You cannot simply WISH this away.

That password is pretty low on the list of things OP needs to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to know the pwd on the phone now. That's crazy.

I agree but your narrow view of this is what's really crazy.

Its not about controlling a 12 year old. Its about having a close relationship where she can come to you and tell you about this boy she likes. Where you can have frank and explicit discussions about the physical and emotional consequences of sex. Foster a relationship where she feels safe and comfortable enough to tell you about the pressure she feels from peers and possibly/probably from her boyfriend. Talk about birth control. Talk about your values. Meet the boy. Ask if his parents know. Ask if any of her friends have boyfriends. But don't treat this like the Spanish Inquisition. (nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...) It will be awkward, it will be uncomfortable- but start this lifelong conversation with your daughter now. Simply forbidding it and pretending this part of her life doesn't exist is a recipe for disaster. You cannot simply WISH this away.

That password is pretty low on the list of things OP needs to focus on.

I'm not suggesting you forbid it. But a 12 year old girl can and should have many other activities going on in her life that take precedence over a boyfriend. I believe it is that kind of thing that you foster. A "frank and explicit discussion" about sex is also premature at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) This is why my 6th grader will never have her own phone

2) This is why, when she does get a phone in a couple of years -- maybe -- I will always have the password and have access to it. It will not be "her phone." It will be my phone that I am generous enough to let her use on occasion, when she demonstrates the maturity required to have one.

Isn't that a bit of a catch-22? How will she demonstrate the maturity to have one? Is she generally immature, irresponsible, and untrustworthy in other facets of her life?

I don't care if she's the most mature child on the planet -- 12 is too young to have that much access to a phone.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the input. We do have her in a ton of activities because we like to keep her busy and active. The grandparents accuse us of over-scheduling her, but we think it's good to be busy!

Compared to when I grew up in the late 1970s and 1980's, I feel like there is too much screen time when kids are not kept busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the input. We do have her in a ton of activities because we like to keep her busy and active. The grandparents accuse us of over-scheduling her, but we think it's good to be busy!

Compared to when I grew up in the late 1970s and 1980's, I feel like there is too much screen time when kids are not kept busy.

Are you kidding me? The only difference between now and then is back then everyone stared at the SAME screen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the input. We do have her in a ton of activities because we like to keep her busy and active. The grandparents accuse us of over-scheduling her, but we think it's good to be busy!

Compared to when I grew up in the late 1970s and 1980's, I feel like there is too much screen time when kids are not kept busy.

Are you kidding me? The only difference between now and then is back then everyone stared at the SAME screen.

No that's not the only difference. Back in the day, you didn't carry your screen with you everywhere, in your hand, to be able to stare at it literally 24/7, to the exclusion of the world around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) This is why my 6th grader will never have her own phone

2) This is why, when she does get a phone in a couple of years -- maybe -- I will always have the password and have access to it. It will not be "her phone." It will be my phone that I am generous enough to let her use on occasion, when she demonstrates the maturity required to have one.

Isn't that a bit of a catch-22? How will she demonstrate the maturity to have one? Is she generally immature, irresponsible, and untrustworthy in other facets of her life?

I don't care if she's the most mature child on the planet -- 12 is too young to have that much access to a phone.

You really didn't answer my question so I'll rephrase, if that's okay.

1) How old are your kids?
2) Are they irresponsible and untrustworthy?
3) Do they have any friends?
4) Are they only allowed to have face-to-face conversations?
5) Hypothetical situation- It's Saturday and a friend from school wants to invite your child over to watch a movie. What is the preferred method of communication- semaphore, aldis lamp, telegraph, or pen and paper?