Mother NEVER Calls Me

[Anonymous]

I vote #3 and applaud you for recognizing you won't change her.

This situation is similar to the dynamic with my wife and ILs (without the deceased brother). Call your mother as often as YOU want to, she won't change, she won't call until she feels the need. Take care of yourself, your needs, but I wouldn't cut her out completely unless the relationship is so toxic that your personal self-health necessitates.

[Anonymous]

My mom never calls me, either, but she has specifically told me it's that she feels I am really busy and she doesn't want to call at an inconvenient time. I've told her she can call whenever she wants but she still doesn't' want to "bother me". She started this when I went back to work FT (she called regularly when I was a SAHM). I realized she's TRYING to be considerate in her own way, although it still annoys me.

[Anonymous]

My father recently described a time in his 47 year marriage to my mother. She had breast cancer when I was 12. My father was by her side, devoted and committed. Next year, my parents announced they were getting a divorce. ?

My father said the prognosis was not good at the time. Unconsciously, he started to pull away from my mom. She sensed it, becoming 'needy'. He thought it was self-preservation, preparing for a huge loss.

Maybe your mother wants to keep a distance, unconsciously, because she can't stand another loss like that.

[Anonymous]

So? My mom died 14 years ago and I still miss her horribly. we didn't have a perfect relationship far from it, but I would have loved her to have seen her kids get married and meet at least 1 of her grandkids. stop acting like a baby and counting how many times she initiates calls. you said she's nice and warm.

also, can you imagine how you would feel if you lost your child? i am a mom of 2 young kids and if one of them died I would never recover. this doesn't mean i don't love the surviving child. it was hard enough losing a parent.

you need to count your blessings and cut your mom some slack. no one is perfect.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a couple of issues here:

1.) her favorite died

2.) she rejects you, possibly. if she does, she denies it

3.) she does not reject you, she is just not the warm and fuzzy type.

You can't fix the first one, nor replace him. What's done is done. I'm sure you miss him, she probably misses him more than you. Can you stand to talk about it with her? If not, don't. If yes, then try to be supportive and share in the good times.

If two, then again, you can't change her. You can do your best for your own sake and move on. There is nothing else to do about it.

If three, again, she is not going to change. this is your best gift to yourself, to realize this. you are never going to get what you need from her. do you have other relatives or friends to take the place of that aspect of your relationship? if it is done in a healthy way, there is nothing wrong with it.

No one can be everyone, even if they are supposed to be. In this case, your mother should step up, but doesn't. Either call her and don't go on about it; or don't call her and don't go on about it. Those are your choices.

[Anonymous]

My family never calls me. Frankly, I think it is because they find me a bit overwhelming. Perhaps it is the same with you. Perhaps they love you, but don't like you, not because you are not a good person, but because your needs/wants/interests are too different from theirs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not the mom or the grandmother you wish she was, but she's not mean. In fact, you say she's warm and friendly with the kids when she sees them or talks to them. She just doesn't call as often as you think she should. She's happy with you doing all the calling. You're not.

I'd just call her less often. Don't feel like you need to call once a week if it's making you seethe with resentment. But I really don't see the need to cut her off.

Also, your comments about your mother's grief are disgusting. She lost her child. Who the hell are you to say that her grief is disproportionate or fake or overdramatic? Have some fucking sympathy.

+1
OP it seems like you are making this into a big drama, but your mother said she was fine with things as they were. So why are you so frustrated that she hasn't changed? She didn't even promise to.
She texted you and you forced her hand by calling her and putting the kids on the phone- I know you think that's the relationship she should have with your kids but she doesn't want it- why can't you respect her wishes?
I know it must be upsetting, but at this point you are really doing it to yourself. No need to cut her off but it is time to accept this relationship for what it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in an extremely similar situation. Most of the people replying don't seem to get it. My mom calls me MAYBE once a year, and it hurts. I've brought it to her attention few years ago, and while she made an small attempt to be better, nothing really changed. I stopped calling her, and as a result, I never hear from her. My mom is also seemingly warm in person...that's not the issue. All the people who are saying she's not mean so get over it or that you not having enough sympathy or being too dramatic are blaming you, and I'm guessing, only furthering your worst feelings. Someone doesn't have to be mean to be hurtful. You're not being dramatic by expressing your pain and trying to find a solution that helps you keep your sanity.

It hurts when we've made our needs known to someone who claims to love us, yet they show no effort to alleviate that pain. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how painful and crazy making it is. I understand why cutting her out is an option, even though that's not what you want. I, too, am tired of pretending everything is fine, when I've already made it known that it isn't. I'm still in the middle of my situation and am light on productive advice. I can only share what I'm doing. First, I came to the realization that my mom loves the IDEA of me more than actually loving me. Second, I wrote her an extremely honest and long letter detailing all the reasons I came to the above realization but have yet to send it to her. I'm still trying to decide if sending it is the overall best and most healthy thing to do. Third, I'm done calling. I don't have kids, so that's not as complicated of a decision for me as it is for you. After forty years, I just couldn't keep investing in someone who has passively let me know that a close relationship just isn't that important to her. I have two quotes I keep close to my heart, maybe they'll be of some help to you, too.

Go where you're celebrated, not merely tolerated.

Home is not where you live but where you're understood. (I change the concept of home to the concept of family.)

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me too OP. My mom and I were basically Facebook and text friends. I have enough of those. She didn't want to talk or have a real relationship. Eventually the relationship became so strained we no longer speak at all...

+1. Same.

[Anonymous]

If I lost a child I think I would be pretty destroyed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for the input.

Anonymous wrote:
Also, your comments about your mother's grief are disgusting. She lost her child. Who the hell are you to say that her grief is disproportionate or fake or overdramatic? Have some fucking sympathy.

As for this comment

1) He was also my brother

2) I never said it was fake

3) Who am I to judge? You judge people every day and someone who can't hold it together 5 years later for months on end is not normal. Easy Francis.

Well so, yeah. I was mostly on your mom's side until this post, and now I am all the way there. She has done nothing wrong except to not be the person you want her to be. You should not say such terrible things about someone who has lost a child. You should not consider nuclear options like cutting her out because she doesn't call.

Enough people here have said this is the same dynamic with their parents that it is not necessarily unusual or a deal-breaker.
Frankly, you sound a bit cold and conflict prone.

You now why your mom texted and hung up after talking to your daughter? Because she knows the stupid passive aggressive game you are playing with the phone calls and doesn't really want to play. But she doesn't want to miss grandkid's birthday either.

[Anonymous]

My mother never calls but that's because she is a malignant narcissist. Once I figured that out, all the pieces fell into place. Maybe yours is too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK my mom and I are BFFs. We talk/text multiple times a day.

And she NEVER calls me. I always have to initiate calls. A few years ago I realized this and just stopped calling. After a month my dad had an intervention and said how upset my mom was. I decided life was too short and just started calling her again. I know she enjoys me calling, so I just put up with the fact that she won't call me.

In your case, your mom may consider that you are much busier than she is, and have kids' schedules to manage, so it's best if you call when it's a good time for you. That's how I think, as a mom of an adult. There's no drama involved.

OP has more issues, going way back, with her family dynamic and with tragedies. It's always difficult when we realize some things about our parents, that they will never be what we'd hoped. At that point, you have to accept and compromise, set down your boundaries to limit negative interactions, and then appreciate whatever positives there are.

[Anonymous]

This fuss about scorekeeping who calls who is one of the things I find difficult about so many women. I'm like a dude in this. Call me or don't call me. Maybe I'll call, or maybe I won't, because I'm not much of a phone person. I'm not going to "cut you out of my life" over this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Before my mother passed away, she rarely (and I mean rarely) called me and if she did it was usually because she needed specific information or something. I decided that was fine because then I get to call her when it is convenient for me. It kind of worked out nicely. I would call her when I was sitting in my car waiting for a kid to finish a lesson or on a long boring car ride or whatever,

Like your mom, she was also overly emotional about several past events (mostly around my Dad's birthday, anniversary of his passing etc.-- even though they were not particularly close) and that got old to me. She was never particularly interested in her grandkids either.

She called me a lot at the end because she needed help with various things.

And now she is gone. While we had a difficult relationship, I miss her everyday and wish I could pick up the phone and call her.