Mother NEVER Calls Me

[Anonymous]

I'll give a bit of background and then ask my question.

Me: Mid Forties, Married, three kids age 13,12,10, moved to the south 20 years ago

Mother: Mid Sixties, Divorced (not amicable and does not get along with Father who lives in the same state that I do and to whom I get along well), lives in my hometown, Stay at home mom whose last child left home more than 10 years ago.

I have always had to be the one to call her. She literally has never called me except for my birthday. About 6 years ago I pleaded with her to have a closer relationship with my kids. Her response was that she was happy with her relationship as it was. She is warm with them when she sees them (once a year but has means to make this happen far more often) and if you spoke to her separately she is very proud of being a great grandmother (which she is clearly not). Unlike some other the others on this board, she is not unkind or mean but just can't be bothered.

I am tired of always having to make the calls. I told her this many times in the past and she has always said that she likes things the way that they are. Entering into 2015, I decided that I would call her back exactly the number of times that she calls. IE If she calls, I will converse and the "ball" will be in my court to call her. I don't have the energy to fight with her about this and frankly I am kind of sick and tired of always having to be the one that calls.

I called and spoke with her on January 1st for 1/2 hour and had a pleasant conversation. She spoke with the kids for a couple of minutes and all in all was good. I have heard nothing from her since until yesterday. She texted me asking what DS wants for his upcoming birthday.

Instead of texting back, I called her last night. I had her talk with the three kids first and was going to talk to her when she was done talking to the kids. The last child to speak with her was my 13 year old DD who I whispered to her that I wanted to talk to her. I heard DD tell my mother this. However when DD handed my the phone, she said that grandma had to hangup due to an appointment.

I am so fed up with the nonsense of dealing with her. In everything in her life she is always the victim and has the woe is me mentality. Life of course sucks at times but she is unreal about pushing this into almost every area of her life. My brother died of a drug overdose 5 years ago. He was a couple of years younger that I am and got along with her. He was clearly her favorite child (I am my fathers favorite) but she has now turned this into a drama of near biblical proportions. The month of his death and the month of his birthday (which are 4 months apart) have her in near tears for months. She pines for him and has told brother #3 (my youngest brother) that she can't wait until she dies do that she can see him again. Brother #3 was obviously upset as he had his first child just months before.

Question

What should I do? I am not willing to invest a whole of energy into this. I have a great family and I need to spend my time and energy with them.

#1 - Stop taking calls and alienate myself from her?

#2 - Use the volley system of calling? (EI I call only if called, after having a conversation with her)

#3 - Continue me calling her?

I no longer try to change other people as I have learned that other people rarely change and even more rarely change based on other peoples desires. As I type this out (which has some therapeutic value) I'm not even sure I want to continue the conversations with her that are is if nothing is wrong and that our relationship and her relationship with the kids is great. I certainly don't want to continue calling her the once a week that I had done for years.

Anyone been through something like this?

[Anonymous]

Stop calling her if it's bothering you so much, but alienating yourself seems like a huge over-reaction. I understand that you are deeply disappointed in her lack of interest in developing a closer relationship with you and your children, but she is an adult, that is her choice, and it does not sound like she is being cruel or abusive.

Clearly, based on your last paragraph, there are much larger issues here (did you realize that paragraph was a complete non sequitur?), but as far as the calls go, the solution seems pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

If you want the relationship, call her.

I love my mom, my mom loves me, we get along very well...but it is still ALWAYS me that calls, and usually me who visits. Seriously, in the 10 years I've been out of the house living on the other side of the country, I think my mom has called me less than 5 times. We talk every week though--because it's important to me, so I call her.

[Anonymous]

My mother and father never called either, we always called her. In fact, when we saw they were calling it was always bad news, so now I have a phobia whenever I see their number. My mother died last March and Dad has been starting to call sometimes and it still freaks me out to see their number on caller ID.

If it is working, keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you will never have the relationship with her that you really want to have. No plan of when and how to make phone calls will change that.
It isn't working for you so decide what does work for you and do that. I don't think having a game of if she calls me I will call her is a good idea. If you aren't going to be annoyed calling her, do it. If you are, don't.

My mother is a perpetual victim as well. I spent years upset because I wanted/hoped/tried to improve and make the relationship better. I am just now starting to realize that it will never be want I want, it will never be good. I don't cut her out of my life but I stopped investing in it because it just made it worse. It sucks and I hope and worry everyday that I can always have a close relationship with my children.

[Anonymous]

Some people find phone conversations really stressful. (I'm one of them.) The fact that your mom texted, as opposed to calling, and was comfortable talking with kids (where it's easier to manage the conversation) but not an adult (you), makes me think that she's one of those people.

It feels like you're using picking up the phone as a litmus test for your mom's affection. But why does it matter who calls whom? If you really really need her to take the initiative to maintain contact, how about asking her to text or email you once a week? You can make a joke about it -- "Just send me something once a week so I know you're alive, Ma!"

[Anonymous]

Call when you think of her and want to check in on her. Don't cut her off. Doesn't make sense and you don't actually want to cut her off. You just want to send her a message that you are hurt. Cutting her off won't do that.

[Anonymous]

This was me too OP. My mom and I were basically Facebook and text friends. I have enough of those. She didn't want to talk or have a real relationship. Eventually the relationship became so strained we no longer speak at all...

[Anonymous]

Some parents feel it's the duty of children to call. Parents don't want to bother their children.

[Anonymous]

My husband's mother never calls. She doesn't even call on his birthday. It's the most whacked thing I've ever seen. His father will sometimes call -- sometimes. They completely think it is his responsibility to call them. I don't get it. My husband rarely calls them, it's normally only after I prod him and say, you really need to call it's been ages since you last spoke.

And, these are not uneducated people. His father was an HR manager and recruiter -- and trust me, I understand what is wrong with HR since I've known his father.

[Anonymous]

She's not the mom or the grandmother you wish she was, but she's not mean. In fact, you say she's warm and friendly with the kids when she sees them or talks to them. She just doesn't call as often as you think she should. She's happy with you doing all the calling. You're not.

I'd just call her less often. Don't feel like you need to call once a week if it's making you seethe with resentment. But I really don't see the need to cut her off.

Also, your comments about your mother's grief are disgusting. She lost her child. Who the hell are you to say that her grief is disproportionate or fake or overdramatic? Have some fucking sympathy.

[Anonymous]

OK my mom and I are BFFs. We talk/text multiple times a day.

And she NEVER calls me. I always have to initiate calls. A few years ago I realized this and just stopped calling. After a month my dad had an intervention and said how upset my mom was. I decided life was too short and just started calling her again. I know she enjoys me calling, so I just put up with the fact that she won't call me.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the input.

Anonymous wrote:
Also, your comments about your mother's grief are disgusting. She lost her child. Who the hell are you to say that her grief is disproportionate or fake or overdramatic? Have some fucking sympathy.

As for this comment

1) He was also my brother

2) I never said it was fake

3) Who am I to judge? You judge people every day and someone who can't hold it together 5 years later for months on end is not normal. Easy Francis.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's depressed.

[Anonymous]

My sister died 10 yrs ago and my mom is in a funk between her bday and death months. It's a horrible time for all of us. Also my mom was also not extremely close with my sister so her behavior took me by surprise as it seemed dramatic as well. Fast forward to me having my own kids and now I understand her pain. I have my own pain from losing a sibling but I can understand my mom's continuous grief for periods of time. I do also believe she's depressed and can't get out of her funk unless she takes action to help herself.

As for the calls, do what you feel you need to but remember your kids are old enough to figure out there are distant feelings with you and your mom and may be confused over it. I try to mimic the behavior I hope my kids will exhibit when I'm older. They constantly know I'm on the phone with my parents or other sibling. I want that to be the norm do when they are older, it's the norm for them as well.