Family wants to give $ for house down payment- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

It is actually very common for parents to help with a down payment. Think of it this way, you can do the same for your kids someday. Parents have the benefit of accumulation of wealth over time.

We accepted down payment assitance from my parents 12 years ago, and it has gone completely fine. My DH was initially opposed, but he came to see that it was a good decision. We were able to buy a house (nothing great) but in a good neighborhood, where the homes hold their value. That will set you up to have a good situation for your kids now, and be able to help them down the road when you sell and downsize.

[Anonymous]

Our parents did this for us, and we've done it for our children. In neither case was it ever mentioned again in any context that suggested obligation etc.

And truth be told, I'm not at all fond of my DIL, but I was happy to do this and am glad they can have a close in house in a good school district. I would never hold it over their heads. It's just what (some) families do.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws give us the gift amounts nearly every year (as in each of them give us $14K per person). It never would have occurred to us to not take the money since it is offered without strings. I agree with the PP to take the money and treat it as part of your inheritance.

That money has made our lives immeasurably easier and when one of us got sick, it made all of the difference. Take it and be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Some people are truly able to give money with no strings attached, but those people are rare. If you take this money from your parents, how likely is it that down the road you'll feel like you can't tell them it's not a good time to visit because they gave you the money for the house, or that they'll feel like they have a right to tell you if they disapprove of the house you've chosen to buy? You husband may be resisting this because he knows your parents and knows that the house will never truly be yours because your parents will always feel a certain degree of entitlement.

Also, I question whether you've give your husband's feelings due consideration at all. The way you've framed your post makes it clear you think your husband is wrong and that you should take the money. Do you even know why taking the money would make him uncomfortable, beyond the fact that it would?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are truly able to give money with no strings attached, but those people are rare. If you take this money from your parents, how likely is it that down the road you'll feel like you can't tell them it's not a good time to visit because they gave you the money for the house, or that they'll feel like they have a right to tell you if they disapprove of the house you've chosen to buy? You husband may be resisting this because he knows your parents and knows that the house will never truly be yours because your parents will always feel a certain degree of entitlement.

Also, I question whether you've give your husband's feelings due consideration at all. The way you've framed your post makes it clear you think your husband is wrong and that you should take the money. Do you even know why taking the money would make him uncomfortable, beyond the fact that it would?

Agreed, OP needs to understand and give appropriate weight to her DH's thoughts and feelings. He may be picking up on aspects of her parents that she's not letting herself see. But for many families, this way of transferring wealth is just something they do, and it doesn't necessarily translate into attempts to control.

[Anonymous]

How else can a young family buy into a nice neighborhood these days?

(We did not get any money from parents, but we are not young, either, about bought 20 years ago when real estate was different. I honestly don't think anyone gets by without gifts from parents now.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How else can a young family buy into a nice neighborhood these days?

(We did not get any money from parents, but we are not young, either, about bought 20 years ago when real estate was different. I honestly don't think anyone gets by without gifts from parents now.)

We just bought a SFH in Fairfax County without help from our parents. We paid for our own wedding, too. When you don't feel entitled to other people's money or a particular lifestyle beyond your means, you make it work.

I think it warps people to live beyond their means when they expect huge gifts from parents. I would consider a loan for a down payment of I had the means to pay it back to in-laws. I find it disturbing that OP seems to be completely dismissing her DH's objections. It's not necessarily about pride. It's about values. Or maybe he doesn't have a great relationship with IL's and such a huge gift would create a power imbalance or would make him feel otherwise uncomfortable in his own home. Those feelings matter. An objective of independence and self-sufficiency matters. It matters more than the size of a house. A lot more, to me.

[Anonymous]

It makes financial sense to lend money within a family for house purchases or other big investments.

We borrowed 80K from my ILs and 50K from my parents for our downpayment, and wrote up a lending agreement at 0% interest with a deadline for paying it back (5 years). Now they don't want their money back, and are basically saying it was a gift all along, which I suspected they would do! The money will be there if they ever need it, and more.

The impact it will have on your relationship with your parents depends on what kind of people they are.
Are they controlling and will they hold it over your head? Then perhaps it's worth asking someone else, or managing by yourselves. If they are level-headed, reasonable people, then by all means take advantage of the offer.

[Anonymous]

We had help from my parents for our down payment, and someday I hope to do the same for my kids. I'd prefer to spend money on them while I'm alive to see it, rather than give a more sizable chunk from an inheritance.

[Anonymous]

We borrowed some money from in laws for a down payment. We made sure to pay it back quickly (about a year), as they were the type to abuse any situation. It really depends on the people and their intentions (strings), as other pps have pointed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How else can a young family buy into a nice neighborhood these days?

(We did not get any money from parents, but we are not young, either, about bought 20 years ago when real estate was different. I honestly don't think anyone gets by without gifts from parents now.) [/quite]

well this is just ridiculous. we did it on our own, and we're in our 30s, making 140k. that said, gifts from family can be a huge help and I don't see why you wouldn't take it unless your parents are going to make you regret it. if either of our families could or would have helped, , it would have been appreciated!

[Anonymous]

My grandmother did the same for us. Her view was, "what's the point of leaving you the money when I'm dead? At least now I can see you enjoy it."

She was right. I moved to a neighborhood near family, with good schools and she got to see my kids a lot more than she would have if I'd been banished to Burke or something.

It opened my eyes to a different way of seeing money and the gift: it wasn't about the money it was about seeing the happiness it afforded us - and perhaps not coincidentally - the happiness it afforded her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I would take it. This is only a general comment, but a lot of parents understand that things are a lot more difficult for their kids, economically wise, than they were for them (college loans, home prices, work insecurities). This sounds like a general offer. As a compromise, maybe the amount could be reduced.

Agreed. My ILs gave us $ when we bought a house, and had given the same to DH's sister when she bought hers. It was a very nice gesture with no strings attached.

[Anonymous]

We received money from my inlaws for our downpayment and it was incredibly helpful (and generous!). I am impressed by people who are able to save up the whole downpayment themselves, but, given that our mortgage is the same as we were paying in rent, it would have been really hard to do for us.

[Anonymous]

Make it a loan. Draw up a promissary note with monthly payments and an interest rate lower than what the bank would charge but higher than what your parents would receive from having the money sit in a savings account. We did this and it worked out well for all parties. You get your bigger house in a safe suburb with good schools, your DH keeps his pride, and your parents get the satisfaction of helping you and making some money at the same time.