You shouldn't have married daddy

[Anonymous]

Everyone on here love to push people for divorce. How about therapy? Maybe you two need to have date nights and reconnect?

[Anonymous]

What people are saying here is profoundly affecting me (NP).

To those of you affected by toxic marriages of your parents- were your parents at least kind and affectionate to the kids?

[Anonymous]

Take it with a grain of salt.
The truth is, it's all on you in the sense that you have to project confidence and love. If your spouse sabotages you, that's really hard.

I have cried in front of my kids. And screamed at DH.
My children have been pained by this. Yet they have also seen what a great team we make 90% of the time.

No marriage is perfect, and children need to know that too. There is no happily ever after, and you have to work hard to make love last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone on here love to push people for divorce. How about therapy? Maybe you two need to have date nights and reconnect?

Oftentimes there is nothing to reconnect to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This brings so many memories for me of seeing my mom be emotionally abused by my dad. You need to get out now, before your little girl can be anymore scarred by this.

+1. I totally got it when my parents divorced, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. It took a while for us to recover but living 'independently' with my mom was an empowering way to grow up. She eventually remarried and modeled a much healthier relationship.

This is OP. Do you mind sharing how old you were when your parents divorced? Or how young these memories go back?

I was 17-18 when they finally separated and got divorced (and it was messy- I mean my mom had to get a restraining order to get my father to even leave the house, she was a sahm so had no way of moving out herself). I have memories and issues Darin back to probably around age 4. My little siblings, who saw less of my father growing up because he got a job overseas, have way less intimacy issues than me, but we are all messed up because of it. My mom really regrets not getting a divorce earlier because then she could have met someone else when she was younger, and I'll admit I resent her for not doing the same. So many times in my life were ruined by my fathers anger and caprice and it seems downright tragic to me that we suffered for that long. And of course, it has taken me painful years of therapy and failed relationships to even start working through all the self esteem and anger issues he has given me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are saying here is profoundly affecting me (NP).

To those of you affected by toxic marriages of your parents- were your parents at least kind and affectionate to the kids?

I just posted (parents divorced at 17). My mother is pretty emotionally affectionate, if not physically. My father can be emotionally affectionate but thT is pretty much ruined and doesn't mean a lot when it is tempered with bouts of emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This brings so many memories for me of seeing my mom be emotionally abused by my dad. You need to get out now, before your little girl can be anymore scarred by this.

+1. I totally got it when my parents divorced, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. It took a while for us to recover but living 'independently' with my mom was an empowering way to grow up. She eventually remarried and modeled a much healthier relationship.

This is OP. Do you mind sharing how old you were when your parents divorced? Or how young these memories go back?

I was 17-18 when they finally separated and got divorced (and it was messy- I mean my mom had to get a restraining order to get my father to even leave the house, she was a sahm so had no way of moving out herself). I have memories and issues Darin back to probably around age 4. My little siblings, who saw less of my father growing up because he got a job overseas, have way less intimacy issues than me, but we are all messed up because of it. My mom really regrets not getting a divorce earlier because then she could have met someone else when she was younger, and I'll admit I resent her for not doing the same. So many times in my life were ruined by my fathers anger and caprice and it seems downright tragic to me that we suffered for that long. And of course, it has taken me painful years of therapy and failed relationships to even start working through all the self esteem and anger issues he has given me.

I'm the second pp here (the +1). My dad moved out when I was 3, back in a year later, out again when I was 5, back in a year later, and was actually living in the house when the divorce was final when I was 8. My mom was a basket case the whole time - really basic stuff eluded her (like me getting made fun of foe wearing the same clothes all the time, because she just let me dress myself and didnt notice). I have bits and pieces of memories from 3 or so but mostly just remember my big brother (5 years older) trying to entertain me while they yelled at each other, and how emotionally absent she was. It took a few years but by the time I was maybe 11 or 12 she had her act together and we became very close. She remarried when I was 26 but he moved in when I was maybe 18 and was as much of a father figure to me as one can be for an 18 year old.

She sent me for a lot of therapy, always supported me when my dad was abusive to me, and she tells me now she absolutely flipped when she met my college boyfriend who was a bit abusive. I just recently went back to therapy to deal with some different issues in my marriage and am still learning so much about how who I am derives from growing up with my father. All of which to say, OP, some damage may already have been done but with the right attention and love we are all capable of healing. Get out now, find your way, be open with DD as she grows up and she will be ok. And ,maybe you'll find someone who can help you model a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update. I told dh what dd said. (Hope he doesn't peruse dcum). I told him I might be the worst wife ever, but he becomes a bad father the moment he berates me for my "failings" and storms off in front of our children. He feels terrible, but i don't believe anything will change. We've had these talks before after fighting in front of the kids. It's futile.

Oh, and my "failing" tonight, if it matters: when he left with younger dd (1) to change her and told me to order for him, I ordered for everyone including 2 kids and forgot to order him a coke and to ask for bread. Something has got to change. I just don't think my dh is capable of change. I would do anything. I would become someone else entirely and sacrifice myself if it would actually change the way dh treated me.

You can't make that change happen. You can only change what you consider healthy or acceptable, and really either you both go to counseling (which often will just make it more clear you need to go), or you and the kids go. Do you go to counseling on your own? You should. Do you have a back up plan for if you leave, can you support yourself and the kids and do you have a place to go?

Seriously, start planning for the end. Sometimes that shifts the dynamic enough that the few partners who might be capable and willing to change somewhere in themselves, they get the message they're about to lose their spouse and they take changing mroe seriously. And if they don't... you already have your exit plan and you should absolutely use it.

You are NOT, I repeat NOT doing your kids any favors by staying. And as your daughter pretty much pointed out at the wise old age of FOUR, you are probably doing damage by staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This brings so many memories for me of seeing my mom be emotionally abused by my dad. You need to get out now, before your little girl can be anymore scarred by this.

+1. I totally got it when my parents divorced, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. It took a while for us to recover but living 'independently' with my mom was an empowering way to grow up. She eventually remarried and modeled a much healthier relationship.

This is OP. Do you mind sharing how old you were when your parents divorced? Or how young these memories go back?

I was 17-18 when they finally separated and got divorced (and it was messy- I mean my mom had to get a restraining order to get my father to even leave the house, she was a sahm so had no way of moving out herself). I have memories and issues Darin back to probably around age 4. My little siblings, who saw less of my father growing up because he got a job overseas, have way less intimacy issues than me, but we are all messed up because of it. My mom really regrets not getting a divorce earlier because then she could have met someone else when she was younger, and I'll admit I resent her for not doing the same. So many times in my life were ruined by my fathers anger and caprice and it seems downright tragic to me that we suffered for that long. And of course, it has taken me painful years of therapy and failed relationships to even start working through all the self esteem and anger issues he has given me.

I'm the second pp here (the +1). My dad moved out when I was 3, back in a year later, out again when I was 5, back in a year later, and was actually living in the house when the divorce was final when I was 8. My mom was a basket case the whole time - really basic stuff eluded her (like me getting made fun of foe wearing the same clothes all the time, because she just let me dress myself and didnt notice). I have bits and pieces of memories from 3 or so but mostly just remember my big brother (5 years older) trying to entertain me while they yelled at each other, and how emotionally absent she was. It took a few years but by the time I was maybe 11 or 12 she had her act together and we became very close. She remarried when I was 26 but he moved in when I was maybe 18 and was as much of a father figure to me as one can be for an 18 year old.

She sent me for a lot of therapy, always supported me when my dad was abusive to me, and she tells me now she absolutely flipped when she met my college boyfriend who was a bit abusive. I just recently went back to therapy to deal with some different issues in my marriage and am still learning so much about how who I am derives from growing up with my father. All of which to say, OP, some damage may already have been done but with the right attention and love we are all capable of healing. Get out now, find your way, be open with DD as she grows up and she will be ok. And ,maybe you'll find someone who can help you model a healthy relationship.

NP, yes yes and yes. I was 3 when my parents split. They took me to the doctor because I wasn't sleeping. It took awhile, but thanks to an astute doc, he finally asked if they were arguing around me and they realized they had to split up because it was actually affecting my physical health. Not only did I never regret that they got divorced, when I was about 9 or 10 both my parents remember me thanking them (separately) for splitting up, because I had so many friends growing up in toxic households and I realized I'd been spared the insanity in my later years. To this day I'm glad they split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Take it with a grain of salt.
The truth is, it's all on you in the sense that you have to project confidence and love. If your spouse sabotages you, that's really hard.

I have cried in front of my kids. And screamed at DH.
My children have been pained by this. Yet they have also seen what a great team we make 90% of the time.

No marriage is perfect, and children need to know that too. There is no happily ever after, and you have to work hard to make love last.

No child should ever have to see/hear parents screaming at each other. If you think that's normal or healthy, you are delusional. My DH and I have been married 27 years. We have never screamed at each other. Our marriage is not perfect, but we would never behave like that.

Kids shouldn't have to deal with that kind of stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are saying here is profoundly affecting me (NP).

To those of you affected by toxic marriages of your parents- were your parents at least kind and affectionate to the kids?

I'm sure there are many varieites of the scenario represented here (where some parents were kind and affectionate, others maybe one parent was and one wasn't, or many like a PP where one wasn't so kind and the other was checked out and emotionally unavailable). But the more important thing you need to realize is how damaging and toxic and scarring it is for kids to see parents being unkind to EACH OTHER. That is incredibly damaging too. I've yet to see the truly messed up relationship (where at least one parent spends most of their time unhappy or miserable or deeply depressed) and it turned out to be a good thing they "stayed togehter for the kids". No, all I''ve seen is where they split up and then wonder why it took them so long to take that step, or they stayed together and all hell broke loose.

The best thing for kids is modeling healthy problem solving and holding to healthy standards for how one should be treated. Always ask yourself what you'd want your son or daughter to do if they were in a loveless or toxic or abusive or destructive relationship. Would you want them to feel like they had to stay? Or would you want them to feel like they deserve better and to set boundaries that if not met they get out? Kids are most affected by what you model, no matter how much "good advice" you try to give them.

[Anonymous]

I am recently divorced and I would suggest that you attempt to work it out one last time. Really talk to each other about what needs to change for the relationship to work. If you can't agree on what that should look like or one of you is unwilling to make that change, then you can try a separation.

It sounds like you really dislike each other at the moment. That isn't all that unusual with toddlers and infants around, but not all relationships can be saved or are worth saving.

Just remember that if you do divorce, your DH is likely to spend 50% of your kids time alone with him. Will he treat them better than he treats you? Will you feel safe leaving them with him? It is something to think about before you leave.

My ex started out asking for 50% custody, but in reality he sees my kids about 48 hours a month. So, in my case -- that isn't as much of an issue.

Anyway, hugs to you and your kids. If possible, don't talk badly about your DH in front of the kids. Even when your DD is astute and understands, you can let her know that you love her daddy, but the two of you are both having a hard time treating each other well. It's not worth trying to get your kids to take sides. It only hurts them in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure you have a bad marriage and your kid is picking up the vibe. Still, I want to caution you to take what kids say with a pinch of salt.

I have a great marriage and my DH is a great dad. Yet, each time he limits the TV time for my son, my son rushes to me and tells me, "You should have asked him if he would allow children to watch tv before you married him."

So, sometimes kids react to small things. They have no concept of the complexity of adult relationships.

+ 1

My Daughter when she was 7 to about 14 would tell me that we should divorce. Later, we discovered because all her friends were from broken families. Agree with pp completely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update. I told dh what dd said. (Hope he doesn't peruse dcum). I told him I might be the worst wife ever, but he becomes a bad father the moment he berates me for my "failings" and storms off in front of our children. He feels terrible, but i don't believe anything will change. We've had these talks before after fighting in front of the kids. It's futile.

Oh, and my "failing" tonight, if it matters: when he left with younger dd (1) to change her and told me to order for him, I ordered for everyone including 2 kids and forgot to order him a coke and to ask for bread. Something has got to change. I just don't think my dh is capable of change. I would do anything." I would become someone else entirely and sacrifice myself if it would actually change the way dh treated me.

No need for dramatic sacrifices. Divorce this asshole. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

If my child said that to me she wouldn't be able to sit down. I would have beat her ass till it bleed. She needs to learn her place.