How to tell best friend who is struggling with infertility that I am pregnant

[Anonymous]

This is perhaps the hardest thing about infertility: The feelings that rise up when other women close to you get pregnant, particularly close friends.

From my experience (TTC for nearly 2 years now), there's no perfect way to tell her. Although some ways are better than others. And just the fact that you care about how you tell her means you're a good friend who will be considerate about it.

If you must do it in person, make sure your friend has an out. Like a walk where she can peel away, or a short coffee date where she might be able to leave. Her reaction is not about you at all. If she is a good friend, she'll be happy for you and thrilled about your baby. But she will need a little space to process the news. It hurts to see other people getting something you are doing everything you can to get. It just stings. It's not even jealousy, it's just sadness. Your infertile friends is not upset at you, just upset at what you have that she doesn't. It hurts.

A phone call is best, even if just texting your your friend means she'll figure it out. She's going to know what's coming, but if you schedule a phone call, she'll get to react on her own terms, in a non-public place, and can cut the conversation short if she needs to.

Do not talk about how easy it was, or how it was an accident. Just say that it was unexpected and you're still processing the news yourself, if you have to say anything.

Give your friend some space. She's grieving what she can't have, a loss you do not know if you haven't been there. Remember: It has very little to do with you. And it might not be easy for her to be involved in, say, a baby shower. That's asking a lot of women struggling with infertility.

And above all, make sure she hears it from you, not someone else. It will mean a lot to her that you went out of her way to tell her in person or over the phone, that her friendship is so valuable to you that you wanted to share your happy news with her first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hi, I wanted to tell you my news - I am expecting!"

She is your BF. She does not wish you ill. She will not be hurt. Sure, she wants that for herself too, but she is able to take other people'e good news. She will appreciate that you think her generous-hearted enough to be happy for you.

No no no no no no no.

Actually, yes! I struggled with IF and multiple failures before finally getting pregnant after three years. In those three years many of my friends had their first, and in some cases second, child. It was such a brutually tough and lonely time. But, what was especially hurtful, was when friends treated me like some monster who couldn't possibly be happy for them and either made me the last to know of their pregnancies or announced it in a patronizing fashion.

A simple e-mail will do:

Hi Jane,

I have some big news to share. I'm pregnant. I just found out a couple of weeks ago - it's early - but am sharing it with my closest friends first.

I'm looking forward to seeing you soon. In the meantime, thinking of you and much love to you and Bob.

Love,
Betsy

Give her time to digest the news and she may respond, she may not. Don't take it personally either way. What she will know is that you are a close person to you and that you care about her, too.

[Anonymous]

Oh man. First of all, I want to say that you are a great friend for even asking this question. I'd say 90% of people really have no concept that there are SO many people struggling with infertility and are truly insensitive when it comes to breaking the news about pregnancy.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 16 months and are in the process of our first round of IVF. Many friends in this time period of my life have become pregnant, including my sister in law. The ones that really were very hard for me to deal with were the "and it was the first month trying!" Clearly, you've gotten this advice and won't ever say it (but please also not just to your friend but to anyone. You really have no idea who is going through IF because it's such an intensly private thing).

I totally agree with the poster who said to give her an "out." I have generally responded really well to friends, but when my sister in law told me she was pregnant, I lost it. Thankfully I was at my office and it was via phone, so I could congratulate her, close my door, have a good cry, and then go on my way.

And I don't know about others going through IF, but I am geniuenly happy for people once they are pregnant (especially good friends). I would feel worse thinking that my friends were worried about telling me more than anything else, honestly. So just be direct: "I know you have been going through a really hard time and if you want to just take a few days to digest this, that's totally ok. But I am pregnant!" And you have the right to be excited and you should be. I can virtually guarantee she will be excited for you too.

[Anonymous]

As someone struggling with infertility for more than 5 years, I can tell you it doesn't matter how you tell your friend. It will disturb her anyway. Not that she or anyone in her shoes wishes ill for you, but it's hard to see and accept others getting pregnant. Just tell her in your own way without analyzing too much. One day she will come to know even if you don't tell and she will feel whatever she usually feels for her people getting pregnant.

[Anonymous]

This announcement is a turning point among friends anyway. Those who have kids and those who do not live in very different worlds. And FTP women ... live in a special crazy world for the whole 9 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hi, I wanted to tell you my news - I am expecting!"

She is your BF. She does not wish you ill. She will not be hurt. Sure, she wants that for herself too, but she is able to take other people'e good news. She will appreciate that you think her generous-hearted enough to be happy for you.

No no no no no no no.

Actually, yes! I struggled with IF and multiple failures before finally getting pregnant after three years. In those three years many of my friends had their first, and in some cases second, child. It was such a brutually tough and lonely time. But, what was especially hurtful, was when friends treated me like some monster who couldn't possibly be happy for them and either made me the last to know of their pregnancies or announced it in a patronizing fashion.

A simple e-mail will do:

Hi Jane,

I have some big news to share. I'm pregnant. I just found out a couple of weeks ago - it's early - but am sharing it with my closest friends first.

I'm looking forward to seeing you soon. In the meantime, thinking of you and much love to you and Bob.

Love,
Betsy

Give her time to digest the news and she may respond, she may not. Don't take it personally either way. What she will know is that you are a close person to you and that you care about her, too.

I also struggled for years and this is the exact approach I preferred. Send an email so that your friend has time to process the news privately. And then assume that your friend is part of your life and will be happy for you and wants to share in your joy.

One of my very close friends told me at a crowded restaurant and it was truly terrible. I was so emotionally raw that I could barely get through the meal without crying. In fact, every time I tried to speak I was choking up. I was happy for her but I also just in a bad place and I was mortified that my reaction to her wonderful news was tears. She meant well, but it was not great. Give your friend a chance to process privately.

[Anonymous]

Please don't talk to people about getting pregnant the first month - no matter who you are talking too really - it's just TMI (maybe your other best friend who isn't struggling with infertility). I was in line behind two people ordering lunch the other week & one was talking to the other about about getting pregnant right after pulling the goalie -- and the other woman and everyone in line was basically squimish about it. On the more general point - I did struggle with infertility and losses - and did end up having it impact lots of friendships. Ended up 'growing apart' from lots of friends I had through my 20s when they had kids earlier, and lots of people who said things that sound 'normal' but I found hard to be around when I was TTC and then going through various losses - including totally not wanting to talk to my best friend from childhood anymore who really didn't get it. Agree with PP that there's a turning point in life around having kids and where your focus goes after that. It's really nice that you're approaching this thoughtfully and with sensitivity - I'd say it more depends on your friend's emotional status for how she'll react. Some women struggling with infertility find it hard to be around pregnancies and babies etc and others are ok with it. I'd keep it to a very straight ahead and basic type of conversation & you can probably gauge her comfort level as things progress - but I'd also advise to get ready that I'm sure it will hurt on your side too where there's a loss of not being able to share your 'news' and stories (like 'cute' anecdotes from doctors visits and swelling feet and all that) the same way with your close friend as you'd like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This announcement is a turning point among friends anyway. Those who have kids and those who do not live in very different worlds. And FTP women ... live in a special crazy world for the whole 9 months.

So very, very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fsh and I got pregnant first month of trying. Best friend since childhood has been struggling for 3 years including 3 failed ivf and one successful one that ended in miscarriage 2 weeks after pos test. How do I tell her in the easiest way possible? I love her and want to be sensitive.

Also, please consider that it's not a "one successful one" if it ended in a miscarriage. A successful IVF Cycle is one that ends with a baby.

From,
Someone who has been there many times

[Anonymous]

If you know she checks e-mail at home at night, send her an e-mail during a time when she might be able to read it alone, privately. Getting an e-mail like that at work one day threw me for a loop.

I struggled to conceive for years and every new friend's pregnancy was agonizing. I was happy for them but so sad for myself. And I was embarrassed to be outwardly sad in public. It felt selfish.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that's the worst thing about it. It *feels* selfish to have these feelings. It's not. It's normal.

That said, I think it's selfish to be put out about pregnant women in the elevator, when you're on the way to yet another transvaginal ultrasound for ayet another IUI. I've caught myself feeling that way, and that's selfish and entitled. They're doing you no harm! Their baby isn't taking away from the overall supplies of babies out there!

And neither is your friend's baby or happy news. But it is a very personal and visible reminder of what you don't have and may not get. And you can lose friendships over it, if someone tells you in a way that shows they have no regard for your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Newly Pregnant OP, not that you are smug or anything, but before you get overconfident and share/spread the news. Make sure your pregnancy is going along well. I had friends that had issues with their first/easy pregnancy and then went on to have 3-4 successful pregnancies.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all this information. I am going to wait until I am 3/4 months before telling anyone. She lives in another state so I will need to tell her over the phone. Is previewing this topic with her husband, who I am friendly with, a good idea or not? She has been trying for 3 years. Is it correct in my saying she has had 3 failed IVFs if she has only done egg retrieval 1x and then they were fertilized and implanted in her 3x but they were all from the same first harvest of eggs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all this information. I am going to wait until I am 3/4 months before telling anyone. She lives in another state so I will need to tell her over the phone. Is previewing this topic with her husband, who I am friendly with, a good idea or not? She has been trying for 3 years. Is it correct in my saying she has had 3 failed IVFs if she has only done egg retrieval 1x and then they were fertilized and implanted in her 3x but they were all from the same first harvest of eggs?

I'd vote for e-mail and no, I would not go the husband route. If my friend who just got pregnant relayed that information through my husband I'd think them cowardly and insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's the worst thing about it. It *feels* selfish to have these feelings. It's not. It's normal.

That said, I think it's selfish to be put out about pregnant women in the elevator, when you're on the way to yet another transvaginal ultrasound for ayet another IUI. I've caught myself feeling that way, and that's selfish and entitled. They're doing you no harm![b] Their baby isn't taking away from the overall supplies of babies out there!

And neither is your friend's baby or happy news. But it is a very personal and visible reminder of what you don't have and may not get. And you can lose friendships over it, if someone tells you in a way that shows they have no regard for your feelings.

I had those thoughts, especially on the way to and from the OB for my miscarriage(s) follow ups. I always reminded myself that I don't know what those women went through to get pregnant, they very well might of had the same struggle I did. Now I know a few "My husband just looks at me and I'm pregnant!" women that love to talk about it and I still want to strangle them even though I'm pregnant. Just stfu and keep it to yourself!