Brother proactively told me that my kids are not his favorite nieces - do I need to change anything?

[Anonymous]

Definitely say something to him. Explain that he hurt your feelings, and tell him that while you can't change the way he feels, he should keep these feelings to himself.
Please do say something, though....my MIL has shown favoritism toward my SIL's kids for years, and it's extremely noticeable to my children. It has deeply hurt them, and they don't understand that the cause involves me, not them. Don't let this happen to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Okay, cut your brother off. Refuse to see him again. That's clearly what you want, but I strongly respect it's really due to your own hurt about not being the favorite than out of a need to protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

The only reason he would say that is to hurt you. I would not invite him over or go out of your way to do anything with him. Fuck him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as your brother isn't demonstrating his favoritism to the kids, there's nothing for you to shield them from, and until he actually does something, you shouldn't assume he will. Otherwise, it starts to sound an awful lot like withholding your kids as a tool to punish him.

Well him vocalizing it to me just has me worried he'll vocalize it to them. I could just take a "wait & see" approach, which is what I'm leaning towards, but on the other hand, once he says it he can't take it back and at that point, I will have wished I hadn't even given him the chance to repeat it to them at all. In practical terms though, there's probably not much to do - I'm not going to avoid family holidays because of this and that's the only time he sees them. I was just wondering do I need to supervise his interactions with them now so I can cutoff any conversation that starts to go down that path? Normally my husband and I go out on a date when visiting my parents but if my brother's crashing with my parents at the same time we are, then do we not go out since my parents aren't going to cut my brother off if he starts up with this or some other inappropriate conversation? I don't want to expose my kids to some insulting, inconsiderate comments or one of his angry rants, which can be kind of scary, but I also know that in his eyes, none of what he says is particularly serious so I know he doesn't mean to cause harm, at least not directly. I'm not worried that he would intentionally hurt their feelings or freak them out, but there's a decent chance he'd do it out of carelessness. My husband doesn't have the stomach for my brother's insults, because he can't just dismiss it with "oh, he doesn't mean it" and I think anyone who didn't grow up with the guy would have a similar reaction.

There's a difference between insulting, inappropriate, inconsiderate comments and your brother saying that your daughters are not his favorite nieces. Sooner or later your daughters are going to be put in a position where, either by subtle or overt circumstances, they are not the favorite of a family member, friend, teacher, boy, or whomever. You can't protect them from that. That is not an insult. It's a reality. It's life. Teach them that they don't need to always be the favorite and you will do them a valuable lesson.

Now if your brother is actually INSULTING them -- calling them stupid, worthless, ugly -- whatever -- that's another question. You should absolutely call him out. But the fact that he doesn't consider them is favorite little lovey dovies is hardly a reason for you and hubby to avoid date night. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how old your girls are but if they are over 4 and he is showing subtle favoritism, they're likely to notice. He's vindictive enough to say it to get to you(let's be real, he knew you would be hurt by this), he's likely to try to get to you again. He knows you're protective over your kids and it's a sensitive matter for you so he knows it's a button. I would not leave my kids unattended there. Your parents may not be as way of his actions or intentions and less likely to pick up on any passive aggressiveness. I wouldn't even bring it up, you'll end up being labeled as overly protective and sensitive. Limit the opportunity he has to say anything vindictive to them. If he notices you monitoring his interactions and says anything I'd just say you wanted make sure he didn't was go out of his way to make it known to them that they "aren't his favorite". Maybe then he'd feel like an immature jerk realizing that he forced you to have to be productive of your kids around him. Most likely he won't be that close to realization and will probably exhibit more immature negative attention seeking behavior for a few more years. But whatever you do, don't leave your kids there to be apart of his childish game, it is not fair to them. Good luck!

It sounds like he's a grade-A grudge holder who's still in a snit about the dog. I wouldn't leave my kids alone with him. He sounds immature and bratty and willing and ready to say mean things to make his point.

I would also ignore the trolly OP basher who posted on here a couple of times - that person/type who shows up on every thread offering contrarian, stupid advice about how it's all your fault and all of your instincts and reactions are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how old your girls are but if they are over 4 and he is showing subtle favoritism, they're likely to notice. He's vindictive enough to say it to get to you(let's be real, he knew you would be hurt by this), he's likely to try to get to you again. He knows you're protective over your kids and it's a sensitive matter for you so he knows it's a button. I would not leave my kids unattended there. Your parents may not be as way of his actions or intentions and less likely to pick up on any passive aggressiveness. I wouldn't even bring it up, you'll end up being labeled as overly protective and sensitive. Limit the opportunity he has to say anything vindictive to them. If he notices you monitoring his interactions and says anything I'd just say you wanted make sure he didn't was go out of his way to make it known to them that they "aren't his favorite". Maybe then he'd feel like an immature jerk realizing that he forced you to have to be productive of your kids around him. Most likely he won't be that close to realization and will probably exhibit more immature negative attention seeking behavior for a few more years. But whatever you do, don't leave your kids there to be apart of his childish game, it is not fair to them. Good luck!

It sounds like he's a grade-A grudge holder who's still in a snit about the dog. I wouldn't leave my kids alone with him. He sounds immature and bratty and willing and ready to say mean things to make his point.

I would also ignore the trolly OP basher who posted on here a couple of times - that person/type who shows up on every thread offering contrarian, stupid advice about how it's all your fault and all of your instincts and reactions are wrong.

^^ And I meant to add, I agree with the PP I quoted above! The trolly OP basher is someone who's posting elsewhere in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may be just young and stupid. Before acting on it, explain to him that he hurt your feelings.

You could do this, but actually I'd forget the "hurt your feelings" part because it's going down a tangent. The real issue is you are worried about it getting out and creating a dynamic with your kids and their cousins. (and hurting your kids' feelings).

I'd say, "Hey Larlo, I was thinking about the comment you made the other day about X and Y not being your favorite nieces. I don't expect you to like all your nieces equally, but I'd appreciate it if you don't go volunteering this around as it would really hurt X and Y's feelings if they heard this because they really love you. Please don't punish them because you and I are not as tight as OtherSib. If you want to address that, let's do it--with each other"

And btw he sounds really immature/angry/jealous/competative/petty and I see why you aren't so tight with him. He is clearly using your kids to get at you, something I really hate. But sometimes these people (especially if they don't have kids) need to be reminded that kids should be off-limits as weapons in the ongoing adult conflicts.

[Anonymous]

If your brother tends to blurt out insensitive things like that, I would make a point of calling him out on it immediately, on the spot, regardless of who's in the room. Stay calm, look him in the eye, and put it on a "etiquette" level without explaining that your feelings are hurt.
It may make you uncomfortable in the moment, but if done consistently over a period of time, this is a very efficient method for training people who don't mean to be nasty, but who don't realize how hurtful they can be. Basically, you have to demonstrate stronger willpower and doggedness than he does. I did this with my husband, who has Asperger's tendencies.

You can always tell him now that you can't change how he feels, but that his remarks were so egregious that you have to demand he never manifest his preference in front of the kids. In short, " What you said was a big no-no. So watch yourself, or else".

[Anonymous]

How old are they? Except for the youngest of kids, I don't see this as a huge problem unless he's being rude to them. Your kids will not always be the favorite. Your kids probably do not see him as their favorite. If he were to actually say that to them, then you can explain this fact of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, cut your brother off. Refuse to see him again. That's clearly what you want, but I strongly respect it's really due to your own hurt about not being the favorite than out of a need to protect your kids.

? No one went there but you. I'm asking for advice on whether I need to supervise his time with my kids, not whether he gets to see them or not.

[Anonymous]

The kids are relatively young - preschool & a baby. -OP

[Anonymous]

I just don't think you can monitor conversations like that. Maybe during one visit, but certainly not over time. Kids are going to be exposed to things we don't like. If your brother says something rude it is a time to talk to your kids about how some people say mean things, but we shouldn't do that because it hurts feelings....you don't have to like someone (even family) but you still treat them with respect....yada yada yada.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the thoughtful and helpful replies. I think I will keep an eye and supervise his interactions with them for the time being. Calling him out in the moment for being a rude jerk is something I'll think more about. I kind of feel like that's not my place and my parents have taken a firm stance that it's not their responsibility either, so I would be shaking up the status quo quite a bit if I didn't let stuff like that slide. So, if I can figure out a way to do it without making everyone else miserable, I'll give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is young and naive. He's also emotionally immature. I don't think you need to do anything, but hopefully he improves with maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There's a difference between insulting, inappropriate, inconsiderate comments and your brother saying that your daughters are not his favorite nieces. Sooner or later your daughters are going to be put in a position where, either by subtle or overt circumstances, they are not the favorite of a family member, friend, teacher, boy, or whomever. You can't protect them from that. That is not an insult. It's a reality. It's life. Teach them that they don't need to always be the favorite and you will do them a valuable lesson.

Now if your brother is actually INSULTING them -- calling them stupid, worthless, ugly -- whatever -- that's another question. You should absolutely call him out. But the fact that he doesn't consider them is favorite little lovey dovies is hardly a reason for you and hubby to avoid date night. Get real.

Cutting down size of quoted text -

I wasn't saying that the "your kids aren't my favorite" comment was insulting. I was referring to other things he's said, like calling my husband's beliefs stupid. I didn't go into detail on that, so I see why you thought I was saying "not favorite" = insult, but just wanted to clarify that bit was in reference to something else. Like I said, he's been in a angry phase for awhile now - he says a lot of things along the lines of "your opinion doesn't count" because I have XYZ experience and you don't, what you care about is stupid, everyone is an idiot - whether it's the guidance counselor at his university trying to help him graduate on time, the career resources person trying to help him craft a resume, or just me taking care of my baby in a way that has zero impact on him.