Brother proactively told me that my kids are not his favorite nieces - do I need to change anything?
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Anonymous
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My younger brother, who is relatively young, proactively volunteered the fact that my daughters are not his favorite nieces because I'm not his favorite sibling and that he feels closer his favorite sibling's kids. I didn't ask and we don't do the competitive comparing kids thing in our family, so him saying this is pretty odd behavior for my side of the family.
Anyway, do I need to do something to shield my kids from his favoritism during holidays? There's otherwise not a favoritism dynamic at holidays. My parents are great about being attentive to all their grandkids and interacting with each kid as an individual and I think the rest of my siblings are socially aware enough to not voice anything like that even if they thought it. But, if he's insensitive enough to say it to me, what's to stop him from repeating it in front of my kids? I just don't want my girls to start thinking everyone has a "favorite" within the family and for them to worry where they rank on the list. It was something that never crossed my mind prior to him volunteering this information and I don't want to plant that competitive seed with the girls either. So, do I need to limit their interactions with him? Do I leave it all as is? He doesn't see them other than at holidays and major family functions, like weddings and the like. |
Anonymous
| What was the context in which this was said? May provide some insight into if he's an asshole, said it out of annoyance, etc. |
Anonymous
| Is he just being a young jerk? What did you say to him, OP? |
Anonymous
My friend was over visiting and we were chatting. Brother came out to say hi and my friend asked how he was enjoying his new nieces. The favorite thing came out in his response. |
Anonymous
| He may be just young and stupid. Before acting on it, explain to him that he hurt your feelings. |
Anonymous
Wow. He really has foot-in-mouth. I would call him up and say 'Brian, that was kind of weird what you came out with the other day. You're not planning to share that with Lisa and Amy, are you?" |
Anonymous
So he's visiting you right now? Have there been any issues between the 2 of you during his stay that may have made him annoyed with you? |
Anonymous
Didn't say anything at the time and haven't since. We haven't talked much in the last year. I think he was just being jerky and I don't think there was a lot of "there" there in his remarks - he clearly hadn't put much thought into it, but even if it doesn't mean much to him to say it, I think it would be a negative thing for my girls to hear. I don't want them to worry about favorites. |
Anonymous
I was out there visiting. Nothing came up in this trip but we have been growing apart the last few years. We used to be super close but a combination of distance, him going through an angry stage, and him getting angry when I've chosen my child's safety (example: family dog aggressive growled at my baby. I separated the dog & baby. Brother was angry that I didn't let the dog stay put.) have just caused a bit of silent rift. We don't argue out right, but we're just not close anymore. |
Anonymous
he sounds immature and like he was being a dick. I do agree you should point out to him in some fashion that while you are old enough to deal with comments like that, he needs to keep from making them in front of your kids who are young enough that they might be really affected by them. Even if they are true, he needs to keep them to himself. Of course really he should keep them to himself in front of adults, too, but that's sort of second priority. |
Anonymous
| As long as your brother isn't demonstrating his favoritism to the kids, there's nothing for you to shield them from, and until he actually does something, you shouldn't assume he will. Otherwise, it starts to sound an awful lot like withholding your kids as a tool to punish him. |
Anonymous
Well him vocalizing it to me just has me worried he'll vocalize it to them. I could just take a "wait & see" approach, which is what I'm leaning towards, but on the other hand, once he says it he can't take it back and at that point, I will have wished I hadn't even given him the chance to repeat it to them at all. In practical terms though, there's probably not much to do - I'm not going to avoid family holidays because of this and that's the only time he sees them. I was just wondering do I need to supervise his interactions with them now so I can cutoff any conversation that starts to go down that path? Normally my husband and I go out on a date when visiting my parents but if my brother's crashing with my parents at the same time we are, then do we not go out since my parents aren't going to cut my brother off if he starts up with this or some other inappropriate conversation? I don't want to expose my kids to some insulting, inconsiderate comments or one of his angry rants, which can be kind of scary, but I also know that in his eyes, none of what he says is particularly serious so I know he doesn't mean to cause harm, at least not directly. I'm not worried that he would intentionally hurt their feelings or freak them out, but there's a decent chance he'd do it out of carelessness. My husband doesn't have the stomach for my brother's insults, because he can't just dismiss it with "oh, he doesn't mean it" and I think anyone who didn't grow up with the guy would have a similar reaction. |
Anonymous
Not sure how old your girls are but if they are over 4 and he is showing subtle favoritism, they're likely to notice. He's vindictive enough to say it to get to you(let's be real, he knew you would be hurt by this), he's likely to try to get to you again. He knows you're protective over your kids and it's a sensitive matter for you so he knows it's a button. I would not leave my kids unattended there. Your parents may not be as way of his actions or intentions and less likely to pick up on any passive aggressiveness. I wouldn't even bring it up, you'll end up being labeled as overly protective and sensitive. Limit the opportunity he has to say anything vindictive to them. If he notices you monitoring his interactions and says anything I'd just say you wanted make sure he didn't was go out of his way to make it known to them that they "aren't his favorite". Maybe then he'd feel like an immature jerk realizing that he forced you to have to be productive of your kids around him. Most likely he won't be that close to realization and will probably exhibit more immature negative attention seeking behavior for a few more years. But whatever you do, don't leave your kids there to be apart of his childish game, it is not fair to them. Good luck! 
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Anonymous
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*aware of
*protective *a part of Should have proofed lol |
Anonymous
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OP, are you willing to have a phone call with him? Because you can't monitor his every moment with them for the rest of your life. What about if you have to tinkle and he discusses taking Niece Larla to see Frozen last week?
And frankly, scrutinizing the conversation for subtle signs of favoritism sounds pretty Orwellian. Either you say something, or you drop it. |