Brother proactively told me that my kids are not his favorite nieces - do I need to change anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's a difference between insulting, inappropriate, inconsiderate comments and your brother saying that your daughters are not his favorite nieces. Sooner or later your daughters are going to be put in a position where, either by subtle or overt circumstances, they are not the favorite of a family member, friend, teacher, boy, or whomever. You can't protect them from that. That is not an insult. It's a reality. It's life. Teach them that they don't need to always be the favorite and you will do them a valuable lesson.

Now if your brother is actually INSULTING them -- calling them stupid, worthless, ugly -- whatever -- that's another question. You should absolutely call him out. But the fact that he doesn't consider them is favorite little lovey dovies is hardly a reason for you and hubby to avoid date night. Get real.

Cutting down size of quoted text -

I wasn't saying that the "your kids aren't my favorite" comment was insulting. I was referring to other things he's said, like calling my husband's beliefs stupid. I didn't go into detail on that, so I see why you thought I was saying "not favorite" = insult, but just wanted to clarify that bit was in reference to something else. Like I said, he's been in a angry phase for awhile now - he says a lot of things along the lines of "your opinion doesn't count" because I have XYZ experience and you don't, what you care about is stupid, everyone is an idiot - whether it's the guidance counselor at his university trying to help him graduate on time, the career resources person trying to help him craft a resume, or just me taking care of my baby in a way that has zero impact on him.

Okay, that fleshes things out. He sounds immature and maybe a little depressed.

[Anonymous]

He sounds really unpleasant to be around. Given the age of your kids, I wouldn't say anything to him about watching his comments when he's around them. And, I would keep my kids away from him, and avoid spending time together, both for your comfort and his. I'd probably try to accept that he's a jerk, or at least going through a jerky phase. If your kids were older, they'd notice this on their own and you'd want to keep some distance anyway. We don't have to like everybody, even if we're related. You can model good behavior/manners for your kids by being polite and not insulting him back, etc. His actions are really beyond your control.

He did you a favor by being honest with you. Now you know that the distance you've felt isn't just in your head. Maybe when your kids are older you'll be close again.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is an ass who needs to grow up. If I were you I would have very calmly, at the time, told him that some thoughts and feelings are best kept to onself, and then walked away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the thoughtful and helpful replies. I think I will keep an eye and supervise his interactions with them for the time being. Calling him out in the moment for being a rude jerk is something I'll think more about. I kind of feel like that's not my place and my parents have taken a firm stance that it's not their responsibility either, so I would be shaking up the status quo quite a bit if I didn't let stuff like that slide. So, if I can figure out a way to do it without making everyone else miserable, I'll give it a try.

OP, your parents are abdicating their responsibility. I have a BIL who has been degenerating into progressively worse alcoholism for three years. My MIL and FIL, whom I love and care for deeply, have been in major denial. It all came to a head a week ago at a family function when, after BIL had made an ass of himself all night and left, they finally admitted there was a problem - but then, promptly began to make excuses. I called them on that. Just because your children are adults does not mean you no longer have a role in their life, if they are behaving stupidly - which your brother surely is. If your parents aren't going to step up and call him out for being an ass, then you certainly should. Otherwise people like him get the idea that their behavior is perfectly acceptable. In my case, I have consistently been the one who calmly and matter of factly calls BIL out every time he goes off the rails. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and I will not abide that bullshit - especially in front of my kids. I love BIL and want him to get well, but in the meantime his addiction isn't an excuse to treat people like crap.