Husband Regressed Sexually
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Anonymous
| Wow. I'm surprised at the hostility of some of you. I was just looking for help. FTR, I did not try to "change" him, but thanks for the judgement... He indicated it was there, he just wasn't quite comfortable letting it out. I didn't force him (although not sure how I could), I didn't withhold sex just b/c it wasn't meeting what I needed, I was patient and encouraged him by creating a safe environment and not pushing him. We had talks yes, but that was all it was, there weren't arguments or criticisms. Additionally, if I'd have forced or pressured him into "changing", he wouldn't have carried on with it and started doing it on his own. He very obviously enjoyed it at the time. And to the one that tried to cite some kind of dishonesty or inconsistency in my post: I said he was comfortable with his *job* after a few months. He's not new to it anymore, and although I left him alone about this when he was still adjusting to the job, it's been a year and a half now. It took a couple of years to get him to where he was *because* I wasn't pushing him. He went at his own pace. It just does not make sense to me. If simply getting my way by pushing him is what I wanted to do, I wouldn't need anyone's permission or opinion. The fact that I came here to try to get some insight or advice is proof that I *don't* want to force it. I just don't understand why it changed. I don't understand why so many of you feel the need to be hateful & hostile to someone who's asking for help either... |
Anonymous
| Also meant to address the ones that said I shouldn't have married him then, or I knew what he was like and so on. He was opening up and talking about his own fantasies *before* we got married. This going back to "vanilla" didn't happen until almost a year later. |
Anonymous
| People change, sometimes they go in cycles. Like someone said, he's the one striving to meet your needs. Regarding his pre-marital profession of kink - it could be that he played that up because he knew that's what you wanted to hear. Does that make him a liar? I don't know. But, when you realize that he has tried to please you and probably will again, it makes him sound like someone who genuinely cares about you. |
Anonymous
| What is his reason when you asked him? I assume you've asked him... |
Anonymous
| Yes, I asked him after about 5-6mo. His reply was always that he didn't know what happened. And people keep talking about his needs, which I understand but I have needs as well. I've been letting things go like this and not pushing him to talk or do things he's uncomfortable with this whole time. So where's the give? There should be some kind of compromise right? It may be possible that he played up his "freak" when we got together but I don't think he did. He said he was just a little uncomfortable letting loose. So I worked with (WITH not ON) him & gave it time which is why, as I mentioned to the last posters, that it took a few years. He went at his own pace but he got there, then suddenly regressed to where he'd been at the beginning. And he didn't do that until about a year & a half after we were married... Yes when I met him he was this way, but he changed & I could also argue that he knew how *I* was & still stayed with & married me. It's a two way street... At least you two were trying to be helpful, and I very much appreciate that, thank you. |
Anonymous
| What is it that you want him to do? It's honestly not clear from your posts. |
Anonymous
|
DH here. I have a similar problem with DW of 25+ years. We have always had pretty vanilla sex (from my perspective), very little oral for me, (she gets it whenever she wants it), two-position sex with not much noise. A couple of years ago she started opening up a bit, vocal, sexting me, watched a couple of soft-porn type (mild) movies, and our libidos went thru the roof! Then, sadly, it fizzled out - now it is back to the same old-same old. Why? I was very, very appreciative of the change but now she just gets irritated if I suggest anything out of the ordinary. I don't get it. I am almost 50. How many more years of great sex potential do we even have left?
OP: sorry to hijack the convo but I feel your pain and I don't think it is too much to ask your spouse to at least meet you half way. |
Anonymous
| I guess what I want him to do is to at least tell me why it suddenly changed b/c I think I at least deserve that. Then, whatever the issue is, maybe I can help him work on it b/c he clearly liked it before. It's not like he doesn't & I'm just trying to force him. Something must've happened that caused him to be uncomfortable again. I started thinking more about it & I'm wondering if it has something to do with his upbringing b/c he was constantly having church/religion shoved down his throat & told that sex was "bad". Maybe he started feeling guilty? Sounds like the most probable culprit to me so far. But he (enthusiastically) participate for a long time, so why would he suddenly have guilt? He won't talk about it so idk if that's even it, or if it is, what caused the sudden regression. He's not at all religious, he got away from it as soon as he could. And I understand how that is b/c I was a preacher's daughter. I was constantly told it was "bad" too. I know people have different ways of getting over issues, and some just can't, but then why would it have gone on for a year & a half if he wasn't able to get past something like that? Make sense? I'm just feeling very shut out & don't know what else to do. I've been sensitive & gentle about it b/c I don't want him to feel pressured. If he's not really into it then it's not enjoyable to me either. People here are basically saying he just doesn't like it, or vanilla is just what he is, but I know that's not true. Something just got in the way. And to the last poster, I'm very sorry that you're dealing with the same issue. It sucks & is more than a little confusing & frustrating when you need something for a long time, are patient (as hard as it can sometimes be), finally get it, & then it's suddenly & inexplicably taken away again. I do want to thank you for posting your situation though. No one thinks it's a big deal (probably b/c they've never dealt w it) & that I'm just being a bitch, so it was really starting to feel like I was the only one to've experienced this. It is rather uncommon I guess, but being that sex is really important in a relationship it's tough when you aren't getting fulfilled at all & they just get to have sex the way THEY want it forever. I like and agree with what you said about meeting halfway. That'd be fine with me. Seriously did not expect the backlash I got for this & can't for the life of me understand why, but thank you both for trying to be helpful. Regarding your wife, do you think it might be possible that she's got the hang up I am suspecting my husband has? Religion is even tougher on women in the sex department. If you're not conservative then you're a harlot or something. Idk what to tell you since I'm stuck in the same situation as far as having it & it suddenly stopping, so obviously I don't know how to fix it, but hopefully that's something you hadn't thought of yet that might be help you help her... |
Anonymous
| It's just offensive to talk about your husbands (or anyone's) mode of sexual expression as "regressing." Sex is not a test - there is no A, B, or C grade. It's something you do together. You need to figure out how to please him as much as he needs to figure out how to please you. If the entire premise of your sexual relationship is that he's doing it wrong and needs to improve, that's a recipe for a disaster. |
Anonymous
| Being offensive wasn't at all where I was going, but if you personally are offended then I apologize. I don't know how else to describe it since he'd "come out of his shell" and then went back into it... I agree we both need to please each other, but I *do* please him. I've paid attention and learned what things he responds to most. Then I do those things for him and add in any other things I pick up on. It's not me not pleasing him, that's part of the issue - he's completely satisfied so he already has what he wants & needs, but I don't and therefore I'm not being pleased; I'm just doing all pleasing for him. There's no compromise or willingness anymore to at least meet in the middle. It doesn't have to be all the time, but at least sometimes would be nice. Especially since he was doing it before so I know he can. It's a matter of won't on his part, not can't. That's what makes it hard. He knows I need it, but he keeps withholding b/c it's not his need. If I'm meeting his, then it's only fair that he makes an effort to meet mine. I don't think that's unreasonable... |
Anonymous
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OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable and I think your follow up posts make the situation clearer (and paint you in a better light than originally). It's quite possible that nothing happened. It took a long time for him to get to the level you like so obviously it is a lot of work for him and requires effort. Perhaps the time spent apart plus all the stress of work killed his desire to put that much effort in and he's having a tough time getting back into it. Instead of asking why he stopped, ask him how you can help get back to where you were. That seems to be the important issue.
Two things I will say: 1. Don't withdraw and act mad because of this. It will make him shut down. If this is so important to you that you find yourself less interested in him, you need to think long and hard about the future. This will likely happen again. Will you withdraw every time? This leads me to number 2 2. Do you plan to have kids? Know that sex Can change after kids (not always) and if he's overtired, stressed, etc with a kid, he may not want to put in all the effort to be kinky. What then? Will you get pissed and wish he was different? I'm not saying you're unreasonable, and I'm not saying your husband needs to up his game, I'm just wondering if you will be able to stay in a happy marriage if you don't get the level of kink you want. DH isn't as kinky as I'd like and will sometimes, but very rarely, up it to the level I sometimes enjoy. But it doesn't make me love him less or resent him and we still have a great sex life. It doesn't sound like you are in the same position. |
Anonymous
| 11:34 here - thanks OP for the response. In my case, I have little doubt that my DW is impacted by her very religious upbringing. We are both Christians and I think God doesn't really care too much what two committed people do in their bedroom as long as they both enjoy it. She won't admit it but I think she feels guilty and just thinks it's all too "dirty" for her. Not sure how to convince her otherwise. Good luck in your efforts, and for it what's it worth I think you deserve to be happy, at least 1/2 of the time! |
Anonymous
This really sounds like the issue. He has gone back to his comfort zone. It's not that he didn't enjoy it, it's that it takes more for him to maintain that level of sexuality and because he can enjoy sex without it, there is less motivation to make all the effort your pleasure requires. |
Anonymous
| OP, can you guide him with one thing at a time? Say the dirty talk. While you're having sex or whatever , lead with a dirty phrase Like "what would, tell me". Might get him to get into it more. |
Anonymous
| Stress and or even mild depression can really interfere in the boudoir and can sap motivation for lots of things, exercise, favorite things to do, cooking, seeing friends, and sex. So maybe explore whether this is the backdrop and help find ways to relieve the problem (offer to help lighten his load for a while, or talk about the stresses). Doing the kinky stuff takes a certain amount of concentration, effort, and motivation, and maybe he just hasn't had those things since the start of the new job...? |