Husband Regressed Sexually

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the thought out responses, and I can see both of you points, but I give up. This is just becoming a waste of time and effort, as well as very frustrating. A lot of these posts make perfect sense if changing him, attempts to force or coerce him, or him just going along for my satisfaction were the case. The reality is that none of that is true and I can't be any clearer about that; it simply is not being accepted. While I see that some of you truly are trying to be helpful, and I appreciate that, it doesn't help if it doesn't apply. I don't know why it's so hard to believe that he was having a hard time getting past some issues, got past them, and now something else has come up. The first obvious conclusion would be that I tried to change or force him or that he never liked it anyway, but that's not the only possibility so the benefit of the doubt could've been given. In any case, I'll just try to find help elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the thought out responses, and I can see both of you points, but I give up. This is just becoming a waste of time and effort, as well as very frustrating. A lot of these posts make perfect sense if changing him, attempts to force or coerce him, or him just going along for my satisfaction were the case. The reality is that none of that is true and I can't be any clearer about that; it simply is not being accepted. While I see that some of you truly are trying to be helpful, and I appreciate that, it doesn't help if it doesn't apply. I don't know why it's so hard to believe that he was having a hard time getting past some issues, got past them, and now something else has come up. The first obvious conclusion would be that I tried to change or force him or that he never liked it anyway, but that's not the only possibility so the benefit of the doubt could've been given. In any case, I'll just try to find help elsewhere.

You want this forum to tell you why his "issues" came back. (1) How would any of us have any idea what would lead your husband to do, say, or think anything? What you want from this thread is simply not possible. All any of us can do is respond based on the tiny and one- sided snippet of information the OP provides. (2) despite this, the vast majority of posters are, in fact, trying to answer your question. Soecifically, they don't think some new issue has arisen, but rather that your husband was never really comfortable with dirty talk, etc... You simply are waiting for someone to stumble across the answer you want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You want this forum to tell you why his "issues" came back. (1) How would any of us have any idea what would lead your husband to do, say, or think anything? What you want from this thread is simply not possible. All any of us can do is respond based on the tiny and one- sided snippet of information the OP provides. (2) despite this, the vast majority of posters are, in fact, trying to answer your question. Soecifically, they don't think some new issue has arisen, but rather that your husband was never really comfortable with dirty talk, etc... You simply are waiting for someone to stumble across the answer you want to hear.

This exactly. I think you have larger issues than the lack of dirty talk and role play if you and your husband are unable to communicate in a way in which you can get some answers to this very important (to you) issue.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you are still here, I get what you are asking. The answer is looking for is this: 1) if he was really into the style of sex that you enjoyed, and finally opened up, then he will be able to get back there on his own. 2) you should first find out what held him back to start with, for example a very conservative upbringing, religious attitudes or guilt, etc. Perhaps the original feelings have come back. 3) Maybe it is something new. You said you had a child? Perhaps he has a "Madonna complex" wherein he only sees you as the mother of his child, and not so much as the sexual vixen who wants her hair pulled while he pounds her hard and fast telling her she is his %^&* and deserves it.... ..... .... where was I??? Oh yeah, the only way to really find out is to get him to open up about it to you (or maybe a couple's therapist). I don't think you will find your answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand what both of you are saying, and I know that a lot of ppl are just saying what they believe to be the issue. The reason I keep saying that it isn't that he's naturally that way isn't just me being stubborn or unwilling to hear different perspectives, I can understand the point being made, but it's being made based on the assumption that I tried to change him and/or he was just trying to please me. I get how that would be the first thought, but it's not what happened. We've both always been very open & honest with each other. He talked to me back when this all first came up & a lot of times he'd say he just wasn't sure how to explain why he feared I'd feel disrespected even though I said I wouldn't, or why it was hard to trust with this even though any previous undesirable results didn't involve me. The point is that we've always talked about everything openly but suddenly he was shutting me out of this area. So then I wonder why he's doing that, why he won't talk to me anymore. I was the one who experienced him in bed before and after and the difference was that he wasn't holding back anymore. When you know someone so intimately you know when they're holding back. He let go of his inhibitions. It wasn't in the beginning, so it can't have just been being caught up in something new, and if I hadn't complained, withheld sex, or left after two years he had no reason to feel threatened or pressured. I am looking for advice or suggestions of what might have caused the change, aside from any attempt from me to change him or pressure him since I keep telling (general) you that isn't what's happening. People seem bent on believing it is though and basing their feedback on that.

He may have enjoyed and gotten into it, but it is obviously not his baseline comfort zone. If there has been such a dramatic change, it should be one you can talk about openly. A better approach would be to say, "hey, let's do that thing where you did that thing we liked a while back. That was fun!" and see what happens or what he says. I agree that a totally sudden full stop on anything you had previously been doing would be odd. If he blatantly went from 60-0, and he won't discuss it, there is something going on. Otherwise, he just got overwhelmed with life stuff like kids and job, that sent him back to his comfort zone in the sex arena. I do think you are misunderstanding what it means for someone to have a comfort-zone, that even they enjoy getting out of, but still find themselves reverting back to.

[Anonymous]

Update for those of you that were trying to help:

I approached him again, but with "Is there anything I can do to help you feel more comfortable talking about this?" vs. "I don't understand. What happened?" That really seems to be all I needed to do. He started talking and, as it turns out, it was the same issue as before (he was afraid I'd feel disrespected) but this time a little different. He was afraid I'd feel disrespected later, as in a few months or years from now when I thought back on it. There were a few females at the same training he attended in DC, and apparently while everyone was in the lobby having drinks one night he overheard a conversation between two of the women. One of them was saying to the other that she thought she'd try to "spice things up" (but didn't say how) but that she felt bad about herself later & even felt a little hurt by her boyfriend over it, even though it was her idea. He automatically related that to us, and didn't want me to feel that way later on. That completely fits his personality. He's always thinking ahead of things and worrying about potential outcomes. He said even if I didn't feel like it would be that way, he was so worried it would change later and was afraid to chance it. So there ya go... I assured him that wouldn't happen & that it's actually what I *need*. He still seems a little nervous about it, but we had sex since that talk and he was much closer to where he'd been before. I think he just needs a bit more reassurance via proof, not words, that it's okay.

To those of you who were really trying to help, thank you again. I appreciate it very much. Especially the one that suggested the alternate wording as that really seems to have been the key to getting him to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for updating, OP. Glad it worked out.